Unfortunately clinicians and researchers often tend to interact with a specific segment of our society and to develop their own ways of describing the problems of the people they work with. For example, there are professionals who work with clients who have “personality disorders”, there are professionals who work with criminals in the justice system and there are professionals who work with perpetrators of domestic abuse/violence.
Each of these three groups of professionals has their own lingo for describing very similar people with very similar patterns of behavior. Each group also has a different “theoretical orientation” or view of the problems of humanity.
Because those who work with family abusers often lack experience with sociopaths in other settings they do not know that family abusers are sociopaths.
Where does that leave you, a victim or family member of a disordered, abusive individual?
To spare you the task of sorting through these three distinct ways of looking at the person who created havoc in your life, with the help of The Abusive Personality, I will present here more on the work of Dr. Dutton a psychologist who understand the personality profile of abusers.
First of all, I can say with confidence that individuals who abuse and victimize lovers, friends and family members are personality disordered. As Dr. Dutton points out on page 8 of The Abusive Personality, “Because IPV (intimate partner violence) occurs in a minority of relationships it cannot be explained by social norms. In fact, normative acceptance of IPV is low in North American populations. .. When people act in a chronically dysfunctional manner that violates the norms of their culture, their behavior is attributable to a personality disorder.”
Dr. Dutton makes a compelling argument that the “abusive personality” stems from what is known as borderline personality organization. According to psychoanalyst Otto Kernberg, adult and adolescent patients with antisocial personality possess an underlying borderline personality organization. Attachment theorists also suggests an association between borderline personality disorder and antisocial behavior or even antisocial personality disorder. Dr. Dutton acknowledges that many perpetrators are violent and antisocial outside the family and many appear to completely lack empathy and remorse. All chronic perpetrators have an extreme inability to empathize with their victims and seem to only express remorse as a means of maintaining the relationship. These emotional deficits are considered to be diagnostic of sociopathy.
According to Dr. Dutton, both male and female abusers experience cyclical changes in personality that relate to abuse perpetration. These cycles, have interfered with understanding the personality of abusers. The cycles happen because abusers experience a great deal of negative emotion and they blame this negative emotion on those closest to them. After they “blow off steam” by abusing loved ones, they experience a temporary relief from these negative emotions. During the time they “feel better” they may seem like model spouses and parents.
In my opinion, there are four other characteristics of men and women who perpetrate partner/family abuse that have interfered with our understanding that these abusers are psychopathic and are truly sociopaths. These are:
1. The degree to which they cling to those whom they abuse.
2. Their high level of anxiety and other negative emotions.
3. Lack of abuse of strangers and non-family members.
4. Lack of criminal arrest for other offenses.
I want to address each of these characteristics by asking then answering the related questions people have asked me over the years.
Question #1 Does the fact that my ______________ keeps calling and doesn’t want to lose me mean that deep down he/she really loves me?
Answer#1 NO! Although sociopaths are not capable of love they are very social and most often want to count themselves in as part of a family, extended family and friendship network. If they are alone how will they be able to do what they do best which is abuse and control people? Also if they are alone, how can they use people to get the other things they want. Especially as sociopaths get older and their ability to charm others declines they tend to want to stick with those they have taken advantage of in the past.
Question #2 My poor _________ is just depressed/anxious/angry about being mistreated and abused as a child. Won’t my love and reassurance help him/her get over it?
Answer #2 NO! If your______ has a long standing pattern of abusing you and/or other family members it means something very important so listen. It means he or she equates abuse with being in a relationship, just like you equate love and caring with being in a relationship. Since that is true, your love will only make the person more abusive.
Question#3 My ___________ only abuses me and no one else so it must be my fault. Right?
Answer #3 NO! Your __________ would abuse others if he/she thought he/she could get away with it and will abuse anyone else he/she feels close ties with. An intimate relationship brings out abusive behavior in people who have a borderline personality organization.
Question#4 My _____________ has never been arrested can he/she still be a sociopath?
Answer #4 YES! Antisocial behavior is behavior that hurts other people. When this hurtful behavior is perpetrated by someone who lacks empathy or remorse it reflects psychopathy/sociopathy.
In summary, I recommend that all mental health professionals who work with the victims and family members of sociopaths read Dr. Dutton’s book The Abusive Personality. I also recommend another of Dr. Dutton’s books, The Batterer a Psychological Profile for victims of domestic violence. Order it through Amazon today with these links:
The Abusive Personality
The Batterer a Psychological Profile
Does anyone want me to try to explain what “borderline personality organization” is?
Is there anyone who still has trouble accepting that partner abusers are sociopaths?
Blueskies,
Were not geriatric yet, but her is a geri joke. This old lady says to her husband,” I feel like some strawberries, theyre in the fridge. can you go get me some?”Sure, honey! he says. As he heads for th kitchen she calls out, “Id like some cream with them too!” “OK, Ive got that”. Oh, and some ice-cream,too! “OK,got all that”! Hubby is a away quite a while,
then he comes back and puts a plateof bacon and eggs in front of her.”Wait a minute” she says,”You forgot my toast!”
Another joke. This blonde lady goes to the doctor. “Doctor, she says,”When I press my hip with my finger, it hurts! Oh?
Yeah, and when I press myhead, it hurts!,Oh,and when I press my stomach it hurts!’ the doctor says,”Are you a natural blonde?” “Yes”, she says.” This is the deal.” says the Dr.”Youve broken your finger.”
Hi Gem. I absolutly lovea good blonde joke. Thanks.
Jill says
One question I have is regarding Borderline Personality Disorder. He was diagnosed with this years before being diagnosed with Anti-Social Personality Disorder. I always assumed before that this meant that he didn’t have Borderline Personality Disorder, but now I’m realizing that he can have both disorders? Is this correct? Can he have both disorders at once? He also was diagnosed with ADD years before any of this. Are people sometimes misdiagnosed with ADD and ADHD when they have some of these major personality disorders and if so, does that mean that they always had these other disorders and just were not correctly diagnosed until adulthood? I always assumed that if someone is re-diagnosed with a new disorder, that it’s saying they don’t really have the disorder they were originally diagnosed with. However, can it mean they have both or all of the disorders and if so, are Sociopaths more or less dangerous when they also exhibit other disorders?
What a great question. By naming “a disorder” professionals give the impression that there is a distinct entitiy out there with a unique set of brain correlates and a unique etiology. This is simply not true. “Psychopathy” is a set of traits that go together because once one develops the others tend to develop too. See the pages on the inner triangle to understand why.
High end psychopathy can coexist with just about any other mental disorder.
The only exception is social anxiety. Psychopaths could care less what others think of them.
Blueskies, JillSmith, ErinB, JAH, Henry, & others…
Blueskies, I am glad some kind folks reached out to you – you didn’t need a boinking because you aren’t doing anything destructive, my friend! You’re just walking a path that’s difficult to navigate – I think we are in the same place in our recovery… I know the reality and would never go back and know myself and what me to the relationship with the S. Atthe same time, I, too am tired because being helathy is hard work and the loneliness and lack of companionship I feel at the end of the day is a challenge. Knowing the reality doesn’t make everything rosy that’s for sure! Glad you got some humor and compassion here… loved the metaphor/acknoledgment of your name from witsend!
JillSmith,
I read your post and questions last night but one of my kids came down with a fever so I was doing the mom/nurse thing. Probably worked in your favor, LOL as Dr. Leedom’s reply to you was without a doubt better than anything I could’ve pieced together. I understand the comorbidity of cluster b/sociopathy, but putting it into words is another matter. There is of course the ongoing chicken and egg question of causation, and the combining elements of nature and nurture in their various capacities which of course are situationally unique.
The antisocial personality disorder tag is misleading too because it has nothing to do with the social nature of the personality but rather the nature of the “anti social” acts they engage in and perpetrate against others/society – as in goig against the nature of societal norms blah, blah, blah. hopefully that came out right in this format. As I said after reading this particular article “they” would have a lot more clarity in the DSM if they tagged it abusive personality disorder! There is also a lot of uncertainty in the diagnosis of childhood onset bipolar and its connection to, misdaignosis of, or comorbidity with ADHD. As someone else mentioned viewing things on a spectrum is the key…
I am so sorry that things are so challenging for you right now…
Erin B., I am glad your “rant” made you feel better… I think you and I were in the same mindset this weekend… “The Bring It On Cuz Failure IS NOT an Option” mentality is keeping us both going!! The more I learn of your story the more I admire you for all you are doing for yourself and your children…
Justabouthealed- I found your comment about S’s targeting strong women very interesting. While I think mine sought me out cuz i appeared to be like his typical victim, due to my situation at the time, I couldn’t agree more that he found the subtle things he did to control me, and later, the not so subtle “come here/go away” behaviors such an enticing challenge and so “rewarding” to him. It was only later that I realized this, of course, having “rationalized” so many things as being the result of his emotional state from his divorce, or his PTSD… as we all know he did those things *because he could*.
Once I asked him about an activity he enjoyed and he responded by saying “its all about the thrill of the chase” and
I laughed and said “Gee, what does that say about your relationship with me?” He just smiled and changed the conversation. How *very* telling, now, in hindsight. Later he invited me to join him in that activity the next morning – and it was non-stop adrenaline rush all morning… should’ve told me something about his need for excitement, huh?!
As for thomas Crowne, I always loved that movie and never realized until after my own S experience that Crowne’s behavior was so controlling and manipulative. That “cat and mouse” mentality in relationships seemed normal to me given the relationships I had observed growing up… Ironically, the first time S and I were having a movie night, I told him I’d always wanted to watch that movie with him because HE “would love the plot dynamics.” Hello, McFly!?! Thinking *he* would relate to *Thomas Crowne* should’ve told me something, eh?! Knowing otherwise could’ve saved my insuranc company a lot of money in therapy costs, LOL! As an aside, we never watched that movie that night because he brought over one he’d been wanting to watch and thought I might like… yeah right – just more controlling behavior…
And to say he ultimately brought me to my knees when he unexpectedly broke off our relationship with no warning was an understatement… and little did I know that he would continue playing cat and mouse with me for the next several months in various capacities and stringing me along with his flirtations, with me waiting to see when he would cross the line to sleep with me again… now I know the answer to that Q: *never* if *I* kept waiting and watching for him to make a move, and within 5 minutes, LOL, if I would’ve sent the message that he was invisible to me, cuz we all know that when I ultimately did cut him off from my life in any capacity and ignored him publicly, it resulted in all hell breaking loose with his false police charges against me…
Loved the responses to the glued penis story, too! Henry, I laughed/snorted when I read yours about the mug shot picture… went back to look & you are so right! LMAO! 🙂
Have a great day, everyone – ’til next time
HP
Good gracious I am an embarrassment to english teachers everywhere, and my highschool typing teacher, LOL, with ALL those typos in my last post.
Ummm, I guess that’s what that preview button should be used for!!! APOLOGIES!
I think you’re all intelligent enough to figure them out so I won’t insult you with corrections other than to correct the verb tense of “was an undertstatement” to “is/would be an understatement”
Thanks for putting up with me… (said with a most sheepish grin)
witsend, Kim and Gem, HP. Thanks for your replies guys.xxx Much love. xxx I just needed to get it out, somewhere!x
Witsend you really made a difference in shifting my thought gear today:)x and I love the jokes Gem and Kim!:Dx. I am better now, just needed a little hand hold! (Sheesh when will this end?!) Now I will get back to reading instead of needing(yukko);)xxxx
Dearest Blueskies,Im glad you liked the blonde joke! You do NOT need a boink on the haead ,you need a group CYBER HUG!! Altogether now, GROUP CYBER HUG to Blueskies!! Dont beat yourself up dear blue, weve all been there, done that got the T shirts to prove it!LOL!
{{{{HUGS!!!}}}} times one hundred squared! Gem.XX
Everyone, those jokes were good medicine. thanks
Blueskies, I cried for hours last night and felt better today. Usually, I avoid crying because it puffs up my eyes for 2 days, I look like death. But for some reason, it may have helped my attitude a small bit.
Joke – An old woman goes to store and buys crotchless panties. When husband comes home she is sitting on bed legs apart, she ask him “Honey you want some of this?” Husband say’s ” Hell no! look what it did too your panties!”
Dear Blueskies,
Sorry to hear your feeling down. This road to healing is the loneliest & scariest road we’l ever walk but no matter how lonely or afraid I get I will never turn back.
Ive always found that at my most terrifying times I am all alone. No-one “gets it” or understands. I have often sunk to the floor in utter despair & in indescribable pain clutching my cell phone & scrolling through contacts wondering who to call.
Then realizing “whats the point”? “They wont understand”!
Its during those times when I thought I had no-one that I prayed to God, I now believe those times of alone-ness with
God is beneficial to my healing. After every emotional breakdown (and there are many) I feel a sense of peace & renewed strength.
Know your never really alone Blueskies, God is always with you, carrying you a few more miles nearer to the end of our long lonely road to recovery.
You are worth every step you take, every painful step is a step further away from your abusers & a step nearer to your true value & worth.
I found the following on the net, it will explain what I am trying to say better than I can Blueskies. Hope it helps cheer your day. xxx
Value
A well known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, “Who would like this $20 bill?”
Hands started going up.
He said, “I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this.” He proceeded to crumple the dollar bill up.
He then asked, “Who still wants it?”
Still the hands were up in the air.
“Well,” he replied, “What if I do this?” And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe
.
He picked it up, now all crumpled and dirty. “Now who still wants it?” Still the hands went into the air.
“My friends, you have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20.
Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way.
We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. You are special – Don’t ever forget it!