What is the single most powerful signifier of sociopathy?
How about, lack of empathy?
I don’t think so.
As an isolated factor, I don’t think lack of empathy best nails the sociopath.
Many millions of people, after all, lack empathy and aren’t sociopaths. Also, exactly what constitutes empathy is a subject of some disagreement. Some LoveFraud members, in fact, question whether sociopaths even lack empathy (some asserting, to the contrary, that the sociopaths they’ve known have used their capacity for empathy to exploit them).
But the biggest problem with lack of empathy is its weakeness in explaining the single, truly best signifier of sociopathy—the characterological exploitiveness of the sociopath.
It is a high level of exploitiveness that most singularly exposes the sociopath.
Now exploitiveness is also associated with the narcissistic personality. For this reason extremely destructive (“malignant”) narcissists can be hard to distinguish from sociopaths. Still, a high level of exploitiveness is rarely the single best signifier of narcissistic personality disorder, whereas it is, I suggest, the best single indicator of sociopathy.
Why does lack of empathy fail to explain the sociopath’s exploitiveness? It fails because most people who lack empathy are not exploitive. Just consider the autistic spectrum disorders: Lack of empathy is commonly associated with these disorders, but exploitive behavior is not.
Now it is true that empathic individuals will generally be nonexploitive. Why? Because their empathy will prove a deterrent against exploitative impulses or ideas. Empathy, in other words, surely is a powerful deterrent against exploitation.
But in someone nonexploitative (someone, say, with Asperger’s Syndrome), empathy will not be needed for its deterrent effect. However, in someone inclined to exploitation, lack of empathy will be a missing deterrent in a situation where deterrence is urgent.
Effectively, the sociopath’s exploitive nature is undeterred by empathy, which is missing, thus liberating him to exploit. And it is the sociopath’s tendency, or compulsion, to exploit, I propose, that best characterizes his sociopathy.
I’d be remiss not to clarify my working definition of empathy. Empathy, as I use it, is an experience, or appreciation, of another’s experience that, depending on the situation, elicits a thoughtful, respectful, perhaps nurturing, but never exploitive, response.
While some sociopaths may possess an evolved capacity to read others’ vulnerabilities, this doesn’t make them empathic.
It is the particular response to someone’s vulnerability that indicates the presence of empathy, or exploitation. It is the particular response, or pattern of responses, to someone’s vulnerability that separates the empathic individual from the predator.
In this respect, I regard the sociopath as seriously, and given his exploitive personality, dangerously deficient in empathy.
What about his remorselessness? Certainly the sociopath’s remorselessness is quite notable and diagnostically significant. However, I would argue that the sociopath’s remorselessness is a byproduct not of his lack of empathy, but of his exploitive personality.
Many people who lack empathy are remorseful, for instance when informed that an action they took, or something they said, left someone else feeling damaged. They may struggle to relate emotionally (or even intellectually) to the effect their behavior had on the wounded party (their deficient empathy); but they are upset to learn that their action caused damage.
In other words, they feel remorseful even though their empathy is deficient.
However, exploitation and remorselessness go hand in hand. The essence of exploitation is the intentional violation of another’s vulnerability. The exploiter knows, on some level, that his behavior is exploitive.
By definition, the exploiter is grossly indifferent to the damaging effect of his behavior on his victim. All that matters is his perceived gain, his demanded, greedy satisfaction. There is indifference to the loss and damage to others resulting from his self-centered, aggressive behaviors.
This sounds a lot like callousness; and we recognize callousness as another of the sociopath’s telling qualities. But I would suggest, again, that the sociopath’s callousness derives not from his defective empathy, but rather from his characterological exploitiveness. Most people with deficits in empathy are not callous. On the other hand, the exploitive mentality will engender a callous perspective.
I discussed in a prior post the audacity of the sociopath. I suggested a correspondence between audacity and sociopathy. But here, too, we want to get the causality correct: audacity doesn’t make for sociopathy; but the exploitive mentality will make for staggering audacity.
(My use of “he” in this post is for convenience’s sake, not to suggest that men have a patent on sociopathy. This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Well, I loved him.
And strange as it sounds under the circumstances, I had reason to love him. Even if I was loving something that was mostly projection of my own desires. There were also real things about him that were outstanding, even though there were things that were terribly wrong with him.
In any case, I had to make peace with what is wrong with him, and the fact that it eliminated any possibility of a healthy relationship with him. I can’t fix him. I can’t do anymore to help him. I was in a deluded state when I did what I did. And I had to recognize that any sort of trying was just going to wound me more.
It was really hard, the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Because facing that involved facing a lot of other things I’d been avoiding all my life. What my boyfriend did to me was peanuts beside what my father did to me. And my ex wasn’t only abusive situation I’d walked into with my hand raised, singling “Choose me.”
But sometimes surrendering to what is out of our power to change is the key to recovering our strength and joy in life. Letting these people be crazy was, for me, the beginning of not being crazy myself.
Rune, my relationship may have been different, but I also suspect you’re still in the process of healing, and you may not ultimately live with these beliefs. That may not be so, but I hope it is. It’s hard to live in a world where inexplicable evil of that magnitude exists.
In my relationship, I also had some advantages in the situation which I didn’t consciously exploit, but which forced him to deal with me. Until the last year or so, when I was really in a walking breakdown, I refused to accept that he was incapable of love. And I controlled his money. So without intending to torture him, I forced him to be a lot more expressive than I think he would have been otherwise. I didn’t understand a lot of what I heard at the time, but I’ve had years to think about it.
I also have the benefit of his writing. It’s startlingly candid about what it’s like to be him, although he mostly frames it as fiction. It’s where his limitations really show. His flashiest attempts shift the attention to “lesser” people and their bone-headed attempts to be successful, loved or even at peace with themselves are just tragic. It breaks my heart over again every time I read one of them.
I can’t really know what anyone else went through. I can only guess. I have my own memories of the empty-eyed monster watching while I cried, calculating exactly what he’d have to do to keep me on the job. But his betrayals were relatively small, constant and incremental. I watched him (and me colluding with him) destroying my life and my relationship with myself. But I knew what was coming on one level, even though on another I kept trying to make it different.
I spent a long time thinking about the concept of evil. I don’t know if I’ve written about it here. What I finally came to, for myself, is that evil is something that happened to me. Something that hurt me. Something that failed to care about me. Something that saw me as an expendable, usable commodity for its hunger, and tried to destroy the creative spark in me and replace it with a fear-based reactivity that would dominate my life and make me fodder to other things like it.
It was really about what happened in me. What hurts me, I call evil.
But ultimately I don’t want to give it the power that I would give it by naming it. This is my pain, my story, and I want to concentrate on that. What I’m going to do about it, and how I’m going to go on.
A lot of this orientation came from the forgiveness class I took with Fred Luskin of the Stanford University Forgiveness Project at http://www.emindful.com. I wasn’t nearly over it when I took the class, but I wanted to reduce the anger, anxiety and grief that were tying up too much of my mental energy.
This approach to forgiveness isn’t about saying that what happened is okay in anyway. Or about any interaction with the person who injured us. It’s about relieving our own stress and determining how much energy we want to give a memory. It’s not recommended for anyone in the first stages of recovery, and I think they ask you to be at least a year out from the causative trauma.
It was another one of those corner-turning things for me. I wrote a lot about it at the time, but now I can’t remember the insights that I drew from it. I just know they massively affected both my thinking and my emotions at the time. And helped me move forward.
I’ve written here on Lovefraud about compassion, and just being with other people’s feelings as a companion. I’m still learning how to do this. As you can probably tell, I still have a tendency to meddle. Each night I got to bed, asking myself if I’ve been arrogant or disrespectful, and praying I won’t be tomorrow.
I’m getting to know people here better than I did before, and feel like I’ve found new friends. I’m finding some wonderful role models here for compassion. I’ve felt humbled by awareness of what other people have gone through. And delighted by the humor and awed by the courage. This week has been an amazing experience for me.
I don’t know anywhere else where I could write what I write and be understood. I have to work tomorrow and next week is going to be crazy for me. So I’m going to stay away for a bit, because it’s just too tempting. But thank you for a really wonderful week of talk.
Kathleen Hawk – Thank you for your post and word’s – and insight and wisdom ….!
Thank you for sharing from your considerable heart.
It is “hard to live in a world where inexplicable evil of that magnitude exists.” But is it better to know that that evil exists, and be truly aware and mindful as we choose our actions and our relationships?
May your week be filled with the sorts of challenges that encourage you to stretch and grow and feel truly fulfilled as you master them.
Oh, you posted such good stuff while I was writing, and I can’t go without saying one thing.
I do believe that our individual work is part of a great uprising. Not just against the sociopaths, because I think they’re symptomatic. But against belief systems that would have us submit to inhumanity and participate in inhumanity against each other.
I believe the world is changing. And I know this will sound crazy, but I also believe that we’re lucky, or chosen, or something like that. Because we had these close encounters, survived them, and will come out of it stronger and smarter.
Something happened to my mind after this. And I sometimes wonder if I’m a different kind of crazy. I’ve stopped questioning myself about the big things. I’ve linked in to something in myself that just knows. Knows what’s right. Knows what’s logical. Knows what works going forward.
And I see that emerging certainty over this blog. As usual, I don’t know if I’m just projecting. But I see a lot of people taking a deep breath, and starting to believe in themselves in new ways. Not that we didn’t believe in ourselves before. But this is something else. A recognition that there is a lot going on around us that is wrong, broken, based on the wrong ideas. And that we have strong opinions about what is wrong and what would be better.
It doesn’t matter whether or not these wrong ideas came from sociopaths, or whether they profit sociopaths. The truth is there are lot less of them than there are of us. And if we wake up and recognize that we have power, if we don’t give it away, we can make the world express our values, not theirs. I mean, we’re the grown-ups.
Now I’m going to go cook dinner for me and the pups.
Namaste. The changer in me salutes the changer in you.
Kathy
You guys are just so awesome. I have felt all through this entire night mare that it was somehow as much a spiritual attack as anything else. Our Spirits are so important to us, regardless of what your “belief system” is, we all have within us a Spiritual aspect.
My entire life my whole Spiritual views had not made sense to me, but now they are. I am no longer looking for someone else to tell me how to think/feel/be but looking within myself for what feels RIGHT!
I have a strong conscience, and I realize conscience is mostly “trained” into a child about what is right and what is wrong, but at the same time, I think the feelings we have inside of compassion, caring, altruistic feelings, etc. are some how instinctive. When we quit listening to our “inner voices” our instincts, our gut, and let someone else dictate to us what is “okay” or “right” or “bad” it just doesn’t “computer” and we are torn, twisted. No matter how much we try to stay in denial that this person who SAYS they “love” us, treats us poorly, somewhere deep inside there is something that knows better, that knows it is wrong…and we hurt, we are in pain, because we can’t reconcile the “pain vs. the love”–but we come out of the fog (those of us that do) and recognize how blinded we have been. We had eyes and did not see, ears and did not hear. (as Jesus said of the Pharisees)
The powerful feelings engendered by learning to set boundaries, by validating my own worth, and standing up and embracing myself is absolutely awesome for me.
It has been a wonderful pleasure for me to “get to know” you all, to hear your wonderful advice, your wonderful insights, and the support from every one of you has been indescribable. xoxoxox to you all! Love Oxy
I am so grateful for your posts. God Bless!
Rune,
Oh my gosh! I live in Idaho and I haven’t heard anything about those sickos and the precious babes!
Gonna do a search on the interwebby tomorrow to scope out the particulars.
But, really, folks…I’m not all that surpised. I moved up here almost 2 years ago and I’ve met many very pretty, sweet, earthy, good natured and fun women but the guys?…not so much.
And I promise that I’m not generalizing, stereotyping at all!
The few dudes I’ve dated and just the ones strutting around the city are so undesirable, so unbearably annoying, so uncouth, so obviously masogynistic, so….well, you get my point.
I think it’s something in the water that only affects the Y chromosome. Yeah, that’s it. For sure.
Sigh…I realize now I took those stellar Texas fellas I’ve known for granted.
Say! I think….I….have….a plan.
What if I just teleport all those great men in Texas up here, and send all these rotten fink dudes in Idaho to the Prison Planet Epsillon 456 located in the Star Struck Galaxy!?
Ok, I’ve gotta invent me that teleport machine! Check ya later!
*skips off nerdily to the nerd domicile basement*
Testosterone poisoning, exacerbated by Seasonal Affect Disorder, can affect anyone. But coldheartedness to that extent is a different disorder. Follow the Mt. Express link, and notice that it’s probably Blaine County that’s pushing the issue. But that’s OK. High testosterone can co-exist with decency — I still believe.
Good Morning Everybody- such great posts! Then again, they are all great!
The spiritual discussions, and the enlightenment, on a personal and community level, gives me such hope……and I love the feeling of having my spirituality fed again.
My ex S was the most “spiritual” man I had met in that he had read so many of the books that I had, knew the bible very well, went to meditation classes, course in miracle classes, etc, etc. Though if I’m honest with myself, I always sensed that there was something “off” in his spirituality right from the beginning. He was not kind or compassionate with others. He seemed to pursue enlightenment so that he could feel better himself – not for any other reason.
Well, I guess his spirituality matters a lot less than mine. The sad thing, and one of my biggest losses, was losing my spiritual self in all of this. I felt very confused as to why God would let this relationship into my life when I had spent a lot of the last 4-5 years actively working on my spiritual side, my connection with God – I even started seeing a spiritual counselor weekly for a couple of years. And, unlike, my ex, my spirituality always had a large love-for-others component (of course! I’m one of us!) I actively participated in the community helping others – particularly troubled teens and there families. And I was making a difference – I was truly helping people! I didn’t understand why God didn’t help me protect myself better from this monster. He came in like a wrecking ball….and I allowed it, and so did God.
Now it is beginning to make more sense to me. This is still just an idea, and not something I am quite far enough in my recovery to fully embrace, but I am beginning to suspect that all of this WAS in my higher good. This will force me to finally love, respect, and protect myself in the way that God wants me to.
Back in the early nineties, a gay friend of mine said that he had observed many of his friends with AIDS become much more spiritual rather than less spiritual after contracting the disease. He called it “spirituality at gunpoint.” Like it’s not a choice any more…..you have the gun at your chest, and suddenly that act of violence allows you to access your spiritual self. Which is a gift.
Now unlike individuals with AIDS (in the nineties), most of us get to live through this. We can go on to have long and happy lives.
That is beautiful.
Okay – so this is where I am today. Tomorrow I may be whining about what an asshole he is (and he is) and how much I want to hurt him…and how angry I am at the world. but today I feel a little more positive.
Thank you everybody!
Hey Janesmith!
I live in Idaho too…. It sure does seem to be “slim pickin’s’as far as finding men…. at least that’s been my experience out here on the Mormon Plains of Eastern Idaho…Those sickos (in the news) live in the Burley/Twin Falls area which is south of Boise and of Mountain Home toward the Nevada border … I’m planning a move next summer to the Seattle area…Boise is OK, but the Mormon Plains of eastern Idaho suck…
God Bless…