Unfortunately clinicians and researchers often tend to interact with a specific segment of our society and to develop their own ways of describing the problems of the people they work with. For example, there are professionals who work with clients who have “personality disorders”, there are professionals who work with criminals in the justice system and there are professionals who work with perpetrators of domestic abuse/violence.
Each of these three groups of professionals has their own lingo for describing very similar people with very similar patterns of behavior. Each group also has a different “theoretical orientation” or view of the problems of humanity.
Because those who work with family abusers often lack experience with sociopaths in other settings they do not know that family abusers are sociopaths.
Where does that leave you, a victim or family member of a disordered, abusive individual?
To spare you the task of sorting through these three distinct ways of looking at the person who created havoc in your life, with the help of The Abusive Personality, I will present here more on the work of Dr. Dutton a psychologist who understand the personality profile of abusers.
First of all, I can say with confidence that individuals who abuse and victimize lovers, friends and family members are personality disordered. As Dr. Dutton points out on page 8 of The Abusive Personality, “Because IPV (intimate partner violence) occurs in a minority of relationships it cannot be explained by social norms. In fact, normative acceptance of IPV is low in North American populations. .. When people act in a chronically dysfunctional manner that violates the norms of their culture, their behavior is attributable to a personality disorder.”
Dr. Dutton makes a compelling argument that the “abusive personality” stems from what is known as borderline personality organization. According to psychoanalyst Otto Kernberg, adult and adolescent patients with antisocial personality possess an underlying borderline personality organization. Attachment theorists also suggests an association between borderline personality disorder and antisocial behavior or even antisocial personality disorder. Dr. Dutton acknowledges that many perpetrators are violent and antisocial outside the family and many appear to completely lack empathy and remorse. All chronic perpetrators have an extreme inability to empathize with their victims and seem to only express remorse as a means of maintaining the relationship. These emotional deficits are considered to be diagnostic of sociopathy.
According to Dr. Dutton, both male and female abusers experience cyclical changes in personality that relate to abuse perpetration. These cycles, have interfered with understanding the personality of abusers. The cycles happen because abusers experience a great deal of negative emotion and they blame this negative emotion on those closest to them. After they “blow off steam” by abusing loved ones, they experience a temporary relief from these negative emotions. During the time they “feel better” they may seem like model spouses and parents.
In my opinion, there are four other characteristics of men and women who perpetrate partner/family abuse that have interfered with our understanding that these abusers are psychopathic and are truly sociopaths. These are:
1. The degree to which they cling to those whom they abuse.
2. Their high level of anxiety and other negative emotions.
3. Lack of abuse of strangers and non-family members.
4. Lack of criminal arrest for other offenses.
I want to address each of these characteristics by asking then answering the related questions people have asked me over the years.
Question #1 Does the fact that my ______________ keeps calling and doesn’t want to lose me mean that deep down he/she really loves me?
Answer#1 NO! Although sociopaths are not capable of love they are very social and most often want to count themselves in as part of a family, extended family and friendship network. If they are alone how will they be able to do what they do best which is abuse and control people? Also if they are alone, how can they use people to get the other things they want. Especially as sociopaths get older and their ability to charm others declines they tend to want to stick with those they have taken advantage of in the past.
Question #2 My poor _________ is just depressed/anxious/angry about being mistreated and abused as a child. Won’t my love and reassurance help him/her get over it?
Answer #2 NO! If your______ has a long standing pattern of abusing you and/or other family members it means something very important so listen. It means he or she equates abuse with being in a relationship, just like you equate love and caring with being in a relationship. Since that is true, your love will only make the person more abusive.
Question#3 My ___________ only abuses me and no one else so it must be my fault. Right?
Answer #3 NO! Your __________ would abuse others if he/she thought he/she could get away with it and will abuse anyone else he/she feels close ties with. An intimate relationship brings out abusive behavior in people who have a borderline personality organization.
Question#4 My _____________ has never been arrested can he/she still be a sociopath?
Answer #4 YES! Antisocial behavior is behavior that hurts other people. When this hurtful behavior is perpetrated by someone who lacks empathy or remorse it reflects psychopathy/sociopathy.
In summary, I recommend that all mental health professionals who work with the victims and family members of sociopaths read Dr. Dutton’s book The Abusive Personality. I also recommend another of Dr. Dutton’s books, The Batterer a Psychological Profile for victims of domestic violence. Order it through Amazon today with these links:
The Abusive Personality
The Batterer a Psychological Profile
Does anyone want me to try to explain what “borderline personality organization” is?
Is there anyone who still has trouble accepting that partner abusers are sociopaths?
Skylar (and Oxy)
Thats exactly how I felt too. His comments were so out there I didnt even feel like adressing em. that would insult my intellect is what i thought.
No redneck would survive in europe: the cars are too tiny here and too many vegetarians, plus no guns, and no tobacho chewing ( or am I watching too many movies!!!) WHAHAH im only joking ofcourse.
i love people in general, all kinds of people, and like you Skylar I enjoy describing people and hear what other people have to say too. no one here is downright racist, un-nuanced or anything like my ex was. i couldnt understand it then, I do now. When you categorically trash entire races or nations you just dont have a loving spirit OR humor. And it is not to be taken lightly. Its says something about that persons character. Unfortunately.
What’s the difference between a Redneck and a Psychopath?
A Redneck has a rifle and a truck and he’s proud of it…
A Psychopath steals a rifle from a truck and he’s proud of it…
what? that was never the question…
we were comparing the term hillbilly to redneck.
sociopathy is a disorder…
Hope everyone here in the states had a nice holiday weekend. I actually had some plans for today!
Some of my friends came from Chicago for a visit and my friends and I went to my oldest sons house for the day and he lives in a quaint small town right on the lake. The weather was perfect today so we had a very nice visit. And a nice relaxing day.
Tomorrow is the first day of school…..And my gut is already tied in knots as school brings on ALOT of stress at our house. Last year school was an absolute nightmare….And I am hoping for the best but also preparing for the worst.
I am considering contacting the truant officer ahead of time, to find out what the laws are about school BEFORE the problem arises!
My son has befriended over the summer a few girls that are older than him (18 years old) and graduated from high school last year. They are taking a few collage classes this year at local community collage and that means that my son will have friends that are not IN school at the “set time” of his normal high school friends. He has never had friends in his circle before that weren’t in school during the same hours he was….So I am anticipating this as a problem from what I have seen this past summer.
As unpredictable as my son can be at times I am getting better at occasionally being able to see the next thing that will occur without being blindsided all the time…..
I am not sure of this is a good thing or a bad thing but at least I find sometimes I am better prepared to deal with “whatever” it when I have to.
Marialisa, It was a joke…ya know…like what’s the difference between…blah blah blah….I guess my lame attempt at being funny 🙂
hummingbird,
LOL! that was a good joke, I liked it.
MariaLisa,
there is no way that you didn’t get that…
Dear evevrybody, its almost morning here, Ive been laying awake all night long. Sometimes crying, sometimes staring into blankness. Im appalled with the superficiality of the world. Its my ex’ influence ofcourse. I cannot come to terms with the fact that someone who has been so profound in describing his morals, in making me feel such a strong soul connections, to have proven himself to be such a phony and liar. It has shattered my belief in the world. Ofcourse. And ofcourse these are exactly the times you need to hold your faith tight ( Im not specifically meaning a God here, but anyone’s personal belief system), but Im struggling with it like never before. Especially just the topic of love. Looking at myself from a distance I feel like this girl needs to quit being so serious ( I didnt even get the joke above anymore, and I used to be a hoot) and have some fun like every girl my age. I feel like there is something so in my way. And it confuses me cause my therapist thinks that after a few months I should just move on. And my sociopathic ex, whom Ive befriended with, also. And she’s been through somewhat similar experiences. So it makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. BUt on the other hand I feel like I shouldnt be apologizing for being sensitive enough to care and to be shaken beyond belief about the betrayal on so many levels Ive been put through ( I stepped out the moment I found out the sickness). The trigger for all these raw emotions is my ex ex, she told me tonight she had a fling with someone who is married and who has 2 small children, one is a newborn. She hardly dared to tell me cause of all we had been through. I therefore was ofcourse zero judgemental, although I urged her to look at this realistically and think of keeping her sense of self worth. She thinks he might be unhappy in his marriage and might divorce. I know I know, I ofcourse think the same: thats utterly irrational and gives men like that a playing field I dread them have. My problem is also tht this man is highly respected in his community. It just gives such a blow each time to my sense of trust for people. Am I the only one that believes in making something special and dedicate oneself truly? I know this is a fast world, but how can all these people sleep at night and have fun and me IM lying here, uncapable of anything at this point. I sound pathetic but its how I feel right now. Im usually pretty tough, but the world seems to be the most superficial place right now and in order to live in it I feel I should give up everything I believe in and held so high until my sociopathic ex just took my belief system, became it and then raped it.
I would be so immensely grateful if someone could shed a light on this. Thank you sooo much. Hugs…
MariaLisa,
My dear sweet marialisa…You will notice how often I joke and haha, but it is to push aside the tears that I feel, like you, constantly, on the verge of shedding. Yes these S/P’s have taken something from us… an innocence…a trust…a belief in the general goodness of mankind. I am a woman of the Christian faith, and I will admit that, yes, even my faith has been shaken…not just by him ,but by the evil I seem to notice more and more around me like Oxy compared to the “poodles”.
I find myself sitting in church looking at a woman whose husband is no longer by her side, but instead living with his lover…the woman he left her and his family for….or the heartbroken parents who try to hold their heads up high without their son who was just arrested for possessing child pornography. I can’t help but look around and wonder…who else? who else in these pews is fooling everyone but God?
Part of my belief system tells me that it is no surprise we are in “end times” relatively speaking…and that Satan is working overtime…I guess what I previously thought to be those fulfilling biblical prophecy are actually psychopaths. Ironically, the Bible itself practically CONTAINS the S/P checklist and warns us to stay away from them!
I am trying to hang on to some basic beliefs here…that God KNOWS what he’s doing! …not only with me…but with his world…And, that GOD will judge accordingly…as much as I would like to run over my XP with my car or poke his eyes out with forks, I wouldn’t because I have a CONSCIENCE for one, and because I know that he will get what he deserves from God Himself. And, that GOODNESS will prevail in the end…it may seem like darkness is at every turn, but Evil is no match for God, Satan is no match for God.
I believe prayer is the greatest and most powerful weapon we have…it is our email to Heaven…our Godmail…it may not be answered the way we want, or when we want, but it will be answered in the best possible way. God will break our legs if that’s what it takes to get us on our knees…sometimes he allows things in our lives simply to bring us TO Him…to depend on Him.
We have all been hurt, devastated, and changed forever by the evil ones that brought us to LF…but we WILL learn from it…be better for it…and move on with our lives with faith that in the end Goodness always wins
I hope this helps encourage you….XXOO
Warm embrace to you Hummingbird…
XOXOXO
Hi MariaLisa,
I don’t sleep either. had the wierdest, most colorful dreams, shoulda written them down. Sorry you feel so bad, I know exactly what you mean.
I think what saves me is curiosity.
I remember one time, having a fight with the P, crying, sobbing, devastated over something. He just sat there cold as ice. I felt like I’d rather be dead at that moment, and I realized that I had only felt that way in his presence. Nobody and nothing, no other event or person had ever made me feel that way.
Then, in the middle of my devastated emotions, I thought: “interesting. how interesting. he is the source of my pain. a pain like I’ve never known from any other source. How interesting. How does he do it?” Momentarily my focus moved away from my pain to curiosity about my pain. This actually reduced my pain to relatively low levels and kept it there.
So I told him, “you are the only person or thing that has ever made me wish I wasn’t alive, didn’t exist!” I expected some kind of compassion. NOTHING.
Then I told him, “YOU caused your ex-gf to kill herself, YOU were the reason she committed suicide. I know that now. It is what you did and you’re doing it to me.”
He blew up. He raged. He said, “How dare you? How dare you speak of my good friend who died? You apologize to me right now. You will apologize to me, blah blah blah… ”
Raged for so long that I eventually apologized to shut him up. I think that was the day I really stopped loving him even as a friend.
So since I found out about the Ps, thanks to Divine intervention, my curiosity has been peeked even more. Yes, I’m still devastated, but I’m also extremely intrigued.
When I’m thinking about how interesting this personality disorder is and how it sheds light on so many other aspects of our world, I don’t feel as much pain. I’m grateful that now I see an additional dimension to the events around me. Things aren’t so confusing anymore. Only my emotions are. But hopefully, I’ll get some information that will shed light on that too. Ironically, all the info I’ve read on narcissism, makes me understand my P and his motivations but it doesn’t shed any light on how I feel or what to do about it.
I guess that’s the difference between the cookie-cutter personality of the narissist and the more complex personality of a fully formed human being, it’s harder to understand the fully formed human.