Lovefraud recently received a letter from a woman who we’ll call Valerie. She met her husband, who we’ll call Dylan, at age 18, and has been with him for seven years. She thought they were happy together in their wonderful home with their family of pets.
Suddenly Dylan started acting erratically. He said he didn’t want to be with Valerie any more. He picked fights. She asked Dylan to leave, but made it clear that she was willing to do whatever was necessary to help him. So he left, and wouldn’t tell her where he was. Eventually, Valerie’s intuition told her to check her husband’s Facebook page, where she found Dylan’s love letters to another woman.
Then Valerie found how Dylan described himself on another website. Here’s what he wrote:
My name is Dylan and I believe in Chaos, destruction and murder. I will contradict myself but I don’t think that should make me a hypocrite. I hone my strengths and hide my weaknesses because only the strong will survive. I lie, cheat and steal. But only if it’s the most intelligent plan of action; & only the stupid get caught. I’m fighting a personal rebellion I can’t justify. I’m losing my mind, my friends and my morals with each passing day, but each day I pass leads me closer to finding myself. I would rather live my life in surrender to temptation than to deny my natural instincts. I never hurt those who do not hurt me first, I don’t believe in physical confrontation but as in eastern philosophy I am trained to engage in it, if for nothing more than the practice of strengthening the bond between mind and body.
I know who I am, but not where I am, or why I am here. I find Art to be the only voice of reason in a place otherwise inhabited by counter-production. I promote sex, but lack emotion, I hate addicts but I believe in drugs, I make music but I destroy everything else. I bore easily but I am doomed to repeat myself.
My name is Dylan and this is only the beginning.
Whoa! Did this guy just write the sociopath manifesto?
I don’t know if Dylan is truly describing himself—apparently he’s got some kind of hardcore band and perhaps he wrote the above statement for its shock value. Still, is it possible to even come up with these ideas if he didn’t experience the state of mind that they imply?
Fundamentally different
The truly scary thing about sociopaths is that they are fundamentally different from the rest of us. They do not want what we want. They do not value what we value.
Normal human beings want affection, cooperation and achievement. We want to care about others and contribute to life. Sociopaths want power, control and sex, and they’ll destroy anyone and anything to get what they want.
But sociopaths look like us and appear to act like us. That’s why they are so hard to identify. It’s also why people who have not experienced their manipulation up close and personal find it so difficult to believe us. The uninitiated—those lucky souls who have not been devastated by a sociopath—have yet to learn that there are people in the world for whom proclamations of love, truth and promises are nothing but tactics in a power game.
Everything changes
This is the bottom line: Dealing with a sociopath changes everything. Normal human courtesies do not apply. Social protocols do not apply. Rules do not apply. Contracts do not apply. Laws do not apply.
If we find that we are interacting with a sociopath, the best thing we can do is get the person out of our lives. When that is not possible, we need to be on mental red alert at all times and understand that anything the person says may be a lie. We need to know that for the sociopath, we are not a friend, or a lover, or a relative, or a co-worker. For a sociopath, all we are is a target.
Tilly and shabbychic2
“Hang in there, if you wait a few days we can all run away together”
Count me in!
We do have our good days and then those “not so good days”. And to think this current US economic situation isn’t helping as well.
Thanks OxDrover,
I knew a woman who’s husband also show signs that pointed more to SPD (Schizotypal Personality Disorder) then PD. Her husband was very physically and emotionally (distance cold) abusive toward her and then her having an emotional affair with a person online that did turn out to be a PD didn’t help matters much with her marriage. Sorry to say but because of his personal mental problems and her infidelity it destroy their relationship/marriage. I often wonder how she is doing having lost contact with her as well. I was contacted by her because of some of my post concerning this issue. I did what I could to help and gave her as much information that I had at the time. But in the end each one of us must take full responsibility for ourselves and our actions.
What the saying? God helps those that help themselves…
Hope you have a good day! 🙂
My experience with the psychopath has been one of the greatest lessons in my life. I recently saw my ex-boyfriend–as we belong to the same sports club–and felt sadness for him. He is a defective human being. It pains me to say such a thing but it’s true.
During our last meeting he said he doesn’t cheat with married women because he doesn’t want to hurt anyone! I reminded him that he told me he was with his next girlfriend for six weeks–which meant he dated her while he was still with me! He look absolutely puzzled at this comment! He lies so much he can’t remember it all!
I recently read “Women Who Love Psychopaths” and it has helped me understand how my temperment and characteristics that make me a successful social worker cause vulnerability toward these men. I love to be with outgoing, exciting, charming, witty, intelligent, successful men. I’m attracted to high energy. I could also describe myself with those characteristics. However, ‘m a human being.
But I’m fishing in a pool of men that includes psychopaths. But not everyone described above is a psychopath. I am learning to be more discriminating.
I met with a psychopath in my teens who is spending his life in prison. From that experience I was able to pick up on men who might do physical violence to me. My radar in that capacity has proven beneficial. Now, I’m learning to pick up on men who might do emotional harm to me.
In my young years I thought no physcial harm would ever come to me because I was too nice a person. My mother taught me to treat others as I wanted to be treated. I assumed that meant other people learned that same lesson. I was innocent of the ways of the world. My parents were overprotective to shield me from harm. But that increased my risks.
I am not going to change the wonderful qualities that make me who I am. But I will learn to be less vulnerable to men who lack any humanity. Another book that has been helpful is “Something More: Excavating Your Authentic Self.” I deserve to be treated respectfully. I will not betray myself again by allowing any man to treat me badly. And if a man makes me feel bad twice–whether I’m with him or not–then he’s got to be history. Or herstory. Or hystory. (lol)
I recently had another encounter with a psychopath I met online. Internet dating has to be the psychopath’s dreamworld. That relationship lasted 10 days and not the two years of the previous boyfriend. My previous boyfriend lived out of town which made it easy for him to hide his true self. Once he moved five minutes from me his true self was fully revealed. My new rule is the first time he lies then I don’t want to see him again.
The 10 day psychopathic event was ended because I out-clevered the guy. But then he made it very easy. All I had to do was “just see.” Fortunately, it ended before I could be more bonded to him. (Great info in the book about how women bond but the psychopath only attaches.)
I also found the information on seduction techniques extremely helpful. I’ll be careful about future dates who try to seduce me. I’ve been encouraged to have sex but never seduced. Until my last date…! Just as people can’t understand the psychopath unless they’ve encountered one, I think people can’t really know seduction unless they’ve actually encountered a seducer. I wished I’d read that before my last date! I’ll just try to remember it as an extremely great time not to be repeated again.
Anyway, I must say that everyone should read “Women Who Love Psychopaths”!
Namaste.
Dear Morgan,
“The first time they lie to me they are history”
That is a VERY SMART CHOICE on your part! I not only apply this to “men” but to ANYONE in my life.
You are also right I think, in the book “Women who love Psychopaths” I think it answers the questions we all must have about “why me?”
I am reading a book now “Wolves in Sheeps clothing” about abusive people, he is actually talking about psychopaths, but calls them AGGRESSIVE (which is a great term for psychopaths that anyoen can understand) and sub divides them into OVERT-AGGRESSORS and COVERT-AGGRESSERS, and that too, I think is quite valid.
He postulates that the “aggression” of these people is to “get what they want” and he says some only “don’t care” if they hurt you in getting what they are “self-entitled” to, but others get off on “hurting you” in the process (either that or your pain is what they are aggressing to get) and he pretty well covers the spectrum.
In a way, I think it might be a good way to “label” the Ps becasuse with the professionals fighting over what to call them they are confusing the people. I suspect that there are too many narcissistic professionals who are trying to “win” in the “name the critter” game and the poor public gets confused into thinnking only serial killers are psychopaths, but just about anyone can grasp that a person is “aggressive” either overtly or covertly to get what they feel entitled to.
It’s a good read and I highly recommend it along with “Women who Love Psychopaths” to help clear up what is going on with them, and HOW they operate. He gives some great examples in “Wolves” of not just the top dog P, but the underhanded, under the radar abuser who is “Mr./Ms. Nice.”
Glad to see you back, Morgan. GOOD POST!!!
newlife08. OxDrover, Rosa and All:
Thanks for the concern over my being MIA.
Have been dealing with a very ill parent this last week. Am sitting in the waiting room outside the surgical wing as I type. Am absolutely exhausted. Will try to touch base in the next couple of days.
Women Who Love Psychopaths did more for me than any book I have ever read. It so well explains the bonding/attachment process and fully relieves ones guilt that she is somehow to blame.
Been off awhile because this debacle left me in danger or losing my home, and I’ve just been working until my eyes cross. Now dealing with a few new situations: an ex-b S who has custody of a gal’s kids and the CPS folks conned, and a business S.
The guy who was his victim is devastated, never had anything like this happen to him. Saw a book “Snakes in Suits”, looked on point. Anyone read it?
Once aware of the syndrome, I pick up on it, hopefully not too often. With the ex-B S, there was a meeting where we talked about the most awful things, and his expression never changed. Not a glimmer of emotion.
And Matt, if you’re still around, your letter is in my purse, ready to go. Thank you Counselor!
Matt:
There you are!! I was missing you! I had a feeling you were taking care of your Mom.
Blessings & prayers to you, Matt.
Matt, great to see you post. Sorry you aren’t feet in the sand enjoying yourself somewhere. My prayers to you and your family. May you find peace and strength to get you through it. Hugs and love from your LF friend.
Morgan, just last night I ended a new friendship with a guy who lied to me just once about something ridiculous. This after a conversation where I told him honesty is an absolute must with me and a 24 hr a day expectation. So he quickly found himself deleted from my facebook, phone, and life. Gone and no harm done. Over reacting maybe but better self than sorry is my motto now. If you are making me feel bad or causing my gut to clench “BUBYE, Loser” ain’t got time for that!
Thanks for all the book recommendations. I think I’ll spend the summer reading as guys are totally a pain in my butt and I’m tired of dramarama. A dude free summer is my plan.
Dear Joy,
I think that is a great idea about “no dating” for a while. I have seen so many people (and me myself) who try to get back into dating, thinking we are doing “fine” when in reality we are still HEALING and need some more time with ourselves.
A new relationship takes TIME AND ENERGY and since both time and energy are finite things, I think the better choice is to focus ALL our time and energy on OURSELVES.
I am learning (finally in my old age) to focus my time and energy on things that are IMPORTANT rather than on less important things. It is EASY to let unimportant things DISTRACT us from our own healing. While I think ALL or at least most of us would like to have a CLOSE, GOOD RELATIONSHIP in our lives, there isn’t much chance of acheiving that UNTIL WE ARE WHOLE WITHOUT IT.
A relationship doesn’t make us whole, it should be TWO WHOLE people making up a couple, rather than two half people trying to make a whole person. Unfortunately when we are not WHOLE in ourselves, we see the “relationship’a s a way to make ourselves “whole” but it never works that way, we lower our expectations and get trapped again with a P.
I am SO PROUD OF AND FOR YOU for ditching this guy pronto for ONE LIE. GREAT!!!!! TOWANDA!!!!
I literally made a “deal breaker” list of what I would not tolerate, and LIES, EVEN ONE, tops the list. Not only with men (if I ever get asked out on a date again! LOL) but in anyone close to me.
I’m glad to see you making progress! (((hugs))))
Used Abused:
We have written about Snakes in Suits:
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2006/06/25/psychopaths-in-the-executive-suite/