Back in August of 2010, I told my story of being defrauded by a sociopath as “star” of the premiere episode of Who the (Bleep) Did I Marry?, a TV show that aired on the Investigation Discovery network. Well, since that first exciting night, the show has probably aired 30 or 40 times. It aired in Australia. It aired in South America. On Friday, it aired on the Oprah Winfrey Network. Hey, I’ve finally been on Oprah!
I never know in advance when the show is going to air—I only find out when I start receiving emails from people who see it and identify with my story. A couple of months ago I heard from a man who saw the show and was beginning to suspect that a woman in his life was using him for money. We’ll call the man “Howard.”
Three sociopaths
Howard arranged a consultation with me. He told me his story. Listening to him, it was easy for me to see that the woman was clearly a sociopath, and was clearly using him for money. But that’s not all. As Howard told me more about his situation, I realized that he was involved with three sociopathic women at the same time.
One was his wife. They had married in their early 20s, and she was controlling and emotionally abusive from the beginning—and that was more than 30 years ago. Howard was not happy, and a few years ago, Howard connected with a woman from his past, whom we’ll call “Cindy—”she’s the one who is now bleeding his money.
Well, Cindy love bombed Howard, promised him the world, and he started an affair with her. He also started divorce proceedings from his wife. But when he was about to make the move to be with Cindy permanently—supposedly what she wanted—suddenly she didn’t want it any more. Then the wife, who was happy to divorce when Howard gave her all the proceeds from selling their property, suddenly didn’t want a divorce any more.
Howard, essentially homeless, started staying with another woman as a housemate. Based on what I’ve heard about this woman’s behavior, she’s another sociopath.
Howard is wracked with guilt about his wife, even though she was abusive and is using him. He feels obligated to Cindy, even though she discarded him, but still wants his money. And the housemate—well, she’s laying the groundwork to make a move.
All Howard really wants is to find a woman who really loves him. But in one of his emails, he wrote:
“I guess I don’t believe that a woman will love me.”
Changing the belief
Howard believes he is not deserving of love. That belief is the core of his problems.
When we believe that we are unworthy of love, or respect, or even life, we become vulnerable to the sociopath. Why? Because sociopaths prey on vulnerability. They have an uncanny ability to figure out what we are vulnerable to, and hook us with promises that they will make our vulnerability go away.
They promise us the love that we always wanted but feared we would never find. They offer us recognition, praise, validation. At least, they pretend to. And we, wanting what they promise so desperately, fall into their traps. Then, we find ourselves psychologically bonded to them, so we can’t escape.
This is what happened to Howard. On an intellectual level, he knows that the women are using him. But because of his long history with them, he is so wrapped up emotionally, and so psychologically bonded, that he is struggling to see his way out of his situation.
Making the change
So where do these beliefs of unworthiness come from? Often they are rooted in negative experiences during our formative years. Perhaps we were neglected or abused as children. Perhaps we were teased or bullied in school. Those of you who have read my book, Love Fraud, know that I also believe we may have been born with these ideas as remnants of past lives.
But the truth is, where the false beliefs came from doesn’t matter. Looking at the conditions of our lives, we can see that we have them. Our job is to change our minds about what we deserve. This change is never going to come from the outside, from some other person or situation. It is a change that we must make for ourselves.
How do we do it? First, we must make the decision to change our minds. It’s not just going to happen; we must choose to make it happen.
Then we consciously let go of negative beliefs and replace them with positive beliefs. We decide that we are deserving of love, and start treating ourselves that way. We no longer let sociopaths, or anyone else, walk all over us. We consciously remove people who disrespect us from our lives. We start treating ourselves better.
It takes time and effort to change old thought patterns. But when we do, our life patterns will change. We will be able to find peace and happiness. And eventually, we’ll probably surprise ourselves and find love.
Howard is making progress. I believe he will find the strength to remove all of these parasitic women from his life. And, continuing on his healing path, one day he’ll come across a real woman who truly loves him.
All of these positive changes come from believing in ourselves.
Hi All,
Wow! Great conversation. It is absolutely true that our dysfunction doesn’t absolve us from responsibility. I agree. We have to be held to some common standard for the majority of us to thrive and be happy and safe.
But just for the sake of conversation and exploration: don’t we give different sentences for ‘crazy’ people (who hear voices and such) when they commit murder? We say they are crazy, and we have a different approach. We hold them accountable, but we enforce their treatment/punishment differently. We see them as different than the rest, and we treat them accordingly.
I keep having this niggling question whether (just because) these types can verbalize right and wrong, and manipulate language to mimic understanding, and appear ‘normal’ to someone not in-the-know about them- does that mean they can stop themselves from acting out their mental illness/brain damage/whateveryouwanttocallit? Yes, maybe they may be able to stop just short of murder or bank robbery, or some other grossly illegal violation. But they still seem to be compelled to continue to deceive. They always deceive. And they ‘know’ that is wrong too. As Oxy pointed out they do it when the truth would serve them better.
I wonder if, as Oxy also pointed out, it is not so much that they DON’T care if stealing is wrong. But rather they CANNOT care. They literally don’t have ‘caring’ as part of their beingness. They can mimic caring, but don’t actually FEEL caring. They are short the caring gene.
Because if they could, SURELY some of them, even a handful, would be transformed into humane beings, right? But NONE of the one’s we know about, either personally, or in the media, ever turn that corner.
Don’t misread me here. I am NOT for excusing the terrible terrible things done me, or anyone else here. Not for one second. I am not advocating any kind of pity for them. None.
My thoughts and questions probably don’t have much to do with other’s healing, just mostly my own.
Night all,
slim
slimone –
” just for the sake of conversation and exploration: don’t we give different sentences for ’crazy’ people (who hear voices and such) when they commit murder? We say they are crazy, and we have a different approach. We hold them accountable, but we enforce their treatment/punishment differently. We see them as different than the rest, and we treat them accordingly.”
That is true, where an offender has a recognisable, diagnosed mental disorder/illness. But are you aware that in some countries – those which are infinitley more “spath-aware” and “spath-educated” than mine, unfortunately – offenders who fall into the diagnosed category of sociopath/psychopath are NOT treated the same as those who are considered mentally ill? SPATHDOM is NOT a mental illness, nor is it one of the Personality Disorders which are involuntary and for which there is generally good treatment and management available. SPATHDOM (wherever you are and whatever you call it) is, in some progressive and more enlightened countries, recognised as a CHOICE TO STAY SPATH.
A Personality Disorder? Probably – that’s how it is presently classified in the DSM and in the European equivalent. But maybe not – maybe in a class all of its own. Regardless of the eventual outcome of the various and often (at this time) conflicting research and evidence about SPATHDOM, these countries DO treat SPATHS differently. For instance, if an offender is measured against the Hare scale for P traits and returns a positive result (i.e. a high enough score), then they are held as being FULLY CULPABLE for their dreadful behaviour. In a case where a mentally ill person might be given a reduced sentence as a concession of their illness, a SPATH will be given life in prison or the death penalty because it is recognised (by well-informed countries – not my idiot country which still attempts to “rehabilitate the unrehabilitateable”) that SPATHS
– KNOW what bad and evil are as opposed to good and pure
– CHOOSE to do it anyway
– CHOOSE to it NOT despite its awful consequences but BECAUSE of its awful consequences
– REVEL in, ROLL in, LAP up and ENJOY the drama, trauma, grief, destruction and distress they cause
– will NEVER change because THEY LIKE the way they are and will never see a need to change and will laugh at any suggestion that they should
– only ever show (read “pretend”) signs of “reform” when it will work to their advantage to do so (eg:before the parole baord, if there’s a chance of their release so that they can get out amongst the public and do it all again!)
– unlike humans, have no fear of the consequences of their actions; it’s often their very bold and fearless dare-devil nature that draws some of us to them (they look exciting, although in reality, they are anything but)
“does that mean they can stop themselves from acting out their mental illness/brain damage/whateveryouwanttocallit? …they may be able to stop just short of murder or bank robbery, or some other grossly illegal violation…. seem to be compelled to continue to deceive. They always deceive. ..they do it when the truth would serve them better.”
Yes, it does. All of the good research gives every indication that if they WANTED to they have the capacity to reform. They just don’t want to and that’s why some of the more clever penal systems treat them differently to people who are mentally ill.
“They can mimic caring, but don’t actually FEEL caring. They are short the caring gene.”
But we ALL (even us humans) learn our socially acceptable and good behaviours by mimicking it throughout our lives. Our consciences are fine-tuned as we go through life and learn the difference between good and bad; babies are not born knowing all of this stuff. It then becomes our own personal choice as we mature, as to how much of this learned acceptable behaviour we apply in our own lives.
Many of us take it ALL on board and apart from the inevitable mistakes and slip-ups that all imperfect humans must make from time to time, do a pretty good job of always trying to be a decent person. Others will take on board MOST but not all – personal choice; might make them a bit of a renegade or a bit of a rebel or a bit of a petty criminal – or even a lot of a criminal; but it still doesn’t make them a full-blown P/S; in fact, even within many criminal organistaions, there are still “codes of conduct” and ethics that are generally held to (bizarre and contradictory as that all might seem to us non-criminals, it remains a fact).
SPATHS are a law unto themselves; there are NO ETHICS worth their while and ANY “GOOD” behaviour on their part is simply a means to an end. They are not even “sometimes good/sometimes bad”, as if some kind of moral struggle is raging inside them that with a little help (as we stupidly, until we know better, try to offer them) might prevail on the side of truth and justice. No. Everything they say, do and think is for a reason and the reason is always a bad one. ALWAYS.
“I am not advocating any kind of pity for them. None.”
Good. Don’t. Save all of your pity for the victims and the dupes; save it for your fellow survivors. WE deserve it.
“My thoughts and questions probably don’t have much to do with other’s healing, just mostly my own.”
Don’t think that for a second. Those of us who have been here for a while, got here by comparing our own thoughts and questions with those of others on this site. It’s the way we learn to compile the data we need and assimilate it into our brains and minds and hearts until we are clear about WTF just happened to us. Once we are there – totally convinced and completely educated – there is never again a doubt in our minds. Everything crystallises and stays so very clear.
Some take longer than others to get there, for various reasons – personal disposition, proximity to the SPATH, levels of support in our real (non-cyber) lives, other personal issues and variations in circumstance. But I do promise you this – once you are there, you are THERE. x
The spiritual and philosophical thinking that we do about “them versus us” and how we responded to their behavior, did we “participate in it?” is part of our healing. Sometimes I know I actually let my association with the psychopaths make my moral compass drift off course. I said and did things that I later wished I hadn’t.
Healing from a psychopath isn’t JUST about learning the signs and symptoms of psychopaths, learning the red flags, it is about our inner selves. It is about how we treat others, how we treat ourselves, and how we allow others to treat us. We have to reexamine our own moral compasses, our own sense of what is right and what is wrong. We have to come face to face with our own ideas of spirituality, health versus illness, moral versus immoral, right versus wrong…what makes us happy. It takes work, and it takes time, but the journey is important. That journey is LIFE and we live it one day at a time, one step at a time.
Like Aussie Girl points out, it takes different amounts of time for each of us as we find our own directions at our own paces.
Thinking about, talking about, examining the things we talk about here—from humor to philosophy to spiritual aspects is part of the journey, part of the learning. It’s what makes LF special. VERY SPECIAL.
What are you still doing up you naughty girl? You should be all tucked up in bed. x
It’s lunch time here and I’m hungry so I’m off to make some lunch.
GO TO BED!!!!!!!!!!!!!! xoxoxoxoxo
Actually, Aussie Girl, it is only 10 p.m. here so I’m not up tooooo late! Just doing the last load of laundry! Putting it in the dryer. Listening to the weather report for tomorrow and waiting for the dog to come back from his run!
Envy your season though! That’s for sure, it is damp and dreary here, though not as cold as it could be for this time of year as we come into our winter season soon. I remember the Christmas day I spent at Durban Beach in South Africa and the sunburn I got! Blistering! Spent the week between Christmas and New Year’s in a hotel room dressed in sun burn cream! OUCH! Gosh that has been so longggggg ago too!
But I won’t complain about the winter either, or the cold because we had a blistering summer just past and I’m grateful for the relief!
Well, I AM off to bed now, have a nice lunch!
‘Night Ox. Sweet dreams. xxxx
To Raised by a Sociopath:
About accountability. I kept Jim’s crock pot. It was the first time I kept something of his after a break-up.
I never made him suffer the consequences of his actions before. I always made him whole. by giving him everything he dumped here. And he always kept what is mine that he took from me. He was double dipping the profits.
Jim made a fuss in the neighborhood about me holding his crock pot.
People were telling me to give him his crock pot! I said no. He still was holding my property and I have his crock pot.
Of course Jim pushed it further and said he had valuable property left here. I’m surprised he didn’t claim to have a envelope full of cash here.
I really believe that me keeping his crock pot threw him for a loop. The hoarder had to give-up something. And, that is a shock factor for a hoarder! He never saw it coming. I think he realized that he can lose.
My neighbor lady had told me Jim asked her to go to my house to look for his crock pot. She told him no. He asked if she would just look around and tell him if she sees it and tell him where I put it. I think he would have broken in to steal it if he knew exactly where it was! It would be a quick IN and OUT.
He is crazy! What would he do if his next girlfriend keeps his toaster?
Hi Jeannie –
Talking about “crock pots” makes me think about what “crack pots” all spaths are!
Now that we are so far out from it, we can see the absurdity of their behaviour. It’s hard to imagine now that we once excused it to others and defended them over it…..
crock pots and crack pots oh my..
Slimone,
I also feel sorry for them. I feel sorry that they made the choice to be evil. They chose to separate themselves from God. How can I not feel sorry for that? But it isn’t up to me to make them whole again. It’s up to them.
The fact is, that they are addicted to making other people take responsibility for them and their behaviors. It’s part of their “illness”. It’s why they scapegoat us and parasite on us and slander us.
If we do ANYTHING to make their lives easier or to hold them less accountable, we are enabling their addiction. And the enabler IS guilty of a crime. We enablers, can be forgiven if we didn’t know better. But once we DO know better, we can’t continue to enable.
Psychopathy, like Cleckley said, is a “disease” that involves more than one person. (paraphrased) A spath can’t be a spath without a dupe. We have the opportunity to deprive them of even the slightest morsel.