Nobel laureate Elie Wiesel is just one person who has said the following: “The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference”. In other words, the opposite of love is not hate, as might have been expected. We’ve all heard this contention and been struck by it. Yes, we’ve thought, it is terrible to be ignored. (Pretty awful being hated too, of course.)
But I’m grateful to Dawn Eden for mentioning another powerful proposition.
Eden, promoting her book ‘The Thrill of the Chaste’, is currently visiting Canadian high schools.
The students seemed interested when I told them what Pope John Paul II called “the opposite of love.” It’s not hate, as some of them guessed when I asked them what they thought it would be, nor is it indifference. It’s use.
“People sometimes use people because they hate them,” I said. “But you don’t have to hate someone to use them. That’s why use is more dangerous than hate. You can use someone while fooling yourself into thinking you love them.”
On reading this I immediately thought of the life stories told at Lovefraud. This concept of love vs use seems to have much promise when it comes to making sense of life with a psychopath. For instance a minor change of the last sentence by Eden goes as follows: “You can use someone while fooling them into thinking you love them”.
Well, the socio is back. Thought he was coming back next month, but he’s back now. I saw him out at the local bar this weekend. I saw him hanging with some people that I did not know, dancing around and singing to karoke like he was happy as a lark. Then he saw me, and continued….but eventually as he saw I was with my friends and my friends were giving him dirty looks, he eventually left the room. He was visibly uncomfortable. I avoided I contact as much as possible, and I didnt stay around looking for him when he left the room. When I was ready, I went straight out the door and home. It shook me up a bit, but by the end of last nite, I was fine. And today, I’m ok. I just know now that he is infact back, and chances are that I am going to run into him. Not only at place I frequent, but during the work week as well, since he works so close and uses public transportation as I do. Everything in my life right now is great. I love my job. I moved into a new place and I love it. Minus the fact that he’s back in town, live is good. I just have to make life good even though he is here- and try not to let it mess up my hapiness.
Dear Dodged,
YOu did great! Congratulations! I do know it can be tough seeing them, seeing them act like “nothing is going on”—obviously though, he reacted as much or more so than you did. Not shame or remorse of course, but probably afraid that you would “tip his DEADLY game”—
I’m not sure what the laws are wher eyou live but in US at least in some places having unprotected sex and/or not telling your partner when you KNOW you are HIV+ is a felony, akin to attempted murder. It isn’t all that frequently enforced but some people have been put in prison for this to protect their potential partners.
Congratulations on your holding it together so well! Shows you are moving on down the healing road!
Yes, I am in the US and I know about all the laws, and it is a crime here in my area as well. It would have been his word against mine in court, so that’s why I didnt turn him in. If he had of infected me however, I would have. I wonder what does go thru his mind when he sees me- if it’s not shame or remose, what exactly does the ‘feel’. I try not to think about it much anymore because when I was trying to figure out just how he could do this and why he acts the way he does, that’s when I realized he was a sociopath, and to realize just how warped his mind is, is quite disturbing. It’s disturbing to know someone like this. It’s disturbing to know that this person KNOWS me, and KNOWS that I KNOW what he is.
BAck to the old thread of “should I warn the S’s next victim?” This puts a whole new slant on it, especially if he is having “casual” sex with others—not to warn them puts them in danger of NOT dodging the bullet. Yes, it is THEIR responsibility to practice “safer sex”—but would put ME at least in a quandry of whether or not I should warn them. Also, warning them might actually put you in DANGER from this man if his desires for sex are thwarted by your warnings to other women. It’s a mess however you look at it. I hate to thinkk the only way he can be stopped is to infect someone and then they turn him in and prosecute him.
Life is so freaking UNFAIR! The familiar cry of us all!
It is one of those “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” situations of being caught “between the devil and the deep blue sea”—I wish life’s answers were always black and white!
Once when I was picking wallpaper and paint for my new home, I would go and pick something and bring it home to look at, I was sure this was IT, then decide I didn’t like it and go back—again and again–trying to make a decision. Finally I said, “Oh, I wish there was only ONE wallpaper and ONE color paint, and I could just go in and say, “give me enough of THE wall paper and paint for a house this size” and NOT have to make a darned decision from so many choices. LOL
Anyway, I’m proud of your reaction and I hope that you are too! Good going girlie!
Dodged: If this man is HIV positive and still not having a care of his sexual relations and protecting the other person, than I believe it is your civic duty to report him somehow. Whether he infected you is not the issue anymore and I’m glad you’re okay; he is still out there most likely not being honest with other people. I’m not familiar with the laws regarding this issue but I think OxDrover is on top of that in her note.
It is disturbing to think about someone not having normal feelings and that they can forget you so easily, but we’ve seen here at LoveFraud that that is what they do best.
I would suggest focusing more on yourself and how you got to this place and how far you have come and will continue to grow.
” . . . You can use someone while fooling yourself into thinking you love them. . . .”
There is power in simplicity. And this helps explain how the sociopath fools everybody: By deceiving themselves they better perpetuate their fraud on others.
This is what makes them dangerous and POWERFUL. They forcefully project their (false) perspective onto everyone else around them and hence bamboozle all.
It is very hard to break free from the spell they cast.
I’m reading “Trauma Bonding” right now and it shows very succintly and comprehensively how & why it is so hard to break free and not repeat the past.
Sadly, it is not all “them.” But the fact it is in part “us” is empowering–to give up all the past abuse and overcome our failures NOT to relive it!
The opposite of Love . . .
When you love someone you care about THEIR wellbeing. You want THEM TO BE HAPPY, NOT to SUFFER, to ACHIEVE THEIR DREAMS ETC.
The opposite would be NOT CARING about THEIR well being. NOT CARING IF THEY SUFFER, IT THEY ARE UNHAPPY, IF THEY ACHIEVE THEIR DREAMS ETC.
When you have a relationship with someone, and are don’t care about their suffering, happiness, achieving their dreams & desires etc., you are EXPLOITING them.
So in my opinion the OPPOSITE OF LOVE is EXPLOITATION.
And aren’t Narcissists/Psychopaths/ASPD’s/ Sociopaths just great at EXPLOITATION?
Warrior:
“It is disturbing to think about someone not having normal feelings and that they can forget you so easily, but we’ve seen here at LoveFraud that that is what they do best. “
But then why do they come back? I don’t get that one, at all. If they don’t have feelings and they can forget you, why do they bother returning?
Orphan,
When they OWN YOU, they consider you property, OR, when they no longer have anyone else, and they want to get LAID TONIGHT, they call up the “old GF” to see if they can “sweet talk her into a poke, or a place to live or a little money.”
THAT’s WHY THEY COME BACK–plus it gives them the satisfacting of knowing taht no matter how bad they were to you last time they can sTill PULL THE WOOL OVER YOUR EYES.
My mother was so surprised when the DIL and the THpP were arrested—“But they were so respectful to me!” she screamed incredilously.
I said, “they were trying to con money out of you, did you expect them to say “give me money you old bitch? How much would you have given them then?” LOL She really BELIEVED because they were “so respectful” to her. LOL ROTFL, but I was a LIAR BECAUSE I SCREAMED, “THEY ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF YOU!”
“Shows to go you, huh?” (sic)
LilOrphan:
But then why do they come back?
They come back when their current well runs dry. They come back with they “need” something. That need may be power, dominance, control, money, possessions, sex, companionship, etc. They are very selfish and they return ONLY for their own benefit, not because they love or miss us. When they become bored (and they will, because they need excitement and stimulation) they will leave again. And again. Until you set the boundary and say NO MORE…and go NC. They are void of any real love, emotions, or normal human connections and bonding. Everything with the Sociopath is an agenda…”what can I get” or “what can that person DO for me”.