Lovefraud’s friend Ann at WomenExplode.com recently posted an interview with a 49-year-old man who had never been married. The man engaged in serious impression management. But, since Ann had known him for 10 years, she knew when his words were BS—and pointed them out in her story. It’s hysterical.
Read Interview with a never-married 49-year-old man on WomenExplode.com.
Wow Dupey, excellent link. Thanks.
That is exactly how I discarded my spath. I read and read and read and learned about what makes them tick.
Once I knew what he was, he became more and more disgusting to have contact with. Even the amusement of getting money out of him only lasted for a couple of weeks – and that was despite being desperately in NEED of money. Money is a powerful motivator but I’d rather shovel shit for a living than listen to his drivel.
Like I said, it was amusing to finally know where his buttons were and finally turn the tables on him, but it was just too repulsive at the same time. Like dissecting a frog. Sure, some people might have the stomach for it, but my spath was the most disgusting thing I’d ever encountered and I wanted out.
I don’t always assume when people ask personal questions, they are just being nosey. Sometimes they are just being caring. I know I ask personal questions to my friends and co-workers all the time. So I like the idea of a polite response when I don’t want to answer the question. Sometimes I want to share a little but not a lot, so I’ll just say, “That’s a rather sore subject right now.” Or “I’d like to tell you but now isn’t a good time.”
But if someone asks a question that seems really out of bounds or is totally random, I will say to them, “That’s an interesting question. What made you ask it?” or “Wow, that question was random!” They may say, “I was just curious.” So I will say (in a very lighthearted tone) “I know but we were talking about (fill in topic). How did we get from that topic to this?” I have used that from time to time to deflect a question that feels too personal for me or to slow down a conversation that was all over the place.
But I love the “Maybe I will tell you sometime.” The “sometime” could be interpreted as “when we are better friends”, “when I trust you more”, “when I am less tired”, or “when I’m in the mood to talk about it.” You’re not even telling WHY you don’t want to talk about it, because maybe you don’t want them to know that either. It’s a really really polite way to say, “none of your business.”
Star, with friends or closer people, of course be TACTFUL (sometimes TACT=telling someone to go to hell and make them HAPPY to be on their way! LOL) but other times people ARE just being NOSEY and it is “nunna their bees wax” and I don’t have a problem telling them so.
Your suggestions though for a TACTFUL way to tell someone you don’t wish to talk about it are good. Having a “set phrase” in mind when someone asks something sort of “out of the blue” that you don’t want to answer is a good way to be prepared in advance so you don’t stumble over what to reply.
Sometimes though, people ask questions that NO one with any couth would ask or ask questions that only a CLOSE friend would ask and I don’t have a problem putting them on the SPOT!
Oxy, I’m trying to remember the last time someone asked me an inappropriate personal question. I’ve had exes call me out of the blue who hated my cats and say, “So, do you still have your cats?” My answer is “Why do you care?” or “Why, who wants to know?” These are my favorite answers if you’re not going the tactful route.
Star, yea, I don’t have any problem with NOT answering a rude question when the person is being openly snarky…”exes calling me out of the blue who hated my cats” though sounds to me like a BIG RED FLAG, “calling out of the blue”—they are just checking to see if you might be a booty call I think…which is like that guy I dated a time or two that wanted to fly my airplane without any insurance and kept on insisting he “wouldn’t wreck it” and so I wouldn’t go out with him….then a few months go by and he turns up at my door–“just in the neighborhood” and turns out he CASUALLY mentions he got married and how tough it was to adjust to being married….didn’t even tell me her name. LOL I thought “I wouldn’t sleep with you when you were single, so what makes you think I’ll sleep with you NOW?” Sure reinforced my assessment that anyone who would have the balls to want to fly my plane without a current license or any insurance isn’t reliable enough to DATE. LOL I can’t believe that someone would want to drive my CAR without any license or insurance, much less my plane. LOL Who ever he married sure didn’t get much of a bargain!
Oxy, you are spot on, as usual 🙂 ! That is exactly what I experienced years ago (first spath, a very well known one in the whole country, by the way for his rudeness and spathiness, it is a small world). My sister and mother had dragged me to a lawyer who took a lot of money from me and wrote a letter, but that kept the spath NOT from giving bad references ON THE PHONE. Another former boss informed me about all these outrageous things (he simply could not believe them as he heard them). My sister still believes in the legal system which may be fine with lawyers but does not apply to others (LOL). She can threaten another lawyer of smearing her, and it works, she even reprimands state’s attorneys who dare to smirk while she is having her plea in front of the court, and it works! In my experience doctors and teachers “know it all better” and you don’t threaten them with them bearing the consequences of their doings. Not completely grown-ups, most of them.
The good thing is that the president of the national oncologist’s society is also on this course, and I can inform him at some point about my “fate” first hand (but I am not sure about that yet as he gave my other “partner” the advice to do the highly unfair thing so I did not embark with that one in private practice last year)
My calm and peace are priceless, and as it is not a CLEAR legal breach, I am fine with it. My sister always says to her clients when they want “justice”: If it is principles and not a clear breach, it will be EXPENSIVE. I feel more uncomfortable with the idea of the letter than with the idea of let go.
Star, you are right. It is sometimes difficult to distinguish “care” from “nosey”, isn’t it? Your suggestions for tactfulness are very appropriate. As I am not rude at all, rudeness would create even more curiosity as I would seem to defend the facts which seem to be VERY interesting to know. The thing is to stop the one who asks and “talk down” the subject, without offending or stirring up too much curiosity. Thanks a lot!
I used to have a woman living NEXT DOOR who was always telling me she was much too busy too see me and get together for going out for a drink or having a cup of coffee together but would always be wanting to phone me once a week for short chats where she asked me lots of questions such as – where did you go this week? did you see your lover this week? how many times did he come around? did you have sex? how is it going with him? etc. I thought hey. hang o. W e are not friends, and these are personal questions. She repeatedly made it clear she had no time or interest in actually spending time with me so
So I would say listen Mary. I am sorry if your life is boring and mine is more interesting. But I only give details of my private life to close friends. Ringing me is not the equivalent of the latest episode of one of the soaps on tv. where yo ufind out all the juicy bits and go until the next time.
Of yes and if an ex or someone who hasnt bothered to ring me for ages rings and wants to know all my business and who I have seen and where have I been…. my answer is
“this and that”. And they say “oh, that is not really telling me anything” and I say “yes, too true. You can tell me all about where you have been and who you have been seeing. I am all ears”.
My favorite way out is what either Dear Abby or Ann Landers called- the old ‘Jewish Mother’ response. As Oxy said, turn it back around as a question to them.
Why do you ask?
No need to be snippy or have an attitude, you would just like to know why they are asking. Look at them blanky and blink a few times. If they push the envelope-
Is this really any of your business?
Why do you need to know?
Again show little to no emotion. They may be looking for a response or reaction. Deflate their sails by not giving them one. Instead they will most likely be squirming, trying to get themselves out of the spotlight or tight situation they put themselves in.
An article I read once about saying “No” said to just say the word. You are never under any obligation to give a reason for anything further.
Why is it so damned hard to do???? We don’t want to hurt anybodys feelings so we come up with excuses when we really don’t need to.
No, I can’t _____.
-do this
-be there
-make it
-afford it….
If somebody presses for more information-
I just simply can’t.
-or-
I have other _______.
-matters to attend to
-bills to pay
-appointments….
That is all the ‘reason’ they need.
My extended family is waaaay beyond nosy! They have yet to learn I will answer their questions without going into detail. I answer them, but if I give them anything further- They RUN with it.
They also try their damndest to bait me into fights. They try to intentionally piss me off, just to get me to blow up and spew information in an outburst. Armed by knowing this, I know not to give in.
It’s almost funny actually, watching them try to break the shell and find a prize or something. If they can’t find a way in, they go back, regroup, whispering among themselves and try again. It’s a sick game when you think about it, but the quickest way to end a game is simply not to play.
HI.. this is Ann from WomenExplode.com…
This man wanted to be on my site.. I didn’t force him.. he wanted me to feature his book.. this man is http://www.theinspirationalwriter.com
and he is a con.. he stole many ideas from me..
He is a Narcissist and a pathological liar..
I have known him for 10 years.. at arm’s length oberving.. after a very short romance 10 years ago, ( he was younger and thinner then) when I saw clearly what a weak, lying con that he is… he was like a person you just kind of hang out with then there is nothing better to do.. then I realized that he isn’t some dumb guy that doesn’t have a clue .. he is a manipulating, thief and con…
I have asked him to do a video and talk about male/female issues, writing, or whatever and he is now ignoring me.. he knows, I know who he really is.. THere are so many liars on the internet.. hiding behind a front.. if you notice in the photo on his site… he covers his mouth and hides the lower part of his face…
He is out to con women ..
I thought his answers to the questions hysterical.. as Donna did.. he is trying so hard to create what he thinks is the ‘politcally correct’ image that he doesn’t know who he is..
He is looking to marry wealth…that is his main objective.. he wants a woman who is financially and emotionally independent so he need not give, offer or share anything.. including himself…