Unfortunately clinicians and researchers often tend to interact with a specific segment of our society and to develop their own ways of describing the problems of the people they work with. For example, there are professionals who work with clients who have “personality disorders”, there are professionals who work with criminals in the justice system and there are professionals who work with perpetrators of domestic abuse/violence.
Each of these three groups of professionals has their own lingo for describing very similar people with very similar patterns of behavior. Each group also has a different “theoretical orientation” or view of the problems of humanity.
Because those who work with family abusers often lack experience with sociopaths in other settings they do not know that family abusers are sociopaths.
Where does that leave you, a victim or family member of a disordered, abusive individual?
To spare you the task of sorting through these three distinct ways of looking at the person who created havoc in your life, with the help of The Abusive Personality, I will present here more on the work of Dr. Dutton a psychologist who understand the personality profile of abusers.
First of all, I can say with confidence that individuals who abuse and victimize lovers, friends and family members are personality disordered. As Dr. Dutton points out on page 8 of The Abusive Personality, “Because IPV (intimate partner violence) occurs in a minority of relationships it cannot be explained by social norms. In fact, normative acceptance of IPV is low in North American populations. .. When people act in a chronically dysfunctional manner that violates the norms of their culture, their behavior is attributable to a personality disorder.”
Dr. Dutton makes a compelling argument that the “abusive personality” stems from what is known as borderline personality organization. According to psychoanalyst Otto Kernberg, adult and adolescent patients with antisocial personality possess an underlying borderline personality organization. Attachment theorists also suggests an association between borderline personality disorder and antisocial behavior or even antisocial personality disorder. Dr. Dutton acknowledges that many perpetrators are violent and antisocial outside the family and many appear to completely lack empathy and remorse. All chronic perpetrators have an extreme inability to empathize with their victims and seem to only express remorse as a means of maintaining the relationship. These emotional deficits are considered to be diagnostic of sociopathy.
According to Dr. Dutton, both male and female abusers experience cyclical changes in personality that relate to abuse perpetration. These cycles, have interfered with understanding the personality of abusers. The cycles happen because abusers experience a great deal of negative emotion and they blame this negative emotion on those closest to them. After they “blow off steam” by abusing loved ones, they experience a temporary relief from these negative emotions. During the time they “feel better” they may seem like model spouses and parents.
In my opinion, there are four other characteristics of men and women who perpetrate partner/family abuse that have interfered with our understanding that these abusers are psychopathic and are truly sociopaths. These are:
1. The degree to which they cling to those whom they abuse.
2. Their high level of anxiety and other negative emotions.
3. Lack of abuse of strangers and non-family members.
4. Lack of criminal arrest for other offenses.
I want to address each of these characteristics by asking then answering the related questions people have asked me over the years.
Question #1 Does the fact that my ______________ keeps calling and doesn’t want to lose me mean that deep down he/she really loves me?
Answer#1 NO! Although sociopaths are not capable of love they are very social and most often want to count themselves in as part of a family, extended family and friendship network. If they are alone how will they be able to do what they do best which is abuse and control people? Also if they are alone, how can they use people to get the other things they want. Especially as sociopaths get older and their ability to charm others declines they tend to want to stick with those they have taken advantage of in the past.
Question #2 My poor _________ is just depressed/anxious/angry about being mistreated and abused as a child. Won’t my love and reassurance help him/her get over it?
Answer #2 NO! If your______ has a long standing pattern of abusing you and/or other family members it means something very important so listen. It means he or she equates abuse with being in a relationship, just like you equate love and caring with being in a relationship. Since that is true, your love will only make the person more abusive.
Question#3 My ___________ only abuses me and no one else so it must be my fault. Right?
Answer #3 NO! Your __________ would abuse others if he/she thought he/she could get away with it and will abuse anyone else he/she feels close ties with. An intimate relationship brings out abusive behavior in people who have a borderline personality organization.
Question#4 My _____________ has never been arrested can he/she still be a sociopath?
Answer #4 YES! Antisocial behavior is behavior that hurts other people. When this hurtful behavior is perpetrated by someone who lacks empathy or remorse it reflects psychopathy/sociopathy.
In summary, I recommend that all mental health professionals who work with the victims and family members of sociopaths read Dr. Dutton’s book The Abusive Personality. I also recommend another of Dr. Dutton’s books, The Batterer a Psychological Profile for victims of domestic violence. Order it through Amazon today with these links:
The Abusive Personality
The Batterer a Psychological Profile
Does anyone want me to try to explain what “borderline personality organization” is?
Is there anyone who still has trouble accepting that partner abusers are sociopaths?
TNewman says (re Biddy a former LF poster who is now married to T’s ex husband if i got my info straight): “Biddy recently wrote and told me that he threw her to the ground when she tried to leave him awhile back and then threw her belongings in the yard…………..All of her family lives out of state and they live 1/4 mile up in the mountains with NO nearby neighbors. That’s scary! ”
TNewman, If my memory serves me correctly you warned Biddy about your ex, but she married him anyway after living with him awhile (in spite of him cheating on her and giving her std’s), then Biddy posted here for awhile. Now her husband has already shown abusive tendencies towards her. My own situation was no family in the same state as me and living with NO nearby neighbors like Biddy. It does sets up a scary scenerio indeed. I am glad you have been there for Biddy. I realize it is frustrating when they are warned and don’t listen, but I did was lost in the fog myself and I’m not sure a jackhammer could have blown me out of it for the longest in spite of “intellectually” KNOWING, yet I continued to make excuses and stay in denial or go against my own best interest–kind of like being stuck in quick sand I would struggle a bit to get free then sink back in etc.
I just want to say I hope and pray that both you and those of us here on Lovefraud will continue to be supportive of Biddy each and every time she comes round for support, or rather I know we will but for some reason I need to verbalize it. I know I went back and forth so many times, in spite of getting more and more info (and even after reading Without Conscious and thinking my ex would likely be a perfect score on the PCL-R), as I was sooooooooo mentally screwed up and on a sort of remote control by then, very dissociated from my feelings. I sense that with Biddy and strongly identify with her denial about her man and also with her isolation away from family or even neighbors . TNewman please keep us updated on how she is doing (as you get news) as I am very concerned for her. –Jen
Well, I have to admit I am somewhat confused by this article that seems to indicate that all abusers are sociopaths/psychopaths. I am not clear on “why” that would be. All people who commit murder are not s or p, and all rapists are not s or p, and all people who steal repeatedly are not not s or p and all liars are not s or p as other mental conditions or personality disorders also do very bad things. I thought a s or p had to demonstrate the severity of traits or characteristics consistently in ALL areas of their lives, so I am not sure I “get” why a person who abuses a spouse would automatically be a s or p, and maybe not just a really mean drug addict or really mean drunk or some other mental illness or personality disorder who goes off the rails every now and then. (and before I get flamed let me say I strongly am against domestic violence and I totally get it is toxic and it is wrong, but I just don’t exactly get why this automatically makes them a s or p as this article implies).
Does this research replace other research and information in numerous other books and articles, including from experts such as Hare who stated that approximately 25% (I think the figure was) of PERSISTENT spousal abusers are psychopathic? This leds one to believe that an estimated 75% must have some other disorder or factor playing into it. Not even all serial killers are psychopathic as some have other disorders, so I am afraid although I agree they are all toxic and some sort of disordered, I don’t get why a domestic abuser would “automatically” be a sociopath or psychopath. couldn’t one have led a perfectly normal and honest life up to say age 30 (for examples sake) then get addicted to maybe crack cocaine and whenever they get high on drugs become mean and abusive, but never be abusive any other time. then perhaps they kick the drug habit and clean up their lifestyle and never be abusive again. So what happened…….did they become a temporary psychopath, then recover from psychopathy?
So is all research leaning this way and overlaying all the former research? And does this mean since sociopath and psychopaths are not treatable in domestic abuse programs (I have read in various places that many people ARE helped through these programs and go on to learn appropriate ways to deal rather than abuse, but s or p’s do NOT learn and the program has no effect on them)–so what will become of domestic abuse programs to treat offenders if all abusers are all sociopaths and psychopaths and cannot be helped–will the programs be disbanded?
I am not trying to be difficult here, but I think these are serious issues and questions that need to be addressed if all abusers are going to be labeled sociopaths or psychopaths. I have not read the book in question, so I am not saying it ain’t so, I am just asking questions and wanting some sort of clarification as to where research is going.
But in rereading Dr. Leedom’s post it seems the Dr. Dutton is not saying all abusers are sociopathic or psychopathic, but that “chronic” abusers are personality disordered (which could include things other than sociopaths or psychopaths).
But then Dr. Leedom in one place in the posts says they are all personality disordered (which could mean various disorders and not just sociopathy or psycopathy), and then in another place she says they are sociopaths. Ok, it sounds to me this is just “her” opinion as far as them all being sociopaths and is not backed up by research, if I am reading this the way she intended???? Or maybe I’m still just confused by the post.
Dr. Leedom, thank you for sharing your professional opinion. I would like to respond to the two questions you ask in your post. I certainly feel that Psychopathy/ Sociopathy is a separate diagnosis and can never be applied to all abusers. Historically, it was linked to the APD and is now being considered as a separate diagnosis within the DSM V. The factor(s) that make an abuser carry such diagnosis are pathological lying, disregard for others, and shallow emotions. As we know, Borderline Personality Disorder is another diagnosis all together, not always associated with pathological lying. If anything, the emotional spectrum within BPD is extreme, not shallow. On the other hand, I appreciate your point that a socially deviant behavior is a symptom of social pathology, which is different from sociopathy/ psychopathy. I value your opinion deeply, but disagree with the statement that all abusers are psychopaths. I recently listened to Dr. Samenow’s seminar, titled “Inside a Criminal Mind”. He gives a very detailed and truthful description of the abuser, as well as the diagnosis. Lack of remorse (or partial remorse) is one of the pillars of the disorder. The grim outlook for the APDs is certainly not shared by those who treat BPDs and other PDs and find that abusers are capable of change and do learn and modify behaviors. Borderline organization is at the core of many PDs, but if it were used interchangeably with sociopathy, we’d only have one Personality Disorder listed. Thank you for allowing me to share my opinion.
Jen,
The way I read it, and I could be completely wrong, is that Dr. Leedom was givng her opinion that all the “chronic” abusers are rather than all abusers are.
LCSW,
I would say that some abusers do can and do change and others do not. Having worked in the prison setting previously I would agree that some do and some do not and that it is a choice they make. For change to happen, no matter what disorder it is, the client has to truly want to change. If they do not want to change they won’t.
I can never understand why women need to talk to the ex-wives of their partners. I have always gone a million miles to avoid the “ex”- whatever”. There is something inherently unhealthy in talking to the ex rather than your partner. And even for the ex partner, once you have warned them it is probably best to detach.
Biddy is very lucky to have TNewman. For me, I had to reach my “rockbottom” of having no-one but myself left before I “got it”.
Of course we will ALL always be here for Biddy. We were ALL Biddys once.
persons with schizophrenia may become chronic abusers, unless their condition is properly treated. within certain environments, abuse is a survival strategy. This will start me talking about military, and I better not go there.
Part of the problem of WORDS is that we each have a slightly different “definition” of the words—like “abuse” for example.
WHAT IS ABUSE? What is NOT abuse?
Human behavior is never quite a totally “square” peg or a totally “round” peg–because each human (except for idential twins) are UNIQUE, and each SITUATION is very MUCH unique in place, time and circumstances, so trying to catagorize “types” of humans let’s say in to “round” or “Square” or “trapizoidal” are all going to be quite IMPERFECT because NO two humans are going to be identical, or fit ALL the criteria of “round” or “square”—-
The other problem with catagorizing and defining people with “personality disorders” is that it must be done taking into consideration various professionals’ particular favorites in terms of definitions, experience, their own ego, etc. AND must be done by CONSENSUS.
One of my favorite “true-isms” is that a “Camel is a horse, designed by a committee.”
Everyone has to put their own “hump” on it so what you come out with is not necessarily the “best” design but everyone is placated by being allowed to “contribute.”
Since it is my belief that no two of us are going to be able to completely agree on the definition of what is “abuse” (and BTW that will VARY with culture and other variables) much less the other items that must be defined.
Personally, I think it might be better to define “personality disorders” like species and genus with sub-catagories.
Take Equines for example, they include the horse, the donkey (ass), etc. and within those, the various BREEDS. No matter what the animal “looks like” on the surface, they will fit within the catagory of “equine.”
QUOTE: LCSW: “in certain environments, abuse is a survival strategy” I would “redefine that” as VIOLENCE rather than abuse. I do not believe all violence is “abuse”, but like s/he said ‘A SURVIVAL STRATEGY.”
The DSM V which will be coming out soon, I do not have much confidence will be much, if any, better than previous ones at describing the various kinds of “personality” disorders than past ones have been. With professionals not being able to come together on definitions, symptomology, and causation, I think we will just have another version of the “camel” and who knows, this one may have 6 humps or six legs.
Oh, Oxy, I think this 11:53 a.m. is your BEST post!
Not sure I agree with you that VIOLENCE “ia a survival strategy” any more than I might think, as LCSW does, that “abuse is a survial strategy.”
Other than that, I am complete accord with your thinking above.
I almost completely disagree with LCSW’s theories — unless he/she could quote some studies rather than just personal experience, like in prisons. Chronic physcial abusers change? I think not!
I apologize for any disrespect that my opinion, based only on one experience living with a physical abuser for nearly 50 years, may be assumed.
As I think about it, the definition of abuse to any survivor or untouched person in the public, has to be qualified with adjectives, like emotional, psychological, sexual, and physical, in order for experts and victims to “speak the same language.”
With all due respect, I attest that I would still be living with my EX with the malignant hope that he could change, if LCSW had been my counselor — and probably be dead!!
Well, not really still lving with him. By the time I escaped, I KNEW beyond any doubt that he would not change but just continue to get worse. (No drugs, no alcohol, no prison record involved.)
I didn’t even seek out a counselor until after I had escaped to save my very life and that was to help ME heal from the experience.
The past 7.5 years have been devoted to trying to understand “what” happened to me. I wish I had taken classes with tuition and I’d have another degree!
Dr. Leedom’s theories are the first ones that brought the whole picture into place for me.
I don’t know if my R.N. daughter’s 10 year experience in a prison setting for sex offenders is any basis for “scientific” analysis. It was common knowledge among doctors, nurses, etc. that the firm opinion that sex offenders do not change was true.
This is one of the best articles I have read, thank you Dr. Leedom. I was always good at filling in the blanks and multiple choice, at school anyway, but when you apply it to unhealthy relationships it does validate what I already new. When you grow up in an unhealthy inviroment, abuse of any kind is normal. Normal until we hit rock bottom and are forced to ‘fill in the blanks.’