In honor of the 4th of July we celebrate but also reflect on how to make our nation and world a better place. I therefore thought it would be fitting to review for you a book, Psychopaths in Everyday Life, by Robert W. Rieber. I highly recommend the book to readers who have some background in psychology. The book explains Dr. Rieber’s view of psychopathy and also discusses how psychopathy relates to what he calls “Social Distress Syndrome.” He says that America is plagued by this Social Distress Syndrome and therefore is breeding psychopaths/sociopaths.
First Dr. Rieber’s view on psychopathy. I was also fortunate to meet with Dr. Rieber to discuss his ideas in detail. He has interviewed many serial killers and has written extensively about psychopathy/sociopathy. By the way, he also has a lot to say about the case of Sybil and the idea of multiple personality.
His view of psychopathy is very similar to my own, and I should say, my own view was shaped prior to discovering this work. His view of psychopathy also appears to be very similar to that of Jack Levin, Ph. D., another psychologist who has worked with serial killers.
Dr. Rieber states, “In my view, the following four salient characteristics, thrill seeking, pathological glibness, the antisocial pursuit of power, and the absence of guilt, distinguish the true psychopath.” He further emphasizes that psychopathy is not a category but a continuum (a point I have also discussed previously see Psychopathy verses sociopathy again… ).
Drs. Rieber and Levin both have an opinion that sets them apart from other psychopathy experts. I want to share this view with you because I think you should be aware of differing opinions. Based on my personal and professional experiences, I also think their view has the advantage of helping us make sense of our first-hand observations.
If you read expert writings on psychopathy, you will see that the mainstream experts seem to hold the opinion that psychopaths/sociopaths lack guilt and empathy. Mainstream experts also teach that lack of a conscience is responsible for the disorder. Any therapist, teacher, minister or observer of humans will tell you that many people have a deficit in empathy and/or guilt and yet these people do not necessarily engage in an “antisocial pursuit of power.” I believe that the focus on the deficits of psychopaths has prevented us from seeing the most important aspect of the disorder- the antisocial pursuit of power.
The minute we say that victims are harmed, not because of a psychopath’s deficits, but because of his or her aberrant motivation, we have a good perspective on what we went through. We need to understand power motivation in order to understand the psychopath/sociopath. It is also power motivation, I believe, that ties psychopathy/sociopathy to the problems of our society.
There is a great quote from the book that leads into an explanation of another point that both Drs. Levin and Rieber make. It is, “The true psychopath compels the psychiatric observer to ask the perplexing, and largely unanswered question: Why doesn’t that person have the common decency to go crazy?”
So why don’t psychopaths have the common decency to go crazy? Dr. Rieber explains, “Since psychopaths act as if they were perfectly normal, i.e. sane, they must be skilled in a cunning manner to dissociate any real guilt that they should feel about their antisocial behavior.” He also says that since psychopaths dissociate, they don’t go crazy. He believes dissociation prevents them from experiencing guilt. He also says that many psychopaths do have some level of guilt they are dissociated from.
Dissociation is a difficult concept to grasp. It means to block out a thought or emotion. The ability to dissociate is related to hypnosis which is an induced dissociated state. Dr. Rieber told me that he does not believe that a person can be completely without guilt or empathy. He instead sees the psychopath/sociopath as being able to block out these from his/her experience. This view is shared by Dr. Levin who asks another interesting question. If psychopaths are unable to experience empathy, how is it that they enjoy hurting other people so much? To enjoy hurting they have to know and to some extent feel, they have hurt.
All of us have seen that psychopaths seek out ways to hurt people. They don’t do it by accident. They therefore have to have enough empathy to know when they have succeeded in their power goals and to feel gratified by the act of hurting. Dr. Levin terms the ability of a psychopath to be cut off from any negative emotion during the act of pleasure, compartmentalization. The concept of compartmentalization is basically the same as that of dissociation. When we discussed these terms, Dr. Rieber told me that Freud called the same process repression.
There is some interesting research from the lab of Dr. Joseph P. Newman demonstrating that psychopaths have an extraordinary ability to focus on a source of reward and ignore punishers. So there is experimental evidence supporting the link between psychopathy and dissociation/ compartmentalization/ repression.
But how is psychopathy related to The Social Distress Syndrome? Dr. Rieber puts together a nice argument demonstrating that the breakdown of all of our social institutions is associated with an increase in the prevalence of psychopathy. He says psychopaths and psychopathy permeate our society. However, the book does not discuss why or how social distress is causally related to psychopathy developing in individuals and in institutions. I will present my own opinion about that for you to consider on this July 4th.
If the pleasures of power and thrill seeking are behind psychopathy, and psychopaths can easily ignore everything within and outside themselves to focus on these pleasures, then we have to ask, “How is it that these pleasures become the most important thing in a person’s life?” The answer to that question has been in scientific writings for a long time and in religious writings for even longer.
The great primate researcher Harry Harlow made the observation nearly 30 years ago that the motivations of love and power are in an opposing balance. He discovered that thankfully in primates including humans, the love motive develops before the power motive. Because the love motive develops first it is stronger and puts the brakes on the power motive. A baby starts learning to love at birth or even before. The desire for power doesn’t start until the second year of life.
Now we can see the link between social distress and psychopathy/sociopathy. When all of our society’s institutions are broken, including the family, we are robbed of the capacity to fully experience love and to develop the ability to love. Instead of being motivated to love and care we become motivated to compete and take. The motivations of love and power are mutually exclusive, so a person can’t be simultaneously motivated by both. Also the pleasure of love has to be practiced to be maintained. There is no vaccination against evil. Love during childhood doesn’t prevent psychopathy for life. If love is not practiced during all phases of life relationships become power focused instead.
The answer for ourselves, the psychopath and our country is simple and yet extremely difficult. We need to restore ourselves to a place of love for our fellow humans. If love is primary we will still engage in friendly competition, but we will not get pleasure from cutting each other’s throats!
Love motivation has to permeate our families, our places of worship, our schools, our work places, our government and our foreign policy. When love rather than power becomes our most important pleasure, then we will all have a path toward social and personal well-being.
Until our collective pleasure balance is in the right loving place, we will all have to cope with the Psychopaths in Everyday Life.
20 Things About Me:
1) I am funny; sometimes hilarious;
2) I am kind;
3) I am steadfast and loyal;
4) I am true to my word;
5) If I am wrong, I apologize and accept responsibility;
6) I’m a good mom to my 3;
7) I’m a good listener, good friend;
8) I am logical and analytical;
9) I am honest and direct- I try to temper the direct;
10) I’m creative and crafty (scissors/paper/glue crafty, not devious crafty 😉 );
11) I like to take pictures, lots of pictures;
12) I don’t know where my boundaries are- but I am looking for them. If you see them, let me know. I’ll send you a SASE so you can mail them to me;
13) I have chosen not to date, long term, so I can focus on my children. They’ve been hurt by the s too;
14) I’m learning to save money (one CANNOT have a savings acct with a s in the house!), I now have savings accts for myself and each of the kids;
15) I am debt-free from the s and the divorce- my credit is still in shambles, but that will heal itself in time, kind of like me;
16) I have a great career that began in an entry-level position;
17) I support myself and my children with no financial assistance, this is one place that the power of money is GOOD. I do not have to depend on the s, his family, or society to house and feed my children- therefore, I answer to no one and I have no hoops to jump through;
18) I’m generous- time, money, and affection- but not to the point that I empty myself;
19) I’m taking my kids to the beach next month;
20) I can think about other things besides the s and the chaos he brought to my life- it’s no longer monopolizes my every thought.
I’ve been feeling blah and bored lately. Hope you ladies don’t mind me hopping on the “I ROCK” bandwagon. I feel a little better, thank you. Have a lovely Saturday 🙂
ps- Sunny- the xs’s family were much like you described. I was wonderful until I called them on their lies, enabling, and hypocrisy. The xs’s mother owns a Christian Bookstore but paid off drug dealers and other assorted victim’s to cover up her son’s crimes and sins. She uses her position at church in the community to lie and defraud for her s son all the while pretending to be helpless and boo hoo hoo “woe is me.” The s would never have gotten to be what he is without them.
Beverly
Funny thing about music. I always felt that something was off-kilter when I was with the S but I couldn’t figure it out. There were certain songs, though I can’t remember then now, that would pop-up like billboards (over any other songs I would hear) in my life.
They weren’t songs I really ever paid more attention to before even though I had heard them but during that time, I really felt them, the impact of their words. They viscerally stung when I heard them and they stopped my heart. I didn’t want to hear the words, they were so uncomfortable. Now I know why.
Here are they lyrics of the one I remember most – “I can’t make you love me” from Bonnie Raitt
Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don’t patronize – don’t patronize me
CHORUS: Cause I can’t make you love me if you don’t
You can’t make your heart feel something it won’t
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I’ll feel the power
But you won’t, no you won’t
‘Cause I can’t make you love me, if you don’t
I’ll close my eyes, then I won’t see
The love you don’t feel when you’re holding me
Morning will come and I’ll do what’s right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight
CHORUS: Cause I can’t make you love me if you don’t
You can’t make your heart feel something it won’t
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I’ll feel the power
But you won’t, no you won’t
‘Cause I can’t make you love me, if you don’t
Dearest Wini – I just got there!!! I saw it like we are light bodies through our compassion and service and whom God is spreading his essence through to troubled members of humanity?? Is that what you imply?
oops…I should have proofread. Just to save you from struggling to figure out the (or to confirm your brilliant deciphering!)
First line, second paragraph should read
“They weren’t songs I really ever paid attention to, even though I had heard them ”
ok…back to the posts.
Ok, I read eyesopened & Glinda’s “I ROCK” lists, and I just want to say…..are you ladies ME?…haha.
You totally described me in your lists! Isn’t that wonderfully bizarre how we are all so similar in personality and more important, character? Wow!
We read each other’s descriptions of the PDIs, and exclaim…”were we with the same flippin man?! Because he sounds just like your x bf or husband!”
The comparisons are staggering to me. More valid proof of how we are all connected to each other on every level.
Thanks, ladies, for sharing your innate, intrinsic beauty with me. And for allowing me to see how “I ROCK” also. **hug**
I know, it’s uncanny. I’ve often thought we could all fill out a questionnaire/matrix not only the S/P/N’s whatever but a separate one forthe victims here and just see how many checkmarks fill our same boxes.
Well ladies it is quite refeshing to see such incredible honesty, the pain the happieness and the unsure.
I think I have felt all of these a million times in the last 6 months. What where when why.
I have a very strong faith today that allows me to not firget the past as we can never forget but used what we experienced to help others.
It is so helpful for others to understand the true hurt of regection and betrayel, where you thought your life was one thing and was completely another.
I like the ” I ROCK” that is great! I think Im going to use that everyday because I bet we all do and thats how mving forward I will only accept others that are worthy of me 🙂
I am now 51 and just figuring it out?
GOD has a plan and I am asking for his guidance everyday a few times acutally.
I have been feeling lonely to, not for him at all but just to be held well knowing that I need a lot more time to heal before I go there…right now its about me and GOD.
And listening to all of you wise women.
GOD BLESS
There is a scripture that says that “all things work together for GOOD to those that love the Lord” (can’t remember the chapter and verse right now) but I truly believe that!
The thing about our experiences is that they were all so painful, BUT from the pain we experienced growth. We turned the “Bad” into “the good.”
There is a quotation I remember vaguely that says that “anyone who fails to get a lesson out of failure misses a great opportunity.”
We “failed” in our attempts at relationships with the Ps, because we were trying to move the “immoveable object” and there was NO possibility of “success” in what we were trying to do with the Ps….but, we took the lesson from that, in how to determine in the future which tasks are “impossible.”
While all things are possible with God, that doesn’t mean that all things are “possible” with us, there is NO WAY we can “fix” the person who doesn’t want to be fixed.
What we CAN FIX, however, is ourselves so that we never again become vulnerable to the psychopaths of this world. We can’t avoid them unless we move to Mars, but we don’t have to associate with them.
The Apostle Paul in his letter to the Corinthians (I Cor 5: 9-13) tells the Christians that they should “turn away” from people who pretend to be Christians but are railers, abusers, fornicators, lovers of self, covetous, extortioners, drunkards, “with such an one no not to eat.” “Therefore put away from among yourselves that wicked person.”
The definition of “railer” in Webster’s is “to revile or scold in harsh, insolent or abusive language.” Now if that doesn’t describe a psychopath or narcissist, I don’t know what would!
I felt very guilty for a long time in No Contact with my mother. But she falls well under the definition of “railer” while pretending, at least to the outside community and her church friends to be a “loving Christian.” But having seen the face without the mask, knowing that she falls under the definition of liar and railer, I realize that NO CONTACT, even though she is my biological mother is not only the WISE thing, but also sanctioned by God’s advice, by God’s command, “no not to eat”—have no social contact with these people.
There are so many examples in the Bible of Narcissists and Psychopaths, and reading these stories in a different “vision” than what I have always read these stories is very liberating to me. Realizing that even God doesn’t demand that we allow others to abuse us, that we restore “trust” along with “forgiveness” (getting the bitterness out of our hearts toward them) is so liberating to me that I want to sing and dance and shout for joy.
It still hurts, to realize that those that you loved, trusted, and cared for were evil iintentioned toward you. That the man you had children with cares not for you or them, that the person who gave birth to you has no “natural affection” for you, would use and abuse you, or that your sibling or friend never cared about you, would use and abuse you, and enjoy seeing your pain, still hurts, but the hurt will never be permanent if we process it, grieve over the “loss” of our perceptions that these people loved us, and realize EMOTIONALLY as well as logically that the relationship, whatever it was, was always one sided. That we gave and they took, but did not reciprocate our love.
Finding validation in ourselves, and in the wise words of our religious faith–whatever faith that is–helps us to grow emotionally, spiritually, psychologically and in every other way that makes us better humans. I have read a great deal of the sacred writings of several religions and they all pretty much say the same thing about how we should behave and how we should deal with others. What kind of people we should be, how to direct our moral compasses to improve our own sprits and make our internal lives better, are included in every writing I have read.
The philosophers of all times pretty much mirrored what we would like to become, to put away the angers and malices, and the bitterness from ourselves so that we can come to peace, both here on this earth and in the beyond. While the “wisdom” of this world may say that money, power, position and status may bring “happiness” we KNOW that is NOT the case. The peaceful heart is HAPPY, the kind heart is happy, the good heart is happy. The psychopath tries to take that away from us because they can NEVER acheive that peace. They can’t take it away unless WE LET THEM, unless we give them the power to do so.
Taking back our POWER is what it is all about. Making ourselves the kind of people we want to be is within our POWER, but we have to realize that all peace, and all happiness comes from WITHIN US not from something external. No person can make us happy, but us, and even then happiness is a by-product of a peaceful soul.
Working toward that healing and that peace is my life now, and I realize it is a journey not a destination. I also realize that there will be pot holes, and falls on the journey, but I will keep on getting up, keep on putting one foot in front of the other toward my life-long goal of PEACE.
Yesterday my son D and I were talkinga bout how peaceful life is for us now, without crisis of any kind at present, internal or external. We are again enjoying life, and only a couple of weeks ago, I had hit a pot hole with mother, and skinned my knee, but now having overcome that fall, I feel better and stronger than I have in quite a while. Then I got the call that said son C was on his way home for a suprise visit! What a wonderful suprise (I wasn’t expecting him til Labor Day) Since he is on the “night shift” at work we sat up until the wee hours of the morning just talking and enjoying each other’s company, renewed love and trust in each other, and it did me so much good to see his smiling face, no lines or wrinkles or stress expressed in it, and to make silly jokes and recall silly times when he was a kid, and to have him reaffirm his love and trust for me and me for him. It just “don’t get no better than that!” Peace to all.
Dear OxDrover:
My ex never showed any cracks. I didn’t know he was a sleaze until months after he left (business trip). It was by accident that I learned what he really was. Not anything he did. He always acted the best friend, perfect gentlemen, would walk out during an argument, not argue, have a conversation after I calmed down, cooked, clean, did laundry, worked on the car, took the garbage out, got along with my friends and family. Never showed the true self. To this day, we have never talked about it. I found out at the end of November. December, January, February, we were still talking even though we broke up. I guess his marrying someone else was a good clue. He must have married her in the Fall and still was talking marriage with me in November before the 2nd shoe fell. So, as I was contacted our local PD and the FBI, and the credit bureaus, along with going into court to clear up what he did on my credit cards, canceling my bank account, finding out the foreclosure on my house – the attorney I hired was in on the con with my ex, that house in long gone and on my credit history (Thanks Ex psycho). To this day, we never talked. When I did talk with his dad and told him everything … how his son took me to the cleaners … his dad said “He’s proud of his son and that I had to move on because he’s married now”. So I told his dad, well the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Then I hung the phone up.
Peace everyone. I have to take some deep breaths. I don’t think all of them were ever abused. I think they consciously decide that everyone is a game to them that they are the Victor for whatever their M.O. is?
Dear JSmith, I wonder what the boxes for all of us would be, but I am sure a box called ‘faith’ would get a fair number of ticks, as also the box marked ‘those working in caring professions’!!