Back in August of 2010, I told my story of being defrauded by a sociopath as “star” of the premiere episode of Who the (Bleep) Did I Marry?, a TV show that aired on the Investigation Discovery network. Well, since that first exciting night, the show has probably aired 30 or 40 times. It aired in Australia. It aired in South America. On Friday, it aired on the Oprah Winfrey Network. Hey, I’ve finally been on Oprah!
I never know in advance when the show is going to air—I only find out when I start receiving emails from people who see it and identify with my story. A couple of months ago I heard from a man who saw the show and was beginning to suspect that a woman in his life was using him for money. We’ll call the man “Howard.”
Three sociopaths
Howard arranged a consultation with me. He told me his story. Listening to him, it was easy for me to see that the woman was clearly a sociopath, and was clearly using him for money. But that’s not all. As Howard told me more about his situation, I realized that he was involved with three sociopathic women at the same time.
One was his wife. They had married in their early 20s, and she was controlling and emotionally abusive from the beginning—and that was more than 30 years ago. Howard was not happy, and a few years ago, Howard connected with a woman from his past, whom we’ll call “Cindy—”she’s the one who is now bleeding his money.
Well, Cindy love bombed Howard, promised him the world, and he started an affair with her. He also started divorce proceedings from his wife. But when he was about to make the move to be with Cindy permanently—supposedly what she wanted—suddenly she didn’t want it any more. Then the wife, who was happy to divorce when Howard gave her all the proceeds from selling their property, suddenly didn’t want a divorce any more.
Howard, essentially homeless, started staying with another woman as a housemate. Based on what I’ve heard about this woman’s behavior, she’s another sociopath.
Howard is wracked with guilt about his wife, even though she was abusive and is using him. He feels obligated to Cindy, even though she discarded him, but still wants his money. And the housemate—well, she’s laying the groundwork to make a move.
All Howard really wants is to find a woman who really loves him. But in one of his emails, he wrote:
“I guess I don’t believe that a woman will love me.”
Changing the belief
Howard believes he is not deserving of love. That belief is the core of his problems.
When we believe that we are unworthy of love, or respect, or even life, we become vulnerable to the sociopath. Why? Because sociopaths prey on vulnerability. They have an uncanny ability to figure out what we are vulnerable to, and hook us with promises that they will make our vulnerability go away.
They promise us the love that we always wanted but feared we would never find. They offer us recognition, praise, validation. At least, they pretend to. And we, wanting what they promise so desperately, fall into their traps. Then, we find ourselves psychologically bonded to them, so we can’t escape.
This is what happened to Howard. On an intellectual level, he knows that the women are using him. But because of his long history with them, he is so wrapped up emotionally, and so psychologically bonded, that he is struggling to see his way out of his situation.
Making the change
So where do these beliefs of unworthiness come from? Often they are rooted in negative experiences during our formative years. Perhaps we were neglected or abused as children. Perhaps we were teased or bullied in school. Those of you who have read my book, Love Fraud, know that I also believe we may have been born with these ideas as remnants of past lives.
But the truth is, where the false beliefs came from doesn’t matter. Looking at the conditions of our lives, we can see that we have them. Our job is to change our minds about what we deserve. This change is never going to come from the outside, from some other person or situation. It is a change that we must make for ourselves.
How do we do it? First, we must make the decision to change our minds. It’s not just going to happen; we must choose to make it happen.
Then we consciously let go of negative beliefs and replace them with positive beliefs. We decide that we are deserving of love, and start treating ourselves that way. We no longer let sociopaths, or anyone else, walk all over us. We consciously remove people who disrespect us from our lives. We start treating ourselves better.
It takes time and effort to change old thought patterns. But when we do, our life patterns will change. We will be able to find peace and happiness. And eventually, we’ll probably surprise ourselves and find love.
Howard is making progress. I believe he will find the strength to remove all of these parasitic women from his life. And, continuing on his healing path, one day he’ll come across a real woman who truly loves him.
All of these positive changes come from believing in ourselves.
aussie,
I did love the moose video a lot, and the dolphin with dog vid too. but the beagle one … it’s hard to watch.
Not participating means buying cruelty free products. our chance to go NC comes up several times a day. We just have to know how to recognize the opportunity.
Aw Hens – I’m sorry friend : (
It is horrible that this goes on but it is also wonderful that people are out there protesting against it, intervening in how it ends (once upon a time these beautiful dogs were just put down after their use-by date had expired) and making a positive contribution.
Watch the other 2 videos instead Henry – they WILL make you smile, I promise! xx
Hey Sky! xx
Glad you liked the mooses (meece? LOL) – kinda funny though that it was sent to me from an Australian friend, within Australian and that that’s how you Americans got to see it!? Cyber space hey? What a wonderful world we live in.
OX,
My ego was so big before my S got me, but I was having problems with my husband at the time because my ego was TOO BIG, and that was all the crack in my armor that the S needed to make my life come tumbling down. I had the belief systems that you commented on. I thought:
“There is good in everyone.”
“It takes two to fight.”
“there are two (valid) sides to every story.”
I thought I deserved better then my current husband and that I deserved to be with someone who would make a difference in the world. Maybe I had a gawd complex thinking that it was important that my life would be remembered 1000 yrs from now. What ever it was, the S played to it, and before I knew it I was in a divorce and gave up a man who worshiped me, for one who was using me.
After that I figured:
“I don’t deserve to be loved.”
I broke up with the S after 2 yrs of hell, that made me feel like no one, and nothing, about 3 yrs ago. He was leaving to to go on his 3rd vacation with a woman he kept saying was JUST A FRIEND.
I took the opportunity to take advantage of a relationship with his brother, who’d been hitting on me for 2 yrs, just to drive home the point! Unfortunately, if you are involved with someone who is even related to a Sociopath, it puts you at risk unless that person is willing to sever ties. The S’s brother was not willing to to cut the ties with his worthless family, so that relationship ended also. It was sad, because big brother was actually a great guy that I had real feelings for, but blood is thicker then water, and 50 + years of being manipulated by his baby sociopathic brother was not going to go away.
What happened after that is sort of bizzar. I got married to a friend of a friend… fast! I mean zooooooooom. I totally did it to make sure I had someone, and to make sure I didn’t crawl back to the sociopath’s big brother and get stuck with the S as a brother in law, or crawl back to the EX who still loved me, but had remarried. I know, it sounds like a soap opera, but doesn’t any one’s life when they’ve got a S in their life?
Bottom line, my new husband is a very nice person. However, he’s a hoarder. As far as people’s kindness, and how he treats me, I did pretty darn good when you figure I married him in part to punish myself! His house is punishment enough. He’s given me permission to remodel, and I knew he loved me when he let me get rid of his #3 dog and about 1000 paper back books! lol Still, I looked at the dump of a house with probably 1000 sq feet of it in books, and I thought OMG, I deserve to live like this I’m such a horrible person!
Sick, isn’t it! Every one who see’s the house can’t believe I live like that. My house was always spotless, and this place will NEVER be like that as any open surface grows a mountain of STUFF in less then a week. I try to never show any one the place, and I’d lived in the house for over 2 yrs before my sister who lives in the same town even saw it! Those who knew him before me figure I’ve done wonders in the place, since you can see enough kitchen counter to cook a meal, and there are places on chairs to sit at least three people!
I guess what I’m saying, is even when I got away from the S and his family I found another way to punish myself for leaving someone who loved me, for the false promise of immortality!
I’m still stuck with the S in my life. I have to work with the a. h. I don’t see him every day, but that is because I hide in my cubical all day long. Any time I get brave and start to socialize at work or work on getting a promotion, he finds a way to BULLY ME, IN FULL SIGHT. The thing about getting bullied in front of every one, is he does it in such a way that no one see’s it! Then when I run to HR, or complain to my boss, or tell someone “HE BULLIED ME, HE”S A BULLY”, the next thing I know, I have a letter of reprimand from HR saying I’ve broken policy by making the work place a hostile place for the SOCIOPATH and could get fired for it!
I’m not good at fighting dirty. I don’t WANT to be! My actions are sincere and reactions to the hostile and some times physically threatening way he’s treated me, but NO ONE SEES IT, or at least those who don’t are afraid of him, and his power to confess it once called to HR.
I have applied to 78 jobs in the last 2 yrs. I have qualified for 2/3 of those. I get an interview for about one out of 5 that I have applied for. I have not made it to interview #2 for any of them. When you start crying when they ask how you get along with your co-workers, they suspect you don’t have good people skills!
Things are looking up though. There are a few people I can trust at work, even if I don’t trust my own manager or TEAM LEAD! One of the kind managers has started working with me on interview skills. She’s gotten me to think “customers” when the evil question, “how do you deal with conflicts at work,” comes up. It’s doing the trick, I’m able to tell of situations where I really made a difference and saved the day, instead of thinking about how I have to hide all day to keep from being intimidated or persecuted by a manager who’s still fully intrenched in the sociopath’s lies. I can answer the question, not turn red, purple or green, and not start crying! It’s taken 3 yrs of hard work to get there, but there’s hope that I will get a job some where else, and finally be away from the SOCIOPATH! I’m more then qualified, and get tons of interviews for BIG PROMOTIONS because of the schooling and education I’m giving myself, but when you don’t think you deserve to be loved, or have anything good, it’s hard to convince an employer of it!
Sherry – thank you for posting about your persistence in looking for work and how you have recognized what is holding you back and that you have found someone to help you with overcoming it – it all shows how hard you are working, and how persistent you are. it is one of the qualities we need to develop to pull ourselves out of bad work situations(with a little or a lot of help from our ‘friends’). Kudos to you!
About your husband – my sib is a hoarder, also. I see what it has done to her life. I have been very overwhelmed in the last three years and my own fears and fatigue and the issues in the place itself, have led me to be lax in my place – but when i see myself start to tip into hoarding behavior (and as I have watched my sib spiral down for a few years, I can see that there are stages to it) i nip it in the bud. to have a home like that is so isolating.
My story is different, but through illness and issues in my apt. i never did set up properly and had to have the windows open all the time – even in winter. Very isolating.
There is help available for hoarders – i think there is some online. The fact that he said you can change a few things is HUGE. (I once helped my sib move a large rug out of her place. in the process of clearing it off i put all of the empty plastic bags in one bag – when she found out she had a meltdown….). From what I hear about hoarding it is a combo of emotional insulation that leads to being very overwhelmed and unable to deal with all the stuff.
um, what did you do with his #3 dog? – not quite the same as ‘paperback novels’.
that the spath ‘caught’ you through your ego and greatest dreams is oh so familiar to me. well, most of us. our greatest dreams and ego are often two sides of the same coin.
you might not like to fight dirty but am i right that you do like to take a stab at vengeance every now and then? (going out with the spath’s brother????) i do want to fight dirty – but you know, i don’t have the heart for it long term – it messes me up. i hear sooo much pain in your post. do you have counseling?
I wish you the very best in your job hunt, and i hope that both you and your husband get some support for the things you are dealing with.
best,
one joy
The husband wasn’t emotionally attached to dog #3. Actually #2, and #3 were dumped on him from a past girlfriend, and he felt obligated to take care of them. After all, they were more stuff, and did have feelings. #2 dog is now my dog. She is way to emotioally damaged from the ex girlfriend to ever find a secure home, and she’s old enough that a new home would be hard on her. The #3 dog was a younger pug, and with so few brain cells she didn’t know the people she knew from total strangers! She was happy go lucky, and would walk off with any one. She was very unhappy in his house because she wanted to be dog #1, but didn’t have enough brain cells to pull it off. I found a good home for her. Someone who had always wanted a PUG, but didn’t want to pay the $1000 to get a show quality dog like her. There were lots of other pets around the house to keep her company, but she would be MOM’s spoiled brat. SHE LOVES IT THERE, and is very happy.
Yes, I think dating big brother was a stab at him, but actually I was looking for ANY ONE, even just a friend to keep me from going over the deep end when he took off on vacation number 3 without even the lie’s he’d had in the other two times. Then all of a sudden at my front door is big brother, offering for about the 3rd dozen times to get involved with me. The spat had been lying about what our relationship was, but big brother knew it was a lie, and also knew he was stringing me along. So it seemed appropriate at the time that the person that kept me from losing touch with reality, also helped to insult the person who had hurt me. We were really fond of each other, and we were talking about forever within a few months, but baby brother S, put an end to it. That was when I realized, no matter how wonderful big brother was, it was better to get out before I was related to the S!
I have two interviews on Friday I’ll take all the prayers and luck I can get!
I have come a long way from my last dating relationship (last year) with a psychopath I had turned into the authorities as a pedophile. After reading your articles have helped me be more aware and seeking counseling. I just started and ended a dating relationship because the individual was demonstrating familiar red flags to me by his abusive mannerisms towards me. Yea I only went on 3 dates with him and got out. I’m paying a price for breaking up with him. The jerk is spreading lies about me to his large group of singles he’s a leader of because I’ve broken up with him. I called him a hole however; I stood up for myself and was recognizing his controlling, demeaning, mind game antics. I think I became his selected target because I’m recently divorced, just lost my job of 12 years, children away at college and have just survived a horrific ordeal from dating (wasn’t aware this guy is sick) a pedophile. I don’t want to be in anymore relationships with nut case sociopaths anymore. Hoping one day there’s a possibility I can attract a healthy male. In the mean time I’m learning how to spoil myself because this is a long overdue treat I owe myself.
How come I can’t be blessed with a howard. Where are men like that. I didn’t know they existed.
Sherry Winter,
I have known several “SERIOUS” hoarders, and I think the reasons vary as to “why”—
Your story sounds like you are starting to get the idea though what is causing you to do what you do and to make the decisions you have made.
Loving ourselves is a PROCESS I think, and one that we have to learn to work on day in and day out…changing the things ONE AT A TIME, that we don’t think “work for us.” Maybe only a small thing, but once something is changed, maintain that change and then add another one.
Maybe you can negotiate with your husband to have A PLACE, a part of a room or a room of the house that is YOUR SPACE and that YOU can keep clean and tidy and uncluttered and he will NOT clutter it up. Then work toward other areas of the home as you and he can agree.
Setting some boundaries on the “clutter” and the “hoarding” that are mutually agreeable. Maybe even put them in writing, and maybe get some therapy about the problem that you go to together….and then, ACCEPT what IS—maybe not ideal, but still accept what you cannot change.
Accepting what IS and not grieving over what you WOULD LIKE but can’t have—seems to be the key to being happy and peaceful.
Raised by a sociopath–focus on yourself TOWANDA!!!! Good job!
Angel–They do exist, but you have to kiss a lot of frogs before one turns into a prince! LOL
I used to think that sociopaths were the slickest thing that ever slipped under the radar.
I don’t think that anymore. I believe it happened because I made excuses for them and they said OK! Sounds good to them!
They may not have thought of it as a good excuse but when I bought into it. They thought WOW! This is a good plan!
slick as slime