What is the single most powerful signifier of sociopathy?
How about, lack of empathy?
I don’t think so.
As an isolated factor, I don’t think lack of empathy best nails the sociopath.
Many millions of people, after all, lack empathy and aren’t sociopaths. Also, exactly what constitutes empathy is a subject of some disagreement. Some LoveFraud members, in fact, question whether sociopaths even lack empathy (some asserting, to the contrary, that the sociopaths they’ve known have used their capacity for empathy to exploit them).
But the biggest problem with lack of empathy is its weakeness in explaining the single, truly best signifier of sociopathy—the characterological exploitiveness of the sociopath.
It is a high level of exploitiveness that most singularly exposes the sociopath.
Now exploitiveness is also associated with the narcissistic personality. For this reason extremely destructive (“malignant”) narcissists can be hard to distinguish from sociopaths. Still, a high level of exploitiveness is rarely the single best signifier of narcissistic personality disorder, whereas it is, I suggest, the best single indicator of sociopathy.
Why does lack of empathy fail to explain the sociopath’s exploitiveness? It fails because most people who lack empathy are not exploitive. Just consider the autistic spectrum disorders: Lack of empathy is commonly associated with these disorders, but exploitive behavior is not.
Now it is true that empathic individuals will generally be nonexploitive. Why? Because their empathy will prove a deterrent against exploitative impulses or ideas. Empathy, in other words, surely is a powerful deterrent against exploitation.
But in someone nonexploitative (someone, say, with Asperger’s Syndrome), empathy will not be needed for its deterrent effect. However, in someone inclined to exploitation, lack of empathy will be a missing deterrent in a situation where deterrence is urgent.
Effectively, the sociopath’s exploitive nature is undeterred by empathy, which is missing, thus liberating him to exploit. And it is the sociopath’s tendency, or compulsion, to exploit, I propose, that best characterizes his sociopathy.
I’d be remiss not to clarify my working definition of empathy. Empathy, as I use it, is an experience, or appreciation, of another’s experience that, depending on the situation, elicits a thoughtful, respectful, perhaps nurturing, but never exploitive, response.
While some sociopaths may possess an evolved capacity to read others’ vulnerabilities, this doesn’t make them empathic.
It is the particular response to someone’s vulnerability that indicates the presence of empathy, or exploitation. It is the particular response, or pattern of responses, to someone’s vulnerability that separates the empathic individual from the predator.
In this respect, I regard the sociopath as seriously, and given his exploitive personality, dangerously deficient in empathy.
What about his remorselessness? Certainly the sociopath’s remorselessness is quite notable and diagnostically significant. However, I would argue that the sociopath’s remorselessness is a byproduct not of his lack of empathy, but of his exploitive personality.
Many people who lack empathy are remorseful, for instance when informed that an action they took, or something they said, left someone else feeling damaged. They may struggle to relate emotionally (or even intellectually) to the effect their behavior had on the wounded party (their deficient empathy); but they are upset to learn that their action caused damage.
In other words, they feel remorseful even though their empathy is deficient.
However, exploitation and remorselessness go hand in hand. The essence of exploitation is the intentional violation of another’s vulnerability. The exploiter knows, on some level, that his behavior is exploitive.
By definition, the exploiter is grossly indifferent to the damaging effect of his behavior on his victim. All that matters is his perceived gain, his demanded, greedy satisfaction. There is indifference to the loss and damage to others resulting from his self-centered, aggressive behaviors.
This sounds a lot like callousness; and we recognize callousness as another of the sociopath’s telling qualities. But I would suggest, again, that the sociopath’s callousness derives not from his defective empathy, but rather from his characterological exploitiveness. Most people with deficits in empathy are not callous. On the other hand, the exploitive mentality will engender a callous perspective.
I discussed in a prior post the audacity of the sociopath. I suggested a correspondence between audacity and sociopathy. But here, too, we want to get the causality correct: audacity doesn’t make for sociopathy; but the exploitive mentality will make for staggering audacity.
(My use of “he” in this post is for convenience’s sake, not to suggest that men have a patent on sociopathy. This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Thanks, guys! Today is a NEW DAY! I got a good night’s sleep last night (I did take an Rx sleep aid which I usually don’t) but got 8 1/2 good hours of solid sleep. My little inner baby “Oxy” feels better today and I am nurturing her. Thanks so much for all the kudos and hugs and most of all PRAYERS.
Kerisee, I do agree with Kathy and the others, you are big time involved in the TRIANGLE, and I have been involved in it as well with the personality disordered people. There is NO WAY to stop it unless you QUIT PLAYING ENTIRELY, which means NO REACTION. Yesterday, when I was suddenly confronted with my mother, I too TOOK A CHAIR ON THE TRIANGLE….just instinctively, I guess since that was the way I had always functioned…but now I am back to my “new normal” and realize I cannot PLAY THAT GAME.
Sure, I WANT TO still, I went through all the emotions of being in that triangle yesterday and they were PAINFUL. I wanted to strike out at her, I wanted to shout at her, I wanted….I wanted….but I didn’t ACT. As long as I was either persecutor, rescuer, or victim….I was PLAYING.
I realize that you want to RESCUE the children from her, and I can’t say as I blame you, but the only way you can HELP THEM (NOT rescue) is to quit playing her game. Quit triangling into her parents etc. and I think your husband is also in the triangle.
Your post of what she said, etc shows that you are focusing on the MINUTE DETAILS, and you need to start seeing the BIGGER PICTURE. It is only when we quit focusing on DETAILS and start focusing on the BIGGER PICTURE that we can see that the details don’t really matter, the he said/she said, or he did/she did are immaterial completely. SHE WILL NEVER QUIT TRYING TO BRING YOU BACK INTO THE TRIANGLE. SHE WILL NEVER QUIT USING THE KIDS TO KEEP YOU HOOKED INTO THE TRIANGLE.
You may even NOT be able to help them. I realize that is a big disappointment, but you can only do what is POSSIBLE, not the impossible, and some situations ARE IMPOSSIBLE for a good or “positive” outcome. That is very painful if you love someone and they are being abused by someone else and you cannot stop it. That is a difficult thing to accept. BUT YOU MUST ACCEPT IT in order to (1) have some peace yourself (2) stop the drama in YOUR LIFE and (3) possibly keep your marriage together.
As for the “disfellowshipping” by the church, I think I understand a bit about that from a religious point of view. Very few churches actually do this in a “healthy” way—some may avoid it entirely, thinking that if they disfellowship someone they are pushing them away from God, and some do it with a vengence, and some in a tirangling way themselves and as soon as the “sinner” says a very sincere “I’m sorry” they immediately restore them to fellowship and trust…..WRONG.
Read the story of Joseph, and how he had forgiven his brothers, yet he did NOT TRUST THEM until he had tested them to see what kind of men they had become in the years since he had last seen them. He did not upon recognizing them in Egypt when they came to buy corn immediately say “Hey, guys! It’s me, your brother.” He tested them first.
My mother will never be “disfellowshipped” by her church because they will NEVER BELIEVE she is anything but a saint, they don’t know that she is an unrepentent LIAR. THEY WOULD NEVER DISFELLOWSHIP HER, or believe a thing my son and others would testify to. I had hoped that I might get her to stop sending money to my psychopathic son, but I realized after yesterday it is A WASTE OF TIME to go to the church, or to even threaten her with it….I am disappointed that I can’t even use that to stop her, but it does make clear to me that it is a waste of time to even try.
The point (as stated in the Bible) in “disfellowshipping” (actually it is a description of No Contact) is to bring them back around to a good way of living, but, BUT if they are so set in their bad behavior or have no remorse (il.e. they are personality disordered) even the GROUP should not associate with them, and therefore those PDs cannot harm the group itself. It makes sense to me. I don’t think it is a bad thing at all. WE know we have to stop associating with a P, and in groups Ps do nothing but cause problems….any healthy group should disassociate from a disruptive person. Just as WE must disassociate from a personality disordered person (NC) this is a group NC for a specific purpose–to preserve the group, and if the person is not PD, they may see the “error of their ways” and return to the group in a non-disruptive way.
I do think though, that you and your husband must disassociate with the X to the extent possible. YOUR husband is not obligated to pick the kids up on “her” weeks, that’s what she is supposed to do. On her weeks SHE is responsible for the kids. On your weeks your husband is responsible for the kids. That is SETTING A BOUNDARY. A reasonable boundary.
Her weeks, her responsibility.
His weeks, his responsibility.
No big deal to comprehend that.
I think you should move to another congregation.
I think your husband should STOP talking about the X to her parents (that is triangling) I don’t think he should necessarily NC them, but simply state that he will no longer discuss his X’s behavior with her parents. PERIOD. NONE. ZIP ZERO discussion.
I would also suggest that you seek marriage counseling for you and your husband and/or family counseling for all of you, including the kids. I don’t doubt that you have a rough row to hoe, but looking at the BIG PICTURE rather than the details I think will help you make the best of a bad situation. (((((hugs)))) and prayers!
Oxy,
So relieved to read you here and to see you’re recovering. You’ve had more than your fair share of tragedies in your life and I bet you just want some breathing room and peace from all the painful experiences. I know I would.
You rock, doll!!
Kathleen,
Kinda late responding to your post regarding William Gibson, but I thought it was cute and witty.
I thoroughly enjoy his writing style/content also. I still have my copy of “Neuromancer” which I read years ago. It’s falling apart, pages are yellow but I can’t seem to either throw it in the garbage, or trade it in at the resale book shop.
I’ve never thrown a book in the trash bin, but I’ve thrown a few against the wall, saying…”What was I thinking picking this piece of crap off the shelf?!”
From what I gather, Gibson is the author who created the new genre, cyberpunk. He also coined the phrase…cyberspace. Pretty cool, huh? But you probably already new this tidbit info since you’re a fan of his.
I think he’s an alien, sent to Earth to share his futuristic technologies and brilliant lingo. But I could be wrong. It’s happened on occasion. 😉
Ok, I’ve strolled off the worn beaten path of LF subject matter and stumbled into a doorway of a parallel universe where aproned Panda Bear baristas sell marmalade lattes and cotton candy cookies.
**listening to The Beatles’…Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds. No, I’m not partaking of any mind altering chemicals. Only coffee. Hot, good coffee**
Dear Janie,
Thanks for your sweet affirmation!! It means more than you can possibly know.
After I logged off last night I was reading in the Psalms of David, Chapter 27:10 KJV, and David said “when my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take me up.”
I meditated on that verse and that chapter, in which David is thanking God for keeping him safe from danger, and in time of trouble for “hiding me in your pavilions.”
As I thought about it all, I realized that the “plan” I had for hopefully getting my mother to stop sending the money to my son (by having some friends who are members of her church confront her about her lies.) I realized that she would LIE TO THEM, and that it would not work. I just have to accept it, give up any hope of stopping her from sending money to my P son and when she passes away and he gets his “inheritance” from her (which could be in the range of several hundred thousand dollars) that I will have to sell the farm and move some where else so he can’t find me. It isn’t something I want to do, moving is always a hassle, and when you have a farm full of stock and “stuff” it is an even bigger hassle, but the farm and airport and 3 houses should bring enough to buy us another place, and we can be safe.
The thought of moving away from here to another piece of dirt is no longer trauma to me, even though I am “attached” to this place (which has been in our family for generations, since 1833) I realize it is NOT SACRED. My sons feel the same and are in agreement, so when mom passes away we will sell out and move, if the Lord is willing that I should out live her and that comes to pass. If not, my sons can rent the place and houses and still move away and be safe (though they cannot sell the place if I were to die before my mom does)
We will as individuals and as a “family” do whatever is necessary.
So I am looking at the POSITIVE aspect of seeing that the encounter yesterday, though painful for a few hours, did give me a “message” that I NEEDED TO KNOW. There is NOTHING that I can do that will stop her from sending money to my enemy. Nothing I can do at all, so I must ACCEPT what is REALITY. “The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.” (quote from an article here, can’t remember which one).
In a way I feel more “free” today than I did before the encounter yesterday, because I REALIZE I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO ACCEPT THE TRUTH. There is NO wiggle room to try to change what is carved in the STONE OF HER HEART.
In fact, what pissed me off yesterday, her attempt to insinuate that I was being like a petulant child, being “ugly” (that’s her word and she loves it!) because I didn’t get chocolate instead of white milk. That my concerns, my fears, etc were so insignificant, so illogical, and that she would take the high road and “forgive” me, if only I would quit acting so “ugly.” In other words “Let’s just pretend that none of this ever happened” (at least until I get mad at you again for defying me in any way, and then I will hit you with it again!)
How can you “reason” with that? Of course you can’t! Silly me for hoping that somehow I could influence it and stop her sending money to him…
Psalms 28:6-7 KJV
Blessed be the Lord, because he hath heard the voice of my supplications. The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in him, and I am helped: therefore my heart greatly rejoiceth; and with my song will I praise him.
I’m not skipping and clicking my heels today, sort of “in neutral” but starting to get my head on straight and I think the feeling sort of “in neutral” is more or less the feeling you get after a big adreneline rush (boy I had one yesterday) sort of a bit wrung out. But I am calm and peaceful in spite of that. The weather has turned bitterly cold here and will be down in the teens tonight so my sons are working on getting ready for the big freeze tonight and we will delay the cow butchering until the weather is right (if it is too cold the meat freezes rather than chills which is what you need.) Since I am not completely energetic yet, it is a good thing to wait until my energy level goes back up anyway.
“Rationing” energy is something I am learning to do, and not to depete my reserves which are still somewhat “shallow” or “small” but ARE growing. The encounter yesterday in the past would have put me under the floor, sucking my thumb for days or weeks, but I have enough energy in reserve to come back much more quickly than previously.
Keeping a concept of “energy” (which is neither physical OR mental, but both) in mind has helped me to conserve my energy resources and has helped me in the recovery and healing because I am not totally depleted like I was at one point for a long time.
Thanks, Janie, and hugs back to ya!!!!
Kerisee04:
You’re doing a fine job of explaining what is going on. Also, you need to vent, and you’re in the right place to vent.
I can’t remember what the exact list of life’s biggest stressors ism but I seem to recall that (a) job loss, (b) moving, (c) divorce, (d) financial reverses and (e) death pretty much headed the list. At this moment between your husband’s losing his job, moving because of losing your house, financial reverses because of the bankruptcy and what is more-or-less the on-going divorce (divorce finished, custody issues unending) you’re pretty much getting hit full-force.
Except for the custody issues, I was pretty much in your shoes, a dozen years ago. I had come out and was going through a nasty divorce, had to move, and suffered severe financial reverses because I was being sued right-and-left because I had guaranteed loans for a conman brother. Not exactly a day at the beach.
In retrospect I am still amazed that I survived all that. I learned two things: (a) that I’m an incredibly strong person and (b) you can replace things, but not people.
As bleak as things look now, you still have your family. You will be able to rebuild. You have to believe that.
However, I still think you and your husband need to re-examine your relationship — not only with his ex-S, but with her family. You mentioned in your last post that your ex-inlaws are very involved in his childrens’ lives and that your husband respects his ex-inlaws and feels the need to inform them that their daughter is lying to them.
I agree that staying on good terms with the ex-inlaws for the sake of his children is extremely important. The kids can’t be made to feel that they are being forced to take sides.
And I can understand your husband’s respecting your inlaws. I still have tremendous affection and respect for my ex-S’s family.
When I was involved with S, I saw first hand how he was playing them all. And much as it pained me after my relationship with S ended, I had to step out of the picture. His family is his family. Punto.
I had to force myself to realize that I couldn’t protect S’s family from him. More to the point, I had to acknowledge that they have a pretty good idea of what S is all about, even if they don’t formerly call him a sociopath. Bottom line, it was not my place to get involved.
Similarly, it is not your husband’s place to play detective for his ex-inlaws. Any odds you want to give me, I’ll cover, that your husband’s ex-wife’s family knows what she is all about. But, it is obvious to me that they don’t want to cut her out of their lives or cut her off financially. I’m pretty sure that she’s used the threat of them never seeing her kids again.
Bottom line: Stay on good terms with your husband’s ex-inlaws for the kids’ sake. Stop throwing gasoline on the sociopathic fire for the kids sake. And for your sake. You don’t need the stress. The kids don’t need the stress. And your husband’s ex-inlaws don’t need the stress.
Also, be honest with yourself. Your husband’s ex-S IS DRIVING YOU CRAZY. Her behavior would drive any sane person crazy. You’re not doing yourself any favors by pretending otherwise.
We all ended up on this site because we realized we were being driven insane by the sociopaths in our lives. That’s why it’s called “crazy-making behavior”. The worst thing you can do to yourself, in the midst of everything going on in your life, is denying your feelings.
Let me add my voice to the chorus. Yes, there comes a time when you must accept your powerlessness over others. You are powerless to change the S/P and you might be powerless to help other victims who are either ignorant of what they are dealing with, or still in the fog.
My ex had an aged mother who lived alone in an isolated place in the country. She could no longer drive and had to rely on others for all her basic needs. I was very close to her; in fact, she was more like a mother to me than my own mother.
After my divorce, I discovered that not only was my ex taking all her money (expected), but he was also leaving her alone for long periods of time without food or medical attention (a jolt to me at the time). I began to do her shopping for her, and I’d call her or see her every day. I took her to the doctor. I made sure she took her medicine. Eventually, my ex ran into a rough patch and was forced to move in with his mother. Obviously I could no longer take care of her. She went back to near starvation.
I turned the case in to the state’s welfare agency. The situation was investigated and my ex-mother-in-law was left in the hands of her P son, who eventually killed her off, quite legally, through neglect.
The S/P did this through his own uncanny ability to lie. But he had help from the victim herself, who LIED to the authorities and SWORE that her son took great care of her. I was powerless to help her because she could not free herself of the delusion that her son was a GOOD SON, even as he starved her.
So, Kerisee, what we are saying is that SOMETIMES you must dust off your sandals and move on. To do otherwise is to endanger your own recovery and your own sanity.
Oxy,
I’ve just been catching upon the last few days away from lovefraud. I’m sorry about what has happened. You have been so supportive these last few months to me since I have been posting here. You deserve the same.
This experience I had with the S/P I can honestly say was my first with anyone so disordered. We all have some dysfunction in our families but NEVER have I seen it to that extent or experienced this kind of emotional pain. In your case, it seems you have gone through this and been on this tragic roller coaster your whole life.
I do, however, understand the disappointment associated with unreliable people. I realize this is an understatement as it relates to your mother or any parent for that matter. I am finding, (and maybe you have too) that as hurtful as it is to not be able to rely on the words and actions of the people who should love you the most….. that there is a certain independence in that reliance on yourself. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want to NOT ever trust or believe or not rely on people. I jsut don’t want to live my life second guessing and feeling anxious and questioning motives and as you now well…… that’s the easy part of life with a S/P.
Oxy, I’m sorry for what you have been through and especially recently. You seem so strong and I think I am too. Think of all the people who may have lived through all that you have. How many can truly survive, yet live to help others as it seems you do. And here you are back giving good advice to others……… Thanks Oxy. You go girl !!!
Dear KF,
Thank you so much for that affirmation! I am doing so much much better today! At least these sudden unexpected things doing throw me into a tail spin that lasts for days or weeks. I do think though that the SUDDENESS of it all is what makes it so hurtful.
I remember 6 or 8 months ago when my X P-BF showed up suddenly at a local auction I frequent on Saturday nights, which is so FAR out of his usual stomping range (350 miles to the south of me) that it just blew me out of the water by the unexpectedness of him showing up. I did realize though that my mom usually shops that store on a MONDAY, and I shoud have expected to run into her that day about that time, and I didn’t expect it. In the future, will avoid going to town on a monday. Or maybe will go to the next closest town where there would be NO chance of running into her accidently.
And if I ever do runn into her accidently again, I will just keep on walking–which is what I should have done this time and didn’t have the presence of mind to do. I just let her trigger my buttons. I will do better next time if it happens again.
You guys don’t know how much I appreciate the support. (((hugs))))
Tood: I agree with you about “real” people can’t see the pschopath behind the mask. I am very good at spotting them, yet could not/did not see it in my own fiance. What an act he put on … he deserves the academy award.
It’s amazing what GREED and selfishness (hand in hand) can do to these personalities. I’m sure many elderly parents were done in by the neglect of their masked off springs … as well as loving spouses.
I’m sure at least twice that I now realize … my ex slipped something in my drink. First time was within 6 months of dating him. I thought I came down with the flue. I was out cold from mid Saturday afternoon … until somewhat coherent on Thursday, then I was definitely up early evening on Friday. My EX called in to work all week, and I think I made the last call in on Friday. Last time I think he slipped something in my drink was the night before he left. We were in the hot tub and he brought me out a small glass of wine. I hate wine and he knows it. Anyway, he was always trying to get me used to wine and I just get headaches … but, I would take a sip of whatever wine he had … and I still didn’t like it. Anyway, we were in the hot tub the night before he left. What was strange is that he got out of the hot tub before me. It was usually the other way around. I’d get out and leave him to soak for another hour or so. Anyway, about 20 minutes after he left, I couldn’t even sit up. I tried and tried to get out of the hot tub and I was so dizzy. I finally flopped myself over the top and fell over the side. I’m laying on the floor to the deck and I can’t get up. I’m yelling for my EX to help me, but thought he couldn’t hear me. So, I stayed on the floor of the deck for I don’t know how long … then some how stumbled into the house. I had to hold the walls … everything was spinning. I usually don’t drink more than 2 drinks because I like to be in control. But, this nite … after a small orange juice sized glass … 1/2 full … I couldn’t even help myself. So, I finally get off the deck, bubbled in through the back door … bubbled into the downstairs bathroom … stayed in their for a while … on my hands and knees … I was so dizzy. Finally, I got up and bumbled upstairs into the upstairs bathroom. I’m screaming for my fiance to come help me. He comes into the bathroom and couldn’t believe me (so I thought he was concerned).
He finally helps me into the bedroom … where he layed me on the bed … and I couldn’t move. That’s the night he ransacked my house. Middle of the morning I wake up and he’s taking my appliances with him … I tell him to put them back, he tells me that he will bring them back in September.
Stupid me. I believed him. That was May 1 … I believed him until the middle of November, 2006 (same year). That’s how good a con he was.
I didn’t know the truth until I viewed all the paperwork he left behind. I never saw the truth of him under the mask … but, I did see the truth in paperwork versus his lies.
Peace.
keeping_faith:
“…the disappointment associated with unreliable people”. My parents were the masters of promising me anything in the moment to manipulat me into doing what they wanted, and then never following through.
To say that created massive trust issues in me is the understatement of the century. Actually, since we’re only 9 years into this century, make that the last 2 centuries.
I think that’s one of the reasons that makes the who experience with my S so painful. I finally decided to trust someone and ended up trusting a socipath. He nearly obliterated my ability to trust and I suspect it is going to take a long time to regain it.
OxDrover:
I have nothing to base this on, but my gut is telling me that part of what has you so upset is that your mother manipulated you in public.
My mother is a master presenting herself as the loving mother. I used to let it get to me. Then I finally realized I was never going to change her and decided that I was no longer going to let her get to me.
Now when I encounter her I call it “giving a performance.” Giving a performance (in public) is something we all do on some level everyday. When I have to deal with my mother, I give her the air-kiss, etc. And I talk for hours with her — about absolutely nothing. She is so self-absorbed she doesn’t even realize it.
There is a book out there which has to be 20 years old or so. It’s called “The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense”. It contains a whole arsenal of what I call non-answers to questions, and means of escalating the defense if necessary.