What do you call someone you’ve been describing alternately as a narcissist and sociopath? Someone for whom neither diagnosis alone quite suffices as a complete description of the individual, but rather in whom both disorders seem as if wrapped up in one menacing individual?
Pardoning my grandiosity for daring to expand the already crowded psychiatric nomeclature, I propose to call these hybrid personalities“narcissiopaths.”
While I don’t expect the DSM folks to take me very seriously (or anyone else for that matter), I’m thinking (unfacetiously) that there’s a case to be made here.
The narcissiopath, as I envision him (using “him” for convenience’s sake) will meet many of the essential criteria for both narcissistic and sociopathic personality. The closest extant clinical description of this disordered individual that comes to mind is the confusing term “maligant narcissist.”
Now personally, I find the term “malignant narcissist” wanting: for instance, precisely at what point does a narcissist turn “malignant?” And doesn’t this imply the concept of non-malignant narcissists who, by definition, must be “benign?” (I’m not so sure their partners would attest to their harmlessness?)
My concept, the narcissiopath, suggests very directly the personality fusion of narcissism and sociopathy in this particular personality. The narcissiopath is the individual who effectively conflates narcissism and sociopathy.
Let me briefly review these separate personalities—the narcissist and sociopath—in their more classical presentations. The narcissist is fundamentally a recognition-craver, a reassurance-craver, a convenience-craver, and an inordinate craver and demander of attention, catering and special status. He is in many respects insatiably needy emotionally.
At root, the narcissist is an overly entitled personality. He feels entitled to be accomodated on a pretty much continual basis. This begs the question, on what basis does he accord himself this right—to expect, that is, the continual accomodation of his needs and desires? The answer is, on the basis of his sense of himself as “special,” and his expectation that others—indeed, the world—will also recognize him as special.
Psychologically, a compensatory process often occurs with the narcissist. His “sensed” and “imposed” specialness is often a compensation for underlying and threatening self-vulnerability; and compensation for doubts about his power, worth and attractiveness—doubts that he is too immature to face squarely and maturely.
Although exploitation is not typically the narcissist’s primary motive, we recognize his capacity to be manipulative, cruel, deceptive and abusive; yet his darker machinations are usually secondary to his demanding, and sometimes desperate, pursuit of others’ attention and cooperation.
The narcissist is imfamously inept at managing his disappointment. He feels that he should never be disappointed, that others owe him protection from disappointment. When disappointed, he will find someone to blame, and will quickly de-idealize and devalue his disappointer.
Devaluing his disappointer now enables him to abuse her or him with more righteous indignation and less guilt.
For the sociopath, this is all much easier. Unlike the narcissist, he doesn’t have to perform mental gymnastics to subdue his guilt in order to exploit others with an unburdened conscience. The sociopath has no guilt to manage.
But the sociopath’s dead conscience isn’t per se what makes him sociopathic. Many people have weak consciences who aren’t sociopaths. It is his dead conscience in conjunction with his orientation to exploit that gets to the heart (really, heartlessness) of the sociopath.
The sociopath is variously a manipulator, liar, deceiver and violator of others; and he is these things less to regulate his unstable self-esteem than, more often than not, to enjoy himself, amuse himself, entertain himself, and take what he feels like taking in a way he finds optimally satisfying.
The sociopath, as I have discussed previously, is an audacious exploiter. His lack of shame supports his imperturbability, which enhances the experience of his audacity. The sociopath leaves one shaking one’s head at his nerve, his gall. One imagines that to venture the deception and outrages the sociopath pursues with his famous, blithe composure, he must possess a chilling callousness and coldness beneath what may otherwise be his veneer of “normality.” One imagines correctly.
Now sometimes we find ourselves dealing, as I’ve suggested, with individuals who seem, at once, to be both narcissist and sociopath, as if straddling, or embodying both disorders.
These are the individuals I’m proposing to call narcissiopaths.
For a good celebrity example of this, consider O.J. Simpson. Simpson, as his story evolved, was someone you found yourself confusingly calling a narcissistic personality disorder (probably correctly) in one conversation, and in the very next, a sociopath (probably correctly).
You found yourself vacillating between the two diagnoses because he seemed to fulfill important criteria of both. There was O.J. the narcissist: publicly charming, charismatic, disarmingly engaging and seductively likeable while privately, behind closed doors, he was tyrannizing Nicole Brown whenever he felt his “omnipotent control” threatened.
Simpson came to epitomize the indulged athlete: catered to all his life for his special athletic gifts, somewhere along the line he came to believe, with ultimately violent conviction, in his right to control and be heeded, not defied.
Simpson was all about “looking good,” about public show; in Nicole Brown he’d found a woman—a “trophy wife—”who could “reflect well” on him publicly, and on his “greatness.” She was also, tragically, the “perfect” choice to engage his narcissistic compulsion to alternately idealize, and then devalue, her; that is, to idealize the perfect, and then devalue the perfectly dirty, sex object.
In other words, in choosing her, Simpson chose well for his narcissism.
In the end, Simpson was as charming, ingratiating, and as shallow and superficial as so many narcissists (and all sociopaths) are.
But he was more than that. He was also callous, and brutally violent. He descended upon Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman like the knife-wielding devil he was, nearly carving Brown’s head off and massacring Goldman.
And then”¦he lied.
He maintained his innocence with outrageous brazenness, determined to win the next stage of yet another game. And where was the remorse? There was none; just his arrogant, insulting contempt.
Simpson had executed a miraculous performance. He had escaped from double-murder and the incontrovertible evidence of his guilt as improbably, as impossibly, as he’d so often escaped (brilliantly) opposing defenses and game-plans geared to stop him.
Finally, although I’d say that Simpson probably tilts, on balance, more to a narcissistic personality structure than not, he also possesses many of the most dangerous and essential diagnostic features of the sociopath. He seems, in other words, to be not entirely one or the other, but both narcissist and sociopath all in one.
I intend to flesh out the concept of the narcissiopath in future posts. And I look forward, as always, to your feedback.
(This article is copyrighted © 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Tilly,
Your wait gain or puffiness in the face is I think stress-related. I have put on a tremendous amount of weight in the MIDDLE of my body, in other words I changed into a beach ball with legs shape—yes, folks! ROUND IS A SHAPE!!! LOL
Studies have proven that stress hormones change the WHERE we put on fat, as well as the tendency to eat more and exercise less is also a stress related thing.
I also take effexor but never had the weight problem until the horrible stress. I have been on effexor SMALL Dose for years because I tended to have seasonal affect disorder (SAD) i.e. be depressed in the winter months–probably some tendency to be depressed at least to a small degree 12 months. During the worst of the PTSD I act5ually lost 25-45 pounds because I forgot to eat….the bottom line is that STRESS screws with our minds and bodies and appetites and how the body uses food, produces fat….it does a NUMBER ON US.
Since I have decreased the stress level (not eliminated it for sure) I am healthier and do actuall FEEL the differences when the stress level goes up—say if I get ANGRY I can feel the effects of the stress and fight or flight hormones in my body. So I do try to keep my emotions in check (not “push them” down but talk to myself and control lthem) I actually talk to myself like you would a frightened child to calm it.
As far as the “Looking haggard”—BOY, HAVE I AGED IN THE FACE. I now look like my grandmother! Lots more wrinkles than before all this. Two years ago I “looked so bad” that my doctor that discovered the tick fever was convinced I had CANCER—cause I had that “LOOK” that cancer patients have sometimes, gray, unhealthy, wrinkled, etc. just “sick”—he was totally shocked I came up clean and no cancer thougth I was checked “stem to stern” COMPLETELY and only the tick fever showed up—that and the effects of STRESS. I turned into an OLD WOMAN over a short period of time.
I’m not sure why I thought somehow I would be IMMUNE to the effects of stress, but I think because I “knew” about it I wouldn’t have that EFFECT–WRONG-O!!!!! If anything, I had MORE effects of the stress than I even thoght were POSSIBLE.
I am, in retrospect, AMAZED that I did not die from the effects of the stress ALONE.
This is why it is so important to get that stress level down as much as possible, I think, by staying away from TOXIC people as much as possible.
This semester, Tilly, may NOT be the time for you to “be strong” and suck it up with the P-teacher, I think, after this recent episode of you being paranoid, you might be smart to put this class off another semester, even if it delays your finishing your course….I have had to make those decisions and I have DELAYED stressful events, that I knew would be stressful, until I had more strength….and more low stress time to heal. There is some inconvenience sometimes, but over all and on the whole, if you are feeling the effects of high stress from the past, you should I think, decrease stress until you are recovered some before you take on a known stressful situation.
Sorry about the uncomfortable dreams, I have them once in a while now, and actually had one last night– and the egg donor and uncle monster were in it—I think they are our subconscious trying to bring up some things we need to process…I just kind of look at the possible symbols in the dreams, or any repeat “themes” in them to see if there might be somethign I need to work on…sometimes I see it, and do it, sometimes there is no “message” to me that I can figure out.
Dear GeminiGirl,
I was writing the above post to Tilly when you were writing as well…I have missed you.
It is natural and normal for a loving person to care about their offspring. I used to worry so much about the other inmates abusing or beating up my little P-darling while he is in prison. I was so concerned for his safety! Now I do not give his “safety” another thought. It has taken years for me to come to the I DO NOT CARE ANYMORE mind set. You have just started to SEE what your daughter is. You could not even be expected to “instantly” not care any more. Your X-son-in-law, has obviously reached that stage and I am GLAD FOR HIM that he has.
All any of us can do is to stay away from them so they cannot injure us more now, and go on with our lives. My suggestion is that when you find yourself “worrying” over no one taking care of her (BTW it is HER RESPONSIBLITY TO BEHAVE LIKE A REASONABLE ADULT AND TO TAKE CARE OF HERSELF. if she choose not to, then the “natural” consequences are hers to endure) tell yourself, “She is an adult, she knows how to behave well, and choses not to. The consequences of this choice are hers” maybe that will help you stop the worrying, and then distract yourself with some other thoughts.
I do know it hurts you, it hurt me, but I have accepted it as something I CANNOT CHANGE. Doing that has freed me from the worry. GLAD YOU ARE BACK!!! (((hugs))))
Dearest Oxy,
Thank you! I guess this is an ongoing process, and hopefully Ill one day reach the “Nirvana of indifference!” It does hurt, but when it does, I should remind myself of her sickeining and heartless abuses of me, and save my own life! Its so hard to accept that the child you gave birth to is really not normal in what we think of as normal, ie, having some vestige of a conscience, feelings for other people,remorse,empathy, etc. I still do worry about her and what will become of her, but I should save my worry for myself and my husband. I dont miss her,{whats to miss?} -Im so lucky that God has given me this lovely Iranian young couple who are so sweet, loving, and appreciative of D. and I.
Its nice to be home! I do appreciate you Oxy, and all you great guys on lovefraud. Hugs, geminigirlXXThanks again.
Dear Gemigirl,
I’m glad that you have “family” that are not necessarily blood, but are “a family of love”—blood does NOT make a family as you and I both know so well.
I’m not sure if you ever saw the movie “Rosemary’s Baby” an old horror film where a woman is chosen to give birth to Satan’s child. Sometimes I feel like “Rosemary”—-only I didn’t know it at BIRTH of course, but much later after I had become attached to that sweet little child—but he became Satan in the flesh at puberty! When I first came on here to LF the other posters were mainly women who had had bad romantic relationships, but the type of poster has turned over several times and now there are quite a few older women such as you and I who have been “Rosemary” and had to deal with our offspring being our abusers, as well as other people who have had bosses, neighbors, church members, etc.
Abuse from a lover when you are younger is painful indeed, but to find out after 10, 20, 30, or even 40+ years of “marriage” then ALSO find out that some or all of your offpsring are also abusers is devestating in terms of energy available to rebuild your life and finances as an older woman.
I also see problems for the young women in rebuilding their lives, and in many cases wishing, hoping and needing to remarry or reform romantic relationships–getting into another P relationship, which of course we have seen several of them here (and older women too) who have been in more than one P relationship.
There are advantages in being older, as well as bigger challenges, and vice versa with being younger. The demographics of LF have changed (and I think that is GREAT!) because we older women of the “village” or “community” can be here for the younger women. I’ve been unfortunate to be involved in just about every aspect of P relationships, parental, offspring, romantic, business, etc. so can relate to just about any situation with dealing with a P, and you have as well, so I firmly believe that though we may not ourselves be “fully healed” (is there such a thing? as “fully healed”?) our accumulated life wisdom is important, so stay here my dear Geminigirl, and help others, and by helping others, you will strengthen youself! (((Hugs)))))
Oxy:
I am experienceing a newfound “RAGE” toward my daughter. It just started during the last week. I have these immense guilty feelings because it is so sick to feel murderous to your own child. I have never felt this before in my life. i have felt sadness and loss and guilt and huge devastation. I have felt “very angery. But I have NEVER felt this ENORMOUS vengeful RAGE! I would never DO anything and I am not tempted to. Still my mind has begun to conjur up these hateful emails that i want to send her. (I know I wont, because i am ashamed at the same time), but it is starting to take over my thoughts.
I have heard (from my son) that she is going back overseas (to new countries she hasn’t been to like Canada and USA!), in 3 weeks. She owes me so much money. I think this is what started it. But maybe not. It feels like it has burst from “nowhere”.
P.S.
I have felt this kind of rage to the intimate psychopath partners who have assaulted me and to my parents when they beat me. But I have never felt it towards any of my own children or anyone who hasn’t been violent to me.
Oxy:
Thankyou for the explanation of the weight. My P parents, especially my father always makes derogatory marks about my weight and always have. His last one, before i went NC, was “you look 5 months pregnant” and I do!
So that explains it perfectly. I am eating the same amount but doing no exercise at all (time management and stress).
I agree with you about the class. She is up to the “I love you all/ I’m just like you”) stage. But since i am involved in the wpp thing it is all too much. I will have to in it properly when they move in on him. But we can’t do that yet.
Anyway, life is a good distraction from it all.
Dear Tilly,
This “rage from no where” is really from SOME where, as I am sure you concur with me. You are starting to FEEL your feelings that I think you have suppressed or covered up with guilty feelings about your daughter. I too felt this RAGE, against my egg donor last of all, true HATE, true VENGEFUL feelings of wanting to hurt her the way she has HURT ME, the way she has abused me in the name of “family bonds” when in fact, it was malice on her part to punish me and bring me back into line with the “family script” EVEN IF IT COST ME MY LIFE! DUH!?!?!?!
I used to lie awake nights and think of horrible things to do to the people who had used me, how to embarass them or punish them eithe rphysically or emotionally. It ATE at me to feel these HORRIBLE THOUGHTS, and yet, now I no longer feel guilty about having these thoughts (I did at the time feel guilty about them) and I NEVER would have carried them out, but even knowing that didn’t make me quit WANTING this horrible revenge against them. I wasn’t aware that I could even conceive of those things though I knew I would never do them. It was SCARY really to feel that angry. (especially when I felt the way I did/do a bout my murderous P sperm donor and my P-offspring.)
Anyway, I started to pray that my feelings of anger would diminish and that I could just turn it over to God to handle (“Vengence is mine sayeth the Lord.) and I actually started to pray FOR the Ps. “(“Pray for those that persecute you.”) I did NOT MEAN one single word of those prayers, and I had to write them down and just read them, but funny thing was, after a while, my heart began to soften and I gave up the feelings of rage against them and turned them over to God to deal with which the Bible promises He will do.
It wasn’t about “forgiving” them (getting the Bitterness out of my own heart) for them, it was about HELPING MYSELF NOT BE SO BITTER AND HATEFUL AND RAGEFILLED. Believe me, as I am sure you do, being filled with RAGE AND HATE is not a way I want to live forever.
In redefining my own spirituality and my own relationship with the LOVING GOD that I now have a realtionship with, rather than the Psychopathic “GOD” my egg donor has a relationship with (she built her “god” out of her own feelings of anger, rage and retrobution, I think) and I have now come to know a LOVING creator of the universe. BIG difference, and I am no longer filled with rage.
I know everyone has a different “take” on spirituality but I do know that in my opinion whatever your spirituality or “belief system” it must be a part of your healing process, and like Dr. Viktor Frankl who spent so many years in the Nazi camps and lost everything, we MUST SOME HOW FIND SPIRITUAL MEANING in all of this. If nothing else, find a lesson that we have learned from all this pain and loss so that we can have a better understanding and a closer relationship with ourselves and with those that we love and that love us.
There is so much wisdom in the sacred writings of most of the world’s religions/beliefs and philosophies that can help us to find “meaning” in all this chaos and pain. I think it is a necessary component in our healing process. Whatever the belief system or phisosophy, it helps us bear up through all this and find some kind of meaning.
I still have a long way to go to make all of this “learning” apply to my life because I am still learning and growing every day, but I will never give up, and will try to take care of ME FIRST and know that is NOT selfish or bad, because if I am destitute of self, I cannot reach out and share with others who are also in pain. But I also know that if I give myself away to abuse, I WILL BE DESTITUTE OF SELF. I don’t ever want to be that way again.
(((((Tilly))))) and always my prayers.
Oxy,
Thankyou so much for your heartfelt post. I agree with everything you have said and found the same anger and rage with all of the ps in my life, however, I have always felt “OK” about this anger because it was justified in my mind and in my heart. I knew I had to work through it with God or it would kill me literally.
However I have always been up on my podium in regards to child abuse. I have never stood for it and have had nothing but disdain for parents who abuse their children. I always identified with the child, because I was so badly abused myself.
That is why i have so much shame around hating my daughter right now and wanting to send her hateful emails.
There was a time when I would have lectured someone else on what a terrible person they were to think such a thing of their own child. I would have said to them, “Even if they are an adult, you must help them because they have no-one else in the world, you have to set an example and show them that you love them no matter what.” That was before i believed that psychopaths can be born genetically. And that there is nothing you can do (yet) to stop that, or change that (yet).
That is why i am so glad you said it about your P- offspring. I know all of us MUST feel it if we are honest, about our other abusers in the world. But for me it is taboo to feel this way about my child. But there it is, paradoxically, that is what i feel about her.
She was in a humidicrib for 3 months when she was born. She was born at 24 +weeks . Which back then was unheard of. It was before invitro and all that stuff. She was 825 grams at birth. When I took her home she weighed EXACTLY five pounds. I had prayed non-stop for that day to come, I expressed milk for the three months and sat by her crib day and night. I thanked God everyday that she wasn’t one of the other babies that they often took out of the intensive care unit with a blanket over their head (dead).
And now I wish she was dead.
P.S.
The reason she was premature was because my ex psychopath husband beat me up (as usual).