Unfortunately clinicians and researchers often tend to interact with a specific segment of our society and to develop their own ways of describing the problems of the people they work with. For example, there are professionals who work with clients who have “personality disorders”, there are professionals who work with criminals in the justice system and there are professionals who work with perpetrators of domestic abuse/violence.
Each of these three groups of professionals has their own lingo for describing very similar people with very similar patterns of behavior. Each group also has a different “theoretical orientation” or view of the problems of humanity.
Because those who work with family abusers often lack experience with sociopaths in other settings they do not know that family abusers are sociopaths.
Where does that leave you, a victim or family member of a disordered, abusive individual?
To spare you the task of sorting through these three distinct ways of looking at the person who created havoc in your life, with the help of The Abusive Personality, I will present here more on the work of Dr. Dutton a psychologist who understand the personality profile of abusers.
First of all, I can say with confidence that individuals who abuse and victimize lovers, friends and family members are personality disordered. As Dr. Dutton points out on page 8 of The Abusive Personality, “Because IPV (intimate partner violence) occurs in a minority of relationships it cannot be explained by social norms. In fact, normative acceptance of IPV is low in North American populations. .. When people act in a chronically dysfunctional manner that violates the norms of their culture, their behavior is attributable to a personality disorder.”
Dr. Dutton makes a compelling argument that the “abusive personality” stems from what is known as borderline personality organization. According to psychoanalyst Otto Kernberg, adult and adolescent patients with antisocial personality possess an underlying borderline personality organization. Attachment theorists also suggests an association between borderline personality disorder and antisocial behavior or even antisocial personality disorder. Dr. Dutton acknowledges that many perpetrators are violent and antisocial outside the family and many appear to completely lack empathy and remorse. All chronic perpetrators have an extreme inability to empathize with their victims and seem to only express remorse as a means of maintaining the relationship. These emotional deficits are considered to be diagnostic of sociopathy.
According to Dr. Dutton, both male and female abusers experience cyclical changes in personality that relate to abuse perpetration. These cycles, have interfered with understanding the personality of abusers. The cycles happen because abusers experience a great deal of negative emotion and they blame this negative emotion on those closest to them. After they “blow off steam” by abusing loved ones, they experience a temporary relief from these negative emotions. During the time they “feel better” they may seem like model spouses and parents.
In my opinion, there are four other characteristics of men and women who perpetrate partner/family abuse that have interfered with our understanding that these abusers are psychopathic and are truly sociopaths. These are:
1. The degree to which they cling to those whom they abuse.
2. Their high level of anxiety and other negative emotions.
3. Lack of abuse of strangers and non-family members.
4. Lack of criminal arrest for other offenses.
I want to address each of these characteristics by asking then answering the related questions people have asked me over the years.
Question #1 Does the fact that my ______________ keeps calling and doesn’t want to lose me mean that deep down he/she really loves me?
Answer#1 NO! Although sociopaths are not capable of love they are very social and most often want to count themselves in as part of a family, extended family and friendship network. If they are alone how will they be able to do what they do best which is abuse and control people? Also if they are alone, how can they use people to get the other things they want. Especially as sociopaths get older and their ability to charm others declines they tend to want to stick with those they have taken advantage of in the past.
Question #2 My poor _________ is just depressed/anxious/angry about being mistreated and abused as a child. Won’t my love and reassurance help him/her get over it?
Answer #2 NO! If your______ has a long standing pattern of abusing you and/or other family members it means something very important so listen. It means he or she equates abuse with being in a relationship, just like you equate love and caring with being in a relationship. Since that is true, your love will only make the person more abusive.
Question#3 My ___________ only abuses me and no one else so it must be my fault. Right?
Answer #3 NO! Your __________ would abuse others if he/she thought he/she could get away with it and will abuse anyone else he/she feels close ties with. An intimate relationship brings out abusive behavior in people who have a borderline personality organization.
Question#4 My _____________ has never been arrested can he/she still be a sociopath?
Answer #4 YES! Antisocial behavior is behavior that hurts other people. When this hurtful behavior is perpetrated by someone who lacks empathy or remorse it reflects psychopathy/sociopathy.
In summary, I recommend that all mental health professionals who work with the victims and family members of sociopaths read Dr. Dutton’s book The Abusive Personality. I also recommend another of Dr. Dutton’s books, The Batterer a Psychological Profile for victims of domestic violence. Order it through Amazon today with these links:
The Abusive Personality
The Batterer a Psychological Profile
Does anyone want me to try to explain what “borderline personality organization” is?
Is there anyone who still has trouble accepting that partner abusers are sociopaths?
This actually clears up some questions I had. I know that my ex was diagnosed with Anti-Social Personality Disorder. I read the Psych file and my therapist at the time, helped me to interpret it. I was very confused then and still am.
The thing that has confused me the most is how social he seems. I guess I just didn’t understand the disorder that much. It’s interesting to learn that many of them are social and the reasons why make sense. Now I know why he doesn’t have current friends and relies on past friends so heavily on facebook and myspace. If you read his facebook account (Don’t worry, I don’t anymore), he would seem like he has a lot of friends and is very socially well-adjusted. This has always confused me about him. He seemed so likeable and social before I married him. He also taps into his old friendsips a lot. He did this in reconnecting with me after not seeing me for about 10 years. We barely knew each other in college, but he looked me up online that many years later and started a relationship with me. He does this with many people from that college circle of friends. Some in that circle hate him very deeply, while others still adore him and fall prey to his charm. He uses them over and over again and is still using them to get to me and at me. He was much more charming in college. That is for sure. It’s interesting that the article points out that as they grow less charming, they rely on these old friends to use. I find this fascinating and it makes sense. Do they often become les charming with age? Was this concluded from results of a study of some kind?
One question I have is regarding Borderline Personality Disorder. He was diagnosed with this years before being diagnosed with Anti-Social Personality Disorder. I always assumed before that this meant that he didn’t have Borderline Personality Disorder, but now I’m realizing that he can have both disorders? Is this correct? Can he have both disorders at once? He also was diagnosed with ADD years before any of this. Are people sometimes misdiagnosed with ADD and ADHD when they have some of these major personality disorders and if so, does that mean that they always had these other disorders and just were not correctly diagnosed until adulthood? I always assumed that if someone is re-diagnosed with a new disorder, that it’s saying they don’t really have the disorder they were originally diagnosed with. However, can it mean they have both or all of the disorders and if so, are Sociopaths more or less dangerous when they also exhibit other disorders?
Hecates,
I can relate to so much in your post. You just described my life with my ex. I’m in a situation that sounds very much the same. I’m also torn between trying to believe that he is just trying to cause me stress and knowing that he will do anything possible to get even with me for leaving him.
Some P’s like to target strong women, because they get off on bringing them to their knees. I think this is especially true of “high” achieving P’s who also have narcissistic personality disorder. Like Thomas Crown, if you have ever seen that movie. It (the remake) ends with him watching the woman cry….and letting her cry…before he reveals himself and then she is all happy. He loves her after all…..NOT! I’d love to make the sequel. Any man who makes you cry on purpose and enjoys it is not going to give you a happy ever after ending. She ignored all kind of red flags and also had her own vulnerabilities (as we all do), in that she loved excitement, her values weren’t clear, nor were her boundaries.
I bought “Cosmo” magazine because there is the article in there about p/s. But the rest of the magazine has a LOT of training for how to get involved with a P! The “hot read” love story is about a man announcing he is bad, and a “sweet” girl then jumping into bed with this guy minutes later, when she just met him. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There is also an article on how guys pick up girls, and all of them (as I recall) involve the guy being INSINCERE and making up a story…..and only for one scenario does COSMO warn this is not a good guy. HELL, none of them are good guys!
Our young women are being taught it is okay to fall into bed with a man during your first real conversation with him when he has announced that that he is bad and controlling….and that it is okay that guys pretend to need help picking out bath towels, in order to pick you up.
Not to mention the whole magazine really encourages women to trade on their looks to get a man.
I realize the older generation usually feels the younger one is shocking. But I’m not shocked so much as depressed. P’s are in control!
Jillsmith, according to a book by Dr. Oldham, who has written a number books and articles on personality disorders and has a list of creditentials a mile long, men and women who suffer from Narcissistic personality disorder, frequently exhibit features of Histrionic, Borderline, Antisocial and Paranoid personality disorders. Depression is common, as are hypochondria, substance abuse and other things he lists.
My therapist said it is not unusual for them to fit the criteria for more than one personality disorder.
With kids, I think they usually are labeled character disturbed. I think the personality disorder diagnosis is not used for children.
Hey look what I found.
from:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissism
Theodore Millon identified six types of narcissist:
normal narcissistic type – by nature a competitive and self-assured person who believes in himself or herself. Charming, clever, confident and ambitious, such a person often becomes an effective and successful leader.
unprincipled type – the charlatan – is a fraudulent, exploitative, deceptive and unscrupulous individual. Although people displaying this type of narcissism are usually succesful in society and manage to keep their activities within the accepted norms, they can also be found in drug rehabilitation programs, jails and prisons.
amorous type – the Don Juan or Casanova of our times – is erotic, exhibitionist and seductive, aloof, charming and exploitative, and reluctant to get involved in deep, mutually intimate relationships.
compensatory type – has illusions of superiority and an image of high self-worth, but with an underlying emptiness, insecurity and weakness. This type is sensitive to others’ reactions and prone to feeling ashamed, anxious and humiliated.
elitist type – the achiever – corresponds to Wilhelm Reich’s “phallic narcissistic” personality type, with excessively inflated self-image. The individual is elitist, a “social climber”, superior, admiration seeking, self-promoting, bragging and empowered by social success.
fanatic type – is a severely narcissistically wounded individual, usually with major paranoid tendencies who holds onto an illusion of omnipotence. These people are fighting the reality of their insignificance and lost value and are trying to re-establish their self-esteem through grandiose fantasies and self-reinforcement. When unable to gain recognition of support from others, they take on the role of a heroic or worshipped person with a grandiose mission. These people can be found amongst sect leaders, in mental hospitals if their delusions become sustained and extensive, or in prison, if their missions counteract those of society.
We can devote a how-to column in my new Weekly magazine to each one of these types.
I believe mine went from charlatan to fanatic because of my constant narcissistic injuries to his fragile ego. I’m ridden with guilt. He said that love should be unconditional and that I was arrogant and that he was tired of my God-like behavior. Now I know it was a cry for help.
It’s all my fault that he now has delusions of persecution.
It’s because of my relentless sarcasm. If I’d known I would never have deployed it on him. He tried to tell me.
LOL!
Jill,
It is pretty common for people with personality disorders to have another disorder as well. Plus personality disorders are grouped in clusters and it is not all that uncommon for overlap to occur as well. As for being diagnosed with ASPD, a person can not be diagnosed with ASPD until they are an adult so they could have a diagnosis previously as a child (something like Conduct Disorder, ADHD, or ODD) and then later as an adult be diagnosed with ASPD. And different clinicians can have differing opinons on what a person may have depending on the information presented to them and other factors.
Here is a link to an article that talks about personality disorders and cluster b ones specifically that you may like:
http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/Personality%20Disorders(1).doc
hey guys, I am having a pity party and I need a boink up the side of the head. It has been 9 monthes now and during that time I have learnt so much and come so far is so many respects. I have also realised that my close family members abuse and narcissism have lead me to develop some pretty crappy outlooks and behaviours. I have gone no contact with them and the S/P and i feel like the ‘life blood flow’ they were draining from me has been tapped. I have read so much and learnt so much that has helped me to understand what happend and myself, but its like opening the door to Hades… its all something I never wanted to know existed. I know now, really truly, and I belive myself really truly. Any niggling doubts about what these people are, or that I might have got it wrong or that deep down there is still a little love for me fighting to get out, have gone. But now what. (I am heading off to re-read the articles on here right now regarding this ‘stage’) I realise I am still in the middle of a process that will ultimately mean a more positive existance, BUT I am feeling SO TIRED, so isolated. I am up the creek financially and have nowhere to turn to family or friendwise right now (although my inner voice tells me this is good because when I get out of it, and I will when I stop with the self pity and get on with it, I will be beholdent to no one, and I need to grow up and not feel like I want someone to save me…need to do it myself…) Anyway… maybe someone should tell me a joke or give me a smack because I think I need both today;)
Thanks for the vent…I know you guys wont mind. I just needed to get this out.x
blueskies,
I think that we all have days like this…What we “know” and what we “feel” sometimes can be two different things.
Knowing that you were with a toxic person and trying to heal from the consequences of that relationship is a long hard road…It is natural (I think) to come to a place as you are feeling, “now what?”…..When do things get better? When will you FEEL better?
Intellectually you know that things ARE better, just because you ARE on the road to recovery and NC. However, it doesn’t always “feel” better. Not on those days when you are feeling exahusted, lonely, financially depleted, isolated from family and friends, and emotionally drained.
Blueskies, my interpretation of your user name is “hope”. Its something we can all relate to….Blueskies, is right up there with rainbows!
Right now you are experiencing a cloudy day…..Maybe even a thunderstorm….But you know just around the bend, the sun will shine again….The blueskies will return.
Do something special for yourself today….If you are feeling lazy, rent a few movies and pop some popcorn and just relax. If you need to do something active go for a walk in the park and “people watch”. Or take a bubble bath…..
Think about how you are “free” from the toxic person in your life (in proximity) and know that at some point in your recovery you will also feel free emotionally. That is the destination. And you will arrive there….Try to “feel” this in your heart today…..That you are on your way to that final destination….Just experiencing a bump in the road.
Blueskies, I’m sorry you are feeling blue today. Here’s a (silly) joke to cheer you up.
Two N’s are walking down the road when they see a beautiful young woman walking towards them. One turns to the other and says, “Quick, Show her your nutts.” The other one sticks his thumbs in his ears, splaying out his fingers and wiggling his hands, yelling, “booga-booga-booga.”