What is the single most powerful signifier of sociopathy?
How about, lack of empathy?
I don’t think so.
As an isolated factor, I don’t think lack of empathy best nails the sociopath.
Many millions of people, after all, lack empathy and aren’t sociopaths. Also, exactly what constitutes empathy is a subject of some disagreement. Some LoveFraud members, in fact, question whether sociopaths even lack empathy (some asserting, to the contrary, that the sociopaths they’ve known have used their capacity for empathy to exploit them).
But the biggest problem with lack of empathy is its weakeness in explaining the single, truly best signifier of sociopathy—the characterological exploitiveness of the sociopath.
It is a high level of exploitiveness that most singularly exposes the sociopath.
Now exploitiveness is also associated with the narcissistic personality. For this reason extremely destructive (“malignant”) narcissists can be hard to distinguish from sociopaths. Still, a high level of exploitiveness is rarely the single best signifier of narcissistic personality disorder, whereas it is, I suggest, the best single indicator of sociopathy.
Why does lack of empathy fail to explain the sociopath’s exploitiveness? It fails because most people who lack empathy are not exploitive. Just consider the autistic spectrum disorders: Lack of empathy is commonly associated with these disorders, but exploitive behavior is not.
Now it is true that empathic individuals will generally be nonexploitive. Why? Because their empathy will prove a deterrent against exploitative impulses or ideas. Empathy, in other words, surely is a powerful deterrent against exploitation.
But in someone nonexploitative (someone, say, with Asperger’s Syndrome), empathy will not be needed for its deterrent effect. However, in someone inclined to exploitation, lack of empathy will be a missing deterrent in a situation where deterrence is urgent.
Effectively, the sociopath’s exploitive nature is undeterred by empathy, which is missing, thus liberating him to exploit. And it is the sociopath’s tendency, or compulsion, to exploit, I propose, that best characterizes his sociopathy.
I’d be remiss not to clarify my working definition of empathy. Empathy, as I use it, is an experience, or appreciation, of another’s experience that, depending on the situation, elicits a thoughtful, respectful, perhaps nurturing, but never exploitive, response.
While some sociopaths may possess an evolved capacity to read others’ vulnerabilities, this doesn’t make them empathic.
It is the particular response to someone’s vulnerability that indicates the presence of empathy, or exploitation. It is the particular response, or pattern of responses, to someone’s vulnerability that separates the empathic individual from the predator.
In this respect, I regard the sociopath as seriously, and given his exploitive personality, dangerously deficient in empathy.
What about his remorselessness? Certainly the sociopath’s remorselessness is quite notable and diagnostically significant. However, I would argue that the sociopath’s remorselessness is a byproduct not of his lack of empathy, but of his exploitive personality.
Many people who lack empathy are remorseful, for instance when informed that an action they took, or something they said, left someone else feeling damaged. They may struggle to relate emotionally (or even intellectually) to the effect their behavior had on the wounded party (their deficient empathy); but they are upset to learn that their action caused damage.
In other words, they feel remorseful even though their empathy is deficient.
However, exploitation and remorselessness go hand in hand. The essence of exploitation is the intentional violation of another’s vulnerability. The exploiter knows, on some level, that his behavior is exploitive.
By definition, the exploiter is grossly indifferent to the damaging effect of his behavior on his victim. All that matters is his perceived gain, his demanded, greedy satisfaction. There is indifference to the loss and damage to others resulting from his self-centered, aggressive behaviors.
This sounds a lot like callousness; and we recognize callousness as another of the sociopath’s telling qualities. But I would suggest, again, that the sociopath’s callousness derives not from his defective empathy, but rather from his characterological exploitiveness. Most people with deficits in empathy are not callous. On the other hand, the exploitive mentality will engender a callous perspective.
I discussed in a prior post the audacity of the sociopath. I suggested a correspondence between audacity and sociopathy. But here, too, we want to get the causality correct: audacity doesn’t make for sociopathy; but the exploitive mentality will make for staggering audacity.
(My use of “he” in this post is for convenience’s sake, not to suggest that men have a patent on sociopathy. This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
HH QUOTE: “Spirituality at gunpoint”
Wow, YES!!! And what a wonderful way to put it so it the concept is so easily grasped!!!! I love it!!!
The anger that Jesus had was directed at the Pharisees of His time, who were OUTWARDLY very “holy” and made tremendous efforts to APPEAR spiritual while in fact, they were greedy, hateful, spiteful, arrogant–psychopaths!! Psychopaths who were willing to have an innocent man “convicted” on the word of liars, so he could be crucified in order to (they thought) shut him up and keep him from exposing them.
The anger of the scribes and Pharisees and their plots to have Jesus killed are so “typical psychopathic” revenge for “injury” to their purported “piety” to me, and aptly illustrates the arrogance and malice the Ps are capable of.
While I too have wondered “why me, God?” or “what are You trying to accomplish with this pain?” I have searched for answers to the questions rather than killing the messenger.
There were things about me that needed changing for my own good, changes that without them being made, I could not have emotionally, spiritually or physically survived.
Sometimes when we refuse to learn the lesson “the easy way” the important lessons must come at great cost. In the end though, those lessons that are hard won by pain and experience never leave us.
My own arrogance stood in my way of learning the lessons in prior schools, and so I repeated the classes until I got the lesson. I am sure there are other lessons that I need to learn, but my heart is open to these lessons.
I strive to not be one of those that, as Jesus said, “Having eyes do not see, and having ears do not hear.” (What an eloquent analogy that is!)
The whole concept of ANY religious or spiritual meaning is summed up in “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” How simple is that? That one sentence, acted upon, would solve ALL the problems in the entire world. There would be no LoveFraud because there would be no love fraud.
Like many communities, we have divided the world into “us” and “them” with the “Thems” being evil and the “Us-es” being good. (relatively so any way) But unlike countries or races designating the “thems” being all evil and so it is okay to do anything to them because they deserve it, we do not justify seeking revenge, but justice. Self defense, not attacking first.
With the angers we experience, the injuries and the pain, which lead to (naturally) wrathful feelings, WE must rise above these baser instincts and grow in goodness, light, spirituality and happiness and contentment, rather than moulder in the satanic blackness of the soulless existence of life without love.
Today is a GOOD DAY…and I will strive to make tomorrow one as well…one day at a time.
“The most spiritual man I ever met.” That was a quote from a woman who stepped into a “relationship” with the S/P after I fled in terror. The quote was relayed by his children to their mother, and then to me. The daughters thought the new “GF” was an idiot. They saw through their father’s “spiritual” sham.
I think I know better now, though, what he was up to. He did “enjoy” a weekly meditation practice, and he loved to pull out his “peace pipe and sacred tobacco with the white buffalo fur and eagle feathers.”
I do believe that he knew how to gather energy and use it. We tend to think of this as “spiritual,” but I now believe that energy is just energy. We can “set our intention” for evil, or likewise, “pray to God for good.” I think the power of that intention, especially fueled by someone with big “chi,” is equally powerful, whether that person is working for the higher good, or intending chaos and harm.
These so-called “spiritual” manipulators may gain access to that energy through their callous disregard for decency and their use of various practices that help them hold focus and build energy (sales training, “human potential,” working out and other exercise, and other activities). Perhaps we are meant to find access to these energy reservoirs “at gunpoint”!
I second these intentions and desires to create the NOW and the future that we want to live in — to make a world that is safe for those of us with our core traits of compassion, responsibility, and belief in a higher good.
I feel like I dropped into a chirch I can appreciate by logging on this morning. Do we have a potluck after the services?
Oxy said: “Sometimes when we refuse to learn the lesson “the easy way” the important lessons must come at great cost. In the end though, those lessons that are hard won by pain and experience never leave us.
My own arrogance stood in my way of learning the lessons in prior schools, and so I repeated the classes until I got the lesson. I am sure there are other lessons that I need to learn, but my heart is open to these lessons.”
Yes, yes, yes!!!! I engaged with a lot of “Cluster B” men over the years, and “overlooked” and “forgave” their narcisstic and borderline features because they were brilliant, accomplished, handsome, seemed to love me, blah, blah, blah. Thankfully I was always healthy, just enough, to leave these relationships….but then I would find another guy with a slightly different presentation of Cluster B, and I’d engage with him.
God must have realized that i just wasn’t getting it…..and spent 20 years going in and out of these relationships….do he served me up A DOOZY. A full-blown psychopath with every symptom of this personality disorder, and just about all Cluster B disorders. And he came in such pretty, shiny, packaging. All glitter, sparkle, smoke, lights, and mirrors.
And I loved him THE MOST of all the guys with whom I have had relationships.
I believe I get it now. I needed to be “at gunpoint” to get it. I wish that hadn’t been the case – but apparently that is what I needed.
And, for the first time in my life, I haven’t jumped into a new relationship. Ten months of this, and allowing myself to feel the pain (no sex, drugs, rock-n-roll to distract from the pain) and am actually going to get off the damned carousel and actually learn this time.
And, thank goodness, I found a community. This has made all the difference in the world.
I just wanted to make a quick post about the PleasedSociopath who posted. Although yeah he is likely a N because most socios and psychopaths are by definition usually very high in N traits,too, I also think he fits the sociopath mold quite well.
As far as his true motives, who knows….as far as how much of a conscience he actually has or does not have….who knows…..
But IMO here is something that stood out to me that struck me as something he may have been trying to accomplish and this is why I do believe he is a sociopath instead of plain ol attention seeking narcissist. He is extremely DEVIOUS and manipulative, independent of simple attention. First, he used the pity ploy as to why he is a socio (bad childhood, broken heart from being cheated on…..used to feel something, now doesn’t (so perhaps “you” can help me and maybe just maybe I might feel again???)……he knows we have been hurt by socios so he is alleging he is here to learn about himself, and while he is doing that he maybe can also HELP us learn about sociopaths…..establishing he is here to do no harm but to LEARN and HELP.
BUT he also inserts in this discussion about how we are HELPING sociopaths screw us over by even being ON a victims board such as lovefraud because we are giving them information on how to further victimize us (creating doubt and possible set up for future “logical” reasoning to get any potential victim who does write him to stop interacting at lovefraud)
He then furnishes his email address so anyone can write to ask him questions (if you write, then he also has YOUR email address). But along with that generous offer to answer questions via EMAIL rather than on board, he again sets him up as having no motive other than helping, yet he also tries to instill FEAR and DOUBT between members on the board by pointing out perhaps we already ARE writing him via email thinking he is another victim. (now if he has read the board for anytime he knows members occasionally contact Donna and exchange email addresses so this is his way of attempting to get members to suddenly question if they are writing who they think they are, OR could they just possibly be writing….HIM).
Then look at the email address itself:
BUDS.KILLER@yahoo.com
Advertisers use subliminal messages and so has he. He alleges to be a sociopath up front, he offers himself up for examination on board and via email saying he is harmless and doesn’t have the power to harm thru the internet blah blah………yet he slyly manages to point out perhaps you already are writing him without knowing it (thinking he is another victim) and THEN he furnishes an email address with the word KILLER in it. I don’t see any of this as harmless attention seeking of a narcissist, put as more a sociopathic thing with the dark undercurrents and manipulations.
What better fun for a socio than to try to stir up some problems on a victims board and create just a tad of doubt in the members causing them to maybe not trust each other so much. Plus he has certainly attempted to point out HEY you aren’t even safe on a victims board cause anybody (even socios pretending to be victims could be on there with you) and you could even be emailing ME)
BTW, this may be stretching it a bit, and maybe I am fulla crap but I also note that although the email could be Buds (as in beer) Killer (downing the beer), …….that BUDS also stands for NEW GROWTH such as on plants. I think if this person is able to create if only just a tad of doubt on the board, and snag one person to write him and he gains some measure of influence over them………….well, what has he done to a victim on this board. He has KILLED their NEW GROWTH.
Well, I guess that turned out to be more than just a quick post. lol
Jen, your long post was a GOOD POST and showed that you were thoughtful about what you were saying. Even if you are “just being paranoid” and seeing evil where none was intended (I don’t think that is the case, but let’s say you were) isn’t it better to be “safe than sorry?” CAUTIOUS analysis of people in our lives is reasonable and rational.
We obviously were NOT CAUTIOUS enough with the Ps that were in our lives…and while I dont’ want to go to the EXTREME of being to where I can’t trust anyone—this poster has given out RED FLAGS by what he says, his contradictions, his pity ploys, etc. and I think you are totally RIGHT ON in your assessment of this man.
We obviously every one of us can SEE (I think) that he has NO GOOD MOTIVE for us. (that would be impossible) and also we can’t be sure what his motive is, as they “get off” on things that we would never appreciate as a “reward” or “motive” but they do. Just as we cannot truly understand why they enjoy the things they do, they can’t see why we enjoy the things we seek. (like love).
Jesus said that we should “cast not your pearls before swine, least they trample them into the mire and turn and rend (tear) you.” Trying to “teach” or “help” a P is casting pearls before swine in my estimation. They are NOT ABLE to appreciate wisdom, love, knowledge of those things, any more than we can appreciate their baser motives…and all we will do is piss them off by trying to “convert” them to our way of thinking and feeling.
The old deal of “don’t try to teach a pig to sing, you will only frustrate yourself and piss off the pig.”
Having grown up with swine (pigs) on the farm, I have a very good realization of just how dangerous they can be, and are darned near impervious to being beaten off of you. They have killed and eaten more than one human being. I realized this danger graphically once when I had a few hogs I intended to butcher and had a bunch of bones back from the butcher. Pelvic bones and leg bones from full grown cattle. There was too much for the dogs, so I threw some of the huge bones into the hog pen, thinking they would chew the meat off the bones, and lo and behold, the next morning there was NO sign of any bones in the pen, they were GONE. Eaten completely. Each hog ate about 50 pounds of these huge bones completely in one night.
Psychopaths are the human equivalent of swine in more than one way. They devour us completely…body and soul. And they do not have the capacity to appreciate love and caring. They are greed personified. This person I think was a prime example of a human swine, stalking victims.
Jen2008: He doesn’t have the guts to give his real e-mail, he gives us a secondary yahoo account so he can hide behind what he writes.
I figure the guy is already in prison and is bored cause he’s doing 10-20 years for something stupid.
Besides, he said that other anti-social personalities brag about reading what we write … and post our blogs on their site because they are proud of being FOOLS. Typical. I used to give these people the benefit of the doubt that they were just immature and would outgrow the childish behaviors. I know realize that they haven’t a clue or the backbone in how to be a real man or woman. Sad, sad, sad.
I thought they gave Bibles to prisoners for free, no charge. Maybe he should take a few months out of his life and read it.
Peace.
Jen2008: I don’t think “they” can stop anyone from healing on here. We give and take advise for what works for us, as individuals.
They on the other hand don’t even know they need to heal, never mind finding the courage to do so.
Peace.
Indi: I knew they knew … my bosses and my co-workers and the cronies all knew how to play the game and act like “normal, decent folks” … then, their big egos went out of control to be assholes to everyone. It’s like they have this big chip on their shoulders and everyone in life has to pay. For what? That they were born.
Oh, and the big thing with all of them, they demand respect. Respect? Yeah, respect for being a fool in life!
Same with my EX. He acted like the most decent, considerate, kind guy … and he’s nothing but a PUNK!
Wini, Prisoners do NOT have access to the internet, or to cell phones unless they break the rules in prison. Most state prisons don’t even allow phone calls except in the event of family emergencies (like my son was allowed to call home collect for 5 minutes when my husband died, but with the chaplain on the phone as well.) Federal prisons allow some phone use from pay phones which must be made collect (and are therefore VERY EXPENSIVE). Again, any access to computers is without internet access.
There are prisoner pen pal sites on the net but they are put up by friends on the outside who help them, so there is no real direct access, except by mail, or from the federal prisons via collect calls. Many of these are scams for money from victims. Some of the inmates make up to $50,000 a year “corresponding” with people on the outside. I have read that Charlie Manson has enough fan letters and people wanting his autograph that he has a staff of inmate secretaries and they send (for a price) an “autograph” which is NOT HIS. LOL
Jef Dahmer was corresponding with about 14 women at the time of his death, and each of them thought that they were his “true love.” (How desperate are people who will write to a convicted serial killer and cannibal and fall in “love” with him through the mail!) This information was from a book written by a minister whom he conned as well with his “repentance” and “conversion.” The minister was shocked and confused when these letters were discovered after Jeff’s death, and he didn’t understand how or why Jeff would do such a thing as carry on such a mass of correspondence which was obviously love fraud. The minister just didn’t “get it” about psychopaths, he didn’t realize that the “con” was his entertainment, conning the minister into thinking he was sincere and conning the women into thinking he was sincere. WE wouldn’t find fun in doing such things, but THEY do.
BEcause we and others have difficulty in finding an “acceptable” motive in what they do, it is difficult for us to believe anyone would “fake” what they fake. Yet each of us here on LF can “testify” that they do fake all kinds of things, including love and conscience–but never for long, when we start to see the truth, they just suck us back in.. It is like “catch and release” fishing, but they never let us completely off the hook. LOL