Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
By Ox Drover
Jesus said to “treat others as you would have them to treat you.” I have tried to live more or less by this rule most of my life. I have tried to treat others as I would have them treat me. I have shown compassion, pity, love, consideration, caring and kindness to those who I hoped would also treat me with compassion, pity, love, consideration, caring, respect and kindness.
Unfortunately not everyone that I treated as “I would that they treat me” reciprocated my treatment of them. I always paid back any money that I ever borrowed, but I loaned money to those who would not repay me. I was kind and understanding to others when they didn’t pay me back the money they owed me. I was caring and compassionate when they treated me badly. I found excuses for why I should not be angry at them for their bad treatment of me, even though I had always treated them well.
While I tried to live by this precept of “do unto others as I would have them do unto me,” somehow it didn’t work on the “them doing unto me part.” Finally I realized that I had only gotten half the concept. I noticed that while I treated others well, and they in turn treated me poorly, I realized that I had one set of expectations for me, and another set for them.
Now, I am not saying that I should start treating them the way they treated me, or that I should borrow money from them that I have no intention of paying back, however, I did learn that I should have the same expectations for my friends that I have for myself. I should expect that others treat me well if they are to remain in my life. I do not have to treat others well and then bend over backwards to continue to allow them to treat me badly and not think “something is wrong here,” or as Kathy Hawk says, “this is just not working for me.”
I don’t have a pass to treat others badly, but at the same time, because I do try to treat others as I would that they treated me, it does not follow that I must allow them to abuse me. I would expect myself to act better than they are acting, so why do I think that me acting well and them not acting well is acceptable?
The Silver Rule
So I developed the second part of the “Golden rule” the Silver Rule and that is to not allow others to treat you more poorly than you would treat them. Do not allow others to treat you with disrespect and abuse if you would not treat them that way. Expect others who interact with you, who are intimate friends and relationships, to treat you with the same respect, caring and kindness with which you treat them.
I know we will encounter people at work and in our social lives who do not treat anyone well, and sometimes we can’t change that situation. But we do not have to allow ourselves to interact with these people. We can distance ourselves from them, not allow them to treat us poorly. For those people of more “importance” in our lives, our family and our closer friends, we can challenge them on this and say, for example, “John, I loaned you $50 with the expectation that you would pay me back this Friday as you had indicated you would. I expect you to repay me.” If “John” does not repay you, you are not expected to pretend he doesn’t owe you the money. Of course, you would never again loan him money.
My beloved stepfather had a “joke” he used to tell about a man who was always asking for and receiving frequent favors from a friend and never repaying them. One day he asked for a favor and his friend refused and said, “Look at all the things I have done for you in the past and you never repaid any of these things.” The man (obviously a psychopath) replied, “Yeah, okay, but what have you done for me lately?”
If we believe in and practice the “Golden Rule,” I think we should also start to believe in and practice the “Silver Rule,” and expect that others treat us with the same respect that we treat them. If people do not treat us as we treat them, the problem is obviously not ours, but theirs, and they should not be allowed inside our circle of trust and intimacy. The positions within our sacred circle of trust and intimacy must be earned by treating us as we treat them.
Hi there, Ox!
Have had computer problems and have been on and off the site the past several days. Finally have my computer back and just saw your message here.
In the midst of your birthday wishes, you still found time to send well wishes to others as well! I AM healing and I can feel it. This is a long road, but when one thinks about it, is there really any other way? I object to every single second I spend on that EX. I object to all of the energy I allowed him to have. I do a daily reminder of the Silver Rule. I use it to set boundaries on a daily basis. Hugs!
Dear Cat,
I’ve been gone to town today, just got back, cooked dinner and kitchen is a wreck–tomorrow will do for that chore! Two days to town in a row is more than enough for me!
Don’t have a rotator cuff tear in my shoulder (which = surgery and an immmoble shoulder for 6 weeks, then PT for another 6 weeks and PAINFUL) but do have a bone spur which is a one day outpatient, not much reehab or pain, so that’s good news. I feel like an old car which has so many miles on it various parts are wearing out and it is like the old joke about FORD–fix or repair daily!
But actually got my christmas grocery shopping done today and also got all my short list of Xmas gifts bought—and delivered! I’m finally getting over the detesting of Holidays that my egg donor gave me, I am starting to make NEW traditions (well, sort of NON-traditional traditions) If that makes any sense. In deference to the new iniside cat (no tree to tempt her) but did hang a wreath and put the christmas center piece on the table. Got a few practical but CAREFULLY chosen gifts for the few people I exchange gifts with, and didn’t spend a great deal of money I don’t have, and didn’t buy anything that has to be DUSTED!
LIFE IS GRAND, AND P-FREE, what more could anyone want!? PEACE, JOY AND R*E*A*L* LOVE from People I can trust and love back! It doesn’t get any better than this guys! TOWANDA!!!!
Hi Ox,
Excellent good news! I know the ultimate good news would be there is nothing wrong, but if you have to have something, a bone spur is much less than the rotator cuff tear. THAT is how my ex P. worked his way back in here the last time. He had followed me here (after I moved all the way across country), had Xmas with his son, found a place to live and within 2 weeks, he had fallen and had to have extensive surgery. That was followed by another surgery. No one would help him and I, being still blind at the time, listened to the rantings of others about how he was my responsibility since he is my son’s father. Today, I wouldn’t listen to that and I kick myself for having done so in the past.
Life IS grand-the moment that P/N/A leaves! We many not feel it right away but the road to mending and healing has already begun. Christmas will be a bit tough this year, BUT far better than last year and I believe that with time, self-work and healing, it will be better each day.
Due to lack of money, I haven’t gotten many gifts, but this year I am very particular as to who I buy for. I weeded out a lot of people this year and that’s OK.
You must have quite a drive to get into town. I rather like the thought of being out that far in the country.
It’s a good day!
Hugs,
Cat
I love that–“didn’t buy anything that had to be DUSTED”!
ROFLMAO
Dear Cat,
Glad you liked my “no dusting policy” I also have a “no dry cleaning” policy (don’t buy anything that is “dry clean only”–heck costs as much as buying the thing again!) and I know that somewhere in the Bible there is a commandment that says “NO IRONING,” so don’t get things that have to be ironed either! LOL
I only live 13 miles of good paved highway from town but don’t go there unless I have to or need to, and if I do go to town, I use that trip for several chores like grocery shopping or running errands, no sense in wasting a trip to town and the gas for just one errand. One son workls in town every day so he picks up stuff that is normal errands and does them so i don’t have to go into town. I organize my life so I have maximum time for ME and minimum time for the things I have to do. That’s one of the greatest things about old age, we can be egocentric and it is okay!
But I think I have started to look at the IMPORTANT THINGS in life, and 99% of the things I used’ta think were “important” aren’t important at all. Looking at priorities differentlty. Looking at what others think differently. It isn’t the end of the world if there is dust on the piano, or a dish in the sink, or if I read instead of mop the floor, the dust will get dusted and the dish washed and the floor mopped, but if I want to read instead today it is okay.
I do things for others that I WANT to do, but no longer get conned into doing things for people that I do NOT want to do because if I don’t I will be made to feel guilty, obligated or fearful. It is OK to say “NO, I don’t want to do that.” or “I can’t do that, sorry.” HOW LIBERATING IS THAT!!!!
Well, you guys are not gonna believe this one. Sigh. I started talking to a guy on my reptile site that I really liked. He managed to pierce through the wall I put up and touch my heart, which is very unusual. This happened in a matter of days. However, I was looking for red flags early on and I found a few. On about the 5th day of my little “crush” on him, he posted a thread stating all the women he’d like to date on the site. He said there is one he’d like to date the most (I presumed it was me). I was horrified and thought this was extremely tacky. But then one of the other women he mentioned messaged me to tell me she thought he was referring to her. Apparently, he was trying to play both of us. We ended up exposing him on his own thread!!! It was quite hilarious.
What was even better, there were 3 of us women on there who’d had similar experiences with guys like this. We had a long discussion about sociopaths, and I told my entire story of the exS for the first time. I cannot tell you how empowering it was to finally tell the story over there.
The guy who I was crushing on called me at 5:00 am (!) to tell me that the only reason he’d started that thread was because he wanted me to admit I liked him on the public forum. WTF???? I hung up on him.
Fortunately, I did not get involved and was able to detach fairly quickly. But it’s still troublesome that I let this charmer get under my skin in the first place. On the positive side, he did help me take down some of my walls so I can be more ready for a real relationship. But obviously I’m still attracted to losers.
I told the other woman and a third one who was going through something similar about Lovefraud. They may show up here eventually, too.
Sigh……my own personal Jerry Springer show.
Dear Star,
All the more reason why ON LINE MEETING IS PROBLEMATIC, there is no way you can know behind a screen who it is, there is also some statistics that 40% of the guys out trolling on the internet for “relationships” are MARRIED and I don’t doubt that at all.
I have no problem with talking on line to folks with COMMON interests but meeting someone for a romantic relationship? NOPE!!! ABSOLUTELY NOT!
TOO MUCH RISK FOR MY MONEY! Unless a man is a real loser he shouldn’t have a problemw ith getting a date, especially when the ration of single men over 40 to the relationship of single women over 40 is like HIGH ON WOMEN BY FAR, so most of the time a guy with ANY good qualities shouldn’t have a hard time finding a “date”—-I flirted around with on line meeting for a while years ago after my P-X-BF was kicked to the curb, but you know if I went back to look on those sites, those SAME guys are still there looking for a “serious” relationship. Yea, right! Serious my foot! They are just looking for a hook up and a booty call. I’m not saying there are NO nice people on those dating sites, but I will say this, there isn’t a reliable way to pick out who is and who isn’t.
I’m just glad you didn’t get burned again, Star. Join some kind of club or something and meet some local guys that have some of the same interests you do, or better yet, just enjoy being single. I swear I thought I would “die” without a relationship after my husband died, and then the P BF came along and when that was over, I realized I LIKE being single a whole lot, so it will take some REALLY nice guy to even get me to look! That’s the truth! WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T SETTLE!
I have to agree with you, Oxy. So many online guys are frauds I’m starting to see. I was thinking about joining Mensa and may possibly be starting advanced massage training. This should get me out and meeting people. Problem is that it is a requirement of any guy I date that he like snakes. That is hard to find in the general population. And also I am still attracted to those dynamic, magnetic, charismatic types. Ugh.
For the most part, not counting the 3-month whatever-it-was with the sociopath, and the few brief affairs, I’ve been single and alone since 2001. I think I’d really like to have a man in my life. It felt really good for a few days to have the promise of love–I could feel my life starting to turn upside down over this latest guy. But in the back of my mind, I was still guarded and watching for red flags. Fortunately, they appeared early on. It’s a disappointment–I’m not gonna lie. But the hurt was not so great. I’m still laughing and doing pretty well (except I haven’t been sleeping much.)
Dear Star;
I think YOU deserve a star; you SAW him, you warned others and ultimately you were able to integrate a part of you you feel pressure hiding – and this supported others.
Do you make any kind of art? I find making art or even writing on HUGE piece of paper on the wall can get me unstuck at times. It would be really great if you could process whatever is causing the sleeplessness.
You came out of this knowing you were more important than him. that’s a win. and you watched the mechansims that were playing in the background inside your own head that might have led you in further, and you over-road them. lots of learning and practice!
now, we need to find you one who likes snakes, but who isn’t a snake. 😉
towanda girl!
one step
Dear Star,
You can of course set up ANY criteria about what a guy must like or not like (snakes or cats or whatever) but you know I wouldn’t turn down a guy that really cared about me if he didn’t like cats or was allergic to them, I’d re-home my cat if he was reasonable about giving me enough time to do so.
My P-sperm donor would have been your IDEAL MAN except he was a psychopath as he imported all kinds of reptiles including snakes for many years—by the TON, literally. I have known a LOT of professional snake dealers here in the US and in other countries too, and for my money most of them were NOT anyone I would have liked to have dated or married. the wild animal business, including importing snakes and reptiles is very CRUEL and many animals die, and the dealers do NOT care about them, just making money.
I don’t have a thing against anyone liking snakes or having non-venomous snakes as pets, they are actually not bad as pets, but at the same time, I would put a PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP ahead of an animal one, any time, if the person as WORTH it.
But possibly you could meet someone that had some of your same interests that is NOT a P, I hope so. The Mensa thing isn’t all that it might be cracked up to be, I never met anyone at a meeting that was more than intellectually interesting, and the dues have gone up so much I idon’t even pay dues any more, though they sent me a flier the other day wanting me to rejoin for a “special price” but there aren’t any meethings locally here I’d have to travel about 60 miles to a meeting and I’m not interested any more, so that’s out.
But if you live in a larger city it might be a gas, who knows.