Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
After reading Donna’s newest book on the 10 Red Flags of spotting psychopaths, I got to thinking that there are Red Flags in our own lives that we should also take notice of and avoid.
When we first start the “journey toward healing,” and I do think it is a journey, not a destination, we have to learn the things about ourselves that we need to change in order to live a healthy life, one free of psychopaths and other abusers. Our journey started out in learning the behavior of the psychopaths and abusers so we could spot these people who will not change their bad behavior, but it ends up being learning about ourselves, and how our own behavior contributed to the psychopath’s ability to continue to abuse us.
The Red Flags we can see in people who are not healthy, who are not going to “play nice,” are absolutely necessary to building a new life. (Thank you Donna for your newest book!) But we also need to learn the Red Flags of dysfunctional behavior in ourselves.
The new rules
If we want to become healthy, here are rules that I think we need to make for ourselves.
1. I will not continue to have contact with people who are abusive.
I will maintain NO CONTACT with people who have been abusive to me and do not show any remorse for this behavior. (The exception to this is if I am required by law to co-parent or otherwise maintain minimal contact.)
2. I will not behave in dishonest ways.
I will live an honest life in all ways, dealing with others as I would that they would deal with me. I will maintain the “do right” rule. If it is not “right” I will not do it.
3. I will not live in fantasy.
I will not live in the FANTASY of thinking I can control situations or other people that are out of my control. I will “let go and let God/the Universe” run the universe. I will not live in the fantasy of thinking that if I just try harder I can “fix” anything.
4. I will not be irresponsible.
I will assume responsibility for myself and those things that are my responsibility. I will support myself and my children financially and emotionally, doing healthy things and taking care of those things that are my responsibility. These may include stopping some bad habits such as alcohol and other substances, even too much or too little food or exercise.
5. I will not enable/rescue others.
This means that I will not assume responsibility for the things that others should be responsible for, even if they think I should be responsible for supporting them, or doing for them what they should and can do for themselves. The only “legitimate” rescue is to drag an unconscious person from a burning building.
6. I will not persecute others.
I will not punish others for not doing what I think is what they should do, or for living their lives in a way that brings problems upon themselves.
7. I will not be a volunteer victim.
I will not engage myself in behaviors or with dishonest or irresponsible people that will cause me to be victimized.
I will recognize that in the past I have done things that caused me to be vulnerable to being victimized by others. Because I continued to allow others to abuse me (whatever my excuses were), I know now that I must take responsibility for myself. Now that I KNOW better I must DO better.
Changing our own behavior
When I find myself “back sliding” and in a situation that is causing me distress, I must say to myself “STOP,” and then see what it is that is causing this distress in my feelings and in my life. Then I must take corrective action in the situation and change my own behavior to stop the distress.
Problems come up in our lives every day that we must solve, but if we do the best we can to live our lives honestly and responsibly, taking responsibility for those things that are our responsibility, the problems are pretty well minimized and there is little or no drama in our lives.
There may be someone in our lives that we can’t avoid, a co-worker or a neighbor who is hateful or problematic, but we can control our reaction to their behavior even though we can’t control them. We may even have to find another job, or accept that the one we have is not an ideal one, but we can tolerate it by changing our own attitude.
Life won’t always be a bowl of cherries; there will be problems. But as long as we live by the “do right” rule, and do what we know is the right way to live, the majority of the drama will be out of our lives. We will be less stressed out realizing that we are only in control of our own selves.
I have pretty much been financially independent my whole life starting working at “kid” things very young, hoeing cotton for $3 a day for 10 hours to buy things for myself when I was 12, getting a job after school in a pharmacy when I was 15, to pay for my horse and her feed. After I left home at 17 I was working for someone, supporting myself. I borrowed money from time to time from the egg donor but I paid back every cent plus interest. haven’t taken a dime from her in 40 years though, except christmas presents or birthday presents and she has “reminded” me of those as how “generous” she has been to me. Once she gave me $10,000 for christmas and said, “Well if I dont give it to you now, the IRS will get it.” (boy that made me feel good) after my husband died she kept trying to give me money and I said “I don’t need it” and she got upset that I wouldn’t take money from her. Upset that I maintained my independence….but then turned aorund and said I was trying to steal money from her. Then her “buddies” stole from her! LOL
Karma is a biatch!
Actually I would rather sleep in a card board box than to give up my independence. Being dependent on another person is a ONE-DOWN position, and I do not intend to be one down to anyone.
Back when I was a stay at home mom, and then without warning that was a rug that was pulled out from under me and I was living in the back of my pick up with my two kids, my cat and NO money I still maintained my independence. I found me a place to live, jobs (cleaning houses) and got back into college, then finished up my degree with a kid on each hip. I’m proud of that independence. I’m proud of the strength I had even when I thought I had none. That strength though beaten down, still helped me survive this last go round with my son and the Trojan Horse Psychopath. The Bible says that God won’t put more on us than we can handle, and I believe that, but at the same time, I believe sometimes He puts ALL we can handle on us and it is to increase our strength. The bigger loads we carry, the stronger we get. Just like lifting weights.
Look at what Erin Brock has done…when she was down with cancer and a stroke, and her kids God only knew where when her parents and the psychopath kidnapped them…she just got stronger and prevailed. Her son is now firmly on the side of the angels, and knows what his sperm donor is! That right there is a big TOWANDA for EB and for him. Junior now KNOWS for sure.
I’ve seen so much progress here, with Kimmy scratching her independence, her own little house and not having to answer to anyone for it. She also deserves a BIG TOWANDA for becoming beholden to no one!
We are all independent people again! Taking responsibility for ourselves and our own lives, deciding who is in it and who is NOT.
I have another one for your list, Oxy.
#9. Stop handing them the road map on how to hurt you.
If they show no interest in changing, stop telling them how much they upset or hurt you.
You’re asking for mercy or some kind of improvement. They’re delighting on finding out what works and what doesn’t.
And then we’re shocked and stunned when they do worse the next time around. Really? Why?
Jeepers, we’ve been telling them which buttons to push.
Say it once. If they don’t get it, no more second chances.
Oxy, I’ve been annoyed more than once with all the confidence God has in me on how much I can handle.
If long-suffering is an admirable trait, I must be close to being a saint.
#10. Stop shopping in empty stores.
If we want certain kindnesses, fun, love, empathy, understanding, compassion, or whatever in our lives, stop trying to obtain them from people who have never indicated that they are naturally prone to providing or intending on giving them.
Make your selections from what is available, not on what you hope will show up eventually.
Who has ever bought anything and brought it home fully expecting it to be different or to become better once you go it there?
#11. Stop seeking everyone else’s approval at your own expense.
Great article Oxy! If I had read this a few years ago it would likely have made me angry, sad, and I would have felt ashamed and defeated. What a joy to read it and UNDERSTAND!
A few years ago it was still really hard for me to take responsibility for my own choices, and reconcile those choices with my victimizations. It was so painful to look at the roots of my personal dysfunction. It was embarrassing to acknowledge how much I wanted to live in a fantasy, and not face the reality of my own childhood and subsequent dysfunction.
Even so, after time, and some periods of relative calm and self reflection, I FINALLY saw that I was the key. I, the deeper I, was what I wanted; and to connect with that deeper I personal WORK and accountability was in order. I would have to deal with my guilt and shame. I would have to stop trying to work my own issues out by trying to fix the world.
Like Kim, I had glimpses, but kept back sliding into old/learned patterns of self-destructive choices and behavior. Oh My Gosh, I have repeated 1-7 most of my life! Krazy! And I was so ashamed of it, and the messes I made in my life. I kept trying to bury it. My own wash-rinse-repeat cycle.
It looks so simple in the article. But in fact it is so complicated to unravel all the reasons ‘why’, and how, we end up being complicit in our own destruction.
Looking at all my family stuff, and then letting go of the anger that I am the one who will have to fix myself as a result of it took a LONG time. I was SO angry at being left to sort things out on my own. I felt I had already been through SO much, that someone else could damn well make me happy, and fulfill my dreams.
After all I was NOT responsible for my shitty upbringing and abuse.
But I am, fair or not, responsible for sorting through it all, allowing the pain of growth, and doing the hard work of earning my butterfly wings (thanks Skylar!).
Love to all of you,
Slim
G1S,
Your additions are brilliant!
No shopping at empty stores, waiting for the merchandise to show (as promised ;-0 )
No giving bad people a road map to manipulate us.
Gosh I have been on my knees with that map. Saying ‘see here, right here, this is where it hurts….’.
Thanks, Slim.
Loved your “My own wash-rinse-repeat cycle.” What a great visual that creates – somebody inside a front-loading washing machine going around and around.
I also loved, “Gosh I have been on my knees with that map. Saying ’see here, right here, this is where it hurts”.’.
We can add to that, “How could it be worse? Well, if you did……that would horrible. Do you have any idea how much that would really mess up my life?”
Let’s break out the silver platter!
#12. Trust your personal feedback and senses. Stop thinking that Monday morning, quarterback opinions are more accurate that your first-hand experiences and observations.
Is WalMart OK? Never mind, probably not.
You get what you pay for.