What do you call someone you’ve been describing alternately as a narcissist and sociopath? Someone for whom neither diagnosis alone quite suffices as a complete description of the individual, but rather in whom both disorders seem as if wrapped up in one menacing individual?
Pardoning my grandiosity for daring to expand the already crowded psychiatric nomeclature, I propose to call these hybrid personalities“narcissiopaths.”
While I don’t expect the DSM folks to take me very seriously (or anyone else for that matter), I’m thinking (unfacetiously) that there’s a case to be made here.
The narcissiopath, as I envision him (using “him” for convenience’s sake) will meet many of the essential criteria for both narcissistic and sociopathic personality. The closest extant clinical description of this disordered individual that comes to mind is the confusing term “maligant narcissist.”
Now personally, I find the term “malignant narcissist” wanting: for instance, precisely at what point does a narcissist turn “malignant?” And doesn’t this imply the concept of non-malignant narcissists who, by definition, must be “benign?” (I’m not so sure their partners would attest to their harmlessness?)
My concept, the narcissiopath, suggests very directly the personality fusion of narcissism and sociopathy in this particular personality. The narcissiopath is the individual who effectively conflates narcissism and sociopathy.
Let me briefly review these separate personalities—the narcissist and sociopath—in their more classical presentations. The narcissist is fundamentally a recognition-craver, a reassurance-craver, a convenience-craver, and an inordinate craver and demander of attention, catering and special status. He is in many respects insatiably needy emotionally.
At root, the narcissist is an overly entitled personality. He feels entitled to be accomodated on a pretty much continual basis. This begs the question, on what basis does he accord himself this right—to expect, that is, the continual accomodation of his needs and desires? The answer is, on the basis of his sense of himself as “special,” and his expectation that others—indeed, the world—will also recognize him as special.
Psychologically, a compensatory process often occurs with the narcissist. His “sensed” and “imposed” specialness is often a compensation for underlying and threatening self-vulnerability; and compensation for doubts about his power, worth and attractiveness—doubts that he is too immature to face squarely and maturely.
Although exploitation is not typically the narcissist’s primary motive, we recognize his capacity to be manipulative, cruel, deceptive and abusive; yet his darker machinations are usually secondary to his demanding, and sometimes desperate, pursuit of others’ attention and cooperation.
The narcissist is imfamously inept at managing his disappointment. He feels that he should never be disappointed, that others owe him protection from disappointment. When disappointed, he will find someone to blame, and will quickly de-idealize and devalue his disappointer.
Devaluing his disappointer now enables him to abuse her or him with more righteous indignation and less guilt.
For the sociopath, this is all much easier. Unlike the narcissist, he doesn’t have to perform mental gymnastics to subdue his guilt in order to exploit others with an unburdened conscience. The sociopath has no guilt to manage.
But the sociopath’s dead conscience isn’t per se what makes him sociopathic. Many people have weak consciences who aren’t sociopaths. It is his dead conscience in conjunction with his orientation to exploit that gets to the heart (really, heartlessness) of the sociopath.
The sociopath is variously a manipulator, liar, deceiver and violator of others; and he is these things less to regulate his unstable self-esteem than, more often than not, to enjoy himself, amuse himself, entertain himself, and take what he feels like taking in a way he finds optimally satisfying.
The sociopath, as I have discussed previously, is an audacious exploiter. His lack of shame supports his imperturbability, which enhances the experience of his audacity. The sociopath leaves one shaking one’s head at his nerve, his gall. One imagines that to venture the deception and outrages the sociopath pursues with his famous, blithe composure, he must possess a chilling callousness and coldness beneath what may otherwise be his veneer of “normality.” One imagines correctly.
Now sometimes we find ourselves dealing, as I’ve suggested, with individuals who seem, at once, to be both narcissist and sociopath, as if straddling, or embodying both disorders.
These are the individuals I’m proposing to call narcissiopaths.
For a good celebrity example of this, consider O.J. Simpson. Simpson, as his story evolved, was someone you found yourself confusingly calling a narcissistic personality disorder (probably correctly) in one conversation, and in the very next, a sociopath (probably correctly).
You found yourself vacillating between the two diagnoses because he seemed to fulfill important criteria of both. There was O.J. the narcissist: publicly charming, charismatic, disarmingly engaging and seductively likeable while privately, behind closed doors, he was tyrannizing Nicole Brown whenever he felt his “omnipotent control” threatened.
Simpson came to epitomize the indulged athlete: catered to all his life for his special athletic gifts, somewhere along the line he came to believe, with ultimately violent conviction, in his right to control and be heeded, not defied.
Simpson was all about “looking good,” about public show; in Nicole Brown he’d found a woman—a “trophy wife—”who could “reflect well” on him publicly, and on his “greatness.” She was also, tragically, the “perfect” choice to engage his narcissistic compulsion to alternately idealize, and then devalue, her; that is, to idealize the perfect, and then devalue the perfectly dirty, sex object.
In other words, in choosing her, Simpson chose well for his narcissism.
In the end, Simpson was as charming, ingratiating, and as shallow and superficial as so many narcissists (and all sociopaths) are.
But he was more than that. He was also callous, and brutally violent. He descended upon Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman like the knife-wielding devil he was, nearly carving Brown’s head off and massacring Goldman.
And then”¦he lied.
He maintained his innocence with outrageous brazenness, determined to win the next stage of yet another game. And where was the remorse? There was none; just his arrogant, insulting contempt.
Simpson had executed a miraculous performance. He had escaped from double-murder and the incontrovertible evidence of his guilt as improbably, as impossibly, as he’d so often escaped (brilliantly) opposing defenses and game-plans geared to stop him.
Finally, although I’d say that Simpson probably tilts, on balance, more to a narcissistic personality structure than not, he also possesses many of the most dangerous and essential diagnostic features of the sociopath. He seems, in other words, to be not entirely one or the other, but both narcissist and sociopath all in one.
I intend to flesh out the concept of the narcissiopath in future posts. And I look forward, as always, to your feedback.
(This article is copyrighted © 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Hi Peeps……
I just had a very enlightening conversation with a wise friend.
I wanted to share it with you.
She is aware of my situation and knew the ex S.
She asked me if I had my house painted. I told her I hadn’t, that the S had it done 2 years ago…..I laughed at the notion, since we had the kitchen demolished and at a standstill for 8 months, yet he was having the exterior painted!!!!! I said ….how crazy was that….we didn’t have a kitchen, but we had a new paint job (of which didn’t need to be done, easily could have waited a year or two)…..OH NO….he insisted and Brought the painters over. Even the painters thought it was kinda weird when they entered the house and saw the demolished kitchen with not even a subfloor!
Anyways…my friend made a point that the ‘shell’ must appear in order…and of course he would have the outside taken care of…..no one could see the inside. That didn’t offer him ‘kudos’ or a stroke up……he wanted folks to see him working in HIS yard with HIS fresh paint and give him a thumbs up.
What I did, no one appreciated……especially not him! No one knew what the interior looked like, UNLESS they came inside…..and he certainly kept people at bay and OUTSIDE!
As I ponder this thought….it proved to be absolutely correct in her observaton.
I advanced my own thoughts………I wonder if this is another ‘tool’ to observe, in our suspicians in looking at S’s or cluter B’s.
I started recalling all the ‘suspected’ S’s in my life and the ‘apperances’ they portray…..whether it be the car, exterior of the homes, dress and appearances, ‘titles’ etc….
They all fit this description.
I think back about what the ex S had said when we purchased our last home several years ago…..it is located on a corner lot, at the entrance of a subdivision…..high profile positioning indeed……he said to me….Okay, I will be in charge of the outside, you take care of the inside. I was ameable to this, as gardening wasn’t my thing…..and it sounded 50/50, a rare opportunity for me.
He was always so enthralled when he would get people commenting on ‘his’ yard…..I would go out to offer my help, so we may be able to spend some time together, I was told to pick weeds, then ‘fired’ for now doing it the ‘right way’…..and he always told me to go away and belittled me. He wanted complete control of the outside. He would always come in the house and say “oh, so and so stopped by and said I have the nicest yard in the city”…..it was always about the ‘best’….
Now that this house is ALL MINE……I look at how I maintain it…..I maintain the inside and outside, do what I can out there….but never look at cars driving by and flag them down for ‘input’…..The yard still looks the same to me.
The garage is cleaner, got rid of all his shit, the mess he stored and filled up the house with, his pack ratting tendencies…but, no one saw the garage and all his shit inside! No one he gave a damn about impressing…..
My friend pointed out that ofcourse he would have the exterior ‘freshened’ up, it made him look good to the passer byes…it didn’t matter what condition of the interior was, no one saw this as they drove by….they only imagined it was as pristine as the exterior……..
THIS IS THE STORY OF HIS LIFE!!!!
Then……I also looked at my tenent in my rental house, I am having troule with him…..and it also applied…..the first thing he said was he wanted to paint the exterior and he planted flowers and shrubs….all at his expense….he ‘duded’ up the porch with leave it to beaver rocking chairs and made a nice appearance, he also BTW….drives a 2009 BMW something or anohter……BUT….he hasn’t paid me rent since he moved in!!!!!
HE also will NOT let me inside to view the condition of my property…….hmmmmmmm, why is this????? BECAUSE HE’S ALL A FACADE~! An act, a portrayal…….Familiar traits indeed!!!!
HE was greatly disturbed by the fact I had the Police post eviction notices on his door…….he emailed me TELLING me, he didn’t want the neighbors thinking anything odd and demanded for me to remove all notices, as he was out of town…….Oh yeah, okay….why, because YOU think your in control?????? NOT!!!!!
I follow the law….and your COOKED! Na, Na , NA….GOOOOODDDD BYYYYYE!
I will expose your ‘flowery and freshly painted’ exterior to everyone! BUG YOU……then MOVE!
I go to court tomorrow for eviction…..he is playing games, not coming back to the house, and I know he will say at some point he wasn’t served…..in my state this is legal service. He is not allowing me access to my property for inspection, (against the law)…so I will just let the judge know what is going on!
I will Take my DOCUMENTATION that I learned from the first S and expose him! I’m keeping my ‘inner Sociopath’ close for this one! Honing up my learned skills. Fighting fire with fire! Going EB on him!!!
I would be interested in knowing if any of the LF community can relate to the home exterior portrayal? I know about the ’empty suits’ but, how about the home?
I have my suspicions, if we collet our thoughts, we all lived in ‘beautiful’ exteriors huh?
This may be something I add to my list, when I have a gut feeling…..I want to know how the exterior of that persons home ‘appears’. Easy enough to do a ‘driveby’ and check it out.
See how they live on the ‘outside’….
Of course, not everyone with pretty flowers and well manicured homes are Cluster B’s……..But…..this could be used as another unofficial tool as an alert or confirmation of suspected behaviors.
Maybe when/if I date again, I will look for a mate living like Sanford and sons!!!
Any thoughts on this idea???
hi erin
can we relate to the hoe exterior story?
well not in the same sense. yours may use a shiny outside to get his supply of compliments, but these horrible men come ins so many disguises!!!!
so yes and no.
yes: mine always wanted people to see and hear about his ‘ things’, when there was anything cool he had ( he loved little possessions, on whichever level he liked). he was rarely if ever interested in anybody else’s, unless he could use the knwowledge of itto his advantage or something like that.
no: my ex was an artist ( unfortunately one that is becoming a bit succesful, not because what he does is good at all, but he knows how to manipulate people like no other), so they have different ways of seeming interesting. he did love to use his faith and spiritual path to wow others. he never respected people who were amazed by him, he needed it than got bored and needed something. i was never amazed by him in ways others were, its why i guess i was interesting to him for quite long. however i became very critical of his work and behavior and he got very angry about this, telling me he didnt need my opinion and that we werent getting along because of MY controlling behavior. thats ridiculous but it worked: i became insecure and started to be confused. that bored him and things spiralled down from there. it was HORRIBLE. i just woke up from yet another night of pain feeling back how I was betrayed ( he cheated on me in an HORRENDOUS manner also, to top all of his manipulation). it hurts so darned much….
but yes: its alllll about the exterior, why? cause its allllll about getting an audience and new input allll the time…
liked your story, gee, why did we ever fall for them eh?
MariaLisa:
Never got a chance to welcome you….I have been incognito for a bit, but still lurking…..life happening. SO WELCOME!
Yes….one thing I have learned, is we must feel the pain, go through it, embrace it……we process through our dreams also, so keep a journal of them. They are very telling! It’s amazing to go back and read about them later down the road.
I, like others will offer you this….it does get better….WE evolve, we learn, we grow……BUT….it takes time. Embrace the tears, embrace the pain, we have a natural tendancy to ‘run’ from pain…….I’m telling ya….it’ll find ya every time!!!!
Know that life is teaching you something, if you don’t get it, it will hand you the same lesson at a different time!
Like my tenent……I had to step up/out of myself and catch it….see what life is teaching me through these lessons.
YES THEY SUCK! BUT they are also a gift.
I like ‘who’ I have become…..who I have grown into.
I don’t know how far you have read back….and if you know my (like everyones) convoluted story……but we all have one, mine is no more important/different than anyone elses…….we just need to learn and grow. This is when life changes, opportunity’s exist, love awaits, job’s appear, families unite, friends come together…….Things fall into place.
Really, it does get better.
I can relate to your ‘boredom’ statement……for sure!
Funny enough…..since it’s all about ME
Hi Erin,
Thanks for teh welcome, nice to ‘meet’ you!
I love how you say the lessonw ill come back until you get it. That is a good motivation to let it soak through! And its true!
I just came brack from my psychologist and we have definitely figured out I have a pattern for falling for emotionally unreachable men, cause thats what I was used to growing up. Only my psychopathic ex wasnt unreachable emotionally, there wasnt anything to reach for!! I didnt knew it existed but reading this blog for a while made me see SO many similarities and patterns its insane and clarifying at the same time. The extent to which they are inhumane is really why we are all on this blog. The extent!!! Its so hurtful and damaging. I have lost people, know physical pain etc but the emotional pain and craziness someone can put you through is something I am still not sure about how it is possible.
Thank you for sharing your message of hope and realness ( relation to facing the pain). I get really excited about that, i wonder whether only the real smart women are on this site, so much wisdom!!
All of us are BRILLIANT……we are survivors, we are real and we are going after what we want our lives to become!
Yes, we all landed here searching for answers…….and we are finding them through connection with others in our similar postions.
It’s great that your in therapy…..it’s great that your figuring out about yourself….your contribution to your ‘downfalls’……It’s so important, such a great step for healing and health!
Keep opening up……keep moving forward…….don’t beat yourself up……it’s a process……steer your life int he direction you wish it to go and ‘destiny’ will offer help too.
Yes, none of em have emotions…..they have portrayals! We belive in them and they take us for it…..same story, different partner…..it’s the way it works with them!
BUT…..your doing great…….it takes time girl!
I haven’t commented for a while now…..the ongoing fight for my freedom…..
Loved the comments above…..
ErinBrockovich: Yes survivors and real….I wrote a poem this morning….not mourning….or am I?
Poem:
Emptiness now surrounds me
The vastness can’t compare
No surprises, no words, and yet, no fear
Can it be so, this space, this void was always here?
and all this time when I thought you close
You where never really here?
Emptiness now embraces me
It seems to wrap me in it’s shroud
Perhaps to let me know it’s safe
It’s okay to cry out loud
But preference begets me
I save my precious tears
And wonder where I was this time
A stranger, a wanderer, in a world of a heartless soul
And somehow, I am free and I am real
Rising up from this hollow hole
Emptiness extends her hand, I plunge
Escaping from a prison of fears…….
I think what I was looking for was a really deep connection ( dont know if i was maybe looking for something impossible, or maybe it was not a connection but self love i dont know, this is truly an area i have not figured out) and those psychopaths and certainly my ex was very good at penetrating my soul. it wasnt a connection however…Now I have to redefine what i wanted/needed SO bad, that I would let myself be abused for it….
?
Vision…..WOW…..beautiful and heartfelt poetry!!!! What a way to heal. I admire your courage to place it on paper. That was just beautiful, something we can all connect with.
Mourning….well of course…..it’s part of the deal.
It’s just wonderful the last line…..
Escaping from a prison of fears…….THAT IS FREEDOM!!!!!!
THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH FOR SHARING THAT!!!!!
MariaLisa: It all comes in time…..one day, like a ‘math problem’ in elementary school…..it’s all the ‘ah ha’ moments that we can take……..funny enough, with allowing the healing and thinking in the manner you are…..some of the ‘answers’ will come in your dreams…….You are aware, you are present, you will find your way, you will have a life you desire!!! Keep faith!
We all are redefining what it is in US that brought us to this place we are at today! You sound like your on a really good path of healing….stick with it and keep your faith!!!!
ErinBrokovich,
regarding yor post on the exterior of the house….I totally get it, BUT when you said “Maybe when/if I date again, I will look for a mate living like Sanford and sons!!!”…the hair in the back of my neck whent up because that described my ex S to a tee!
When I first went out to his house…..which is out in the woods…..His house was a disaster on the outside, but clean, tidy and organized on the enside! nothing like his personality…..I took pitty on him and decided what he needed was a good woman …one like me with a background in architecture and landscape design to help him clean up his place….and boy did I! only to be used and abused, be cheated on when he brought other women out there to show off “his handy work” and kicked to the curb when it was all done!
this man, is one of the most stelthy of narcciopaths I have ever heard or encountered, differs from others because he does have money, plenty of it…but is cheap to the bone and will use it in reverse to manipulate, extort and get his needs met. A different kind of animal from what others here have experienced here.
So beware of the “sanford and son” apperances!
Oh Yikes……theory demolished!
Thanks for the feedback.
I guess there is just no clear cut way to recognize them huh?
Just keep awareness and on the lookout for red flags…..and DO NOT IGNORE THEM!!!!!! (ther red flags of course)
Yeah, mine was cheap too…..had money, lot’s more than I ever imagined, hid over a mil from me…..in cash!!!!! Never was he a nice gift giver, more of a re-gifter…..used crap! would always bitch about going anywhere, wouldn’t travel with us, just a cheap soab! It’s makes me laugh to think he’s in an affluant community now…..dating…..oh, how expensive it will be to take ‘care’ of anohter woman that would meet his standards!!!!
the thought cracks me up!!!!!!