Unfortunately clinicians and researchers often tend to interact with a specific segment of our society and to develop their own ways of describing the problems of the people they work with. For example, there are professionals who work with clients who have “personality disorders”, there are professionals who work with criminals in the justice system and there are professionals who work with perpetrators of domestic abuse/violence.
Each of these three groups of professionals has their own lingo for describing very similar people with very similar patterns of behavior. Each group also has a different “theoretical orientation” or view of the problems of humanity.
Because those who work with family abusers often lack experience with sociopaths in other settings they do not know that family abusers are sociopaths.
Where does that leave you, a victim or family member of a disordered, abusive individual?
To spare you the task of sorting through these three distinct ways of looking at the person who created havoc in your life, with the help of The Abusive Personality, I will present here more on the work of Dr. Dutton a psychologist who understand the personality profile of abusers.
First of all, I can say with confidence that individuals who abuse and victimize lovers, friends and family members are personality disordered. As Dr. Dutton points out on page 8 of The Abusive Personality, “Because IPV (intimate partner violence) occurs in a minority of relationships it cannot be explained by social norms. In fact, normative acceptance of IPV is low in North American populations. .. When people act in a chronically dysfunctional manner that violates the norms of their culture, their behavior is attributable to a personality disorder.”
Dr. Dutton makes a compelling argument that the “abusive personality” stems from what is known as borderline personality organization. According to psychoanalyst Otto Kernberg, adult and adolescent patients with antisocial personality possess an underlying borderline personality organization. Attachment theorists also suggests an association between borderline personality disorder and antisocial behavior or even antisocial personality disorder. Dr. Dutton acknowledges that many perpetrators are violent and antisocial outside the family and many appear to completely lack empathy and remorse. All chronic perpetrators have an extreme inability to empathize with their victims and seem to only express remorse as a means of maintaining the relationship. These emotional deficits are considered to be diagnostic of sociopathy.
According to Dr. Dutton, both male and female abusers experience cyclical changes in personality that relate to abuse perpetration. These cycles, have interfered with understanding the personality of abusers. The cycles happen because abusers experience a great deal of negative emotion and they blame this negative emotion on those closest to them. After they “blow off steam” by abusing loved ones, they experience a temporary relief from these negative emotions. During the time they “feel better” they may seem like model spouses and parents.
In my opinion, there are four other characteristics of men and women who perpetrate partner/family abuse that have interfered with our understanding that these abusers are psychopathic and are truly sociopaths. These are:
1. The degree to which they cling to those whom they abuse.
2. Their high level of anxiety and other negative emotions.
3. Lack of abuse of strangers and non-family members.
4. Lack of criminal arrest for other offenses.
I want to address each of these characteristics by asking then answering the related questions people have asked me over the years.
Question #1 Does the fact that my ______________ keeps calling and doesn’t want to lose me mean that deep down he/she really loves me?
Answer#1 NO! Although sociopaths are not capable of love they are very social and most often want to count themselves in as part of a family, extended family and friendship network. If they are alone how will they be able to do what they do best which is abuse and control people? Also if they are alone, how can they use people to get the other things they want. Especially as sociopaths get older and their ability to charm others declines they tend to want to stick with those they have taken advantage of in the past.
Question #2 My poor _________ is just depressed/anxious/angry about being mistreated and abused as a child. Won’t my love and reassurance help him/her get over it?
Answer #2 NO! If your______ has a long standing pattern of abusing you and/or other family members it means something very important so listen. It means he or she equates abuse with being in a relationship, just like you equate love and caring with being in a relationship. Since that is true, your love will only make the person more abusive.
Question#3 My ___________ only abuses me and no one else so it must be my fault. Right?
Answer #3 NO! Your __________ would abuse others if he/she thought he/she could get away with it and will abuse anyone else he/she feels close ties with. An intimate relationship brings out abusive behavior in people who have a borderline personality organization.
Question#4 My _____________ has never been arrested can he/she still be a sociopath?
Answer #4 YES! Antisocial behavior is behavior that hurts other people. When this hurtful behavior is perpetrated by someone who lacks empathy or remorse it reflects psychopathy/sociopathy.
In summary, I recommend that all mental health professionals who work with the victims and family members of sociopaths read Dr. Dutton’s book The Abusive Personality. I also recommend another of Dr. Dutton’s books, The Batterer a Psychological Profile for victims of domestic violence. Order it through Amazon today with these links:
The Abusive Personality
The Batterer a Psychological Profile
Does anyone want me to try to explain what “borderline personality organization” is?
Is there anyone who still has trouble accepting that partner abusers are sociopaths?
Stayingsane, You told me that you could do this again. I think, if I understand you correctly, you are hoping to get some kind of criminal record to … what? vindicate yourself? protect others? get some kind of revenge?
I’m just shooting in the dark here because I’m not sure you are still living with him — and if you are planning to stay until “someting” happens?
I do understand your desire to “be sure” but from my own experience I have great concern for you!
I “stayed” for an extra 10 months because he had “said” that he had finally accepted the Christian message and I wanted to give him a “chance.” All it gave me was an extra 10 months of crying and ended with more intense physical abuse until the last one was intended to KILL me.
Then I didn’t have an “exit” plan because I had to leave on such short notice — couldn’t even inform our adult children properly. I only could pack a suitcase, reactivate a ticket to an unknown city 1800 miles away with no plans once I got here.
By the time I fled, I didn’t even have a clear enough head to think about calling the police on him — so no criminal record anyway.
The result was, though, I had such such relief for the next few months, had “time” to evaluate what had happened to me, acknowledge that his words had all been lies (including the spiritual things) and maybe most important, the end of the daily crying!!
Was it worth staying an extra 10 months? NO! For one thing, the extra toxicity ruined my physical health, let alone worsened the emotional wounds and gave me the horrid memory of almost being a murder victim! (Talk about PTSD!)
You are in charge of your own life and no one can make a decision for you. You do have family that supports you and that’s a plus.
Know that all of us Lfers care and are sending you good thoughts and prayers!!
Sorry. I just reread your last post and see that it is his family, not your own, that is supporting you?
In my wildest fantasies, I can not imagine how mothers could treat some of you so cruelly. I hurt for you all!
This was one of the best articles Ive read on LF!! its been almost a year and LF placed me on my way to recovery. My _______(teehee…blank) was described perfectly in this article…just last week I ran into her and the words out of her mouth were “textbook” to this article. “Oh,there is something about you that I just cant let go of…I know your love runs deep and I know I can spend the rest of my life with you!” yeah right, because she knows she can continue to victimize me. Secretly inside I was laughing and after reading this post I am laughing out loud!!! It was a “hands on lesson” and for once(thanks to LF) I was a step ahead of her. Believe me, for a second I felt myself wanting to believer her, so then I posed the question to her of who she is seeing now….She said “no one, just someone on and off” I said “Does this person have a name?” And when she spoke it, I laughed on the inside even harder. It was the SECOND person(out of 5)she had cheated on me with. I got to see her viscious cycle up front and center going around the bend again! And since that impromptu meeting, she has poured it on thick through texts to me,guess since she thought since I talked to her, that was her “in.” I responded to some of her texts but I do not advise that to anyone who has been a victim that cannot discern what exactly is going on. That meeting was an affirmation of everything I have learned from LF. Thank GOD for this site..
Hi everyone–It’s been a long time since I posted. I used to go by the name Imakeeper-not, but I have a computer at home and at my store and I post at my store with another name because I re-registered. Anyway, I am an everyday visitor to this site, and I read everything. I can’t tell you how much LF has helped me. I owe this site, among other things, my sanity. I have finally gone NC for 5 days. I have gone through so much pain from my relationship and at the same time received so much comfort reading your stories that are all so similar to mine. I doubted myself for so long, lost my self respect, everything. Until– I found this site. My s is SO like so many I read about here. I have read everything I could get my hands on about sociopaths, and my reading has removed any doubt–he passes the list with flying colors. I don’t want to feel sick anymore, hate myself anymore, doubt myself anymore. I want ME back, and I will do whatever it takes. So THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU. This site is amazing and so are all of you. Words fail me. I will probably end up driving you all crazy at some point. I am still in shock over his horrible ass and my crazy one, so I am sure it will be a battle for me at times. However, this time it is a battle I will win, because if I don’t get myself back in control of my life and myself and forget about him I think I will fade into a little point of light and go out with a little quiet “poof.”
For Erin B – thanks so much for cracking me up! and for the love in your message. I have tears in my eyes now because I am so amazed that you are all here!
Justabouthealed or JAH (love that nickname), it reminds me of loving jah rastas I have known. Peace. The S is many things, but not a birder. We are across the street from Starbucks and luckily have other, BETTER, coffee places in the neighborhood. I do hope you are feeling better.
OxDrover, well, many have said this to you, but you are truly wise and very gifted with your writing! In reading all your posts, I have learned so much. yes, I belong to the club and thank you for welcoming me! Love the “egg donor” phrase, it is quite the way I have thought of the person who was supposed to be my mother. It is a helpful way to think about her. My brother and sister have a wonderful and close mother, I was the one she was jealous of. So they cannot understand why I won’t see her and hold it against me. She has made a practice of lying to them about me. I thought I would perhaps lose my whole family when I stopped seeing her and so I did. My sister won’t even give me her mailing address. But there is nothing to be done about that.
So yes, I have had very good practice defining Love as pain and humiliation. I have always thought I was an insightful person, but to not realize, to not recongnize when I was being abused, manipulated etc is mind boggling. When they get you at an early age, what do we know? We think it is the way everyone lives! UNTIL THE PAIN ALMOST KILLS US.
But I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
It all hurts so very much sometimes as everyone here knows. But then, KNOWLEDGE does = POWER.
and for Nokeeper:
when you say” I don’t want to feel sick anymore, hate myself anymore…..” I feel for you. I felt like that for 3 years and kept going back to him, because I didn’t think anyone could really be as cruel as he was, that he didn’t really understand what he was doing to me… blah, blah.
I want to support you in not seeing him (I think that is what NC means). and if you can manage the pain, stay away. For a long time, it was more painful for me to not be with him, than to be with him even with the sick stuff he did. How we do get addicted to this! I felt like a junky on withdrawals.
Shock is what I still feel. Shock that people like this exist and are part of the human race!
so GOOD LUCK WITH THE NC. I AM PULLING FOR YOU.
and good for you that you seem to have found out sooner rather than later.
Anetsu:
Wonderful, empowering for you…..good advise “I responded to some of her texts but I do not advise that to anyone who has been a victim that cannot discern what exactly is going on.”
It’s hard to tell if someone is ready or ever ready to receive more info via a more ‘intimate’ kind of contact…..
Sometimes it’s necessary to ‘accomplish goals’, sometimes it’s best to let it be…..
I hear that your gaining info that you are empowered by, rather than being sucked in.
GOOD FOR YOU!!!!
Nokeeper:
When your ready, ready, ready……MAKE THE MOVE!
In the meantime, keep reading, posting and post some more…..you know the strength offered here!
Document, and do what you have to do to keep yourself safe, sane and intact!
Do not ever doubt yourself….stay in control, it will be okay!
Good luck….
XXOO
Akalpita:
your a sweetie…..now go wipe those tears and OWN THAT BUILDING!!!!
ErinB, I am empowered!!! And since that impromptu meeting, she STILL is trying to suck me back in…Through texts, not face to face. My empowerment began with LF and it was a shining moment when my empowerment went to the next level when I was face to face with her. As I reflect on that meeting and the ensuing text that are still coming… I have to put it in the perspective of one of Povlov’s(sp?) experiments……..this is a trained individual…….but this time I RANG THE BELL and sat back and watched her go through the motions with me already knowing her every move and final outcome. That was priceless!!!!
anetsu:
There is something about knowing their every move and becoming able to ‘predict’ what they will do next that is very handy in dealing with them.
I have heard others say they are very unpredictable….but my experience has not been like that.
My S was VERY predictable and still is, even though there is space and distance between us. I know he will never change.
‘Knowing’ him allowed me to protect from attacks on various levels…..
He always gives me a ‘heads up’ on his next move…..knowing this…..it’s even more important for me to ‘shut up’.
It cracks me up how he is so bewildered at how I know what he’s up to.
I used to tell him constantly…….you need to keep your mouth shut. “when you have nothing to say….say nothing”.
He just talks to talk….get’s carried away and exposes everything…..
This is also why I am so shocked tht I didn’t know he was selling drugs……so I know he knows ‘how’ to keep his mouth shut on one level.
But yes, knowing your ‘enemy’ is key to protecting ourselves.
I don’t know how to explain to someone how important this is…..
but obviously you get the importance and use it to your benefit.
There is nothing better than sitting back and watching them squirm and react to your ‘set up’.
Good going!!!! Keep ringing that bell!!!
ANewLily
Thank God you got away from him. He was about to kill you. My ex boyfriend is a P. The most charming, gentle, honest most reliable guy you could hope to meet ….he could look at me with truth in his eyes, he could well up and feign emotion at times…anyway he robbed me of money, car, other items material,and turned into a callous, cruel tormentor….his greatest line..”I’m just joking love….” after saying things that really hurt
I met with his sister, she told me the only reason he wasn’t physically abusive was because he knew he wouldn’t get away with it in my country (In Latvia they turn a blind eye ) but he was truly getting there as he almost had me living over there. I bought a house (in my name thank god) and was learning the language, and sending over money for him to do some work on the house…I visited every chance I got and “it appeared everything was fine” but my body was sick…I was feeling crazy, I was overly paranoid about him and other women so I began to name it..and then he began to get abusive, impatient..(because I wasn’t going along with the bullshit) He did hit me once… it was very humiliating and I blanked it out…his sister told me he was violent to his other girlfriend, and with her….she was pregnant and he kicked her in the stomach and she lost the baby (I was numb with shock…its just 2 weeks ago she told me) He also drove her out to the countryside with a “friend” stopped the car and ordered him to beat her…he dragged her out and battered her senseless…then said that will do for now…and drove back…her brother!!! did that to her!!! I have no doubt that he would have beaten me as soon as I cut ties with my own country to move to his…but something in me wouldn’t go.
I have crossed the line of doubting my self to feeling sick at the thought of him. He scares me and I have nightmares about him.
I could get him on ‘misspropriating funds’ (He used money meant for work on the house for his own selfish pursuits) which I have heard is a string of women, who he seems to use for sex and then lets them go….but he did try to marry one of them she had a very good job and a beautiful apartment..and 3 children (oh my god the damage he could do there) it didn’t happen but he will snare one of them soon and I am considering standing by and let it happen….
So is it justice i’m after? revenge? he is his own revenge, being him is revenge enough…what about the children he has access to, the women he could fool and torment over years if she marries him…what …do we just stand back and let it happen? knowing he is out there doing what he does offends my sense of all that is right in the world and breaks my heart, revenge is puny beside what he is allowed to get away with by a family of enablers, me, why? because what I haven’t the balls to go after him? It will be horrible and expensive and time consuming but please give me alternatives that could restore my peace of mind? I’m not close enough to him to be in any kind of control over the situation…I broke out of playing him long because when you look into the abyss, remember the abyss looks into you..I could devote my life to taking him down, but who is taking who down really? and getting even with what ? an entity that might shrug a bit and continue regardless…like the psychos in movies that are shot but get up again? anyone who takes the time to read this, thank you….
Stayinsane,
I have been through all those questions myself, what to do with him? Let him keep going on, freely and deceiving and hurting so many other inocent people?
Unfortunatly yes, and this is the best thing you can do for yourself. Spend your energy in healing and rebuilding. Anything you do towards him will be a waste of your time and energy and your frustrations will just grow. If you concentrate in healing and rebuilding you will feel the sense of achievement and feel empowered. If you pursue him you will achieve nothing but more frustrations and hurt. Remember they are very good in convincing people and they are capable of making you look a fool. Your best revenge is to make him feel so small , so insignificant in your life by ignoring anything about him (they hate this).
They will only keep running and unfortunately we can not protect other people. If the judicial system is not capable in protecting us, who are we to try and protect others. The S will eventually run out of places to hide..Remember they will get old and sick and they will end up lonely and miserable. If anyone comes to us and ask about them, we can say whatever we want to say, but if you go and tell other people about the S, the S will have a lot of enjoyment from that. This mean he still been able to upset you..and they love that.
Turn the corner in oposite direction..there is where your sun will shine again..
I know this is a hard thing to do but is the thing that will make you feel better. Your success is your best revenge..