Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
By Ox Drover
Jesus said to “treat others as you would have them to treat you.” I have tried to live more or less by this rule most of my life. I have tried to treat others as I would have them treat me. I have shown compassion, pity, love, consideration, caring and kindness to those who I hoped would also treat me with compassion, pity, love, consideration, caring, respect and kindness.
Unfortunately not everyone that I treated as “I would that they treat me” reciprocated my treatment of them. I always paid back any money that I ever borrowed, but I loaned money to those who would not repay me. I was kind and understanding to others when they didn’t pay me back the money they owed me. I was caring and compassionate when they treated me badly. I found excuses for why I should not be angry at them for their bad treatment of me, even though I had always treated them well.
While I tried to live by this precept of “do unto others as I would have them do unto me,” somehow it didn’t work on the “them doing unto me part.” Finally I realized that I had only gotten half the concept. I noticed that while I treated others well, and they in turn treated me poorly, I realized that I had one set of expectations for me, and another set for them.
Now, I am not saying that I should start treating them the way they treated me, or that I should borrow money from them that I have no intention of paying back, however, I did learn that I should have the same expectations for my friends that I have for myself. I should expect that others treat me well if they are to remain in my life. I do not have to treat others well and then bend over backwards to continue to allow them to treat me badly and not think “something is wrong here,” or as Kathy Hawk says, “this is just not working for me.”
I don’t have a pass to treat others badly, but at the same time, because I do try to treat others as I would that they treated me, it does not follow that I must allow them to abuse me. I would expect myself to act better than they are acting, so why do I think that me acting well and them not acting well is acceptable?
The Silver Rule
So I developed the second part of the “Golden rule” the Silver Rule and that is to not allow others to treat you more poorly than you would treat them. Do not allow others to treat you with disrespect and abuse if you would not treat them that way. Expect others who interact with you, who are intimate friends and relationships, to treat you with the same respect, caring and kindness with which you treat them.
I know we will encounter people at work and in our social lives who do not treat anyone well, and sometimes we can’t change that situation. But we do not have to allow ourselves to interact with these people. We can distance ourselves from them, not allow them to treat us poorly. For those people of more “importance” in our lives, our family and our closer friends, we can challenge them on this and say, for example, “John, I loaned you $50 with the expectation that you would pay me back this Friday as you had indicated you would. I expect you to repay me.” If “John” does not repay you, you are not expected to pretend he doesn’t owe you the money. Of course, you would never again loan him money.
My beloved stepfather had a “joke” he used to tell about a man who was always asking for and receiving frequent favors from a friend and never repaying them. One day he asked for a favor and his friend refused and said, “Look at all the things I have done for you in the past and you never repaid any of these things.” The man (obviously a psychopath) replied, “Yeah, okay, but what have you done for me lately?”
If we believe in and practice the “Golden Rule,” I think we should also start to believe in and practice the “Silver Rule,” and expect that others treat us with the same respect that we treat them. If people do not treat us as we treat them, the problem is obviously not ours, but theirs, and they should not be allowed inside our circle of trust and intimacy. The positions within our sacred circle of trust and intimacy must be earned by treating us as we treat them.
geminigirl
Happy Happy Birthday dearest Maxy -Oxy!!
Love ya heaps! You Rock, Sista!!
Have the best birthday!
Love and {{HUGS}}
Maia /Gem.XX
Our Iranian “Kids” call me Mama Maia !!
skylar
One step,
ohh my! You are a goooood poet!
that was great.
I’m in transitions of all kinds right now. Only been since June that I found out the P was a P. I never even knew such THINGS existed before. I was soooo nieve and I’m not that young either! Hopefully, in the end, when the transistion is over, I’ll legally change my name to Sky. Thanks for the boost.
ErinBrock
Oxy;
HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
I hope your blessed with good health, happiness and lot’s and lot’s of laughter with your boys.
Happy Birthday weilder of yee old skillet of love!
(w/o batteries)
🙂
I never liked my ‘real’ name…..it always reminded me of an ‘old’ lady……
I like Erin. sometimes my GF’s call me Erin….or they say….oh nooooo she’s going Erin today. We all get a chuckle.
I’ve been referred to lately as…..CeeJay…..that fit’s me….i think more than my real name…..I won’t mention……
But at this point….I’ll answer to anything!
Ox Drover
Thanks for the birthday wishes gang! We were going to go out and hit our favorite sea food buffet and catfish place, but son C had eaten a huge plate of fish at work some guy had brought in, so the sea food hog-wallow is tonight but last night (since I hadn’t cooked) we ordered pizzas, root beer and icream for floats—and I made a little porker out of myself!
The guys got me a card that made fun of me for not being able to remember things (of course) and it was really a good one! We vie with each other to find the funniest cards for Birthdays!
I remember my 35th Birthday and now I went into a DEPRESSION over how OLD I was getting (really!!) and here I just turned 63 and age doesn’t mean much! Funny how we look at things at different parts of our lives. I’m reading a book called “Passages” about the different parts of our lives and how we move from one to the other emotionally and mentally, and internally and externally. Interesting.
JaneSmith
Hopefully not too late…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, sweety peety pants Oxybodacious!! You most certainly deserve to have a wonderful time on your very own special day. And every day, for that matter.
Peace, Joy and Love for and to you always and forever.
🙂
JaneSmith
Also, Our Heavenly Father has blessed you so very much. He’s also blessed the world by creating you.
You are by far one of the kindest, compassionate, energetic (oodles), vibrant, wittiest, wonderful, beautiful woman I have ever had the honor of knowing.
Even if it’s only on the internet, I still am proud to call you a dear friend and a beloved sister.
Again, love ya!
**huggles and cheek smoochies**
libelle
Dear Oxy! Happy belated birthday wishes also from my part! I wish you many more years to come in full health and joy and dignity and sparkled with bliss, humour and love! (((Hugs)))
Ox Drover
Thanks guys!!!
I did have a wonderful day–and really everyday on the green side of the grass is a wonderful one! You are so right, Janey, I AM BLESSED in a million ways! And good friends on both sides of the computer screen is only one of those million blessings
! (((hugs))) and my prayers for PEACE AND JOY FOR ALL OF US. AMEN!
Cat
Dear Ox,
Happy Belated Birthday! May your days to come be filled with all that is good and kind in this world. You more than deserve that! Bless you for being here for so many-you were the first to welcome me and I thank you for that.
Hugs and Birthday Wishes,
Cat
Ox Drover
Thanks, Cat!
Had a great birthday and every day that is P-FREE is a good one!
I’m glad you’re doing well, Cat! Healing is a long road, but in the meantime, while we are working on it, we CAN have some fun on the way! Recovering our sense of fun is a good thing for us all and laughter is a great salve to the soul!@