Back in August of 2010, I told my story of being defrauded by a sociopath as “star” of the premiere episode of Who the (Bleep) Did I Marry?, a TV show that aired on the Investigation Discovery network. Well, since that first exciting night, the show has probably aired 30 or 40 times. It aired in Australia. It aired in South America. On Friday, it aired on the Oprah Winfrey Network. Hey, I’ve finally been on Oprah!
I never know in advance when the show is going to air—I only find out when I start receiving emails from people who see it and identify with my story. A couple of months ago I heard from a man who saw the show and was beginning to suspect that a woman in his life was using him for money. We’ll call the man “Howard.”
Three sociopaths
Howard arranged a consultation with me. He told me his story. Listening to him, it was easy for me to see that the woman was clearly a sociopath, and was clearly using him for money. But that’s not all. As Howard told me more about his situation, I realized that he was involved with three sociopathic women at the same time.
One was his wife. They had married in their early 20s, and she was controlling and emotionally abusive from the beginning—and that was more than 30 years ago. Howard was not happy, and a few years ago, Howard connected with a woman from his past, whom we’ll call “Cindy—”she’s the one who is now bleeding his money.
Well, Cindy love bombed Howard, promised him the world, and he started an affair with her. He also started divorce proceedings from his wife. But when he was about to make the move to be with Cindy permanently—supposedly what she wanted—suddenly she didn’t want it any more. Then the wife, who was happy to divorce when Howard gave her all the proceeds from selling their property, suddenly didn’t want a divorce any more.
Howard, essentially homeless, started staying with another woman as a housemate. Based on what I’ve heard about this woman’s behavior, she’s another sociopath.
Howard is wracked with guilt about his wife, even though she was abusive and is using him. He feels obligated to Cindy, even though she discarded him, but still wants his money. And the housemate—well, she’s laying the groundwork to make a move.
All Howard really wants is to find a woman who really loves him. But in one of his emails, he wrote:
“I guess I don’t believe that a woman will love me.”
Changing the belief
Howard believes he is not deserving of love. That belief is the core of his problems.
When we believe that we are unworthy of love, or respect, or even life, we become vulnerable to the sociopath. Why? Because sociopaths prey on vulnerability. They have an uncanny ability to figure out what we are vulnerable to, and hook us with promises that they will make our vulnerability go away.
They promise us the love that we always wanted but feared we would never find. They offer us recognition, praise, validation. At least, they pretend to. And we, wanting what they promise so desperately, fall into their traps. Then, we find ourselves psychologically bonded to them, so we can’t escape.
This is what happened to Howard. On an intellectual level, he knows that the women are using him. But because of his long history with them, he is so wrapped up emotionally, and so psychologically bonded, that he is struggling to see his way out of his situation.
Making the change
So where do these beliefs of unworthiness come from? Often they are rooted in negative experiences during our formative years. Perhaps we were neglected or abused as children. Perhaps we were teased or bullied in school. Those of you who have read my book, Love Fraud, know that I also believe we may have been born with these ideas as remnants of past lives.
But the truth is, where the false beliefs came from doesn’t matter. Looking at the conditions of our lives, we can see that we have them. Our job is to change our minds about what we deserve. This change is never going to come from the outside, from some other person or situation. It is a change that we must make for ourselves.
How do we do it? First, we must make the decision to change our minds. It’s not just going to happen; we must choose to make it happen.
Then we consciously let go of negative beliefs and replace them with positive beliefs. We decide that we are deserving of love, and start treating ourselves that way. We no longer let sociopaths, or anyone else, walk all over us. We consciously remove people who disrespect us from our lives. We start treating ourselves better.
It takes time and effort to change old thought patterns. But when we do, our life patterns will change. We will be able to find peace and happiness. And eventually, we’ll probably surprise ourselves and find love.
Howard is making progress. I believe he will find the strength to remove all of these parasitic women from his life. And, continuing on his healing path, one day he’ll come across a real woman who truly loves him.
All of these positive changes come from believing in ourselves.
Darwinsmom, phew! I totally identify with your sentiments. It’s what I miss so much about living with someone. Care, companionship, closeness…..of course it was all one sided. I see that now. After years of believing he loved me back….he did not. But if I questioned him …I did used to often comment that he didnt appear to like me never mind love me!……he would lie. Gas light me.
Like you I had so much to give and yes my vulnerability was palpable.
Strongawoman,
Just writing abut that yearning to share my life together on a daily basis with another human being made me feel it again. Those were the things I really liked, even with the spath… being held or holding somene when sleeping IF he was home; cooking and deciding what to make for dinner; cleaning house together; managing the hosuehold together.
Luckily, I did not feel any ‘I miss him’ feelings… It is far better to be alone than to deal with his shit on top of it. But I recognize the yearning of companionship, not having to carry daily life on your own shoulders all the time (even if you manage it), and being free to show my love whenever I feel like it is still inside me.
Darwin didn’t know what happened when I cuddled him so close to me when I went to bed last night. Hihihihihi… He loves to cuddle up to me, but me pulling him so close… he started to wriggle. LOL
And… today I had that computermathlab test, which counts for 25% of the overall score… I’m certain I passed that test. Completed 3 out of 4 program tasks, with the asked for result. Some of the code may not have been the fewest lines and most straightforward… so I expect a score between 12-15 out of 20 on that test.
Now it’s project time… we have all the necessary images, programming code, insight in the project… just need to pour it in an article and a presentation. Deadline thuesday evening before midnight. Presentation next week on Thursday. And the project counts for 75%. If we do our work, this subject is in the pocket. YAY!
Jeannie,
I had to laugh about the “the great crock pot theft” that you did! LOL You can get them at Wal Mart for $19 or a used one for $3 at good will, that is the absurdity of it all! It isn’t about something “valuable” in terms of “can’t be replaced easily” That is the crazy thing about a hoarder.
Asking your neighbor to find out where you keep it. LOL ROTFLMAO that is insanity! Pure and simple!
Sky, I agree with you that if we ENABLE a psychopath to continue to con others, even ourselves, we are culpable in the conning. Once we know what is going on, it is up to us to STOP participating in the drama, in the con.
That has been the most frustrating part of my situation here is that my egg donor continues to ENABLE the con….but just as I can’t control the psychopath’s behavior, I can’t control her’s either. I have to accept that I cannot control her, can’t reason with her, but can only distance myself from her. Even though I know this, I still have a small voice inside that wants to believe I could somehow “get through to” her….I guess I will always have to “fight” that tendency to WANT to continue to try to “FIX” the situation….not sure I will ever totally 110% get to the point that the small corner goes completely away.
I guess you could call that small “voice”, that corner that wants to fix the unfixable, “temptation” –maybe it is like wanting a cigarette once in a while, that little craving that seems to pop up out of no where, or maybe it is the way someone who is an alcoholic and has stopped drinking will suddenly want a drink. But just like I know that I can’t have a cigarette, not even one, and stay smoke-free, I know I can’t have contact with the psychopaths, I can’t expect anything from them, and I need to keep on reminding myself that they are TOXIC. I can’t trust them. They don’t love me, never will.
Unfortunately, this is not surprising. I’ve run across sociopathic men and women my entire life – in the mall, in my family, throughout school, and particularly in the workplace. The statistics say 1 in 10 people are sociopathic. I think it is more like 4-5 people are sociopathic. I believe the stats are understated because SP tend to protect and cover for one another. (I wouldn’t be surprise if SP’s are part of the group gathering the stats!) Talk about bullying in the schools, it’s way more prevalent and dangerous in the workplace. But we’re told to “leave – walk away” because you can’t fix the SP. Targets should be able to file civil cases gainst the SP and sue for pain and suffering with a minimum $5000 award if convicted. If they don’t pay up or try to skip out, then they get jail time – minimum six months in the penitentiary AND still have to pay restitution.
darwinsmom, strongawoman,
you’ve got it, it is definitely something about sharing normal parts of life with someone that i miss too. i lived happily single for years before i lost my job. in that empty space in my life i started really wanting to be with someone, to have someone to share things with.
i did not live with my spath, but we were together daily. we worked so seemlessly together, in the normal functions of a day to day life. making dinner together, cleaning, running errands. we very easily integrated into each others lives. we both had our own interests that we could take time to do and enjoy, and then come back together and talk about our day. i felt joyful sharing those things with someone, in a way i had never felt in other relationships.
but when i needed him, of course, he was unavailable in some way or another.
so yes, its better to be alone than unsupported, or even cut down, by someone. but that feeling of peace in those moments where we shared everything like it was natural for us to do, that is what i miss so much.
today is a mixed day, its the anniversary of the argument that lead to our parting. it was a terrible stupid thing and it confirmed what i had known all along, that he didn’t LOVE me, he wanted to RULE me. i was there for him to put down so he could lift himself up. it’s funny, almost, because he knew too in that moment, that he couldn’t do it anymore, that i had caught on. I was part of a game he HAD to win, and he was losing his lead.
Sometimes i stay away from this blog because i feel like it almost triggers depression, brings up memories i have been trying to let go of. But when i feel terrible and as if no one would ever understand, and that even my therapist is tired of hearing me yaw about this person, i come back and i realize i will never actually be alone.
thank you everyone, for sharing and making this a home for the wounded.
Oxy, yes, that’s what it feels like: a temptation.
More than a desire for coffee or food which feels more like a compulsion – (when you know you shouldn’t) the desire to control another person feels more like a temptation.
From the story about the temptation in the garden of eden, I can see that temptation is an appeal to your narcissism. Whereas a compulsion is a desire to placate a hunger or fear.
I think this is an important distinction.
Greenbean, this isn’t just a “home for the wounded” it is a school for the healing! Sure, we come here wounded from the adventure with the psychopath, but we LEARN AND GROW and HEAL!!! That’s the point!
Jackiemature, welcome to LF, don’t think I’ve seen you post before. Actually the statistics of psychopaths in general population is 1 to 4 in a hundred, but that is only considering those with a score of 30 or more on the Psychopath’s Check List-revised by Dr. Robert Hare, there are plenty of “nearly psychopaths” that are just as toxic to relationships. You are right, the numbers of DYSFUNCTIONAL people is much higher!
Sky, never thought of it that way, but I think you may be on to something here about the differences between types of temptations.
Don’t know if you remember the article I wrote for LF about Eve versus Satan (analogy of Satan as the FIRST psychopath) and you are right, he appealed to her Narcissism, her desire to be as wise as God….Satan didn’t “gain” a single thing except to see her fall on her face and be cast out of paradise. Typical Psychopathic creep!
Yea, when we give in to our own narcissistic desires/temptations We usually DO fall flat on our faces as well. Not that it is not good to love ourselves to be good to ourselves, because it is, but the difference between THAT kind of being good to ourselves versus being Narcissistic is what makes the difference.
Good point, Sky!
Hi Aussiegirl and Skylar,
To be clear: I do feel compassion. I don’t, for one second, want to give them a lesser punishment for their heinous transgressions, or even help them in some way. I am 100% for keeping my distance and going NC if I get a whiff of red flag, or an intuition that something is ‘off’ with someone.
I am glad that in some of the more aware countries they mete out harsh punishments for these monsters. My husband suggests the Guillotiene (gosh I don’t know how to spell that!) be resurrected, since we don’t have any therapies or medications that are effective. Life sentences work for me too.
Slim
Oxy,
right, loving ourselves is our responsibility and obligation. I don’t think that it is narcissism. Believing that we are responsible for saving the world or anyone else, is narcissism, I think.
On that thread about Ayn Rand (different site, not LF) I think someone pointed out that BOUNDARIES are the answer to the question.
The question being: when are you responsible for your fellow man and how much?
Boundaries tell us when we end and another begins. With boundaries you don’t treat others as if they were extensions of yourself – you respect their unique personhood. While simutaneously, you don’t allow others to take away your unique personhood.
I think they said it better than I did. I’ll have to find the comment again.