What is the single most powerful signifier of sociopathy?
How about, lack of empathy?
I don’t think so.
As an isolated factor, I don’t think lack of empathy best nails the sociopath.
Many millions of people, after all, lack empathy and aren’t sociopaths. Also, exactly what constitutes empathy is a subject of some disagreement. Some LoveFraud members, in fact, question whether sociopaths even lack empathy (some asserting, to the contrary, that the sociopaths they’ve known have used their capacity for empathy to exploit them).
But the biggest problem with lack of empathy is its weakeness in explaining the single, truly best signifier of sociopathy—the characterological exploitiveness of the sociopath.
It is a high level of exploitiveness that most singularly exposes the sociopath.
Now exploitiveness is also associated with the narcissistic personality. For this reason extremely destructive (“malignant”) narcissists can be hard to distinguish from sociopaths. Still, a high level of exploitiveness is rarely the single best signifier of narcissistic personality disorder, whereas it is, I suggest, the best single indicator of sociopathy.
Why does lack of empathy fail to explain the sociopath’s exploitiveness? It fails because most people who lack empathy are not exploitive. Just consider the autistic spectrum disorders: Lack of empathy is commonly associated with these disorders, but exploitive behavior is not.
Now it is true that empathic individuals will generally be nonexploitive. Why? Because their empathy will prove a deterrent against exploitative impulses or ideas. Empathy, in other words, surely is a powerful deterrent against exploitation.
But in someone nonexploitative (someone, say, with Asperger’s Syndrome), empathy will not be needed for its deterrent effect. However, in someone inclined to exploitation, lack of empathy will be a missing deterrent in a situation where deterrence is urgent.
Effectively, the sociopath’s exploitive nature is undeterred by empathy, which is missing, thus liberating him to exploit. And it is the sociopath’s tendency, or compulsion, to exploit, I propose, that best characterizes his sociopathy.
I’d be remiss not to clarify my working definition of empathy. Empathy, as I use it, is an experience, or appreciation, of another’s experience that, depending on the situation, elicits a thoughtful, respectful, perhaps nurturing, but never exploitive, response.
While some sociopaths may possess an evolved capacity to read others’ vulnerabilities, this doesn’t make them empathic.
It is the particular response to someone’s vulnerability that indicates the presence of empathy, or exploitation. It is the particular response, or pattern of responses, to someone’s vulnerability that separates the empathic individual from the predator.
In this respect, I regard the sociopath as seriously, and given his exploitive personality, dangerously deficient in empathy.
What about his remorselessness? Certainly the sociopath’s remorselessness is quite notable and diagnostically significant. However, I would argue that the sociopath’s remorselessness is a byproduct not of his lack of empathy, but of his exploitive personality.
Many people who lack empathy are remorseful, for instance when informed that an action they took, or something they said, left someone else feeling damaged. They may struggle to relate emotionally (or even intellectually) to the effect their behavior had on the wounded party (their deficient empathy); but they are upset to learn that their action caused damage.
In other words, they feel remorseful even though their empathy is deficient.
However, exploitation and remorselessness go hand in hand. The essence of exploitation is the intentional violation of another’s vulnerability. The exploiter knows, on some level, that his behavior is exploitive.
By definition, the exploiter is grossly indifferent to the damaging effect of his behavior on his victim. All that matters is his perceived gain, his demanded, greedy satisfaction. There is indifference to the loss and damage to others resulting from his self-centered, aggressive behaviors.
This sounds a lot like callousness; and we recognize callousness as another of the sociopath’s telling qualities. But I would suggest, again, that the sociopath’s callousness derives not from his defective empathy, but rather from his characterological exploitiveness. Most people with deficits in empathy are not callous. On the other hand, the exploitive mentality will engender a callous perspective.
I discussed in a prior post the audacity of the sociopath. I suggested a correspondence between audacity and sociopathy. But here, too, we want to get the causality correct: audacity doesn’t make for sociopathy; but the exploitive mentality will make for staggering audacity.
(My use of “he” in this post is for convenience’s sake, not to suggest that men have a patent on sociopathy. This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
[you can’t define it, you really cant argue against it, you are in a house of mirror’s, you can’t find your reality.] Are any of you old enough to remember the Twilight zone on TV? Was it Rod Sterling that was the narative or host? I remember as a child watching those episode’s and at the end your hit with this WHAM – nothing I was watching was ever real – they twisted reality and f–ked with your mind….
I thik that they need an “audience” to appreciate their “greatness”—that if no one else admires them for what they do—crooked business deal, dump on or cheat on another person, etc.—it is like it isn’t any satisfaction to them unless they can share that “triumph” with someone who will “appreciate it.” Siince NO ONE is as good, bright, smart, cunning, mean, etc. as they are, there really isn’t a peer of theirs, but they still need an audience.
My P-bio father said (in interviews in print) that he was THE smartest man that ever lived (and if you didn’t believe him, just ask him) smarter than Einstein, than anyone. Yet he craved attention of others and the ENVY of others. He wanted everyone to think he was a smart Hugh Hefner, with hot and cold running bimbos and adventure and fear from others who wanted so badly to be like him, but “just couldn’t make it.”
In actual fact, lots of people feared him with good reason, including all his wives and children, and most business and ex business associates. He was so crass he didn’t even realize that people thought he was about as “low class” as you could get, but because he was wealthy, he thought they HAD TO ENVY HIM. It never dawned on him that all the money in the world couldn’t buy respect or “class.” He never realized that making people fear him didn’t generate respect or admiration. He bombed out on all counts, and as far as I know there has never been anyone associated with him for any length of time that had any personal affection for him before too long. He had his 15 minutes of fame, his interview in Playboy with his 18 yr old wife (he was nearly 60 at the time) but no one with any couth at all would have touched him with a 10 foot pole.
Psychopaths seek “rushes” and excitement in one way or another, his rushes came from constant and intense anger and rage. He loved to be angry, to feel superior to the rest of the human race, yet he needed the in order to be in the “footlights” and on stage. What a “Catch 22”—despising the rest of humanity yet desperately wanting their admiration.
My P-son gets his rushes from “breaking rules” and getting away with it, then if he doesn’t get away with it, he can be angry at the cops for catching him—it is always someone else’s fault that he got in trouble. Yet, even he needs an “audience” and the only audience he has is the rest of the convicts, whom he despises as well—he actually sees himself as a “success” in life. DUH!???
That is so true about them needing an “audience” for their incessant boasting….And if people reject the way they boast and brag about their self-proclaimed talents they assume they are just envious!
OxDrover,
I must start posting to other peoples posts but yours are so darned interesting! About your P- bio father. Good grief! I can relate to having family members that just embarass the hell out of me. Everything they say and do is presented as okey-dokey by them like it’s the most normal thing in the world. They are a small portion of family but they feel to me like an enormous crowd because they are so noisy, attention grabbing and never seem to stop their B.S. The more wicked the act the bigger and louder the distraction from the ugly reality of what they are doing. Yes, they certainly love to hold court by surrounding themselves with people who will encourage, justify, affirm and hand them the excuses they demand. I’m sick of these reprobates and I feel everyone here are sick of the reprobates they are dealing with (even in the aftermath). I’m glad I can come here and tell them to p-ss off and never have to look at their faces or hear the ugly bones fall from their lips. I’m glad I can get it all out. It’s like poison leaving my system. I wonder how many of the P’s that have turned the worlds of the good people on here upside down and think they have effectively silenced their prey; would be horrified to know these people have a voice and are here healing. A little time, a little grace and we are all survivors!!!
Well Steve I agree 100% with what you have written . However is this not just another sypmtom along with the lies , the manipulation , the lack of empathy etc etc . I suppose that what I am getting at is , what the hell are they ??. I feel that I am at the stage now where I can literally see them without any other evidence . I have tested my perception on a number of occasions and so far I have had one maybe , that at this point I am not sure of . The rest about 20, mostly women , I would have to say were 100% psychopath . I have become aware of psychopaths in the past 8 months after I broke up with a psychopathic woman that took me to emotional hell . So heres the question . What am I seeing .
Just to add weight to what I am saying . The other night I was in the local bar . At this bar we quite often discuss the whole psychopath delemma and even some of the waitresses have gotten in on the discussion . Well last night a woman and a man walked into the bar . The woman was good looking , probably in her 40s . Could probably pass for 30 in most situations . At first I barely noticed her until she passed by not far from me and our eyes met . Right then there was a reaction between us . My impression was this . As our eyes met I knew instantly she was a psychopath . At the same time she knew instantly , that I knew she was a psychopath . Her stare intensified and became more piercing and then eye contact was lost to the crowd . What was that , what was I seeing and how did she know I had seen her . The bar was fairly busy that night . Not far from me were a couple of waitresses that I new quite well . I beckoned to one of them and she came over to where I was sitting . I told her in a hushed voice that there was a psychopath in the bar and then asked her if she thought she could figure out who . At this point the other waitress also came over , curious as to what we were talking about , I suggested that they should both go psychopath hunting and get back to me when they figured out who the psychopath was . They were both enthralled with the concept and headed off in different directions with their trays . I had to laugh as the expressions on their faces had changed to a somewhat sherlock Holmsy look . There were about 50 people in the bar and most of the tables were full . I did not tell them whether it was a male or a female they were looking for . The one waitress came back within 5 minutes and indiacted to me who her choice was . She indicated to me her choice without pointing . It was the woman who had given me the piercing look . I acknowledged that she was correct . She headed off to the bar to get a tray of drinks . The other waitress then showed up a couple of minutes latter . “So“ I said . She leaned closer and indicated to me the same woman that the other waitress had picked .
Yes , we all know what the sypmtoms are , but do we really know , what they are . For what its worth ,I am 52 years old and have lived in a number of counties . At the moment I live in Canada . In the past my instincts saved me from these kinds of people , even though I did not know what they were . When I met my X my instincts failed me and I became the victim of a human predator unlike anything I had ever experienced before . For the last 8 months I have been trying to figure out what this woman had done to me and how she had done it . Of course the other question was how come my instincts failed me when I needed them most . I slept with the devil and did not even know it , until it was almost too late . Well I know psychopaths inside and out now, but I still do not know what they are . They are intelligent , confusing , phoney ,nasty , manipulative , controlling sympathy seeking , ly lots, selfish , egotistical , the list goes on , but what the hell are they .
Dear Dr. Steve,
I Love the article. I feel you are right on every count.
One thing I wish (for personal reasons), that you had adressed more in depth…
How DO you tell the difference between a malignant narcissist and a sociopath? (Almost sounds like the set up for a bad joke, especially at this late hour). This has been a question in my mind from the beginning of my self education on my ex. when we separated 5 years ago. There seems to be so much overlap in the syptoms/behaviors of the two. Is there one defining factor, one LINE that must be crossed for a diagnosis of sociopath vs. “just” a mailignant narcisist. That’s in quotes because I couldn’t think of a better way of phrasing it…..as if malignant narcissist wasn’t bad enough! My story is like so many others here. I wish I could go NC and say I could care less now/not my problem. But my kids are still in the middle of it and being exploited and hurt in the process of his attemps to hurt/control/devalue/besmirch/torment me and serve/protect his selfishness and cover up his past. Perhaps, since I feel like prey, it would be better to know what is hunting me. Perhaps a label just gives folks more comfort….or more fear? But maybe, just maybe knowing whether it is a garden spider or a house spider would be an advantage in protecting the lady bug and her family.
Thanks.
Peace and Be Well.
Oxd
I Would like to Agree! The most Obvious Evil is their enjoyment in the deciet , game , play , drama , act , and accomplishment of their goals and crimes! To brag about doing something that is obviously wrong IS EVIL!
LOVE JJ
Escaped
Have you Read The aftermath of the Sociopath by Dr Hare? If not Google it and it will probably sound like your life story , like it did for me! LOVE JJ
Hello QUEST: Your feedback is riveting…what a fascinating experiment you and your friends conducted in that bar. You also tell that story, by the way, incredibly well. You might want to consider going into the writing profession (if you’re not already)? I apologize in advance–my feedback will not do yours credit. But briefly, I think I get the gist of your puzzlement and mystified position? When you ask, “What are they?,” I think that your question really captures, on some level, the inexplicability of the psychopath, along with the mix of feelings, questions, and pain he or she elicits. Very interesting, and thanks.
Hello ESCAPED: I wrote a previous article, which is archived, called Differentiating Narcissists and Psychopaths….I don’t know if you read it, or, if you did, if you found it useful in any way? I personally think there’s little meaningful difference between what are called “malignant narcissists” and sociopaths/psychopaths. A malignant narcissist, versus let us say a non-malignant narcissist, is really to my mind just a euphemism for “malignant person.” Malignant narcissists, in other words, are malignant people. They are destructive, ruthless in their violation of others, pathologically egocentric, probably ego-maniacal, and much like sociopaths (if not almost exactly like sociopaths) they regard others as objects to exploit, even destroy, if it suits their selfish, ego-driven, or rage-driven, agendas. There may be some differences in the driving forces that propel malignant narcissists and psychopaths to their destructive behaviors…however, in the final analysis, both personalities share the chilling capacity to regard others as objects or inconveniences, thus to be manipulated, or even removed if necessary, as they please.
Quest
So what Clued you to that person? was it the look/eyes I am still rather clueless what tips you off! But I am also interested in this detection. We need like a pagerdetector that SCREAMS at the approach of the Psycopath! :)~