Lovefraud recently received a letter from a woman who we’ll call Valerie. She met her husband, who we’ll call Dylan, at age 18, and has been with him for seven years. She thought they were happy together in their wonderful home with their family of pets.
Suddenly Dylan started acting erratically. He said he didn’t want to be with Valerie any more. He picked fights. She asked Dylan to leave, but made it clear that she was willing to do whatever was necessary to help him. So he left, and wouldn’t tell her where he was. Eventually, Valerie’s intuition told her to check her husband’s Facebook page, where she found Dylan’s love letters to another woman.
Then Valerie found how Dylan described himself on another website. Here’s what he wrote:
My name is Dylan and I believe in Chaos, destruction and murder. I will contradict myself but I don’t think that should make me a hypocrite. I hone my strengths and hide my weaknesses because only the strong will survive. I lie, cheat and steal. But only if it’s the most intelligent plan of action; & only the stupid get caught. I’m fighting a personal rebellion I can’t justify. I’m losing my mind, my friends and my morals with each passing day, but each day I pass leads me closer to finding myself. I would rather live my life in surrender to temptation than to deny my natural instincts. I never hurt those who do not hurt me first, I don’t believe in physical confrontation but as in eastern philosophy I am trained to engage in it, if for nothing more than the practice of strengthening the bond between mind and body.
I know who I am, but not where I am, or why I am here. I find Art to be the only voice of reason in a place otherwise inhabited by counter-production. I promote sex, but lack emotion, I hate addicts but I believe in drugs, I make music but I destroy everything else. I bore easily but I am doomed to repeat myself.
My name is Dylan and this is only the beginning.
Whoa! Did this guy just write the sociopath manifesto?
I don’t know if Dylan is truly describing himself—apparently he’s got some kind of hardcore band and perhaps he wrote the above statement for its shock value. Still, is it possible to even come up with these ideas if he didn’t experience the state of mind that they imply?
Fundamentally different
The truly scary thing about sociopaths is that they are fundamentally different from the rest of us. They do not want what we want. They do not value what we value.
Normal human beings want affection, cooperation and achievement. We want to care about others and contribute to life. Sociopaths want power, control and sex, and they’ll destroy anyone and anything to get what they want.
But sociopaths look like us and appear to act like us. That’s why they are so hard to identify. It’s also why people who have not experienced their manipulation up close and personal find it so difficult to believe us. The uninitiated—those lucky souls who have not been devastated by a sociopath—have yet to learn that there are people in the world for whom proclamations of love, truth and promises are nothing but tactics in a power game.
Everything changes
This is the bottom line: Dealing with a sociopath changes everything. Normal human courtesies do not apply. Social protocols do not apply. Rules do not apply. Contracts do not apply. Laws do not apply.
If we find that we are interacting with a sociopath, the best thing we can do is get the person out of our lives. When that is not possible, we need to be on mental red alert at all times and understand that anything the person says may be a lie. We need to know that for the sociopath, we are not a friend, or a lover, or a relative, or a co-worker. For a sociopath, all we are is a target.
OxDrover,
Thanks for your comment!
I am definitely going to get the book you recommended.
While I feel no longer in danger of the psychopaths in my past, I will be more cautious in my future. Dating in the 50s is much different than in my 20s. I lived with my husband for 20+ years; so, dating is a new thing for me. (I chose not to date while married. lol) I suppose in the late teens and early 20s psychopathy may not have been as obvious in the males I knew. (The psychopath in prison was a stranger to me.) But I never dated anyone for long enough to find out.
Now that I’ve grown-up I want a healthy relationship. I’m wiser for all my life experiences. And I’m not ever going to settle for nothing less than the truly “something more” I deserve!
I’ve taken my profiles off dating websites. I’m planning on being alone and getting to appreciate myself more. My divorce will not be final until January 2010. I’m going to work on strengthening me so that I may endure whatever or whoever I encounter without losing any of my power.
I’m going on a vacation in a few months–during the anniversary date of my most painful encounter with my ex-boyfriend. The one where he refused to console me when my son was in the hospital and I thought he was going to die. He was too busy talking to his next girlfriend and turned me away not once but twice.
During my vacation I will be visiting a place that I’ve dreamed about going to. I was waiting for someone special to go with. But I realize I’m special enough to go alone. For really, I’m never alone. Just lonely! (I’m working on that!)
My spirituality has helped beyond any words that I can use to describe.
Usedabused: Yes, get “Snakes in Suits.” The book describes how S/Ps maneuver in business settings, and they are just as devastating in the workplace as they are in the home. The book is written by Paul Babiak, an industrial psychologist, and Robert Hare, who developed the PCL-R and wrote “Without Conscience.
Some years ago I knew a psychiatrist who had started a high-tech business that provided amazing technology to the mental health field. He was doing well, and his company was being well accepted. I saw him a couple of years ago. He had no idea that his VP of technology was a P until it was too late. The VP sabotaged everything in the company, tore it apart, lied to investors and partnering companies, and destroyed the psychiatrist’s entire business, financial life, and family along the way.
Dear Matt,
My prayers and well wishes for you…take care of yourself…keep us posted. xoxo
Joy,
Great on the “deal breakers!”
When I confronted the last internet date (or as I call my last clinical-experience) he wanted to meet with me to explain. I said no. He wanted to continue calling me. I said no.
Then I started wondering if I overreacted. NO!!! I didn’t!! But when I was with him it was euphoria! Very addictive. But I broke his spell. And I do believe he seduced me. Okay, this is too much. But he was from Translyvania. lol lol lol
I’m not kidding. Reading the information on seduction in “Women Who Love Psychopaths” made me realize the techniques he used and how I was susceptible. I’ll recognize a “seducer” next time.
Thanks for sharing.
Namaste.
Rune,
I get so tired of people saying that because someone is a menal health professional they should recognize Ps. Thanks for your post. I hope that psychiatrist gets his life back together.
could someone else please answer my Welbutrin concern about ten posts above?”
love to all of you
Akitameg,
I googled Wellbutrin and hair loss….it seems that with many SSRI’s and antidepressents there is an association with hair loss as a side effect. As you know stress, anxiety, depression can be a trigger too, not to mention an iron deficiency, etc. The M.D. that did your bloodwork, did he do an iron test on you? I would possibly check back with him first to see if he can rule in or out any medical reasons for hairloss…if everything checks out ok (blood tests/iron tests)..then maybe talk to your therapist about other options if you feel the webutrin is causing too significant of a problem for you.
Morgan – I think maybe the only people who have any chance of recognising these creatures, health professionals or not are those who have encountered them and had that light ‘go on’.
I often think that Health and Social care professionals across the board, especially those early on in their careers, have a whole lot more they need to learn from patient and carer experiences( or in this context victim experiences) than can ever be learned through study or even professional practice. That’s just an opinion, dont any one get cross:S xx
Oxy and Morgan, thanks for the thumbs up to my new found ability to say Good-Bye! If I had learned that long ago, I would have spared myself a lot of hurt and wasted time and energy. Morgan, I love that you went alone to where you wanted to go. I have that problem of postponing life enhancing experiences while endlessly waiting for that special someone. Thanks for the reminder and we are the only special someones that we need in our lives. For too long, I have felt like a spectator sitting on the side lines watching bad plays on the field of my life. I finally know that I need to get up and actively participate in the game and become not just a first class player but one heck of my own personal cheerleader.
‘For too long, I have felt like a spectator sitting on the side lines watching bad plays on the field of my life. I finally know that I need to get up and actively participate in the game and become not just a first class player but one heck of my own personal cheerleader.’
Oh!I feel so much like this. Its hard though isn’t it:( I am so much better at cheerleading everyone else, I spend so much energy on that and wait to be cheered in return!