Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
After reading Donna’s newest book on the 10 Red Flags of spotting psychopaths, I got to thinking that there are Red Flags in our own lives that we should also take notice of and avoid.
When we first start the “journey toward healing,” and I do think it is a journey, not a destination, we have to learn the things about ourselves that we need to change in order to live a healthy life, one free of psychopaths and other abusers. Our journey started out in learning the behavior of the psychopaths and abusers so we could spot these people who will not change their bad behavior, but it ends up being learning about ourselves, and how our own behavior contributed to the psychopath’s ability to continue to abuse us.
The Red Flags we can see in people who are not healthy, who are not going to “play nice,” are absolutely necessary to building a new life. (Thank you Donna for your newest book!) But we also need to learn the Red Flags of dysfunctional behavior in ourselves.
The new rules
If we want to become healthy, here are rules that I think we need to make for ourselves.
1. I will not continue to have contact with people who are abusive.
I will maintain NO CONTACT with people who have been abusive to me and do not show any remorse for this behavior. (The exception to this is if I am required by law to co-parent or otherwise maintain minimal contact.)
2. I will not behave in dishonest ways.
I will live an honest life in all ways, dealing with others as I would that they would deal with me. I will maintain the “do right” rule. If it is not “right” I will not do it.
3. I will not live in fantasy.
I will not live in the FANTASY of thinking I can control situations or other people that are out of my control. I will “let go and let God/the Universe” run the universe. I will not live in the fantasy of thinking that if I just try harder I can “fix” anything.
4. I will not be irresponsible.
I will assume responsibility for myself and those things that are my responsibility. I will support myself and my children financially and emotionally, doing healthy things and taking care of those things that are my responsibility. These may include stopping some bad habits such as alcohol and other substances, even too much or too little food or exercise.
5. I will not enable/rescue others.
This means that I will not assume responsibility for the things that others should be responsible for, even if they think I should be responsible for supporting them, or doing for them what they should and can do for themselves. The only “legitimate” rescue is to drag an unconscious person from a burning building.
6. I will not persecute others.
I will not punish others for not doing what I think is what they should do, or for living their lives in a way that brings problems upon themselves.
7. I will not be a volunteer victim.
I will not engage myself in behaviors or with dishonest or irresponsible people that will cause me to be victimized.
I will recognize that in the past I have done things that caused me to be vulnerable to being victimized by others. Because I continued to allow others to abuse me (whatever my excuses were), I know now that I must take responsibility for myself. Now that I KNOW better I must DO better.
Changing our own behavior
When I find myself “back sliding” and in a situation that is causing me distress, I must say to myself “STOP,” and then see what it is that is causing this distress in my feelings and in my life. Then I must take corrective action in the situation and change my own behavior to stop the distress.
Problems come up in our lives every day that we must solve, but if we do the best we can to live our lives honestly and responsibly, taking responsibility for those things that are our responsibility, the problems are pretty well minimized and there is little or no drama in our lives.
There may be someone in our lives that we can’t avoid, a co-worker or a neighbor who is hateful or problematic, but we can control our reaction to their behavior even though we can’t control them. We may even have to find another job, or accept that the one we have is not an ideal one, but we can tolerate it by changing our own attitude.
Life won’t always be a bowl of cherries; there will be problems. But as long as we live by the “do right” rule, and do what we know is the right way to live, the majority of the drama will be out of our lives. We will be less stressed out realizing that we are only in control of our own selves.
I just love this article. I’ve read it about three times today already! I also love all the comments. 🙂
Ana, I liked what you said about comparing our insides to people’s outsides.
Nobody should be fooled by the outer trappings.
We don’t know what is going on in other people’s lives. We don’t know how they feel inside.
G1S,
Thanks. Spath ex friend got a new car. Am I envious? NOPE, cause I know she’s still the same misarable sob she always was and always will be no matter ‘what’ she gets.
I’m feeling pretty positive lately and I’m grateful for that.
Yeah!
Oxy,
love this article & what everyone has written.
slimone wrote something that really goes to the core of my dysfunctional life:
“It was embarrassing to acknowledge how much I….. {did}… not face the reality of my own childhood and subsequent dysfunction.”
Here’s my question:
Up until about 6 years ago, I never realized how dysfunctional my childhood was. So, up until about 6 years ago, I never realized how dysfunctional my life was. About 6 years ago, my mother died & it was only after her death that I came to consciously realize the dysfunction. In other words, my dysfunction was “normal”, so I never realized that what I took for “normal” was in fact dysfunction.
Have any of you experienced this?
I suppose I was always brain washed, gas lighted & minimalized when ever I stood up for myself, with my family & friends telling me that I was making too much out of it, I was too sensitive, no one is perfect, I’m too demanding, etc.
So, being surrounded in that environment, I never realized that family/friends were being dysfunctional. However, what I did know was that I (eventually) stopped liking-loving them because I disliked interacting with them. In effect, I went NC-LC. But, then the Ns & SPs would start on me with “why don’t you speak-see X anymore?” And that made me second guess myself: perhaps I judged X too harshly, so I’ll give X another chance. So, I’d let the Ns & SPs back into my life, only to regret doing so, again & again.
I guess my point/question is this: Since I lived in an environment that fostered self-doubt, I always felt I was wrong to shun people I did not want to be with. So, how could I ever know that I myself participated in the dysfunction? The dysfunction was my “normal”. And, when I tried to seek healthy relationships, my family & friends called me “too judgmental”.
Any one else have that experience?
Thanks!
The list of “new rules” affirms very clearly things I have been working on since I left my psychopathic ex-husband five years ago. We had been married 26 years and have 4 children. Last Tuesday I had take him to court for child support since he didn’t want to pay. Unfortunately he is a lawyer and understands the system very well. It was difficult, but I did it. I tried my best to maintain dignity, be calm, and show grace as his lawyer flung lies at me. I wish I had seen the list before I went to court. I would have written them down on paper and carried it close to my heart. I will do this in the future. Thank you for the post.
Clair, THAT IS MY LIFE STORY!!! Absolutely, and you have every right in the world to “shun” people who hurt you. You instincts are RIGHT ON!!!!! so hang in there girlfriend, you are on the right course! NC!!!!
Rebsusane,
Welcome to lovefraud and glad you enjoyed my article. It does start out about learning about them, but then it is about US and learning how we can live a BETTER life, not just keep them from inflicting more pain on us.
Keep on holding your head up and doing things with grace and dignity no matter what kind of stunts he pulls. Again, welcome!
Clair,
I completely understand your experience.
When I left my spath, I went to my parents’ house. As I stood there, pondering how controlling my spath had been, the memories of my parents’ exact same behavior when I was a teenager, made my heart fall to my feet.
I felt like I’d become aware of a curse, to always be in the grips of controlling people. I felt so sad for all the years I’d lost allowing others to dictate my life for the sheer pleasure of taking away my autonomy. And I had allowed it because I interpreted it as love. I thought love meant control. I couldn’t tell the difference because that’s what my parents had programmed me with.
Clair, YESSS!!!!
When others criticize you as being “too judgmental” or “too this” or “too that,” that is controlling behavior.
And the attitude of sheer entitlement to be in charge of you. It doesn’t matter if they are spaths (enjoy hurting you) or narcissists (you are an extension of themselves) or borderline (they have to be in control of everything so they don’t freak out)… the effect is the same.
“Well, SOMEONE has to tell you!”
“It’s for your own good.”
“You expect too much. No one is perfect.”
etc.
And as for the shunning, I think it is natural and NORMAL to listen to your gut instincts which tell you whom to stay away from. Especially if it is a repeating pattern.
When I think shunning is wrong, is when the other person acted differently than you expected or wanted him/her to (that would mean that YOU are controlling), and you are trying to inflict cruelty on them (i.e., “punish”) them for something you have judged them for — because you know that shunning them will hurt them more than anything else you could possibly do.
So… I wouldn’t call the first thing “shunning.” I would call it “no contact” which is self-protective for YOU, as opposed to your using your power to decide that you can pretend that another person doesn’t exist and that their hurt feelings and bewilderment don’t count, and that you have a right to treat them with inhuman cruelty.
Go ahead and avoid or have no contact with people who repeatedly hurt you! Nothing wrong with your protecting yourself.
20years, I’m in 100% agreement. At this point, I don’t really care how people perceive me, anymore. I have always (and, I do mean that literally) based my decisions and choices on the shame-core of the damaged “inner child.” I wanted approval and acceptance. And, that “need” or “want” is precisely what spaths play on. “You’re the ONLY person who has ever encouraged me,” was something that I heard from the exspath, the female ex-con, and countless other spaths that I have known.
What kind of bullshit is that? I’m the ONLY person throughout your entire life? Really? Seriously? No kidding? Nobody’s ever told you, “Good job,” in your life until I came along? WHAT A COMPLETE SETUP!!!!
Yes….avoid, shun, dismiss, no contact, walk away from, or put ANY comfortable label on the action, but do it for the sake of self-preservation! I don’t have to be mean or hateful about it, but I am not going to seek anyone else’s approval or acceptance, anymore. Opening that door is like that zombie onslaught in “I Am Legend.” Once there’s an “in,” there is no stopping the spath – they are very focused and quite relentless once that way in is revealed or discovered.