The Lovefraud reader “Kataroux” has been struggling with the profound betrayal she endured at the hands of a charming young sociopath who turned out to be nothing more than a parasite. She told her entire story in the post from September 25, 2013, entitled How I was duped by a young sociopath and believed all his lies until now!
On October 4, Kataroux posted the following comment on Lovefraud:
As I sit here tonight I find myself wondering how I ever let something like this happen to me and yet I know the answer. I just buried my husband and wanted to feel loved again and Spath jumped in with promises of a wonderful future and I bent over backwards to give him just that. Notice I said to “give him just that” because I never bent over backwards for myself. I allowed him to dictate my life and control me without even knowing it. I allowed him to cause so many complications that I sent my youngest son to live with his father (I will always regret that decision) because I wanted Spath to be “happy.” All the money I spent and borrowed (and still owe) because of this man makes my hate for him so strong that I can barely stand it at times.
There are two things I cannot seem to do:
1. Grieve — Every time I am sad and want to cry I force it back and refuse to shed another tear over that man. Yet, sometimes I know if I just cry and scream I will feel better but I can’t seem to dig deep enough to allow myself to do that. I have always had trouble dealing with grief and I know if I don’t deal with it I am going to drive myself crazy.
2. Forgive myself — How can I forgive myself when I allowed this to happen? How can I forgive myself when I should have known better? How can I forgive myself for giving up so much for a man I only thought loved me? Forgiving myself is a hard one because I am so dang mad. I am so mad at him it physically causes me pain and I am mad at myself because I am so mad at him that it causes me pain ”¦ make sense?
I am trying to move forward I just don’t know what forward is. I mean I am dieting and working out but I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t feel like the strong person everyone says I am. I don’t “feel” anything but hate! Even though I NEVER want to see that man again and looking at a picture of him makes me want to vomit, I will never not hate him for making my life a lie and for faking to love me. I will hate him forever for that and that knowledge eats me up because I have always been a kind, trusting person and now I am suspicious of every man.
Spath has been out of my house since September 1, the last time I physically saw him was on the 15th and I have had zero contact with him since the morning of the 25th. I guess it is a good thing that he is so convinced that I am the “crazy ex-girlfriend” and so busy trying to “fool his new victim” that he does not even try to contact me. According to him everything is my fault and, you know, sometimes I believe it.
Response from Donna Andersen
Dear Kataroux,
I know exactly how you feel as does everyone at Lovefraud. This is one of the most painful aspects of realizing that our partner is a sociopath: We have to acknowledge that we participated in our own betrayal. But keep in mind that you, like all of us, were deceived. You were looking for love and companionship. He said he was looking for love and companionship. In reality, he wanted a place to live and someone to support him.
This man targeted you when you were vulnerable. Your husband had just died. This man saw your grief as an opportunity. Under the guise of “being there for you,” the creep moved in on you. His behavior was despicable.
You have every reason to be angry. You have every reason to hate him. In fact, when anger and hatred are so overwhelming, they morph into numbness. That’s where you are right now; you are numb. And that’s why you can’t grieve and can’t forgive yourself. You are so filled with rage at his horrendous betrayal that you are numb.
And that’s okay for now.
Keep in mind that this is all very fresh and raw for you. You last had contact with the man on September 25, and you posted your comment on October 4. So it’s only been nine days since your last had contact!
Remember, every time you have contact, it’s like reopening a fresh wound. That’s why it’s critical for you to maintain No Contact. This is what enables you to heal, and you’ve only just begun.
The recovery journey
Recovery is a process. In fact, I found one of the best step-by-step recovery procedures in a book called The Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Dr. Karin Huffer.
In her practice as a therapist, Dr. Huffer found that many people who had been betrayed by a sociopath were further betrayed by the legal system when they sought justice. This book provides eight steps to recovery from legal abuse, but the steps work for recovering from sociopathic abuse as well. You can read a description of the steps here:
A guidebook for recovering from the devastation of a sociopath
The point is, recovery takes time, and you are in the very early stages of the process. Your wounds are deep. Your pain has been accumulating over years. There is the pain of the sociopath. There is the pain of your husband before the sociopath, who was addicted to drugs. And there may be an earlier pain that made you vulnerable to both of those men.
Maintain no contact. Eventually the numbness will start to thaw, and then you’ll feel the grief. You’ll process the anger and the hatred.
The sociopath deserves to be hated. Unfortunately, there is a problem with hatred it doesn’t affect him, but it eats you from the inside out. So at some point, when you are ready, it would be best to let go of the hatred.
And that will be the forgiveness. We’ve had many discussions of forgiveness here at Lovefraud. Forgiveness does not mean you pretend that the betrayal didn’t happen. It doesn’t mean that you allow the predator back into your life.
Forgiveness means that you accept what happened and you let it go. Forgiveness is not for him; it’s for you. Forgiveness means he no longer consumes your thoughts, and his actions no longer matter to you.
You’re just beginning this journey, and it will be a bumpy. You’ll probably discover many things about others, and yourself, that you didn’t know. But I promise you, if you keep going, and allow yourself to recover, eventually you will find peace.
Katareaux, keep strong and you will get through this as the rest of us have. I encourage you to read/learn as much as you can about the disorder as knowledge powers healing. I highly recommend this editorial piece http://www.nytimes.com/2013/10/06/opinion/sunday/great-betrayals.html?emc=eta1&_r=0 from Sunday’s NY Times.
This is very good article. Thank you for the link. It makes so much sense and explains why it so easy for the liar and cheater just to go on. Because they already knew what they were doing. No surprise there. On the other hand the victim was betrayed, lied to, cheated on and then discarded. That is an enormous surprise and shock for the betrayed person. I too, was in a state of shock when I exposed his lies and cheating. Not once in 20 years would I thought he was capable of inflicting such pain on his family. But now I do feel stronger every day, not bitter, not angry, not hateful anymore. But the disappointment is still there and hopefully one day I will find someone who truly appreciates me. It will be a long time until I am ready for this. It has been 8 months and I am still recovering and healing. Until I can forgive myself for letting him go this to me I am not ready for a new relationship. And that’s the scars and open wounds they leave us with. I know though that he is in misery and agony because he lost control over his victims, my son and I. I hope his new victim will see the truth in him faster than I did.
This article has me reflecting on the many steps of healing it has taken me to get to where I am now. Not to say that I don’t backslide here and there. I certainly do. But I am at the cusp of letting all of that hatred go. That battle doesn’t have my name on it anymore. I have learned to lay it down and walk away. It took me many, many years to get here. Am I still hurt? Yes, I am. But I’ve learned to acknowledge the hurt and remind myself that what happened happened and I am laying it down. I repeat it to myself all the time. I can’t change others’ opinions about me, I can’t change the mistakes I’ve made, and I can’t continue with the “what ifs”. It is done and my life is different because of it. But I so embrace the growth from this journey. Hatred is O.K. to feel at first, but don’t hang onto it. But don’t beat yourself up for feeling it. It will eventually turn to indifference. And that is a wonderful thing.
Blessing to you.
Exactly, you are so right. I stopped thinking about the entire thing. No more “what if’s?” It’s over and done with and I will make a better life for my son and I. My soon to be ex husband won’t be a part of it and I accepted this fact. Katareaux , for you it is still early and things will improve. 8 months ago I never thought I would be emotionally where I am now. It is like a “Death” in the family and it takes time. Thank you to everyone for all your great encouragement. My next goal is to get through this divorce and that will be my final closure to this chapter of my life. The best thing that came out of all this is my precious 18 year old son. I know he will be a much better friend, husband, person, co worker and Dad, than his father ever was. Raising him I made sure he would be the opposite of his father and I accomplished that goal.
This article meant a lot to me and I so appreciate Donna’s understanding and excellent counsel. I was married to what I eventually realised was a psychopath for 23 years and when we divorced, I was so devastated, I felt it was the end of my life. But the fact that I still had 3 young, abused but much loved sons who deserved a parent, kept me going. After all, they hadn’t asked to be born and I was the only one left to raise them as best I could. Fortunately, this and having to work 2 jobs just to put food on the table, kept me very physically busy. But 23 years of being propagandized made me realise that first, I had to regain my original self. So with each thing I did, I first asked myself, “Is this what YOU really want to do and think?” It began with questioning every tv. program I watched; was this what I wanted or what I had been programmed to watch? Gradually I regained my former self and with it came freedom, self-assurance and independence. Even what seemed insurmountable, I discoverd I could do with perseverance.
I raised 5 wonderful children and they were widely loved and educated. My youngest is even a pediatric endocrinologist! They were my pride and joy; we seemingly had met many hurdles together. However, this is not the end of the tale. In their mid-twenties, psychotic symptoms began to appear and the children and I became more and more alienated. End result? I am now devastated again by having to go NC with all of my family. 5 years ago I became disabled, the result of 2 botched spinal surgewries which severed some nerves to my spine. 4 years ago, in a fit of rage over his brother’s impending divorce, he told me that if I remained friendly with that son’s ex and her precious little girl, all the children would have me committed! This worried me no end so I called my attorney. He just laughed at the thought (threat) and upon his and 2 leading psychology experts advice, I am NC with all of them. It has been a mother’s worst nightmare to lose all her children, yet I’m still here.
As Donna says, victims can get over their abusive relationships but it takes NC, time and moving forward. Thanks to this site; it is a saviour to all of us victims. Reading our common stories and learning about the disease, ultimately gives us power, strength and understanding we are not alone! Blessings to you all.
Kataroux, I look back to my experience with a sociopath, six years ago now. I would like to tell you that you are going through a life lesson, dont fail it. It wont be easy and it wont be quick. So much of your focus is on him now, soon it will become more about you and less about him. Personally I needed my
‘life lesson’ it changed who I am and I will never ever be so needy ever again. And I would also like to say you will stop hurting and you will recover and you will be a stronger person because of this.
And go have yourself a good screamin snot slobberin cry, it a good thing..
Hens! so nice to see you! I hope you’re well.
Kataroux, Your feelings are real and it takes courage to be open about your experience. Allow yourself time to heal and grieve. You cannot control others’ most egregious violations of human boundaries!!! Your healing and self forgiveness is for you and your loved ones. Know your goal is peace, love, joy!!! Rooting for you! From a survivor. Thank you Donna for this site and mission!
Kataroux,
One of the wonderful parts of Lovefraud is the knowledge that we have all experienced, to varying degrees, the abuse of the Spath. We form a collective of experiences, pain and personal growth for you to grab on to when you need it.
Donna has provided a safe haven for us.
You are in the very, very early stages of your incredible journey of growth. Everything you see, experience, feel, its all different, and in six months, and six months after that, it will too be different.
We are all here to help you. Look how much you’ve grown already! You are able to clearly and concisely and very poignantly speak your heart. Bravo! I couldn’t. It took me 3 years to even come to terms with what happened.
Keep moving forward, keep your eye on the target: You. You made a tremendous start.
Thank you Kataroux and Donna!
At the end of this month, I will mark one year since the beginning of my recovery. Of course a year ago I didn’t know I was being had by a sociopath. I didn’t fully understand what a sociopath is. I thought of Charles Manson, or serial killers, etc whenever I heard the word. Now after almost a year of therapy, antidepressants, this website, and the friends and family that stuck with me and were there for me, I am happy to say that I am doing much better! Not 100%, but I’m on the right path. I would have to say my biggest hurdle is the forgiveness part. Still feeling a lot of hatred. The word “scumbag” comes to mind a lot when I think about him. I guess that process is not completed, but I think I’m moving in that direction. It’s just going to take some more time..,how much time I don’t know. But I’m staying on my path with a lot more awareness. Thanks again!
Much love xo
Congratulations! I’m so glad that Lovefraud has helped you!
Hello Donna ~! I am doing well, so are the wieners…lol… LF has just been on my mind alot lately and I thought I would pop my head in and see if any oldtimers were lurking about.
I see new names, but the same stories.
I am not here to give advice. But my life lesson with a sociopath changed who I am, it’s a lesson I so wanted to get over and forget, well I did get over it but I will never forget.
I am still forever thankful to you Donna and all the ‘names’ of the peeps that shared my journey from pain to peace.
Thank you Donna! The biggest hurdle is the forgiving and letting it go. It’s a continuing topic in therapy. I guess also self-esteem. I find it’s so hard to talk to guys for fear of being judged, because that’s what the spath did