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The journey from pain to peace

The Lovefraud reader “Kataroux” has been struggling with the profound betrayal she endured at the hands of a charming young sociopath who turned out to be nothing more than a parasite. She told her entire story in the post from September 25, 2013, entitled How I was duped by a young sociopath and believed all his lies until now!

On October 4, Kataroux posted the following comment on Lovefraud:

As I sit here tonight I find myself wondering how I ever let something like this happen to me and yet I know the answer. I just buried my husband and wanted to feel loved again and Spath jumped in with promises of a wonderful future and I bent over backwards to give him just that. Notice I said to “give him just that” because I never bent over backwards for myself. I allowed him to dictate my life and control me without even knowing it. I allowed him to cause so many complications that I sent my youngest son to live with his father (I will always regret that decision) because I wanted Spath to be “happy.” All the money I spent and borrowed (and still owe) because of this man makes my hate for him so strong that I can barely stand it at times.

There are two things I cannot seem to do:

1. Grieve — Every time I am sad and want to cry I force it back and refuse to shed another tear over that man. Yet, sometimes I know if I just cry and scream I will feel better but I can’t seem to dig deep enough to allow myself to do that. I have always had trouble dealing with grief and I know if I don’t deal with it I am going to drive myself crazy.

2. Forgive myself — How can I forgive myself when I allowed this to happen? How can I forgive myself when I should have known better? How can I forgive myself for giving up so much for a man I only thought loved me? Forgiving myself is a hard one because I am so dang mad. I am so mad at him it physically causes me pain and I am mad at myself because I am so mad at him that it causes me pain ”¦ make sense?

I am trying to move forward I just don’t know what forward is. I mean I am dieting and working out but I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t feel like the strong person everyone says I am. I don’t “feel” anything but hate! Even though I NEVER want to see that man again and looking at a picture of him makes me want to vomit, I will never not hate him for making my life a lie and for faking to love me. I will hate him forever for that and that knowledge eats me up because I have always been a kind, trusting person and now I am suspicious of every man.

Spath has been out of my house since September 1, the last time I physically saw him was on the 15th and I have had zero contact with him since the morning of the 25th. I guess it is a good thing that he is so convinced that I am the “crazy ex-girlfriend” and so busy trying to “fool his new victim” that he does not even try to contact me. According to him everything is my fault and, you know, sometimes I believe it.

Response from Donna Andersen

Dear Kataroux,

I know exactly how you feel as does everyone at Lovefraud. This is one of the most painful aspects of realizing that our partner is a sociopath: We have to acknowledge that we participated in our own betrayal. But keep in mind that you, like all of us, were deceived. You were looking for love and companionship. He said he was looking for love and companionship. In reality, he wanted a place to live and someone to support him.

This man targeted you when you were vulnerable. Your husband had just died. This man saw your grief as an opportunity. Under the guise of “being there for you,” the creep moved in on you. His behavior was despicable.

You have every reason to be angry. You have every reason to hate him. In fact, when anger and hatred are so overwhelming, they morph into numbness. That’s where you are right now; you are numb. And that’s why you can’t grieve and can’t forgive yourself. You are so filled with rage at his horrendous betrayal that you are numb.

And that’s okay for now.

Keep in mind that this is all very fresh and raw for you. You last had contact with the man on September 25, and you posted your comment on October 4. So it’s only been nine days since your last had contact!

Remember, every time you have contact, it’s like reopening a fresh wound. That’s why it’s critical for you to maintain No Contact. This is what enables you to heal, and you’ve only just begun.

The recovery journey

Recovery is a process. In fact, I found one of the best step-by-step recovery procedures in a book called The Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Dr. Karin Huffer.

In her practice as a therapist, Dr. Huffer found that many people who had been betrayed by a sociopath were further betrayed by the legal system when they sought justice. This book provides eight steps to recovery from legal abuse, but the steps work for recovering from sociopathic abuse as well. You can read a description of the steps here:

A guidebook for recovering from the devastation of a sociopath

The point is, recovery takes time, and you are in the very early stages of the process. Your wounds are deep. Your pain has been accumulating over years. There is the pain of the sociopath. There is the pain of your husband before the sociopath, who was addicted to drugs. And there may be an earlier pain that made you vulnerable to both of those men.

Maintain no contact. Eventually the numbness will start to thaw, and then you’ll feel the grief. You’ll process the anger and the hatred.

The sociopath deserves to be hated. Unfortunately, there is a problem with hatred it doesn’t affect him, but it eats you from the inside out. So at some point, when you are ready, it would be best to let go of the hatred.

And that will be the forgiveness. We’ve had many discussions of forgiveness here at Lovefraud. Forgiveness does not mean you pretend that the betrayal didn’t happen. It doesn’t mean that you allow the predator back into your life.

Forgiveness means that you accept what happened and you let it go. Forgiveness is not for him; it’s for you. Forgiveness means he no longer consumes your thoughts, and his actions no longer matter to you.

You’re just beginning this journey, and it will be a bumpy. You’ll probably discover many things about others, and yourself, that you didn’t know. But I promise you, if you keep going, and allow yourself to recover, eventually you will find peace.

 


Comment on this article

31 Comments on "The journey from pain to peace"

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i strongly suggest you see a therapist as soon as possible!

Thank you for this great encouragement. I agree on all with you. It has been 8 months for me since I was discarded. I now forgive myself for letting him abuse me and I let go of all the hate. I remain No contact and plan not to ever talk to him again in my life. We do not share any minor children and my only son knows that the no contact is the only way we can regain our life. I know I will have the divorce battle ahead of me but I am ready for it. Eventually there will be nothing left what connects me to this monster anymore. The day I filed for the divorce is still one of my best times. I took this last way of control away from him. Because I know he wanted to “surprise” me with divorce papers. Only was I a little smarter this time. With the help of my family therapist and my aggressive attorney I will be ok. Thank you for this great website.

Every story has so many of the same traits………Good luck to you that you got out, stay NO CONTACT, if you can try to see a therapist, I didnt but I hope to eventually to help recovery with the ex sociopath and other situations in my life. I have tried to heal myself, it is Very hard but I am about 2 years fully away from him and finally starting to feel like a “normal” human again, although I have NO interest in any type of a romantic relationship at this point. Surround yourself with positive people, family and friends that have YOU’RE best interest at heart, try not to isolate yourself. Keep your faith, God WILL see you thru this!!! Wishing you all the best, this website is a wealth of knowledge!!

Thanks. Yes, faith played a big part in my recovery. The scripture “therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things sufficient for the day is its own trouble” has become a steady reminder about going on and not giving up. Also “for God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and a sound mind”.
Remember you need to have peace in your life. That is what happened. God took him away so you can have piece. Stay strong Katareaux. You are in my prayers.

Ms. Donna and Everyone here at Lovefruad:

I was shocked to see you had written this post but, to be honest, I am struggling and the only ones that completely understand are you all here.

You are right, my first husband was (is) a sociopath and was not just emotionally abusive but physically abusive as well. When I divorced him I married my friend, who just used me to get prescription drugs because he knew I loved him and would do anything to make that marriage work. When he passed away, my most recent Spath was the first to arrive. He went out of his way to make me laugh and even got me to love again. I began to plan a life with this man and then it was all gone. He recently told a friend (with tears in his eyes but ones that would never fall) how much he loved me and how he was heartbroken after we broke up…blah, blah, blah. I know this is all a lie because he was telling other women two days after he moved out, how he “got rid” of me and “been on my own for a month and a half now”. The truth is, he NEVER looked back and still continues to lie.

You are also right that the hate will eat me up and already I feel its effect on my spirit. I wake up totally pissed off and I go to bed totally pissed off and in between the two times I might laugh a little before being pissed off again. The only way I can think to deal with the hate is just know I will forever hate him and when I die I will take it up with the Good Lord.

I have not allowed myself to act on the temptation to send an email, or text, or call, or just drive over there and beat his ass. I have not acted on that because I know that No Contact IS what IS best for me! I know I will never get him to confess any wrongdoing and I know he will never be honest with me anyhow.

I try to keep myself busy, have joined the gym with my sons and really enjoy working out. Something about the physical pain that makes the emotional pain a little more bearable. I keep reminding myself that I kicked him out and I keep reminding myself that I did not deserve to be treated this way. I deserve to be treated like Gold and it is funny because I used to tell him that..lol.

I believe that the No Contact is the only way to go and I support that wholeheartedly. I am ridding my life of “toxic” people and surrounding myself with people I know and love and who want me to be a better me. He can believe his own lies but I know the TRUTH.

13 days NC and going strong!

Katareaux
That is awesome. Day 13. I just wanted to say that no matter what, you will never get an explanation or a reason why you were discarded and why he moved on so easily. And if you do it would not be the truth, it would be a lie or putting the blame on you . So why even bother? Why asking for more hurt ? I am so impressed with you joining a gym and “escaping” painful thoughts. A lady told me today that I look so much better and less stressed than when he was with me. And I know the reason for that ….. It’s because I don’t worry anymore about things like. Is he cheating on me? Is he lying to me? Am I good enough for him? Is he going to leave me? Is he going to divorce me? I don’t worry because he has put me through all this. There is nothing left for him to hurt me with. It’s a great feeling.

OMG Kaya:

When you said “A lady told me today that I look so much better and less stressed than when he was with me. And I know the reason for that ”.. It’s because I don’t worry anymore about things like. Is he cheating on me? Is he lying to me? Am I good enough for him? Is he going to leave me? Is he going to divorce me? I don’t worry because he has put me through all this., I about died because my neighbor told me almost the exact same thing the other day. She even said “you know, when you don’t have a man you look your best” before I left. It is so crazy that your thoughts and my thoughts were so identical. But you know what, I really don’t worry as much anymore. For once in my life, I have peace in my home and some since of normalcy. I don’t have to worry if he found someone new because he did. I don’t have to worry if he is cheating because I know he was. I don’t have to worry about what kind of mood he will be in today…because I don’t care.

Ms. Donna was right…I am numb! Except that I do know in my heart the truth and the truth is a powerful thing. I don’t feel real joy, or true happiness, or anything at all except anger and hate, and I hate feeling those two things. But I am certain, with all my being, that I never want to see or speak to that man again. And I sincerely wish him nothing but misery in his life.

The gym is the only place where I feel something other than that. I have always been conscious of my weight (he never minded of that but always talked to skinny woman even though his new victim is heavy) and for the first time I am doing something for me. When I got discarded it hurt so bad that I just knew if I was in a prettier package things would have been different. I know that is just my self-consious talking but I actually thought that. It was then that I realized that I have to do something for me and that is the one thing I don’t want to have to worry about anymore. I want to lose weight, get in shape and become healthier physically. I honestly didn’t think I would like that gym to I actually find that I love it. I love that deep muscle burn that just makes my brain just shut off. My oldest son, who is also overweight, and I are both on strict diets and count and record all calories and we work out together and encourage one another and on weekends when my youngest is home he goes with us and we all work out together. It is amazing how a little sweat and some laughter will make you forget your are broken hearted…lol! Anything to keep my mind and body busy.

I hope that in the next year I can get to the forgiveness stage Ms. Donna talked about and forgive myself. I will never forgive him, but I would love to for once in my adult life, be able to forgive myself.

OMG Katareaux
It seems like we were married or dating the same person. I am a little overweight also. He never said anything about it but loved talking to skinny women. When I first found out about the picture exchanging I lost so much weight, thinking he would love me again. If I only was more attractive then he would treat me better and not cheat and lie. Well, it did not work this way . Because no matter how skinny, sexy, attractive or smart I was, he had already discarded me in his mind. Because there was new supply available. Yes we do look better without them in our life :). And also I found that I don’t think if him on a daily base anymore because I don’t care. You are absolutely right.

Kata and everyone hello. I’ve been following and keeping up with most of the articles and comments including yours. I appreciate your raw honesty in describing your experiences. We all share so much in common here. I’m sorry for the misery that has been imposed on your life. The things you are feeling most of us here have experienced some version of. A couple things come to mind that may help some of us work through the tendency to pummel ourselves. Many, probably most who are chosen by a person of disturbed character are kind, compassionate people who strive to see the good in others. If this describes you, and I think it does, just know that on the other side of our journey we will still be kind and compassionate people who have educated and therefore empowered ourselves to recognize the small but noteworthy signs of a disordered character. If we get so caught up in the pain, the despair, the anger that we fail to educate ourselves, to learn what we need to spot the wolves, guess what ? The wolves are ok with that. They will do what they do. They are hungry. But if we do the work, if we share our knowledge and maybe a shoulder too, we can come out the other side of this mess as actually stronger, more balanced, more whole healthy people. Another thing. When we began our relationsham with our respective spaths we were likely very open and honest. Again these are beautiful personality traits. The fraud was not perpetrated by us. Don’t play into the psychopathic projections. The guilt, the accountability belong to the perpetrator. Don’t own what is theirs. True, authentic, intimate relationships cannot exist without openness, honesty, and trust. And last, it’s really not about what sex we are. It’s about our character. It’s about whether we live our lives in an authentic manner being honest with ourselves and others. I hope some of my babbling is helpful. Take care.

4light2shine,
Your post was eloquent! Though I still grieve the wasted yrs of my relationsham (LOVE THAT WORD!),I am a stronger person as a result;the qualities of kindness,patience and love were polished to a brilliant shine!

Blossom, thank you. Honestly my posts are cathartic for me as a way to get it out and to kind of say it out loud. I have never had counseling from a therapist, at least not so far. Like most here this is the only place where I can put it out there and think that others will really get it. Like many here I am viewed by many in my area as mentally off so it feels good to come here and make several coherent sentences in a row ! Lol. I really need to be here and to share with everyone here and of course continue my education. Thank you for always trying to share positivity with me and so many others. Keep on shining – and Blossoming !

4Light2shine:

Your “babbling” made perfect sense. I have always been a kind, compassionate person who looked at the good in others. I thought I saw the good in him, but there is no good in him. You are right about the empowerment of knowledge because until I discovered who he was I could only see the love I had for him. Now that I see him for who he is I am sickened by it. I always knew one day he would leave but never like this. Since I last spoke with him I have learned so much that I am actually creeped out a bit…I mean he is so very different in every single way that I don’t know what I saw in him in the first place.

Like you said “they are hungry” he has a new girlfriend and is still trolling Craigslist and replying to single sluts there and is still responding to others on the same website he met his current girlfriend…just like I knew he would. He IS incapable of being happy, even when it comes to his own decisions. Our mutual friends see him in a whole new light and although they are trying to remain “neutral” they have admitted that what he is doing is wrong and how they don’t feel the same towards him anymore.

I on the other hand woke up today and didn’t feel hate, I felt disgust! I saw a selfie he posted on Craigslist and the sight of him made me physically ill…I take it as a good sign. I felt good all day, got home and my oldest son and I went and worked out for an hour and although my legs feel like jello..I love it.

My mind is so open that I can actually, for the first time, see this man for who he really, truly is, and that is nothing but a con artist, a user, a liar, and emotionless. He has nothing to ever offer me again. I am smarter and better today than I was on September 1st and I will be smarter and better tomorrow. I just have to keep remembering it was not my fault and that I have no reason be be ashamed. Baby steps but at least they are steps forward.

Beautiful friends, be of good cheer!! Your future is brighter for your tragic experiences because these are your turning points to your personal growth!!
Stay away from the subhumans who seem to elicit these unnatural feelings of hate and anger in you. These feelings are not normal for you and they feel strange. They are necessary only as a means for your essential self to protect itself from subhuman interference in your beautiful world!
Those subhumans who tried to control you and subvert your beautiful lives have encouraged these unnaturally hateful feelings, and allowing these feelings to fester only gives the subhuman power and access into your better lifestyle choices, so avoid the negative feelings as soon as they have effectively dissuaded you from thinking that you might give the subhuman “another chance”. Use the negative feelings as your tool to prevent any further contact/damage from the subhuman!!
Tangentially, you may know that movies often rely on the horrific dramas of subhuman behavior to drive the plot. This is the case in the very well constructed film, Star Trek:Into Darkness directed by JJ Abrams. In this film, the villian is unmistakably psychopathic and the film includes a circumspect narrative regarding dealing with these kooks. The narrative discusses: in order to defend ourselves from further damage, how we must adopt a few of their horrible methods momentarily; how this is so alien and distasteful for those of us who are normally loving, that we might dispise ourselves in the process of eradicating them. But fear not, Dear Ones, for it is your higher and better natures which are truly you. You may have to become cold and callous momentarily in order to protect yourself to recover, but these subhuman traits are not normal for you. That’s why they feel strange and hideous.
Time will heal you. You will recover. Now you know. You are actually more beautiful than ever! Enjoy your life! Smile! You are beautiful! Be love!!

Please don’t be too hard on yourself at this early point since no contact. We often have too high expectations and may lean to being overly harsh on ourselves during early stages of recovery. The danger of having high expectations during early recovery may include making impulsive decisions to backtrack, judge ourselves as failures (not so at all!) and reconsider things that reflect on a non-deserved negative image. Remember, we all go through life making mistakes, then rising above to benefit and change through those very same mistakes. I wish for you that you grant yourself plenty of a Grace period of time… this could means months, maybe years. In my case, it took 5 years following a 32 marriage. I’m an old goat, too! but it’s never too late to be happy in your own skin, sufficient to yourself, knowing that ‘bad’ folks are not going to part of our choices anymore. Good Luck to you, best wishes. Never give up.

Shelby:

Thank you for the encouragement and you are right, and I am trying, to not be hard on myself. It is hard. However, today I woke up and didn’t feel hate, I felt disgust! I am disgusted at the creep this man really is. Knowing what he is and really seeing it for the first time, I don’t know what I ever saw in him. I built an image that he could never live up to. I wanted to be treated like gold and often told him I deserved to be treated like gold. Now I KNOW I deserve to be treated like gold!! I have been so grateful for the No Contact Rule that I live by it. I don’t have any desire to see him, hear his voice, see his name, etc. I am working on forgetting him but remembering they type of men I seem to attract and changing that. I have always been a strong, independent woman, who suffers from low self-esteem and have chosen men I thought would simply love me for me…instead they pretended to love me for what I could do for them.

Although I hurt, and my heart is broken, I know I will mend and learn to be happy without a man. I have always searched to have a man in my life and I think that is where I go wrong. I know I have to take things slowly and become comfortable with my own self before I can even consider another man (like maybe never..lol). It is simply my time to be good to me.

Katareaux,

Thanks for your open and honest letter.
You are moving in the right direction and even though it seems slow and painful,it sounds like you are healing and have become more self-aware.
I can relate to your initial post and even though my experience was several years ago,I still at times feel the emotions that you mention in your post.
One thing that I would like to say is that with every day,the pain of feeling “stupid” gets less and less.

Katareaux, keep strong and you will get through this as the rest of us have. I encourage you to read/learn as much as you can about the disorder as knowledge powers healing. I highly recommend this editorial piece http://www.nytimes.com/2013/10/06/opinion/sunday/great-betrayals.html?emc=eta1&_r=0 from Sunday’s NY Times.

This is very good article. Thank you for the link. It makes so much sense and explains why it so easy for the liar and cheater just to go on. Because they already knew what they were doing. No surprise there. On the other hand the victim was betrayed, lied to, cheated on and then discarded. That is an enormous surprise and shock for the betrayed person. I too, was in a state of shock when I exposed his lies and cheating. Not once in 20 years would I thought he was capable of inflicting such pain on his family. But now I do feel stronger every day, not bitter, not angry, not hateful anymore. But the disappointment is still there and hopefully one day I will find someone who truly appreciates me. It will be a long time until I am ready for this. It has been 8 months and I am still recovering and healing. Until I can forgive myself for letting him go this to me I am not ready for a new relationship. And that’s the scars and open wounds they leave us with. I know though that he is in misery and agony because he lost control over his victims, my son and I. I hope his new victim will see the truth in him faster than I did.

This article has me reflecting on the many steps of healing it has taken me to get to where I am now. Not to say that I don’t backslide here and there. I certainly do. But I am at the cusp of letting all of that hatred go. That battle doesn’t have my name on it anymore. I have learned to lay it down and walk away. It took me many, many years to get here. Am I still hurt? Yes, I am. But I’ve learned to acknowledge the hurt and remind myself that what happened happened and I am laying it down. I repeat it to myself all the time. I can’t change others’ opinions about me, I can’t change the mistakes I’ve made, and I can’t continue with the “what ifs”. It is done and my life is different because of it. But I so embrace the growth from this journey. Hatred is O.K. to feel at first, but don’t hang onto it. But don’t beat yourself up for feeling it. It will eventually turn to indifference. And that is a wonderful thing.
Blessing to you.

Exactly, you are so right. I stopped thinking about the entire thing. No more “what if’s?” It’s over and done with and I will make a better life for my son and I. My soon to be ex husband won’t be a part of it and I accepted this fact. Katareaux , for you it is still early and things will improve. 8 months ago I never thought I would be emotionally where I am now. It is like a “Death” in the family and it takes time. Thank you to everyone for all your great encouragement. My next goal is to get through this divorce and that will be my final closure to this chapter of my life. The best thing that came out of all this is my precious 18 year old son. I know he will be a much better friend, husband, person, co worker and Dad, than his father ever was. Raising him I made sure he would be the opposite of his father and I accomplished that goal.

This article meant a lot to me and I so appreciate Donna’s understanding and excellent counsel. I was married to what I eventually realised was a psychopath for 23 years and when we divorced, I was so devastated, I felt it was the end of my life. But the fact that I still had 3 young, abused but much loved sons who deserved a parent, kept me going. After all, they hadn’t asked to be born and I was the only one left to raise them as best I could. Fortunately, this and having to work 2 jobs just to put food on the table, kept me very physically busy. But 23 years of being propagandized made me realise that first, I had to regain my original self. So with each thing I did, I first asked myself, “Is this what YOU really want to do and think?” It began with questioning every tv. program I watched; was this what I wanted or what I had been programmed to watch? Gradually I regained my former self and with it came freedom, self-assurance and independence. Even what seemed insurmountable, I discoverd I could do with perseverance.
I raised 5 wonderful children and they were widely loved and educated. My youngest is even a pediatric endocrinologist! They were my pride and joy; we seemingly had met many hurdles together. However, this is not the end of the tale. In their mid-twenties, psychotic symptoms began to appear and the children and I became more and more alienated. End result? I am now devastated again by having to go NC with all of my family. 5 years ago I became disabled, the result of 2 botched spinal surgewries which severed some nerves to my spine. 4 years ago, in a fit of rage over his brother’s impending divorce, he told me that if I remained friendly with that son’s ex and her precious little girl, all the children would have me committed! This worried me no end so I called my attorney. He just laughed at the thought (threat) and upon his and 2 leading psychology experts advice, I am NC with all of them. It has been a mother’s worst nightmare to lose all her children, yet I’m still here.
As Donna says, victims can get over their abusive relationships but it takes NC, time and moving forward. Thanks to this site; it is a saviour to all of us victims. Reading our common stories and learning about the disease, ultimately gives us power, strength and understanding we are not alone! Blessings to you all.

Kataroux, I look back to my experience with a sociopath, six years ago now. I would like to tell you that you are going through a life lesson, dont fail it. It wont be easy and it wont be quick. So much of your focus is on him now, soon it will become more about you and less about him. Personally I needed my
‘life lesson’ it changed who I am and I will never ever be so needy ever again. And I would also like to say you will stop hurting and you will recover and you will be a stronger person because of this.
And go have yourself a good screamin snot slobberin cry, it a good thing..

Kataroux, Your feelings are real and it takes courage to be open about your experience. Allow yourself time to heal and grieve. You cannot control others’ most egregious violations of human boundaries!!! Your healing and self forgiveness is for you and your loved ones. Know your goal is peace, love, joy!!! Rooting for you! From a survivor. Thank you Donna for this site and mission!

Kataroux,

One of the wonderful parts of Lovefraud is the knowledge that we have all experienced, to varying degrees, the abuse of the Spath. We form a collective of experiences, pain and personal growth for you to grab on to when you need it.

Donna has provided a safe haven for us.

You are in the very, very early stages of your incredible journey of growth. Everything you see, experience, feel, its all different, and in six months, and six months after that, it will too be different.

We are all here to help you. Look how much you’ve grown already! You are able to clearly and concisely and very poignantly speak your heart. Bravo! I couldn’t. It took me 3 years to even come to terms with what happened.

Keep moving forward, keep your eye on the target: You. You made a tremendous start.

Thank you Kataroux and Donna!
At the end of this month, I will mark one year since the beginning of my recovery. Of course a year ago I didn’t know I was being had by a sociopath. I didn’t fully understand what a sociopath is. I thought of Charles Manson, or serial killers, etc whenever I heard the word. Now after almost a year of therapy, antidepressants, this website, and the friends and family that stuck with me and were there for me, I am happy to say that I am doing much better! Not 100%, but I’m on the right path. I would have to say my biggest hurdle is the forgiveness part. Still feeling a lot of hatred. The word “scumbag” comes to mind a lot when I think about him. I guess that process is not completed, but I think I’m moving in that direction. It’s just going to take some more time..,how much time I don’t know. But I’m staying on my path with a lot more awareness. Thanks again!
Much love xo

Hello Donna ~! I am doing well, so are the wieners…lol… LF has just been on my mind alot lately and I thought I would pop my head in and see if any oldtimers were lurking about.
I see new names, but the same stories.
I am not here to give advice. But my life lesson with a sociopath changed who I am, it’s a lesson I so wanted to get over and forget, well I did get over it but I will never forget.
I am still forever thankful to you Donna and all the ‘names’ of the peeps that shared my journey from pain to peace.

Thank you Donna! The biggest hurdle is the forgiving and letting it go. It’s a continuing topic in therapy. I guess also self-esteem. I find it’s so hard to talk to guys for fear of being judged, because that’s what the spath did

Hens! Great to see you. I’m still around occasionally, and I even wrote an article here. So glad to hear you and the weiners are doing well. Don’t be a stranger. I’d love to hear more about your life and what you are up to.

Toknowimok: Forgiveness has never been an easy thing for me. I’ve had so much betrayal. It took me 48 years to forgive my mother. And I’m finding things to forgive others for on a daily basis. I never found any magic formula to help me forgive. I just know how good it feels to be on the other side of resentment. And how crappy it felt to hold onto the resentment. And to know I have the power to let go of it. I’ve also been inspired by stories I’ve heard of forgiveness. I remember reading about a woman who was angry and depressed her whole life. She ended up in the healing community of Findhorn – I think that is in Scotland. There, she experienced a great healing when she was able to forgive a man who had raped her many years prior. It was a miraculous event in her life. I always look to these stories for inspiration. The other thing I do is see the story through the eyes of the other person. Even if they are sick, selfish, or whatever the case may be, often whatever they are doing is not really personal – they are just trying to fill some need of their own in their own tragic way. Seeing the world through someone else’s eyes can really expedite the forgiveness process – just seeing all their pain and darkness they must be experiencing in order to hurt others the way they do.

Thank you stargazer! In time I’ll get there. If I can forgive my father for a childhood of verbal and physical abuse, I cab forgive just about anyone. In time

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