Lovefraud recently received a letter from a woman who we’ll call Valerie. She met her husband, who we’ll call Dylan, at age 18, and has been with him for seven years. She thought they were happy together in their wonderful home with their family of pets.
Suddenly Dylan started acting erratically. He said he didn’t want to be with Valerie any more. He picked fights. She asked Dylan to leave, but made it clear that she was willing to do whatever was necessary to help him. So he left, and wouldn’t tell her where he was. Eventually, Valerie’s intuition told her to check her husband’s Facebook page, where she found Dylan’s love letters to another woman.
Then Valerie found how Dylan described himself on another website. Here’s what he wrote:
My name is Dylan and I believe in Chaos, destruction and murder. I will contradict myself but I don’t think that should make me a hypocrite. I hone my strengths and hide my weaknesses because only the strong will survive. I lie, cheat and steal. But only if it’s the most intelligent plan of action; & only the stupid get caught. I’m fighting a personal rebellion I can’t justify. I’m losing my mind, my friends and my morals with each passing day, but each day I pass leads me closer to finding myself. I would rather live my life in surrender to temptation than to deny my natural instincts. I never hurt those who do not hurt me first, I don’t believe in physical confrontation but as in eastern philosophy I am trained to engage in it, if for nothing more than the practice of strengthening the bond between mind and body.
I know who I am, but not where I am, or why I am here. I find Art to be the only voice of reason in a place otherwise inhabited by counter-production. I promote sex, but lack emotion, I hate addicts but I believe in drugs, I make music but I destroy everything else. I bore easily but I am doomed to repeat myself.
My name is Dylan and this is only the beginning.
Whoa! Did this guy just write the sociopath manifesto?
I don’t know if Dylan is truly describing himself—apparently he’s got some kind of hardcore band and perhaps he wrote the above statement for its shock value. Still, is it possible to even come up with these ideas if he didn’t experience the state of mind that they imply?
Fundamentally different
The truly scary thing about sociopaths is that they are fundamentally different from the rest of us. They do not want what we want. They do not value what we value.
Normal human beings want affection, cooperation and achievement. We want to care about others and contribute to life. Sociopaths want power, control and sex, and they’ll destroy anyone and anything to get what they want.
But sociopaths look like us and appear to act like us. That’s why they are so hard to identify. It’s also why people who have not experienced their manipulation up close and personal find it so difficult to believe us. The uninitiated—those lucky souls who have not been devastated by a sociopath—have yet to learn that there are people in the world for whom proclamations of love, truth and promises are nothing but tactics in a power game.
Everything changes
This is the bottom line: Dealing with a sociopath changes everything. Normal human courtesies do not apply. Social protocols do not apply. Rules do not apply. Contracts do not apply. Laws do not apply.
If we find that we are interacting with a sociopath, the best thing we can do is get the person out of our lives. When that is not possible, we need to be on mental red alert at all times and understand that anything the person says may be a lie. We need to know that for the sociopath, we are not a friend, or a lover, or a relative, or a co-worker. For a sociopath, all we are is a target.
Thank you Tilly! Its so hard to accept that these lovely, cute kids that we gave birth to have turned into these hard,controlling, superficial, snobby, unfeeling B—hes! I think Oxy is right, its best to remember them as these sweet loving children,{up to the age of 15m 16, or so,} and them realise they have morphed somehow into people you dont even recognise and wouldnt want to have anything to do with if you werent related.I remember , after id left that hellish “home”, and set up on my own in this tiny flat, [before I met David}, I had the girls over for Sundy lunch every weekend. After lunch on this day, Claire was tired, and I told her to lie down on my bed and have a little sleep, which she did. She looked so beautiful, lying there with her lovely long blonde hair, that I lay down beside her. I hugged her, and started to cry. Tears were rolling down my face, and mingling with her hair. She woke up and said,”For Gods sake, what are you doing,? Get off! Youre wetting my hair!” {I kid you not!!}A couple of months later, I developed an abcess in a tooth, under a root canal. very painful, my face swelled up like a Hamster. I rang my ex, and he agreed to pay for half of th dental bill, around A$200- The next day, a furious claire rang me. “How dare you ask dad to pay your dental bill! he owes you nothing! pay it yourself!” can you even believe such callousness? I have long ago forgiven Peter, even though he bashed me, the girls have treated me way worse than he ever did! he even wrote to me a few yers ago, and said”Treat them,{the girls} with the same callous indifference with which they treat you!” So, he knows what they are like.When his new wife, Barbara heard that Deb had banned me from Debs wedding,Barb rang me up to say,”I cant stand either of your girls. Im going to take lots of photos at the wedding, and Ill post them to you. She also said. “Im letting everyone there know that you werent invited, and Im only going for one reason, to support Peter.” she was as good as her word. She told me that Deb wanted people at the weding to think that I had boycotted it, but Barb was at pains to tell everyone she met that Id been banned from attending, but that Deb had sent david an invitation! Naturally, he didnt go!} When David and I got married, our joint present from the girls was, 4 small chinese bowls, the kind that sell for around $1.50, still wrapped in newspaper! No card. Cost them at most $4,– between them! Claire, at that time 19, accepted a lift there from her boyfriends parents. They gave me a beautiful Noritake vase, thinking she use my wedding to announce her engagement to their son. Claire told me,”No way! Im going to dump him next week. I only delayed it, so Id get a lift to your wedding!” can you believe such callousness! How did I give birth to girls such as they are?
Oxy. I have another question. is it normal to feel worse than usual when you start to make positive, life affirming choices for yourself? It seems as if a lot of very painful, “frozen’ memories that Id blocked out, are starting to resurface, even in dreams. They are coming in thick and fast, faster than I can attempt to process them, along with the same old side effects, thumping heart, dry mouth,fear,sadness, false guilt, false shame. At least I now know they are false and musnt second guess myself. Then anger rises in my throat to the point where I feel its choking me. Anger at myself , mainly,for putting up with this sh-t for so long. I have to remember to be kind to myself, and remember I was so scared, cowed and beaten down that its a wonder I pulled this courage out of my guts, and left my ex. {I was also leaving my girls, Id also been beaten by deb, and shed trashed my art studio twice and wrecked my home after a drunken party}.Ive had to swallow down all this anger and rage for so long, just to get to see debs three precious kids.She has used them like a bargaining chip since they were born.I guess all this will pass if I give myself time, and NO CONTACT
Gemini – I am sure Oxy will be here soon to give you her wonderful advice, but I just wanted to say that I relate to what you describe here – the things that have surfaced for me go way beyond this recent encounter with the S/P – I have ‘woken up’ to myself and all of the negative and abusive people I have had in my life including parents and siblings its a lot to work on. I tell you, the layers and layers of things coming up seem to be unending- clear one and it reveals another. but it is long over due.
(Someone on here once used the term internal/emotional weeding, love that analogy – its a big job when the gardens been neglected for so long)
Making positive steps for myself has had a knock on effect in EVERY aspect of my life… MY life… there is a lot I simply CANNOT and will not put up with anymore … i know this is all very good for me, and my life can only change for the better with this process…but it IS a painful and exhausting METAMORPHOSIS with what seems to be a sliding deadline for completion:)
being gentle and kind to yourself is more important and less ‘fluffy’ than it sounds… I have held my own hand when I have been scared and alone, hugged and loved and forgiven myself, allowed myself to take as long as I need, do things that are good for me ect. It REALLY works.
Try not to beat yourself up.You sound amazing. you are a survivor. you a brave woman who is now FREE,. free to begin to build the life she wants for herself and deserves.
I get a LOT of strength here on my bad days… xxxx
Thank you so much, “Blueskies!I really appreciate your feed back! No one really understands, do they unless theyve been there? And there are so few people we can unburden ourselves to, or even want to. No-one else would believe us, anyway! This website is so great, filled with wonderful courageous ladies,{and maybe a few guys too!}Like you, Im determined now never to go back to the person I was, I am worth so much more than that.I grieve for my lost children, but they are GONE and wont be coming back! Was it a husband with you, or your kids? neither of my 2 brothers talk to me now, either. They both live in England, and are such chauvinists, especially Robert, who is now 68. he actually told me off for crying at my Mums funeral! I flew out from Australia to see her, and she died while I was on the plane.
Actually its them I feel sorry for, thy are so screwed up.Ive tried to bury the hatchet with both of them, but neither has responded in17 years, so its their loss!Thanks again, take care of yourself! Much Love, Maia.{geminigirl}
Also. its a bit like peeling layers off an onion,each layer of pain reveals another. Must be a huge onion! I guess it takes as long as it takes and I must trust the process, and trust God.
You are right – we have to be our own best friends and validators in this, even well meaning friends who care cannot really understand the damage, unless they’ve been through it.
🙂 With me it was an imaginary future husband (I am giggling at myself as I write that- a good sign surely!) who turned out to be a disgusting sleezy liar sexual predator dangerous mind f***king creepazoid with delusions of grandeur, who nearly destroyed me – but in the process helped(hmmm not sure that is really the word to use…) me to finally understand that my Narcissistic physically and mentally abusive Mother, father and sister have been moulding me into a good little co-dependant victim since the day I was born and I was just ripe for the picking! I have spent my life being shaped into an all you can eat sociopath’s buffet by the people who were supposed to love and care for me. It’s a BIG onion!;)xx I am so glad you have found my feedback helpful:) made my day:)xxx
Thank you so much, darling girl! Love you! Maia. {geminigirl]
I think my Mother was toxic too, I adored her, but she was very manipulative. I think she actually prevented me from getting to know my dad, as he was HER dad figure.I also think she damaged my brothers,as she was always comparing them, {ie, Billy was the aristocrat, Robert was the peasant.} Rob was a very sensitive little boy, and I think she screwed up both my brothers, big time.Love, Maia.
I just wanted to add that this is not about ‘blaming’ others for my misfortune… I cant quite describe things properly…that is a mentality I am not comfortable with…but really trying things for what they are… what they REALLY were… and understanding how I have behaved or reacted to them in the past… understanding why that was, forgiving myself… becoming the captain of my own ship:)x
oops – I just posted over you:) THANKS MIA!:)xx
For example; my older sister just had her first child,( I have two who my sister has shown ZERO interest in over the years. My father died suddenly (choked) two months after my second was born, my relationship with the father broke down and I was COMPLETELY alone,extremely vulnerable. At the time the sister, instead of helping or supporting, did her best to further isolate me ostracize me, using my ‘low’ as an excuse to ‘step’ on me.) Now this lovely new person has arrived, I am happy for her, but I have been denied access, am not ‘allowed’ to see the babe, my children are not invited to meet their new cousin. My mother (who had her first child taken into care and then made out like she never existed) is ‘acting’ like the devoted grandmother but calling me every 5 minutes to tell me how ‘badly’ my sister is coping with the baby, asking for advice … Its NUTS! before this experience with the s/p I would have been upset, hurt, confused, taken this weird control thing personally, wondered what I did wrong, how they could be so cruel, tried to help, given advice to my mother for helping my sister… but now I just see them as this tornado of drama and control that if I even TOUCH will drag me into a place that is completely crazy-making. It has been their game for years. I have been in a constant rinse and spin cycle, used as the fall guy in their dramas and nonsense… BUT not any more. I cannot divorce my family, or go literally no contact right now at least, but I am emotionally no contact with any of this kind of BS. ‘Good’ girl blueskies or ‘Bad’ girl blueskies (it depends on the weather with them I think), its all the same to me: NOTHING… I am captain of my own ship and I sail it in peace and my own sunshine….Thank you creepazoid:)