In honor of the 4th of July we celebrate but also reflect on how to make our nation and world a better place. I therefore thought it would be fitting to review for you a book, Psychopaths in Everyday Life, by Robert W. Rieber. I highly recommend the book to readers who have some background in psychology. The book explains Dr. Rieber’s view of psychopathy and also discusses how psychopathy relates to what he calls “Social Distress Syndrome.” He says that America is plagued by this Social Distress Syndrome and therefore is breeding psychopaths/sociopaths.
First Dr. Rieber’s view on psychopathy. I was also fortunate to meet with Dr. Rieber to discuss his ideas in detail. He has interviewed many serial killers and has written extensively about psychopathy/sociopathy. By the way, he also has a lot to say about the case of Sybil and the idea of multiple personality.
His view of psychopathy is very similar to my own, and I should say, my own view was shaped prior to discovering this work. His view of psychopathy also appears to be very similar to that of Jack Levin, Ph. D., another psychologist who has worked with serial killers.
Dr. Rieber states, “In my view, the following four salient characteristics, thrill seeking, pathological glibness, the antisocial pursuit of power, and the absence of guilt, distinguish the true psychopath.” He further emphasizes that psychopathy is not a category but a continuum (a point I have also discussed previously see Psychopathy verses sociopathy again… ).
Drs. Rieber and Levin both have an opinion that sets them apart from other psychopathy experts. I want to share this view with you because I think you should be aware of differing opinions. Based on my personal and professional experiences, I also think their view has the advantage of helping us make sense of our first-hand observations.
If you read expert writings on psychopathy, you will see that the mainstream experts seem to hold the opinion that psychopaths/sociopaths lack guilt and empathy. Mainstream experts also teach that lack of a conscience is responsible for the disorder. Any therapist, teacher, minister or observer of humans will tell you that many people have a deficit in empathy and/or guilt and yet these people do not necessarily engage in an “antisocial pursuit of power.” I believe that the focus on the deficits of psychopaths has prevented us from seeing the most important aspect of the disorder- the antisocial pursuit of power.
The minute we say that victims are harmed, not because of a psychopath’s deficits, but because of his or her aberrant motivation, we have a good perspective on what we went through. We need to understand power motivation in order to understand the psychopath/sociopath. It is also power motivation, I believe, that ties psychopathy/sociopathy to the problems of our society.
There is a great quote from the book that leads into an explanation of another point that both Drs. Levin and Rieber make. It is, “The true psychopath compels the psychiatric observer to ask the perplexing, and largely unanswered question: Why doesn’t that person have the common decency to go crazy?”
So why don’t psychopaths have the common decency to go crazy? Dr. Rieber explains, “Since psychopaths act as if they were perfectly normal, i.e. sane, they must be skilled in a cunning manner to dissociate any real guilt that they should feel about their antisocial behavior.” He also says that since psychopaths dissociate, they don’t go crazy. He believes dissociation prevents them from experiencing guilt. He also says that many psychopaths do have some level of guilt they are dissociated from.
Dissociation is a difficult concept to grasp. It means to block out a thought or emotion. The ability to dissociate is related to hypnosis which is an induced dissociated state. Dr. Rieber told me that he does not believe that a person can be completely without guilt or empathy. He instead sees the psychopath/sociopath as being able to block out these from his/her experience. This view is shared by Dr. Levin who asks another interesting question. If psychopaths are unable to experience empathy, how is it that they enjoy hurting other people so much? To enjoy hurting they have to know and to some extent feel, they have hurt.
All of us have seen that psychopaths seek out ways to hurt people. They don’t do it by accident. They therefore have to have enough empathy to know when they have succeeded in their power goals and to feel gratified by the act of hurting. Dr. Levin terms the ability of a psychopath to be cut off from any negative emotion during the act of pleasure, compartmentalization. The concept of compartmentalization is basically the same as that of dissociation. When we discussed these terms, Dr. Rieber told me that Freud called the same process repression.
There is some interesting research from the lab of Dr. Joseph P. Newman demonstrating that psychopaths have an extraordinary ability to focus on a source of reward and ignore punishers. So there is experimental evidence supporting the link between psychopathy and dissociation/ compartmentalization/ repression.
But how is psychopathy related to The Social Distress Syndrome? Dr. Rieber puts together a nice argument demonstrating that the breakdown of all of our social institutions is associated with an increase in the prevalence of psychopathy. He says psychopaths and psychopathy permeate our society. However, the book does not discuss why or how social distress is causally related to psychopathy developing in individuals and in institutions. I will present my own opinion about that for you to consider on this July 4th.
If the pleasures of power and thrill seeking are behind psychopathy, and psychopaths can easily ignore everything within and outside themselves to focus on these pleasures, then we have to ask, “How is it that these pleasures become the most important thing in a person’s life?” The answer to that question has been in scientific writings for a long time and in religious writings for even longer.
The great primate researcher Harry Harlow made the observation nearly 30 years ago that the motivations of love and power are in an opposing balance. He discovered that thankfully in primates including humans, the love motive develops before the power motive. Because the love motive develops first it is stronger and puts the brakes on the power motive. A baby starts learning to love at birth or even before. The desire for power doesn’t start until the second year of life.
Now we can see the link between social distress and psychopathy/sociopathy. When all of our society’s institutions are broken, including the family, we are robbed of the capacity to fully experience love and to develop the ability to love. Instead of being motivated to love and care we become motivated to compete and take. The motivations of love and power are mutually exclusive, so a person can’t be simultaneously motivated by both. Also the pleasure of love has to be practiced to be maintained. There is no vaccination against evil. Love during childhood doesn’t prevent psychopathy for life. If love is not practiced during all phases of life relationships become power focused instead.
The answer for ourselves, the psychopath and our country is simple and yet extremely difficult. We need to restore ourselves to a place of love for our fellow humans. If love is primary we will still engage in friendly competition, but we will not get pleasure from cutting each other’s throats!
Love motivation has to permeate our families, our places of worship, our schools, our work places, our government and our foreign policy. When love rather than power becomes our most important pleasure, then we will all have a path toward social and personal well-being.
Until our collective pleasure balance is in the right loving place, we will all have to cope with the Psychopaths in Everyday Life.
Wini, I understand where you are heading by your posts, to form a collective for exploring the TRUTH. I agree that I often miss posts or I post under the wrong heading and if I havent been on the site for a few days, it is hard to catch up on all the postings. A general forum area sounds a good idea to lead everyone towards healing.
Beverly:
Good that you made that conclusion, because they certainly didn’t care about us. My ex left me as road kill. Took all my money, my appliances, destroyed my possession, had my retirement home (that he lived in) foreclosed, yeah that went on my credit history, not his, money that I lent him went to him, him, him and his other fiancee (who I talked with and told me repeatedly that she was just a room mate). Anyway, spent my money on himself than what is was suppose to be for, what we agreed on (e.g. paying all his back and future child support payments to his ex-wife and the mother of his 2 daughters). Then what in the world is wrong with his ex wife for not pulling me to the side and having a heart to heart. I wanted to talk with her and today, the woman has never had a conversation with me. It was through her investigator and her attorney that she knows what he did to me after he left her. Unbelievable what a cyclone hurricane this guy is in how he lives his life. With money he stole from my bank account, he and his new wife (she sold her condo) and they bought a new house. His new wife thinking his finances are legit from a decent guy … in reality he stole his two investors money ($125,000.00 each) and my money (years after the foreclosure) to the tune of propably $60,000 -$70,000.00. Kissed me goodbye (with my appliances in his 5th wheel and my pet bird) and told me he’d be back in September (he left May 1, 2006). I just didn’t know to ask, which September in which year. Got married to her sometime in the fall of 2006, and he’s still telling me he loves me and when this deal (that he was supposedly working on in Texas) comes through, then will marry. And the rest is history. This week, I’m sending in my letter of complaint to the Georgia Bar association about the sleazoid attorney I hired to stop the foreclosure, to find out, it was all a lie, this attorney took my money to represent my ex in his illegal activity he got caught in down in GA. Everything my ex told me was a lie from the day he met me. 8 years of living his lies. And here I am, starting over from square one. Figuring out one lie after another. Resolving what I can through the courts, dumping his responsibility back on his plate (wait until he finds out what all the states that he did his nonsense in have waiting for him when they finally rope him in). Idiot. If he lived his life righteously (following God’s word) none of this craziness would exist. Nuts. The courts should assign them all in romper room … not call it prison. Romper room for the spiritually stunted. Then we an all view them like the pee-wee hermans that they are.
Peace.
I re-read some of your posts Wini, and I took in your story, and how involved and painful it was.
I wanted to comment on one of your posts. About the male and female energy in the form of parents in the life of a child. I also understand that a primary part of the male’s role is to provide a ‘bridge’ to the outside world, the mother forming the ‘inner’ world. If any part of this process is disrupted in childhood, one then travels down a different path.
Beverly:
I read that book 20+ years ago during the breakup with my first roller coaster ride. Remember, what I write is my opinion. Not facts concluded by research. What I know as the truth. Yes, there is more to the positive (male)/negative (female) polarities. That is the ideal model. Now human beings … that’s another story. All of us have to figure out our truths as we know truth. I know that my father loved my mother. My father came from unconditional love all the time with whoever he was dealing with. My mom was loving but could and would play innocent self centered games. Nothing major … just a mom who knew how to push buttons to get what she wanted. I’d say high 90s my mom was dealing from love when she did or said anything to anyone. With that knowledge, I then deduct situations from how much information I know is fact versus what is fiction. Fact, I have 3 other siblings and I’m the youngest. They too, play the push the button games to get what they want. They all can be loving and there for you … and then there’s the other side that comes into play … that is there listing in the hierachy of our family. Oldest thinks she’s the boss of everyone (her birth right). Doesn’t fly with me … so a lot of heated debates in our family regarding this viewpoint. My brother is the second oldest – he’s cool, basically truthful and for the most part stays away from heated discussions in the family … unless he has something to say. My middle sister … has a heart of gold, will give you the shirt off her back … but needs to pick up the Bible and read it some day. She’s another one that doesn’t investigate on her own. Hears something that sounds good to her and she goes with it.
What I’m saying is that all our discussions are coming from our truth as we know it.
As for me, I analyze every thing (and have been a people watcher all my life) until it sits right with me. I have a lot of things still up in the air, waffling because it isn’t truth to me yet. All I know is that I speak my truth as I see it. It comes from my heart and soul. I don’t want anything from any one except to spend time with people and enjoy their company and pick their brains, what they are all about. I hope that I am a positive influence to those who know me. I leave people whole or better off. Those that understand me and appreciate me are still in my life. Those that aren’t, aren’t for whatever reason that they know.
Peace.
Dear Free,
When do I let go of wanting to know about psychopaths? I don’t know, I’m not there yet. BUT, and for me this is a BIG “but”—I FEEL that knowledge protects me. Maybe if I had been bitten by a certain kind of snake I would study everything about their habits, habitat, etc. until I was an “expert” on that kind of snake. But more and more I am concentrating on ME and the things I want to do to feel confident within myself.
I’m learning to set boundaries!!! At first it was very nerve wracking and I was more unsure of myself, now I am more sure of myself, more EMOTIONALLY sure of my RIGHT to do so, and that my boundaries are reasonable and just. So my self confidence is increasing in that aspect.
In many ways I am having to re-program my own thinking about some basic things–ways of looking at the world, ways of looking at myself, goals, desires, the whole big global picture of my life.
The side effects though are that I am proud of my self for my acheivements and successes, not beating myself up over times I back slide, but enjoying a day by day progress. Seeing myself grow! Just as I enjoyed watching my children grow and learn language, learn to walk, etc. I am watching myself grow as well and finding joy and pleasure in my accomplishements of new tasks and scaling new heights.
Wini…. My Therory about (P”s) is almost identical to everyone else here, with some exception’s. He was not someone I dated or had any kind of romance with. He lived 5 miles from me with another guy, they had been together 6 years. I had met (mike) at the corner store, we both had seen the other before, and now realized we lived way out here in the stick’s but close, so I gave him my number and he would call and come by occasionally. Sometimes he would just show up without calling. He told me stories of how horroble his bf was, how the bf treated him so bad and the bf cheated and lied. But when the bf called him on the cell phone I heard him Lie to the bf about where (HE) was. I think they were both phycopaths living in the same cage. Well Mike was never really interested in me until he learned where I lived and i was convient when he was bored. Well one nite at midnite he knocked on the door, his bf had kicked him out and he walked 5 miles to ask to not call him on his cell phone because he didnt want his bf to find out about me (the bf had kept the cell and the truck) so Mike was basically homeless and pitifull. I said well u don’t have to go back to that you can stay here untill you get something worked out. The next thing I know I am driving him to work and back and doing everything I can to help him. And I started likeing the company and companionship. After driving him to work for 6 months I insist he get a car. So I signed on a loan but after the fact he tells me he has no drivers licence, well to make this short and simple. My therory is, a HOMELESS PHYSCOPATH saw me as an opportunity to get out of his present situation. And that is what I was to him, an opportunity to better his situation. Yeah he said all the right things and the first few weeks did all the right things. But he is basically a low life physcopath, that is the way he survive’s. He has no longterm goals no respect, no honesty, and he cant be trusted or believed at all. He met his new (victim) on my computer. I think he will continue this behavour untill he is killed or dies from not taking care of his self. and yes I think god or the universe has thumped me on the head and said hey you need to clean up your life and take a different approach because if I don’t I am going to be used up and left behind. So this is a life lesson, I am dealing with it. I am embarrased and ashamed, one friend of mine said I was basicaly paying for sex with him. I didnt see it that way, he gave me just enuff money too keep me appeased. He cheated on me constantly and I became a mad person trying to catch him and when I did he convinced me I was the one cheating. Too sum it up, they have no soul. They all have to be related to Satan, because evil was like a cloud over Mike, I felt fear even when he was in my arm’s. Like some of you here I still feel like I miss him, but I think that is satan trying to pull us back in, keep us from moving on, satan want’s us to be stagnant. I am moving forward ever so slowing and I will never look back on my past the same way again. I am puting together a better Henry—because I don’t want God to thump me on the head again it hurt’s too much……………….
AND I am dealing or delving into issue’s that Lovefraud cant help me with. I am gay, a father, a grandfather, I do not (fit) into mainstream life. I was raised in a very toxic dysfuntional family. And even tho I believe being gay is not by choice but by genetic’s and inviroment. I think I and alot of men like me are sexually dysfuntional. Society tell’s me I am not right. Religion tell’s me I am not right. I have to keep my identity low key,because I live in a world where I could be killed just because I am me. So this is why the relationship with the (P) was so attractive to me. Why I bent myself out of shape to make it work, held on to fear and evil so desperatly. So now I am back to my reality. I will more than likely live alone. Not have that special somebody to grow old with. But I want to except that and be the best I can be due to my reality. I want to stop looking for it, I want to start living. I am fighting lonliness and isolation in ways that most of you don’t understand. I think it is very important for (ME) to find a greater sense of self and acept the card’s I was dealt with and be ever so greatfull for the love I do recieve.
Dear Henry,
You have hit on the thing that many, especially the “low lifes” psychopaths, they play the pity-ploy to get others to “rescue” them from someone who is “persecuting” them.
Have you had a talk with his X-BF? I bet you would find that the X-BF’s story is just about like yours, that Mike treated him the same way. I bet the X-BF is just as much a victim of Mike as you were.
The patterns of their behavior, the pity ploy works sometimes, and for a WHILE. It doesn’t work forever, because they keep oon looking for another victim, more excitement, and they are never “true” to the person who is rescuing them.
We unwittingly become their “enablers” by trying to be “nice guys” and “help them out”—-it is a fine line in “helping” someone and giving them an opportunity, and enabling them. Many people are very adept at going from one “helper” to the next, ripping them off right and left. They get themselves in such a low state–no job, no car, no place to live, etc. that they are in a position that it is VERY difficult for some one to dig themselves out of such a hole without “help”—-but, I always ASK MYSELF NOW, how did they get there? What did they do that brought them to the stage they are homeless, jobless, car-less, broke etc.?
At one time I was pretty financially low, and due to the divorce from hell (my x was mentally ill) and in pretty sad straights, but I managed to pull myself up by my own boot straps with a kid on each hip.
I don’t like to “classify” or “label” people, but you know here in the South we have a label that just about fits people like your X, “poor white trash”—they are poor because they mooch off others, make no provision to help themselves, and they behave in “trashy” ways, have no respect for themselves, no pride in themselves, are always blaming their problems on others, and behaving irresponsbily. They are not trash because they are poor, they are poor because they are trash. There are plenty of people I know who are poor, and NOT TRASH, and plenty of people I know who are rich and ARE TRASH. If you were to buy them a brand new house, a brand new car, and get them a job making $100,000 a year, they would be dead broke and on the street in a year! The house would be a hovel, dirty and broken, the car wouldn’t run because it had no gas and two fenders were torn off. You can’t help these people because they will NOT HELP THEMSELVES.
My son C came home this weekend, and in our talks he mentioned that his X-step daughter, who has no home, mooches with her meth-head BF off her cousins, had TRIED TO GET PREGNANT and succeeded, and was DEVESTATED that she lost the baby at 8 weeks—plus the fact that she has a 50/50 chance of carrying the defective gene that would make her sons be born with muscular dystrophy just like her brother was, who lived a painful life and died a horrible and painful death which she witnessed. She won’t work “it’s boring”–and she depends on others to support her. Can we say TRASH? Of course I can look at her mother and realize that his X-step daughter didn’t fall far from her mother’s “tree” and is also probably personality disordered. My son, thank goodness, is wise enough to not try to “help” this girl because she doesn’t want “help” she wants someone else to be responsible for meeting her basic needs without any effort on her part. My son cares for this girl, but at the same time, he is realistic about knowing that trying to “help her” is CASTING PEARLS BEFORE SWINE as the Bible says.
There are so many good stories in the Bible representing how we must deal with Psychopaths. Another one that is good is the story about “washing a sow” (female pig) and that it is futile to wash her as as soon as she gets a chance she will return to her mire and be as dirty as before she was washed.
I am definitely NOT against helping people, but I will do my best NEVER to enable another person as long as I live. I am not going to assume responsibility for another person who is able to assume responsibility for themselves. It is a lose/lose situation to think we can do it.
I’m glad to see you making progress Henry, and in your posts I know that you are a kind and caring person, and Mike took advantage of that, but you will never again be so vulnerable to “trash” again. (((hugs))))
Hi, I’m a new blogger too, and I can totally relate to how Sunny is feeling. The 4th did a number on me, too. I thought I was fine, it’s been almost a year since I left my x, and most thoughts I’d had about him since then were more along the lines of “I should have known better” or “I got myself into that situation, lesson learned”. I was with him for 6 years. When I entered into the relationship my self esteem was seriously low ( I’m sure that’s something everyone can relate too! They target that immediately!). The weird thing is, I recognized that he was all wrong for me from the beginning, but I had recently lost my social network so it seemed better to have a few dates with someone who wasn’t perfect than to sit home alone.
Well, that developed into a 6 year relationship with someone I never should have been with. Reading a lot of these threads sounds like a script from my life. I was his buffer because he wasn’t good in social situations. I lost friends because no one liked him. The more I protected him, the deeper I dug myself in. He mooched off me for many years, but luckily he never stole large amounts of money or assets. What he did steal was any shred of self-worth I had hung onto.
He owned his own construction business and toward the end it wasn’t doing well. Before I’d met him I was an interior designer. Then I changed careers and became an RN. Nursing is a steady job that always pays the bills, design can be transitory. We ended up working together designing and building a group of homes, all while I continued to also work fulltime as an RN. This was the beginning of the end.
One of his core beliefs was that the only way in todays society that couples can make it is if they work together. I put all I had into that project and it turned out amazing. He did pay me for my work. However, his behavior became more and more bizarre. Nothing I did was a good choice in his mind, untill the final project materialized and the public raved about it. He angrily questioned every choice, every decision. If I wasn’t spending all my free time working on the construction projects I didn’t care. When I started trying to do what he wanted, I chose the wrong aspects to focus on. I ended up just waiting around to see what he wanted so he wouldn’t criticize me. Nothing was ever right. Then it became personal. With all the working and trying to please I wasn’t taking care of myself like I did before. He criticized my body, I was getting fat. I frantically tried to diet and exercise, then, you guessed it, I wasn’t focusing on work. Around and around.
He spent most of his time alone in his office “working”. From 7 till about 6 pm he was in there online, I honestly believed working on the business. It wasn’t till later I found out what everyone reading this has already guessed. He was on porn sites, dating sites, and making myspace pages. He adamantly insisted the myspace page was to “network” and bring in additional business. When I doubted him he became sulky and resentful. Like all these guys, he insisted I was too suspicious. If we were to have any relationship I had to trust him, he said, because “trust is the foundation of any relationship. Without trust there’s nothing” . One of his favorite mantras. What a joke!
He started screaming at my kids and trying to alienate them from me. During this time my health failed in lots of ways and I needed several surguries. He resented every weakness, every obligation where he wasn’t directly in the spotlight. I kept trying desperately to juggle everything and keep it all alfloat, but I couldn’t do enough.
What’s got to be obvious to everyone is that he gaslighted me. We were never married because we’d both been married before and he said ” the most real relationship is when both parties CHOOSE to be with each other on a daily basis”. My recourse was to type up a “relationship contract” that stated if either of us had doubts or wanted to leave the relationship we would discuss it or try counseling before doing anything behind each other’s back. We both signed it. I told him my greatest fear and concern was being deceived, because my ex-husband ( who was a much crueler sociopath) had done horrible damage to me that way. The contractor x was so understanding and sympathetic. Haha.
It ended. I left. I went on to briefly date another sociopath. I’m in counseling now. I want to understand why. I have the same “I Rock List” as so many of you have posted. I am a caretaker, but that’s who I am at my core. It’s not a bad trait, I do it for a living. The bad part is my lack of self-worth. I’ve learned in counseling that my parents ( a narcissist and and sociopath) raised me to be exactly what I am. I’m working on making better choices.
I found out on the 4th that the ex-contractor took a woman to Hawaii within days of me leaving. We had planned that trip together, and the tickets were already paid for. I know I had suspected it all along. I know it’s been over for 9 months now. Somehow the evidence of it staring me in the face was a slap that really rattled me. I never really grieved for that relationship. I knew I should be strong. My friends said I shouldn’t give that loser a second thought, so I tried to do just that.
The ex-contracter had also called just a few days prior. I guess my replacement was out of his life then. He was actually cying on the phone, and said “some events in his life caused him to realize that he’d hurt people, so he wanted to apologize”. I forgave him, but didn’t make any assurances that I’d see him.
Wow. It felt good to vent all that. Thanks for being a place to do that. Like my user name says, I guess I’m still trying to sort it all out. I don’t really talk to people about these things, people tend to pass judgement without really understanding. I just really feel lost lately, and it feels good to visit this “cyber group” of people who’ve been through the same thing.