What is the single most powerful signifier of sociopathy?
How about, lack of empathy?
I don’t think so.
As an isolated factor, I don’t think lack of empathy best nails the sociopath.
Many millions of people, after all, lack empathy and aren’t sociopaths. Also, exactly what constitutes empathy is a subject of some disagreement. Some LoveFraud members, in fact, question whether sociopaths even lack empathy (some asserting, to the contrary, that the sociopaths they’ve known have used their capacity for empathy to exploit them).
But the biggest problem with lack of empathy is its weakeness in explaining the single, truly best signifier of sociopathy—the characterological exploitiveness of the sociopath.
It is a high level of exploitiveness that most singularly exposes the sociopath.
Now exploitiveness is also associated with the narcissistic personality. For this reason extremely destructive (“malignant”) narcissists can be hard to distinguish from sociopaths. Still, a high level of exploitiveness is rarely the single best signifier of narcissistic personality disorder, whereas it is, I suggest, the best single indicator of sociopathy.
Why does lack of empathy fail to explain the sociopath’s exploitiveness? It fails because most people who lack empathy are not exploitive. Just consider the autistic spectrum disorders: Lack of empathy is commonly associated with these disorders, but exploitive behavior is not.
Now it is true that empathic individuals will generally be nonexploitive. Why? Because their empathy will prove a deterrent against exploitative impulses or ideas. Empathy, in other words, surely is a powerful deterrent against exploitation.
But in someone nonexploitative (someone, say, with Asperger’s Syndrome), empathy will not be needed for its deterrent effect. However, in someone inclined to exploitation, lack of empathy will be a missing deterrent in a situation where deterrence is urgent.
Effectively, the sociopath’s exploitive nature is undeterred by empathy, which is missing, thus liberating him to exploit. And it is the sociopath’s tendency, or compulsion, to exploit, I propose, that best characterizes his sociopathy.
I’d be remiss not to clarify my working definition of empathy. Empathy, as I use it, is an experience, or appreciation, of another’s experience that, depending on the situation, elicits a thoughtful, respectful, perhaps nurturing, but never exploitive, response.
While some sociopaths may possess an evolved capacity to read others’ vulnerabilities, this doesn’t make them empathic.
It is the particular response to someone’s vulnerability that indicates the presence of empathy, or exploitation. It is the particular response, or pattern of responses, to someone’s vulnerability that separates the empathic individual from the predator.
In this respect, I regard the sociopath as seriously, and given his exploitive personality, dangerously deficient in empathy.
What about his remorselessness? Certainly the sociopath’s remorselessness is quite notable and diagnostically significant. However, I would argue that the sociopath’s remorselessness is a byproduct not of his lack of empathy, but of his exploitive personality.
Many people who lack empathy are remorseful, for instance when informed that an action they took, or something they said, left someone else feeling damaged. They may struggle to relate emotionally (or even intellectually) to the effect their behavior had on the wounded party (their deficient empathy); but they are upset to learn that their action caused damage.
In other words, they feel remorseful even though their empathy is deficient.
However, exploitation and remorselessness go hand in hand. The essence of exploitation is the intentional violation of another’s vulnerability. The exploiter knows, on some level, that his behavior is exploitive.
By definition, the exploiter is grossly indifferent to the damaging effect of his behavior on his victim. All that matters is his perceived gain, his demanded, greedy satisfaction. There is indifference to the loss and damage to others resulting from his self-centered, aggressive behaviors.
This sounds a lot like callousness; and we recognize callousness as another of the sociopath’s telling qualities. But I would suggest, again, that the sociopath’s callousness derives not from his defective empathy, but rather from his characterological exploitiveness. Most people with deficits in empathy are not callous. On the other hand, the exploitive mentality will engender a callous perspective.
I discussed in a prior post the audacity of the sociopath. I suggested a correspondence between audacity and sociopathy. But here, too, we want to get the causality correct: audacity doesn’t make for sociopathy; but the exploitive mentality will make for staggering audacity.
(My use of “he” in this post is for convenience’s sake, not to suggest that men have a patent on sociopathy. This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Jules, I was saying that the PAPERS lie! I hadn’t even thought about their ex’s lying, but I think there is plenty of that too! We have lots of the Scandal rags over here who print about some “star” “giving birth to a 2-headed baby whose father was an alien from Mars” or stories just as crazy. Some of them though (not the one about the alien from mars LOL) are true and some aren’t. There ARE plenty of psychopaths in the lime light of movies, music and politics!
I’m not doubting the lady who wrote the story you were telling about though, because it is I think pretty common for people who are “Public figures” to have one “personality” in public and one in private. My husband when he was a young pilot flew many “super stars” in the business and entertainment industry and he would tell me tales about all kinds of a$$es who were “mr. Nice guy” on the tube or in the movies but who was a total jerk off camera where their fans couldn’t see them.
Lots of Psychopaths pretend to be “nice” and “helpers” but when they are found out they end up losing their phony careers, and I hope that jerk does, Jules. TOWANDA for his lady for “outing” him! Good for her!!!
I think they’re ALL sadistic. In order to have POWER & CONTROL over someone (which is what they are after), you have to make the victim do something they don’t want to do. A measure of your POWER & CONTROL would be the degree to which the victim doesn’t want to do (or doesn’t like) what was done. I do think that some of them do not express their glee as vociferously as others. They may be nonchalant at accomplishing their goals of POWER & CONTROL. I think they just don’t get as excited about a their “WIN”. And further, if they don’t show their excitement . . it sets them up for going even further the next time with the same victim. So . . . IMHO . . I think all PSYCHOPATHS/NARCISSISTS/SOCIOPATHS are sadistic. i.e., how do they know how much power they have . . unless they can gauge how much Bad effect they had on the victim?
Thank you so very much for this article. I was involved for about a year and a half with a man who has been diagnosed as a Malignant Narcissist. After working with a therapist for a few months, describing his behaviors she told me that she believes he is a sociopath as well. This article does a fabulous job of explaining the relationship and blurry line between the two pathologies. It also cleared up some of the confusion I was having trying to reconcile my mother’s narcissism with my ex bf’s sociopathy.
Could someone point me to other articles or books on this particular distinction, i.e. empathy, exploitation and remorse?
Thanks@.......
LKamienski: Isn’t it interesting that a personality disordered person can be named after a form of cancer? “malignant” It’s creepy when you think about it, because they probably behave in our system the same way cancer does.
The books I have read that I would highly recommend are “How to Spot a Dangerous Man”, “The Sociopath Next Door”, and “Without Conscience”. The descriptions of the predatory sociopaths in all of these books should help you identify if the man you knew falls into that category. And of course there are many great articles on this site.
LKamienski: Just go through this site … there are more realities written about the likes of “them”! When you get finished reading what the professionals on this site wrote … you can read current and past blogs.
Peace.
I tell ya what! I started out Googling “sociopaths” and first read The mask of a sociopath” and from there I been bouncing all over lovefraud. Its amazing all the similarities of my own situation and my own ‘felt helplessnes.” But evverything is so true. My “S” couldn’t be alone. The first seven months of my ordeal she made me believe her ex was still stalking her and that no matter if I changed her phone number(which was a cell phone I provided she insisted she wasnt giving the info out. DUMBA@.......# me! Not only was she giving her the information but she was still taking her to lunch(which was an hour and a half drive) giving money(my money to her two small children)and telling her I was very controling. I found all this out in a stupid way. After I had given her thousands of dollars to get her away from this “ex”supposededly paying off the bills she had ran up I was out one night doing karaoke and ran into someone that was a sister to one of my “S’s” supposed friends. She informed me that my “S” had a sexually transmitted disease. I literally spit my drink out and was at a loss for words. I came home, woke my “S” up and confronted her about it. it was not pretty. she started stumbling over her words and lying and i kept pressing. she admitted she was with someone that had a sexually transmitted disease but she didnt have it anymore(more lies) next thing I know she started bumping my chest and saying come on hit me, you know you want to. I pushed her off and I was in a headlock and pushed into the wall backwards where my back cracked and I fell to the floor. She stood over me for a minute then left, I waited until my doctors office opened and drug myself in there. My back was fractured in two places! she called while I was in the doctors office and asked what I was doing, I said I am at the damn doctors office and dont come back to my house. A friend helped me put her stuff outside which one of her friends came and got and said “this is not the first time Ive done this for her” I was in a back brace for three months and lost thousands of dollars not being able to work. She calls and tells me how sorry she was and what a huge mistake she had made and what do I do? Let her back in…..then I start noticing on my phone records(that she still carried)a number that was familiar to me. It was someone I had dated for about a month and a half before I met her that I had told her all about. I asked her about that and she denied it. At this point she wasnt back living me fully staying with friends here and there and me when she wanted to. Also the “friend” that had come to get her stuff from before called me and said she had been on their pc talking to someone and they gave me her name. It was the person I had dated from before. So I devised my own plan. I told my “S” I had gotten a phone call from the new girlfriend of the old girfriend I had dated telling me to tell her to stop calling. (I KNOW DRAMA RIGHT?) but it worked. My “S” denied everything again and was pissed at me and gone once again. One week later , her original ex calls me and informs me that they were back together. I said great! I want out of this shit! Then she says “I want to ask you a question. I said sure….. she then asks me how I met my “s” in which I told her that it was online. she went off because my “S” had told her i was an old friend from way back blah blah blah.. and she spilled the beans….. she sent me all the emails my “S” had sent her about how I changed the phone numbers and that this is how she could be reached. How I was this awful person that tried to control her and she even sent me a picture where my “S” was at my ex’s house but with her too…..OMG!!! sociopaths are ruthless, they have no empathy….and guess what? it became all my fault. I had the original ex make a three way call(unbeknownst to my “S”) to my “S”and she was to discuss being with her and the other girl. I listened quietly and the three way call ended. I then called my “S” and asked what she was doing. she told me she was asleep and had been for awhile and then I sprung on her that she was busted and quoted from the previous converstaion she just had had. She went ballistic and hung up.
This was just our first year……I let her back in for two more years of the same crap……I finally found this site. she has been gone for two months and I am trying to be strong!!! just today she text/emailed me eight times saying she wanted to live out her end of the lifelong committment she had made to me…….blah blah blah…..she is relentless and I am learning everyday that no contact is the MOST important step in me getting away from her and at the same time a lesson in self control that has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
Anetsu, sounds like you had yourself a card carrying, bonafide Sociopath with a capital S. Isn’t it just a kick in the pants to find out the person you were in love with doesn’t really exist, and inhabiting their body is a monster? The part about the 3-way call is very familiar to me. I set up a 3-way conference call with mine where he didn’t know I was listening in. I had to hear him lying to my friend with my own two ears to finally know what he was. I wish for you the strength to stay away from her. She may say all kinds of romantic things, but words mean nothing to sociopaths. They will say whatever, do whatever, pull out all stops to try and control you.
Well, I posted my S on Womansavers and Don’tDateHimGirl. That’s about all I can do right now. I could expose him completely, but I would only look like the nut he says I am, so I’ll wait. He’ll self-combust.
Anetsu
Welcome To the Club!:)~ Sorry your a member!
This is the entrance ! You may check in ! But you can never leave! :)~ LOVE JJ
Stargazer,
She IS a bonofide card carrying member. Makes me want to turn in my lesbian badge too(LOL) I was the perfect target for her because I possess so much empathy for other people. Even after the three way call should’ve proven to me I guess I became the codependent and enabled her by looking the other way. Even after asking her if she still was talking to the third girl she cheated on me with and I had found out about. She took my face into her hands and looked me in the eye so sweetly and said ” I promise I am not talking to her” I said okay and walked directly into the kitchen where she had just come into the house and laid her phone down not ten minutes before and picked up her phone and opened it up. Just 15 minutes prior(which was five minutes before she walked into the house) She had sent the girl a text asking her to call her later and the girl had repied, of course sweety I cant wait to talk to you. And I got mad and instead of kicking her sorry ass out I called the girl!!! Telling her to stay away…blah blah and now I realize thats exactly what my “S” wanted. And the girl started dogging me about how badly I had treated my “S” and that she deserved someone better than me!!!! OMG!! and you are so right about them saying anything and everything to control us. It has taken me about thirty minutes to write this post because my dog was on the sunporch and started barking and I went out to see what she was barking about and when I opened the door to go out on the sunporch she was staring me in the face!!!!!!!! I immediately said “Don’t ever show up at my house unnannounced again and as a matter of fact you have some nerve just walking into my house period! I see Im gonna have to get a restraining order against this crazy biotch. I gave her 20 minutes too much of my time listening to her tell me she cant let me walk out of her life(she was the one who told me when she was gonna be out this last time) How much she loved me and that she didnt want to lose me and would I write down everything I needed her to do to make this work. GEESH! They really dont get it do they. I told her she was a sociopath and she asked me what that was(LOL) I said you wouldnt get it if I told ya and then she said she was gonna do some research on it. Oh, that made my heart sink because I hope she doesnt find this site because it will just give her more power. auugghh! She then said again, I dont want to lose you and I need you. I told her I understood because she really didnt want to lose me and she did need me, however, she had lost her power to control me and her meal ticket just expired and that she needed to go, NOW!!! Crocodile tears filled her eyes and she turned to go and pulled her keys out and when she clicked her keyless entry I noticed it made a sound that HER car didnt make. I stuck my head out the door and I’ll be damned if she wasnt in the car of the girl she is living with now!!!!!!! RUTHLESS!!!!! I WILL REGAIN MY LIFE BACK!!!!