Lovefraud recently received a letter from a woman who we’ll call Valerie. She met her husband, who we’ll call Dylan, at age 18, and has been with him for seven years. She thought they were happy together in their wonderful home with their family of pets.
Suddenly Dylan started acting erratically. He said he didn’t want to be with Valerie any more. He picked fights. She asked Dylan to leave, but made it clear that she was willing to do whatever was necessary to help him. So he left, and wouldn’t tell her where he was. Eventually, Valerie’s intuition told her to check her husband’s Facebook page, where she found Dylan’s love letters to another woman.
Then Valerie found how Dylan described himself on another website. Here’s what he wrote:
My name is Dylan and I believe in Chaos, destruction and murder. I will contradict myself but I don’t think that should make me a hypocrite. I hone my strengths and hide my weaknesses because only the strong will survive. I lie, cheat and steal. But only if it’s the most intelligent plan of action; & only the stupid get caught. I’m fighting a personal rebellion I can’t justify. I’m losing my mind, my friends and my morals with each passing day, but each day I pass leads me closer to finding myself. I would rather live my life in surrender to temptation than to deny my natural instincts. I never hurt those who do not hurt me first, I don’t believe in physical confrontation but as in eastern philosophy I am trained to engage in it, if for nothing more than the practice of strengthening the bond between mind and body.
I know who I am, but not where I am, or why I am here. I find Art to be the only voice of reason in a place otherwise inhabited by counter-production. I promote sex, but lack emotion, I hate addicts but I believe in drugs, I make music but I destroy everything else. I bore easily but I am doomed to repeat myself.
My name is Dylan and this is only the beginning.
Whoa! Did this guy just write the sociopath manifesto?
I don’t know if Dylan is truly describing himself—apparently he’s got some kind of hardcore band and perhaps he wrote the above statement for its shock value. Still, is it possible to even come up with these ideas if he didn’t experience the state of mind that they imply?
Fundamentally different
The truly scary thing about sociopaths is that they are fundamentally different from the rest of us. They do not want what we want. They do not value what we value.
Normal human beings want affection, cooperation and achievement. We want to care about others and contribute to life. Sociopaths want power, control and sex, and they’ll destroy anyone and anything to get what they want.
But sociopaths look like us and appear to act like us. That’s why they are so hard to identify. It’s also why people who have not experienced their manipulation up close and personal find it so difficult to believe us. The uninitiated—those lucky souls who have not been devastated by a sociopath—have yet to learn that there are people in the world for whom proclamations of love, truth and promises are nothing but tactics in a power game.
Everything changes
This is the bottom line: Dealing with a sociopath changes everything. Normal human courtesies do not apply. Social protocols do not apply. Rules do not apply. Contracts do not apply. Laws do not apply.
If we find that we are interacting with a sociopath, the best thing we can do is get the person out of our lives. When that is not possible, we need to be on mental red alert at all times and understand that anything the person says may be a lie. We need to know that for the sociopath, we are not a friend, or a lover, or a relative, or a co-worker. For a sociopath, all we are is a target.
And Jim, nice to hear from you again. Pictured you today beneath the apple tree in case I fell:)! Happy to say I’m still perch upon my branch and singing my new fave song courtesy of Erin!
YAY! Joy, you rocked! i was posting on the Becker thread “aging out of soc’s” and saw your post from last wkend earlier today – about 9 a.m. – and as I went about my day, off and on here as usual for my Tuesday (!) – I was holding good thoughts for you and your hearing today.
Hoping that you’d find, and pull up on that old INSPIRATION, from somewhere, and hold yourself together throughout your ordeal.
I am so glad to hear THAT you did it and HOW you did it. Congratulations.
One hopeful word from a former step-child to a step-mom I loved very much, and was saddened when she “had to” divorce my sperm-donor father; I looked her up, and invited HER to my wedding, not HIM. We all had a great time, she and my mom got along great – and we have the polaroid of all three of us – sending him a bird! lol
If the little girl you “lost” over this has any fondness for you in the future, and isn’t embittered by your Ex-P’s boolshwah – she will look you up, I am almost certain of it.
Again, Congratulations on your win today!
🙂 🙂
Dear Joy, if he said in court that he sleeps with her, then you might call CPS and *(not give your name) juist say that you were in court and heard him say XYZ. They can get the records and at least INVESTIGATE. he may have convicted himself of bad stuff out of his own mouth!
CONGRATULATIONS!!! TOWANDA!!!! A WIN for the GOOD GUYS!!!!
Joy: Congratulations! “In the end I was professional, articulate, able to elaborate with dates and facts and records and what ever was needed to prove he was a liar.” FABULOUS!!
Rune –
So sorry, off for about a week, had not seen your 6/02 post to me. Irony is, I bought it! Snakes in Suits, the issue came regarding a case and it’s on the way.
Thanks for the confirmation, the reviews were mixed so I was not sure it was worth it but now look forward to getting it.
Realwife, Thank you for that hope. I promised her that we would take a trip when she turned 18. That I would get her a passport and we would celebrate. She was overjoyed to hear that. And I told her every year on your birthday and Christmas know that money is going in an account for that trip since you won’t hear from me. To watch travel shows and dream of where she would like to go. And that I would never swim with dolphins until we did it together as that is a big dream of hers. So Yes, I hope one day to have her back. And she knows how to find me as I will keep her dad’s last name, and it is very uncommon. But I doubt that it will happen. In a matter of days, her dad trained her to stop calling me Mom. But your story gave me hope. I was in her life from ages 8-10 daily and occasionally over this past year. I hope I made an impact.
Oxy, He lied and said he only bathed her when she first came as her Mom had not taught her hygiene. He refused to let me teach her. 2 years after she came he was still teaching her to bathe. But he didn’t admit it, and my lawyer didn’t want to go there. He also stated “What single dad turns a daugther away when she has a bad dream and wants to crawl in bed? Well she never comes from her room as she never sleeps it in it. My whole family knows for a fact that she starts in Daddys bed and ends in Daddy’s bed night after night. The only time she was turned out of it was when I slept there and then she was put in the second bed in the same room not her room across the hall.
CPS didn’t want to investigate. States that even if he is sleeping with and bathing her at 11 that is not proof of abuse. And they won’t question the child or investigate until she says that dad is touching her.
Shabbychic. Thanks for your support.
Dearest Rune, kathy, and especially Oxdrover! Thank you all so MUCH! I think, after some 27 years, I am finally ‘getting it” This evening, Oxy, I happened on your post no.81, to Kindheart, “These people are not going to change. PERIOD.’ Your so right about constantly hitting your thumb with a hammer, and then complaining about the pain! For so long, I have asked “Why? Why has daughter no. 2 not seen me for 17 years, and never ever, allowed me to meet her 3 kids? Today I discovered a letter I wrote to her in 1995, pleading with her to let us bury the hatchet, and kiss and make up. I last saw her on her Birthday in feb,1993. I took her to lunch at an exclusive club I belonged to then, w had smoked salmon, salad, champagne. I gave her A$1,000 from my late mothers estate, plus mums gold bracelet, some matching gold earrings, a sheaf of spring flowers,and some Yves St. laurent perfume. After lunch, she hada swim in the club pool, kissed me on the cheek, thanked me, and I havent seen her since!. Three weeks after that lunch, I got an abusive letter from her saying I was an unfit Mother, and she didnt wish to se me again. I still to this day dont know what Im supposed to have done, but I do know she was having Hypnotherapy, and all I can think of is “False memory syndrome”She was also anorexic then. . I found a second letter which I wrote to her after the birth of her baby son,pleading with her to let me see him. That son is now 13, and I have NEVER seen him. She now has two other children. I have never seen them,either.
she lives with a very rich Jewish boy, whose mum gives her everything material, a 3 million home, cars, pays school fees, etc. david and I have been wiped off the map. My other daughter is really no better, she only uses me. she only ever rings me up when she is in trouble financially and needs cash, otherwise I never hear from her. I wrote to her over 2 weks ago to say the Mum bank is now closed, she reacted by removing me from facebook, and i havent heard from her since. she is bad news, her ex husband is suffering from depression, and 2 of her ex boyfriends had nervous breakdowns after they parted. She is BAD NEWS! this time, having the back up of you wonderful people, Im determined to stick it out, _NO CONTACT! I feel Deb is deeply toxic to me, I suppose I still love her, but I dislike my 2 girls intensely. {Not girls now, they are 43 and 45! Oxy, you are like a refreshing bucket of COLD WATER! and that water is the water of life, truth, and new hope! Thank you, I can do this! Maia. {geminigirl.}
Dear Geminigirl,
Sweetie, it takes some ofus old bats a long time to get it about what we are dealing with because we DO love our children…we want the best for them and hope that they feel that way about us. But the good thing is that when we FINALLY get it, we don’t go back on it, and the peace seems to finally come upon us to STAY. The affectionat “love” that we feel for the “children” (to me) is gone, and I don’t miss it like I did the “fantasy” love I imagined they had for me.
I am done hitting myself with a hammer and gosh, how wonderful life is. You have been blessed to have your wonderful David and I am so happy for you. when God closes one door, Her opens the window to a new opportunity and blessing! (((hugs))))
Oxy, Thank you once again.You are one hell of a woman! You are such an inspiration to me, -I guess if you can lick this and have a happy, serene and productive life, I can do it too! tell me, does it get easier? And is NC the secret? I find that now Im trying to come to terms with all the hurt,& craziness, that frozen memories are resurfacing quite quickly, so in a way its more painful, but in a good way, if that makes sense! Its as if Ive been suffering from PTSD for years and years.I had to leave my ex as I was severely bashedin the face, and hospitalised. A wonderful male friend, whom I hadnt slept with but who was in love with me, took me to live with him, and lovingly nursed me back to health. This was in1981. he was very rich, but I didnt love him, but Im very grateful to him. Whilest I was convalescing at his mansion, I was getting phone calls from Claire, saying,”Dads crying, Bentleythe dachshund is crying and getting thin, Pansy,{the siamese} is on hunger strike,y ouve got to come home!”{Emotional blackmail, big time!} Well, against my better judgement I DID go home, still bruised and shaken. The next day, Peter said to the girls, then aged 17 and 19, “Well have to knock Mum back into line, wont we, girls?” When I heard that, I knew there was no hope for me in that house of hell.
The girls jeered at me, refused to let me choose TV programmes,and when I begged deb to let me have her bed so that I wouldnt have to share a bed with peter, she said, “No way,bitch!” Two years later, in dec. 1982, i did leave him and set up in a tiny furnished flat. It was Heaven! Quiet, peaceful, no dramas, no trauma,{altho it nearly killed me to leave the girls, but they obvioulsy didnt miss me at all.} Six months later, I met my darling Davidthrough my landladys sister, Trisha. She had a match making dinner party for me, to meet her divorced neighbor, David, who was then 50. I though the was so gorgeous! he was a real gentleman, quiet, kind, with a sense of humour. he had the unit next door to trisha, and he had me over once a week for dinner. I noticed how homey and tidy his flat was. he cooked me shepherds pie every week,{it was all he could cook then!} Six months later, he said,”Now, Maia, Im worried about you ,I dont think your eating properly, and Id like you to move in with me, so that I can look after you”. I was against it, as I didnt want to be “rescued”, but he persisted. A year later, we were married, 21st july, 1984.he is the kindest, sweetest man, quiet,a gentleman. I didnt think men like this still existed! he is from new Zealand.Poor trisha died of liver cancer 6 months after she introduced me to David, Im forever grateful to her, I think it was fate.The girls were bridesmaids at my wedding and all seemed OK for a while.I still dont know why claire has rejected me.Love and {{HUgs!}} Maia. {geminigirl}
I’m jealous of you finding “David”. He is the only one on the planet earth and you got him!
Your Claire is probably a psychopath too. I just found out my daughter is one and I have gone no contact. ( yes NC is “the secret”). I know! Its DIFFERENT when its your kids….but you know something geminigirl?
Its NOT!!