Unfortunately clinicians and researchers often tend to interact with a specific segment of our society and to develop their own ways of describing the problems of the people they work with. For example, there are professionals who work with clients who have “personality disorders”, there are professionals who work with criminals in the justice system and there are professionals who work with perpetrators of domestic abuse/violence.
Each of these three groups of professionals has their own lingo for describing very similar people with very similar patterns of behavior. Each group also has a different “theoretical orientation” or view of the problems of humanity.
Because those who work with family abusers often lack experience with sociopaths in other settings they do not know that family abusers are sociopaths.
Where does that leave you, a victim or family member of a disordered, abusive individual?
To spare you the task of sorting through these three distinct ways of looking at the person who created havoc in your life, with the help of The Abusive Personality, I will present here more on the work of Dr. Dutton a psychologist who understand the personality profile of abusers.
First of all, I can say with confidence that individuals who abuse and victimize lovers, friends and family members are personality disordered. As Dr. Dutton points out on page 8 of The Abusive Personality, “Because IPV (intimate partner violence) occurs in a minority of relationships it cannot be explained by social norms. In fact, normative acceptance of IPV is low in North American populations. .. When people act in a chronically dysfunctional manner that violates the norms of their culture, their behavior is attributable to a personality disorder.”
Dr. Dutton makes a compelling argument that the “abusive personality” stems from what is known as borderline personality organization. According to psychoanalyst Otto Kernberg, adult and adolescent patients with antisocial personality possess an underlying borderline personality organization. Attachment theorists also suggests an association between borderline personality disorder and antisocial behavior or even antisocial personality disorder. Dr. Dutton acknowledges that many perpetrators are violent and antisocial outside the family and many appear to completely lack empathy and remorse. All chronic perpetrators have an extreme inability to empathize with their victims and seem to only express remorse as a means of maintaining the relationship. These emotional deficits are considered to be diagnostic of sociopathy.
According to Dr. Dutton, both male and female abusers experience cyclical changes in personality that relate to abuse perpetration. These cycles, have interfered with understanding the personality of abusers. The cycles happen because abusers experience a great deal of negative emotion and they blame this negative emotion on those closest to them. After they “blow off steam” by abusing loved ones, they experience a temporary relief from these negative emotions. During the time they “feel better” they may seem like model spouses and parents.
In my opinion, there are four other characteristics of men and women who perpetrate partner/family abuse that have interfered with our understanding that these abusers are psychopathic and are truly sociopaths. These are:
1. The degree to which they cling to those whom they abuse.
2. Their high level of anxiety and other negative emotions.
3. Lack of abuse of strangers and non-family members.
4. Lack of criminal arrest for other offenses.
I want to address each of these characteristics by asking then answering the related questions people have asked me over the years.
Question #1 Does the fact that my ______________ keeps calling and doesn’t want to lose me mean that deep down he/she really loves me?
Answer#1 NO! Although sociopaths are not capable of love they are very social and most often want to count themselves in as part of a family, extended family and friendship network. If they are alone how will they be able to do what they do best which is abuse and control people? Also if they are alone, how can they use people to get the other things they want. Especially as sociopaths get older and their ability to charm others declines they tend to want to stick with those they have taken advantage of in the past.
Question #2 My poor _________ is just depressed/anxious/angry about being mistreated and abused as a child. Won’t my love and reassurance help him/her get over it?
Answer #2 NO! If your______ has a long standing pattern of abusing you and/or other family members it means something very important so listen. It means he or she equates abuse with being in a relationship, just like you equate love and caring with being in a relationship. Since that is true, your love will only make the person more abusive.
Question#3 My ___________ only abuses me and no one else so it must be my fault. Right?
Answer #3 NO! Your __________ would abuse others if he/she thought he/she could get away with it and will abuse anyone else he/she feels close ties with. An intimate relationship brings out abusive behavior in people who have a borderline personality organization.
Question#4 My _____________ has never been arrested can he/she still be a sociopath?
Answer #4 YES! Antisocial behavior is behavior that hurts other people. When this hurtful behavior is perpetrated by someone who lacks empathy or remorse it reflects psychopathy/sociopathy.
In summary, I recommend that all mental health professionals who work with the victims and family members of sociopaths read Dr. Dutton’s book The Abusive Personality. I also recommend another of Dr. Dutton’s books, The Batterer a Psychological Profile for victims of domestic violence. Order it through Amazon today with these links:
The Abusive Personality
The Batterer a Psychological Profile
Does anyone want me to try to explain what “borderline personality organization” is?
Is there anyone who still has trouble accepting that partner abusers are sociopaths?
skylar –
Great definitions.
Yes they (words) do give the power to explain … instead of “well, they’re like, …um, sometimes it’s worse, then…” you can just say “sociopath”. But first you have to know what the word means!
Is their a glossary here?
Oxy said: “there probably isn’t a one of us here who has not done something that taken in ISOLATION would sound like we might have the traits……It is very difficult for anyone to “diagnose” themselves with any mental disorder or illness………..quit worrying about the diagnosis which was “hung” on you by someone else who might have been mistaken—…….AND AT TIMES HOW CRAZY I ACTED! LOL”
Exactly. And also a good reason for US not to PUBLICLY (in real life) hang the label on others unless there is pretty extreme concrete ONGOING behavior (across the board in the life of the person in question), and not do it without serious thought of the consequences to the other person. Yes, I know many or even most of the things posted here sound pretty clear cut as far as there being some sort of a serious disorder involved. But, on the other hand, I have been reading here for a coupla years now and sometimes some people do come on board and their story and complaints does come across like the typical marriage/ relationship gone bad (everything was basically great with just general problems like everybody else) THEN he cheated and done me wrong so he HAS to be a sociopath!!! And they are running around telling everybody the dude was a sociopath and that label is a very serious one.
I have seen more than one case over the past year (in real life) where people have filed TPO’s against their soon to be ex, based on NO physical violence or any threats or anything of real substance, but just more because they were being vindictive (didn’t want the ex around or wanted to try to prevent them from seeing the kids so they alleged “fear”) and because they were simply pissed off the man left them for another woman. If a person is looking for a job a TPO that is in effect will likely PREVENT them from being hired PERIOD regardless of their credentials, if it is a job requiring a background check. Some of our behavior and actions can have SERIOUS consequences for another person, so although I am definitely in favor of TPO’s when warranted, that is NOT something to take lightly in obtaining against another party.
Yes, children of REAL sociopaths are better off without involvement with that parent. But what about the parents who think their spouse is FINE for parentlhood up until the day he/she dumps them, then SUDDENLY that person wants the parent to have NO CONTACT with the kid. It DOES happen. I have seen a case lately that has had tragic consequences due to a vindictive ex-wife. (and the children WANTED to see their Father but told others they were AFRAID to call him because it made their mother so mad).
I’m just saying, be RESPONSIBLE in your own actions, then perhaps Judges would not be so hesitatnt to see our side of it when dealing with actual socios if they did not see so much of this other non responsible side of it too. How are they to really know who is telling the truth and who is being responsible and who is not? I think that is why they take more of a middle of the road approach.
I know this is not gonna be a popular post, but I used to also be a person (fresh out of the relationship) who saw a socio or psychopath behind every bush, in every behavior of others that seemed a bit amiss. I’m just saying, look at Oxy’s post above. Would WE want others to not consider other possibilities for our “odd” behavior and automatically assume and tell others WE are sociopaths? I realized I was beginning to recover when I gradually began stopping automatically assuming all behavior (men cheating on their wives, or the occasional lie, or someone acting out in some other manner etc.) was due to sociopathy and psychopathy and started considering maybe some other stressor or mental health condition (that just might be treatable) could be involved, or maybe no mental health condition at all, but just relationships that weren;t working out.
Again, I think some behavior is so devious and manipulative and evil it would be hard NOT to think sociopath or psychopath. But some is not but falls more in the realm of ordinary people who occasionally do crappy things. I just hope people who have been involved with a socio or psycho and go thru the “s or n behind every bush phase”–and I went thru it too–do go on to regain their compassion for others and their ability to consider other possibilities and to cut others some slack sometimes (like we want to be cut slack due to our ptsd), and that they do not remain hardnosed and bitter and unable to give an inch on any issue due to “boundaries”–which sometimes results in them unable to give consideration to OTHERS feelings and boundaries. I personally know a person I just absolutely refuse to be around anymore (and plenty of others feel the same), because she uses her “respect my boundaries” mantra so much that people are afraid to sneeze around her lest they be bitched out for violating one of her boundaries. Ok, off my soap box now.
Jen2008,
I thought that your post was excellent and right on the money. I especially liked your next to last and last paragraph. Robert Hare and David Kosson wrote an article called “A Primer on Psychopathy” that you might like. It is at http://www.aftermath-surviving-psychopathy.org/resources1.php
Dear Jen,
Absolutely, the main thing about psychopaths is that their PATTERN of behavior over a LONGER PERIOD OF TIME is CONSISTENTLY manipulative and UNFEELING.
Another “problem” in some of these relationships where one or both cry “victim” is that BOTH those people are manipulative and psychopathic….alternately being victim and abuser. Or one is a psychopath and one just an ordinary “manipulator” but NOT psychopathic in what would “qualify” as psychopathic by most even “loose” defninitions.
Every one of us has things about us that we should be or are “ashamed” of that behavior, that we should have guilt about, that we should not do in the future…and whether or not we have or have had, or do feel that REMORSE, SHAME and/or GUILT defines whether we are psychopathic or not.
I totally agree that we should not go about our lives pointing fingers and saying “Suzie or John are psychopaths!” when we have observed their behavior. I think we SHOULD say at least within our own minds, “Suzie or John’s behavior is deceptive/unkind/dishonest/illegal/not wise/dangerous/risky ” etc or whatever label applies in that case.
Suzie or John may or may not be a psychopath, but their BEHAVIOR is not something we would want to (A) do (B) have done to us or (C) something that would make us want to trust them.
When we (or anyone) engages in behavior that is not honest, we should not be suprised if that behavior doesn’t have untoward consequences. Sometimes very serious consequences to ourselves and also consequences to others.
For example, if we drive drunk we may wreck our car, go to jail, get in an accident and hurt ourselves, BUT in addition to the consequences to ourselves, there may be consequences to others. We may injure another person or kill them in an wreck, or lose our job and not be able to support our children, or because of this wreck our marriage and family splits apart.
Choosing to EVER drive drunk is an unwise choice for anyone. We all make various unwise choices from time to time, but a PATTERN of deliberate choices without regard to the consequences to others, without any sense of responsibility, without any remorse, or even enjoying the control exerted over others, tends, to me, at least, show that the person is at the very least untrustworthy, has poor impulse control, does not consider consequences to themselves and/or others in chosing behavior….and that is not a person I want in my life.
If you look at a 10-30 item list of TRAITS of behavior that show a PATTERN over a LONG PERIOD OF TIME, an ATTITUDE about that behavior, you SHOULD I think be able to decide for yourself if this person is an asset or a negative in YOUR life.
I have a great deal of empathy for “victims” of others’ bad behavior, I also have a great deal of empathy for “victims” of just plain “bad luck” that leaves someone injured or traumatized.
Working for several years with (mostly adolescents) who were brain or spinal cord injured, most of them in vehicle accidents showed me that even the most gravely injured (quads and poaras) after the initial period of total helplessness, still have to come to terms and accept responsibities for their own lives—my job was to teach them how to manage their condition and to help mostivate them to do so. Sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn’t work so well.
Some patients chose to become “chronic victims” and “chronically helpless” wanting others to take responsibility for them and their lives. They continually sought pity from others and made unwise choices.
Other patients in as bad or worse conditions, took responsibility for their lives and led successful and healthy and happy lives even within the constraints of a wheel chair.
Some patients with spinal cord injury focused on “it isn’t my fault” (and maybe it wasn’t) but the point was that, while it might not be their “fault” they were in a wheel chair, they WERE IN A WHEEL CHAIR and continually blaming it on someone else, focusing on what was unfairly DONE TO them, kept them from living as good a life as they could have lived.
We, I think, must also realize that while it is NOT “fair” that we were targeted by a psychopath, the damage the relationship did to us is real, it is in the past, and while we may have some financial deficits, emotional deficits, etc. as a result of that “unfair” assault, we still have to acknowledge the reality of it and move on with what we have left—or we risk becoming a “chronic victim” who is unable to move on.
I struggle with the who’s fault, am I playing a victim or not. I will admit I can be abusive in relationships I have been physically violent with my ex N. The difference for me is I have and do take responsibilty for my actions I do feel shame and remorse.
He has used the system against before had me arrested and had a protection order even though he knew I was no threat to him and he had given me a concusion, strangled me and threatened to kill me during said incident I went to jail for. They are very good at playing victim and working the system in their favor. He has threatened to take the kids away from me even though I know he does not want them. I have never tried to get him arrested or even thaught about keeping the kids from him.
I still struggle with my own demons and he used that against me at all opportunities. I have paid dearly for mhy mistakes and he refuses to this day to admit he did anything wrong, even says he would do it again. I think these traits distinguish the perpetual abuser and the person who has used bad decisions and out of control behaviours. The ability to take responsibilty for actions is crucial to weed out the narcissists and the sociopaths from other people.
Oxy, you are right as usual! Anger is really refusing to accept reality. If it is a reality you CAN change, then it can serve to motivate you to help make the world a better place. So anger that created MADD (Mothers against drunk driving) was productive.
But anger about realities you cannot change…(I’m so mad that this guy can’t feel empathy and that he emotionally raped me) (I should NOT be in this wheel chair, life is so unfair)….only hurts you.
Goes back to the serenity prayer. Knowing what you can change, having the courage to do so, and accepting what you can’t change, and having the courage to accept that.
I think I have mentioned before that I have a bladder “bag” due to a disease where I had to have my urinary bladder removed. I surely wish that had not happened. NONETHELESS, I can see some positives, even while I continue to deal with the negatives. Being able to “pee” standing up is great in an outhouse! Handy when skiing. I NEVER have to get up to “pee” during the night, and if I’m sick I can stay in bed around the clock if I want to. When it is cold, I have a nice warm spot on my belly…..the list goes on and on. Is it hard to deal with? Do I hate it? Yes, but I can still see the positives. That is when you know you have moved past the anger and humor helps!
Firefly,
Also keep in mind there is a difference between “fault” and responsibility. If I leave my house unlocked and the doors open while I am at work all day and get robbed it is not my “fault” that I got robbed it is the robbers fault (just like it is the abusers fault). However I can take “responsibility” for learning from the experience and trying to minimize the chances it will happen again (within reason) such as closing and locking my doors, etc.
If I have been abusive to someone and they have been abusive as well so it is a mutually violent relationship then I am at fault for my own abusive behaviors as well as responsible for learning from the experience to both avoid abusing others in the future and trying to minimize the chances that I will get into another relationship like that one.
One big difference is that chronic abusers often say that they feel sorry for what they do yet they keep doing it. If someone truly feels shame and remorse (or the typical I love you honestly) then they would change their behavior.
So I agree that the ability to take responsibilty is one thing but that can be faked. The true test is to both take responsibility and change the behavior.
BloggerT…the difference between responsibility (the ability to respond) and “fault” or blame was key to my healing.
Blogger, VERY well said!
JAH: Yep, right on! You must have been reading my mind, I started to use MADD as a positive outcome of anger! anger can motivate us to try to help others avoid what pain we have been through (such as MADD) and BTW I totally agree with them and as far as I am concerned DWI is as bad as first DEGREE MURDER! Ought to be hanged.
I thinkk of the many things “worng” in this world, the hungry and sick children, the abused children, the environment, the psychopaths in office in this country and others, drunk driving, drug addiction, crime, domestic violence, and so on and on and ON! I can’t fix them all, and if I dwell all the time on the unfairness and the pain caused by all of these things I will be HOPELESS, the task is way tooooooo big for any one person, or even any one-thousand persons, or one million persons, but what I try to do is to do what I can where I can. “Random acts of kindness” someone once called it. I’m not Mother Theresa or Eleanor Rosevelt or Bill and Milinda Gates. I’m not rich or famous, but all I can do is what one can do, and EACH ONE, added to the other “ones,” can make a world better.
I’m (finally!) trying to learn to set REASONABLE goals of accomplishing things—looking at what is do-able with the resources I have rather than just looking at a huge problem (like global warming) and realizing that I can “fix it” all by myself and feeling like even trying is futile—so I try to just do what I can do and accept that I can’t “fix the world.” LOL
I have a question to everyone.
My sociopathic ex used pity play on me to get me, in a subtle way, it seems blatant to me now, it wasnt at the time.
One of the things that made me rationalize or excuse a lot of his faults was that he told me was was abused when he was a child. He said his father was a drunk and beat him on a regular basis. However he had a lot of sisters who never got beaten and even stood up for their parents against my sweet little sociopath ( yeah the whole world was against him…SIGH).
Also in the beginning he sort of hinted that he was sexually abused but then later when I brought it up said that could have happened but it never did.
My question is: how many times do they use abuse in their youth as an excuse, WHEN IT MAY NOT EVEN HAVE HAPPENED, or they were so sociopathic as a child they were so hard to deal with for their parents.
As a sidenote: because I wanted to understand and know about his background so dearly, I actually tried to contact his sisters and told them a bit about what I went through…they never replied…