Back in August of 2010, I told my story of being defrauded by a sociopath as “star” of the premiere episode of Who the (Bleep) Did I Marry?, a TV show that aired on the Investigation Discovery network. Well, since that first exciting night, the show has probably aired 30 or 40 times. It aired in Australia. It aired in South America. On Friday, it aired on the Oprah Winfrey Network. Hey, I’ve finally been on Oprah!
I never know in advance when the show is going to air—I only find out when I start receiving emails from people who see it and identify with my story. A couple of months ago I heard from a man who saw the show and was beginning to suspect that a woman in his life was using him for money. We’ll call the man “Howard.”
Three sociopaths
Howard arranged a consultation with me. He told me his story. Listening to him, it was easy for me to see that the woman was clearly a sociopath, and was clearly using him for money. But that’s not all. As Howard told me more about his situation, I realized that he was involved with three sociopathic women at the same time.
One was his wife. They had married in their early 20s, and she was controlling and emotionally abusive from the beginning—and that was more than 30 years ago. Howard was not happy, and a few years ago, Howard connected with a woman from his past, whom we’ll call “Cindy—”she’s the one who is now bleeding his money.
Well, Cindy love bombed Howard, promised him the world, and he started an affair with her. He also started divorce proceedings from his wife. But when he was about to make the move to be with Cindy permanently—supposedly what she wanted—suddenly she didn’t want it any more. Then the wife, who was happy to divorce when Howard gave her all the proceeds from selling their property, suddenly didn’t want a divorce any more.
Howard, essentially homeless, started staying with another woman as a housemate. Based on what I’ve heard about this woman’s behavior, she’s another sociopath.
Howard is wracked with guilt about his wife, even though she was abusive and is using him. He feels obligated to Cindy, even though she discarded him, but still wants his money. And the housemate—well, she’s laying the groundwork to make a move.
All Howard really wants is to find a woman who really loves him. But in one of his emails, he wrote:
“I guess I don’t believe that a woman will love me.”
Changing the belief
Howard believes he is not deserving of love. That belief is the core of his problems.
When we believe that we are unworthy of love, or respect, or even life, we become vulnerable to the sociopath. Why? Because sociopaths prey on vulnerability. They have an uncanny ability to figure out what we are vulnerable to, and hook us with promises that they will make our vulnerability go away.
They promise us the love that we always wanted but feared we would never find. They offer us recognition, praise, validation. At least, they pretend to. And we, wanting what they promise so desperately, fall into their traps. Then, we find ourselves psychologically bonded to them, so we can’t escape.
This is what happened to Howard. On an intellectual level, he knows that the women are using him. But because of his long history with them, he is so wrapped up emotionally, and so psychologically bonded, that he is struggling to see his way out of his situation.
Making the change
So where do these beliefs of unworthiness come from? Often they are rooted in negative experiences during our formative years. Perhaps we were neglected or abused as children. Perhaps we were teased or bullied in school. Those of you who have read my book, Love Fraud, know that I also believe we may have been born with these ideas as remnants of past lives.
But the truth is, where the false beliefs came from doesn’t matter. Looking at the conditions of our lives, we can see that we have them. Our job is to change our minds about what we deserve. This change is never going to come from the outside, from some other person or situation. It is a change that we must make for ourselves.
How do we do it? First, we must make the decision to change our minds. It’s not just going to happen; we must choose to make it happen.
Then we consciously let go of negative beliefs and replace them with positive beliefs. We decide that we are deserving of love, and start treating ourselves that way. We no longer let sociopaths, or anyone else, walk all over us. We consciously remove people who disrespect us from our lives. We start treating ourselves better.
It takes time and effort to change old thought patterns. But when we do, our life patterns will change. We will be able to find peace and happiness. And eventually, we’ll probably surprise ourselves and find love.
Howard is making progress. I believe he will find the strength to remove all of these parasitic women from his life. And, continuing on his healing path, one day he’ll come across a real woman who truly loves him.
All of these positive changes come from believing in ourselves.
Slim,
I agree with you. The genetic tendency for alcoholic addiction (for example) is well known, yet if a person CHOOSEs to drink alcohol and behaves badly while drunk, s/he is STILL HELD ACCOUNTABLE for their actions.
Maybe those are actions they would not have done sober….BUT…while I probably don’t have that genetic tendency to become an alcoholic, and it might be EASIER for me not to be drunk all the time and that might mean Ii was less likely to beat someone up, drive impaired, etc. it still doesn’t mean that you should give them a pass because they “cannot” control it.
The same thing with a psychopath. It may be MORE DIFFICULT for them not to rob or steal or use violence, but they CAN LEARN NOT to. It is a CHOICE, just like the alcoholic may have more of a tendency to drink than someone who does not have those genes but THEY STILL HAVE A CHOICE TO DRINK OR NOT.
The psychopaths still have a choice as well.
Slim not sure I agree with “no embedded genetic inhibitors for destruction…..”
Can only speak from my experience and totally understand that that’s only what you are trying to do also. But….
My ex used to justify his lack of regard(massive understatement!) for his loved ones by stating that he only had one life, it was his life and he was going to be happy regardless. Hmmm, and what has he got to show for this MO. Nothing of real substance I can assure you. No real friends and no loved ones. His cold callous disregard for every woman and child that has ever loved him has ensured
that he continues to search for happiness but it is something that remains elusive to him. Do I feel sorry for him. Lol….do I f”k!!!
I don’t need to forgive him to move on. I can accept him for the way he is.
Indifferent is my way. That’s my MO friend
Ox, we assess whether a child has some sort of disorder or difficulty that makes them behave badly. Sometimes it’s just a matter of choice. They choose to behave in an inappropriate manner. And even the damaged, disadvantaged or academically weak children have a choice. It’s our job to teach them that any behaviour has a consequence.
Sorry, if you are going to insist on being a selfish brat …..a big overgrown selfish brat with adult tantrums is what you is gona get!!!
And…..sorry I am gona shut up after this!…..my ex had mahusive tantrums, broke things and generally threw his weight around. It was controlled though if you get my meaning. He always said he couldnt control his anger …. But he knew exactly what he was doing IMO.
I have experienced uncontrolled anger at the hands of the man I was married to for 18 years. he would lash out and ask questions later. The ex spath used his anger to control me in a different way. Far more sinister and pre meditated
I do NOT forgive my husband whom I have concluded is spath. It too big a job for me so I have turned forgiving him over to God. I forgive myself for what I let him do.
Once I realized how much a dead end my husand is, I no longer feel guilty for giving up on my him. Except for here on LF, he is rarely in my thoughts. I am too busy building a life for myself, resolving my problems, and enjoying my blessings to dwell on anything about him.
I do think spaths have the ability to control their impulses. Does every spath kill/steal/lie when they feel like it? No. They choose when and where. It is a GAME for them. Would anyone else have gotten involved with their spath if they knew the truth at the beginning? No. My spath concealed his true self b/c he KNOWS that he is abhorent. Ahem. MASK!!! If I could control MY impulses that completely, chocolate and coffee would be a rare treat instead of my toxins!
These behaviors show that spaths have the ability to control their impulses even better than we can control ours. While their life motivation is to WIN and they will chose to destroy themselves in order to WIN, they chose WHEN to allow that impulse. And it is b/c of this dominating motivation to WIN that makes them the ultimate LOSER, but each of those behaviors to destroy is CHOSEN at that time of their CHOSING. They don’t give up a victim until they decide that victim is no longer worth anything to them, the devalue and discard come at the END of exploitation, not after a day or a week.
While I had a HARD time cutting out the person that I felt guilty about and felt like a failure about, once I KNEW HIM for what he REALLY is, and after I was able to stop him from further damaging me, then I was able to feel indifferent towards him. To see him is to experience NO curiousity about him at all b/c he showed me that he was a NOTHING…
….. and frankly, I have other pressures such as I’ve got better things to do and NOT enough time to do them all!
Katy, you are right, I think, about them having some “impulse” control, in other words, deciding when and how to rob the bank, LOL but it just doesn’t seem to occur to some of them that they don’t have to rob the bank just because they think it is okay to do so. LOL
When we think about “lack of impulse control” we think (at least I do) think about a kid not thinking and darting out into the street following a ball that has bounced there. Not looking out for cars but “impulsively” running into the road. But impulse control also looks at for example money belonging to someone else and we think “gee that would be nice to have that money,” with impulse control we would say “yea, it would be nice but it is wrong to take something that belongs to someone else.” So we control our desire to have that money with a conscience….whereas the psychopath might look around to see if any one was watching when he picked it up. While the “looking around to see if anyone was watching” shows me that the psychopath has a KNOWLEDGE THAT STEALING IS WRONG, but s/he does NOT care that it is wrong or what others think as long as they don’t get caught. Even if caught, though, they will deny, deny DENY!!!! In the face of all evidence.
I think that denial in the face of evidence to the contrary is upsetting to people who don’t know about psychopath’s “lying when the truth would fit better even in the face of evidence.” That lack of right/left brain connection confuses some people I think as well, “Well why would he keep on saying he’s innocent unless he is?” That sort of thinking. I know it made me think twice, or three times, if I didn’t have ABSOLUTE evidence of guilt. Now, I don’t waiver if I have a “preponderance of evidence” that’s enough for me.
What a terrific conversation. Thank you all.
Hens, Oxy
Yes I am forever changed. No more “the world is GOOD”. I’m on alert for red flags.
And I am still trying to recover from the WTF. The angel and the devil bickering, which was he?? When you remember only snapshots in time it isn’t so clear.
Slim one, whatever you are reading, it sounds like it’s been good food for thought. Thanks for sharing it.
Athena
There is an old saying my grandfather used to use about “once a cat jumps on a HOT stove, you can’t make him get on a cold one.” In other words, once you have been “burned” by something, you are going to think ALL “stoves” are HOT!!! Even if they aren’t. Actually, when my kids were little they kept trying to touch my iron when I was ironing. They didn’t really understand the meaning of “hot” and kept reaching for the cord and the iron…so I turned it down so it wouldn’t really burn them but WOULD be uncomfortable and let them touch it. After that when I said “Hot” and pointed to something they would NOT touch it! Actually I told them a LOT of things were “hot” to get them to leave them alone! LOL The same way I told them that if they were “Not good, you can’t wash dishes tonight” Hee hee they were 11 or 12 when they figured out washing dishes was not a BIG privilege! hee hee I call it the TOM SAWYER method of parenting! But maybe it wasn’t really all that great! Look what I turned out to have for biological offspring! LOL
a greenbean,
I’m with you. I loved myself before I met my spath… I totally agree with Hens premisse. But I also know it’s not enough to be safe from a spath. I had my calling, I had my self-love, I was confident. I did not seek someone else to complete me, because I felt whole and myself already… already for a decade I have walked the globe with a vision of a relationship being like a brdige… the partners are each of them two pillars standing on their own. The relationship is like a bridge supported by both that makes them connect. The bridge does not “fix” or “complete” the pillars.
What I did have a need for (and still have, but it has to move aside for other prioritzed needs… my own health and stability) when I met the spath was to bond with someone, to love someone, to share my private time with, to cook and clean and keep house with, to just share life basically. I NEVER had lived with someone together before the spath. Yes, I had a relationship for 5.5 years when I was a student, and we both kinda lived in each other’s homes (well the homes of our parents), but it’s not the same as sharing a life together as an independent adult. I was totally bored with having solely myself to think about from morning till evening (except for my cat and pupils).
And despite the hell of the other things… yes, I bonded (he didn’t though), and it was fun to live together with someone and not just think only about myself from morning till evening. My loving and nurturing side was fed up with being unemployed. And boy, did he took advantage of that.