In honor of the 4th of July we celebrate but also reflect on how to make our nation and world a better place. I therefore thought it would be fitting to review for you a book, Psychopaths in Everyday Life, by Robert W. Rieber. I highly recommend the book to readers who have some background in psychology. The book explains Dr. Rieber’s view of psychopathy and also discusses how psychopathy relates to what he calls “Social Distress Syndrome.” He says that America is plagued by this Social Distress Syndrome and therefore is breeding psychopaths/sociopaths.
First Dr. Rieber’s view on psychopathy. I was also fortunate to meet with Dr. Rieber to discuss his ideas in detail. He has interviewed many serial killers and has written extensively about psychopathy/sociopathy. By the way, he also has a lot to say about the case of Sybil and the idea of multiple personality.
His view of psychopathy is very similar to my own, and I should say, my own view was shaped prior to discovering this work. His view of psychopathy also appears to be very similar to that of Jack Levin, Ph. D., another psychologist who has worked with serial killers.
Dr. Rieber states, “In my view, the following four salient characteristics, thrill seeking, pathological glibness, the antisocial pursuit of power, and the absence of guilt, distinguish the true psychopath.” He further emphasizes that psychopathy is not a category but a continuum (a point I have also discussed previously see Psychopathy verses sociopathy again… ).
Drs. Rieber and Levin both have an opinion that sets them apart from other psychopathy experts. I want to share this view with you because I think you should be aware of differing opinions. Based on my personal and professional experiences, I also think their view has the advantage of helping us make sense of our first-hand observations.
If you read expert writings on psychopathy, you will see that the mainstream experts seem to hold the opinion that psychopaths/sociopaths lack guilt and empathy. Mainstream experts also teach that lack of a conscience is responsible for the disorder. Any therapist, teacher, minister or observer of humans will tell you that many people have a deficit in empathy and/or guilt and yet these people do not necessarily engage in an “antisocial pursuit of power.” I believe that the focus on the deficits of psychopaths has prevented us from seeing the most important aspect of the disorder- the antisocial pursuit of power.
The minute we say that victims are harmed, not because of a psychopath’s deficits, but because of his or her aberrant motivation, we have a good perspective on what we went through. We need to understand power motivation in order to understand the psychopath/sociopath. It is also power motivation, I believe, that ties psychopathy/sociopathy to the problems of our society.
There is a great quote from the book that leads into an explanation of another point that both Drs. Levin and Rieber make. It is, “The true psychopath compels the psychiatric observer to ask the perplexing, and largely unanswered question: Why doesn’t that person have the common decency to go crazy?”
So why don’t psychopaths have the common decency to go crazy? Dr. Rieber explains, “Since psychopaths act as if they were perfectly normal, i.e. sane, they must be skilled in a cunning manner to dissociate any real guilt that they should feel about their antisocial behavior.” He also says that since psychopaths dissociate, they don’t go crazy. He believes dissociation prevents them from experiencing guilt. He also says that many psychopaths do have some level of guilt they are dissociated from.
Dissociation is a difficult concept to grasp. It means to block out a thought or emotion. The ability to dissociate is related to hypnosis which is an induced dissociated state. Dr. Rieber told me that he does not believe that a person can be completely without guilt or empathy. He instead sees the psychopath/sociopath as being able to block out these from his/her experience. This view is shared by Dr. Levin who asks another interesting question. If psychopaths are unable to experience empathy, how is it that they enjoy hurting other people so much? To enjoy hurting they have to know and to some extent feel, they have hurt.
All of us have seen that psychopaths seek out ways to hurt people. They don’t do it by accident. They therefore have to have enough empathy to know when they have succeeded in their power goals and to feel gratified by the act of hurting. Dr. Levin terms the ability of a psychopath to be cut off from any negative emotion during the act of pleasure, compartmentalization. The concept of compartmentalization is basically the same as that of dissociation. When we discussed these terms, Dr. Rieber told me that Freud called the same process repression.
There is some interesting research from the lab of Dr. Joseph P. Newman demonstrating that psychopaths have an extraordinary ability to focus on a source of reward and ignore punishers. So there is experimental evidence supporting the link between psychopathy and dissociation/ compartmentalization/ repression.
But how is psychopathy related to The Social Distress Syndrome? Dr. Rieber puts together a nice argument demonstrating that the breakdown of all of our social institutions is associated with an increase in the prevalence of psychopathy. He says psychopaths and psychopathy permeate our society. However, the book does not discuss why or how social distress is causally related to psychopathy developing in individuals and in institutions. I will present my own opinion about that for you to consider on this July 4th.
If the pleasures of power and thrill seeking are behind psychopathy, and psychopaths can easily ignore everything within and outside themselves to focus on these pleasures, then we have to ask, “How is it that these pleasures become the most important thing in a person’s life?” The answer to that question has been in scientific writings for a long time and in religious writings for even longer.
The great primate researcher Harry Harlow made the observation nearly 30 years ago that the motivations of love and power are in an opposing balance. He discovered that thankfully in primates including humans, the love motive develops before the power motive. Because the love motive develops first it is stronger and puts the brakes on the power motive. A baby starts learning to love at birth or even before. The desire for power doesn’t start until the second year of life.
Now we can see the link between social distress and psychopathy/sociopathy. When all of our society’s institutions are broken, including the family, we are robbed of the capacity to fully experience love and to develop the ability to love. Instead of being motivated to love and care we become motivated to compete and take. The motivations of love and power are mutually exclusive, so a person can’t be simultaneously motivated by both. Also the pleasure of love has to be practiced to be maintained. There is no vaccination against evil. Love during childhood doesn’t prevent psychopathy for life. If love is not practiced during all phases of life relationships become power focused instead.
The answer for ourselves, the psychopath and our country is simple and yet extremely difficult. We need to restore ourselves to a place of love for our fellow humans. If love is primary we will still engage in friendly competition, but we will not get pleasure from cutting each other’s throats!
Love motivation has to permeate our families, our places of worship, our schools, our work places, our government and our foreign policy. When love rather than power becomes our most important pleasure, then we will all have a path toward social and personal well-being.
Until our collective pleasure balance is in the right loving place, we will all have to cope with the Psychopaths in Everyday Life.
DEar Stillsorting,
Welcome to the “club”–but sorry you have the “qualifications” to “join”—LOL This is a healing place and sounds like you are already on the healing road. Again, welcome, and sorry you had to experience this painful relationship, but in the end, if we finally get there, it will be a valuable learning experience and hopefully render you not vulnerable to the next one.
Still sorting,
Yes, welcome to the LoveFraud fellowship. Yet again another wonderful, good woman dealing with the pain & suffering of a predator. You also described my x PDIs implicitly.
If we only knew then what we know now…..
My X Music Man was terrible in social situations also. He seemed to expect me to cover territory that either left him subject to ridicule or he really didn’t trust or like people at all. I suspect both reasons. Can we say…HUGE RED FLAG?
So many red flags, in so little time that I think I actually began rationalizing his behavior, believing he was a tortured human being. Whatever. As Oxy reminds us repeatedly, many of us had less than stellar upbringings (as you spoke of yours living with a narcissist AND a sociopath..awful, just horrible) and preceeding destructive relationships with PDIs, yet we don’t ever inflict our own emotional pain on others.
They project and discard their own human weaknesses, their pain onto us in a selfish effort to rid themselves of what they consider beneath them, that they are above such ridiculous character flaws. They unlovingly bequeath us with their crapola because they’re emphatically incapable of being responsible, accountable adults.
Thank you very much for sharing your experience. We are here to listen and support each other through the total mess they create for us.
stupid psychos…
Thanks Jane and Oxy,
I really appreciate the support. I agree about all the stupid red flags. Healthy people spot these right away. I’m not sure why, even when I think I’m looking out for flags, I don’t see them for what they are and get taken in. I was reading a couple other threads on this site about society changing and extoling the virtues of greed rather than love, and another thread about the voice of a psychopath. Listening to that guy Dimitri was so strange! Part of me was laughing at what a loser the guy was. Sadly, a small part of me was putting myself in Olga’s place and would secretly have felt great that someone considered me “elegant” and worth his valuable time!! This is the part I know I need to fix.
I also have existential-type thoughts about how society has changed. How the majority value steam-rolling people for profit and how things actually should be. If we see someone hurting or in need we who have empathy and compassion should be able to help them. Isn’t that the only way to change things? How can we do that, though? I’ve learned to look out for many traits, but I keep getting sucked in by the wrong people. I’m working on this in therapy. I have a wonderful psychologist. Her theory is that there are those of us on earth who are types of “angels” (her term, not mine!). We angels attract people who have many sick qualities that they need to fix. We angels show them the high road and invite them to come with us -because we see the potential beauty in them and want the best for them. But, for whatever reason or weakness in them, they choose to take the sick and easier path. They’ve lost an opportunity to change and grow. I like the thought of that, and try to hang on to it. Sometimes, though, the pain they inflict is just too much for me. Maybe that’s what a group like this is for. Fellowship and support. Thanks again!
Dear Henry: You should read the book “A New Earth”. I believe you would love this book. Especially, if you think you can’t get over something. You can log onto Oprah.com give yourself a password and download all Tolle’s taped detailed discussion about the 10 chapters of the book. It’s FREE. Just log in and start listening to what this man has to say. I highly recommend this author for anyone who wants to understand themselves better.
Dear stillsortingitout: The reason WE attrack anti-social personalities is easy to answer. We are nice, decent, thoughtful, caring, loving, kind, etc. etc. The other women don’t, cause they are B – t – hes. Plain and simple. You can tell your therapist that.
Peace.
Henry
I’ve read all your posts since you started posting and I think you’re very “right” and so do your boys and your grandkids, your dogs and Miss Puss…in fact, I bet you’re a hero to all of them.
I know you’re doing some soul-searching right now and I’m happy for you but I just wanted to say I think you’re pretty ok!
🙂
Free,
I crack myself up many times. It’s always been rather easy for me to giggle at me over something I said or did. Usually when I’ve just tripped on a little pebble and fallen in front of a huge audience…haha. My clumsiness keeps me humble, keeps me from being a vain brat!
And YES!! I applaud you, sister! I’ve been reflecting on my past experiences with negative, unfulfilling, just plain awful people in my life. All of them since ditching the Music Man from my life. As Donna wrote…”struck gold” is what I did. And I am so, so very grateful for discovering all that buried crap I felt for sure was finished, gone, dust. It wasn’t.
Now, I consider myself super rich after striking that ignored gold. Like you, I am a tough, smart woman today. I have altered quite a bit of my own behavior, attitudes and it’s been so beneficial for me. I actually challenge people now if they intrude on my boundaries, my space. I say..”No, don’t do that. It’s not right.” And, it works! They back off.
I was also a chronic apology giver even when I wasn’t the one who was at fault. Not anymore. Those days are done! I still apologize to my cats and my furniture when I bump into them, but noone sees this except the Lord, and He’s not telling…haha.
You’re so awesome, Free. I love reading your comments to me and to all the LoveFraud peeps. I can actually feel your positive vibrations in every word you write.
Now, let’s go get a carrot juice cocktail and tofu salad. Then we’ll swing by an animal shelter and love up on all the critters. Maybe take a few of the babies home with us….haha.
***BIG HUG****
Wini,
What’s wrong with being a b*tch? Feminists (which I consider myself one of a much maligned group of women) consider it a favorable description for empowered women. A term of grudging admiration. A compliment if you will. I agree wholeheartedly. When a predator can’t force you to comply to his selfish wants (like saying…”smile!”) he calls you a b*tch. So? Good! Stay away, sicko predator!
Anyway, b*tch is short for Babe In Total Control of Herself. So cool! So true!
I asked my best friend (x bf -5 yrs) if he would call me a b*tch, because it’s been YEARS since anyone has. I can’t remember when the last time I was referred to in that way. I think maybe I’ve been submitting to Kathy’s “cult of nice” and allowing too, too many people to stomp on me at their pleasure.
He was horrified! He said…”NO! I can’t call you that! Even if you think it’s a compliment!”..haha.
sigh….darn that man for being such a gentleman and not calling me a b*tch!…haha
Wow, FRee, great post!
I too do the “emotional autopsy” on relationships, or if they are still possibly viable sometimes “exploratory surgery” –LOL
The boundary setting with those close to me is still in its beginning stages, but having been okay with boundary setting with those not so close to me, I have some practice, and I AM getting better at setting boundaries for those close to me.
The thing we have to realize is that when we set a boundary, we have to be prepared for the END of that relationship if it is not respected. I think in the past I was never prepared to “end” a close relationshp for “something so small”—well the “somethings small” seem to pile up into a huge mountain if you dont’ “nip it in the bud” so to speak.
Abuse starts small, and if it is not “noticed” or “confronted” early on it will escalate and before long you don’t even notice but the relationshp has become very painful and the abuse obvious. How did that happen? When did that happen? SLOWLY is how and when.
Now I am finally prepared to let ANY RELATIONSHIP go if the person is abusive to me. I dont walk on egg shells around anyone. I try to be fair, honest, and open with those I love, but when I feel that I am having to “walk on egg shells” around them, I call a halt, take things into perspective (so I don’t just fly off the handle cause I’m having a bad day) but then I ACT on it in a cool, rational, and calm way. Setting a boundary and having set it, I am prepared to defend it. Even if it ends the relationship.
I can’t remember here who pointed it out to me, forgive my poor memory, but I was talking about setting boundaries over “small” things, and she pointed out that it isn’t the size of the boundary it is the DISRESPECT that they show, so no, you are not cutting someone out of your life for eating the last piece of cake, you are shutting them out for “showing disrespect”—and there is a big difference there.
Have a good day!!!!!
I would like to play the list game but mine comes with a twist…
I can love, you never will!
I can feel empathy for others, you refuse too or can’t!
I enjoy my emotions (feeling) you block your!
I can accept my part of responsibility and accountability. You never will!
I can heal from this pain, you live in denial and never will grow or heal from your pain!
I can learn to like myself for who I am, you only have a fault self and never will know yourself!
I will go on to have a normal loving and caring relationship, your will always be dysfunctional and without compassion!
I will learn to trust others, you can’t trust anyone but yourself!
I know my children love and care for me, does your?
I will grow old with my children, were are your children today?