What is the single most powerful signifier of sociopathy?
How about, lack of empathy?
I don’t think so.
As an isolated factor, I don’t think lack of empathy best nails the sociopath.
Many millions of people, after all, lack empathy and aren’t sociopaths. Also, exactly what constitutes empathy is a subject of some disagreement. Some LoveFraud members, in fact, question whether sociopaths even lack empathy (some asserting, to the contrary, that the sociopaths they’ve known have used their capacity for empathy to exploit them).
But the biggest problem with lack of empathy is its weakeness in explaining the single, truly best signifier of sociopathy—the characterological exploitiveness of the sociopath.
It is a high level of exploitiveness that most singularly exposes the sociopath.
Now exploitiveness is also associated with the narcissistic personality. For this reason extremely destructive (“malignant”) narcissists can be hard to distinguish from sociopaths. Still, a high level of exploitiveness is rarely the single best signifier of narcissistic personality disorder, whereas it is, I suggest, the best single indicator of sociopathy.
Why does lack of empathy fail to explain the sociopath’s exploitiveness? It fails because most people who lack empathy are not exploitive. Just consider the autistic spectrum disorders: Lack of empathy is commonly associated with these disorders, but exploitive behavior is not.
Now it is true that empathic individuals will generally be nonexploitive. Why? Because their empathy will prove a deterrent against exploitative impulses or ideas. Empathy, in other words, surely is a powerful deterrent against exploitation.
But in someone nonexploitative (someone, say, with Asperger’s Syndrome), empathy will not be needed for its deterrent effect. However, in someone inclined to exploitation, lack of empathy will be a missing deterrent in a situation where deterrence is urgent.
Effectively, the sociopath’s exploitive nature is undeterred by empathy, which is missing, thus liberating him to exploit. And it is the sociopath’s tendency, or compulsion, to exploit, I propose, that best characterizes his sociopathy.
I’d be remiss not to clarify my working definition of empathy. Empathy, as I use it, is an experience, or appreciation, of another’s experience that, depending on the situation, elicits a thoughtful, respectful, perhaps nurturing, but never exploitive, response.
While some sociopaths may possess an evolved capacity to read others’ vulnerabilities, this doesn’t make them empathic.
It is the particular response to someone’s vulnerability that indicates the presence of empathy, or exploitation. It is the particular response, or pattern of responses, to someone’s vulnerability that separates the empathic individual from the predator.
In this respect, I regard the sociopath as seriously, and given his exploitive personality, dangerously deficient in empathy.
What about his remorselessness? Certainly the sociopath’s remorselessness is quite notable and diagnostically significant. However, I would argue that the sociopath’s remorselessness is a byproduct not of his lack of empathy, but of his exploitive personality.
Many people who lack empathy are remorseful, for instance when informed that an action they took, or something they said, left someone else feeling damaged. They may struggle to relate emotionally (or even intellectually) to the effect their behavior had on the wounded party (their deficient empathy); but they are upset to learn that their action caused damage.
In other words, they feel remorseful even though their empathy is deficient.
However, exploitation and remorselessness go hand in hand. The essence of exploitation is the intentional violation of another’s vulnerability. The exploiter knows, on some level, that his behavior is exploitive.
By definition, the exploiter is grossly indifferent to the damaging effect of his behavior on his victim. All that matters is his perceived gain, his demanded, greedy satisfaction. There is indifference to the loss and damage to others resulting from his self-centered, aggressive behaviors.
This sounds a lot like callousness; and we recognize callousness as another of the sociopath’s telling qualities. But I would suggest, again, that the sociopath’s callousness derives not from his defective empathy, but rather from his characterological exploitiveness. Most people with deficits in empathy are not callous. On the other hand, the exploitive mentality will engender a callous perspective.
I discussed in a prior post the audacity of the sociopath. I suggested a correspondence between audacity and sociopathy. But here, too, we want to get the causality correct: audacity doesn’t make for sociopathy; but the exploitive mentality will make for staggering audacity.
(My use of “he” in this post is for convenience’s sake, not to suggest that men have a patent on sociopathy. This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
“But in someone nonexploitative (someone, say, with Asperger’s Syndrome), empathy will not be needed for its deterrent effect. However, in someone inclined to exploitation, lack of empathy will be a missing deterrent in a situation where deterrence is urgent.”
The sociopath I was with self-diagnosed himself as having Asperger’s . That is laughable. He wishes he had Asperger’s; it was his way of deceiving again, hiding his true self.
OxDrover: The P who hurt me is a mega-millionaire so all I can console myself with is that he does feel empty inside and he does suffer envy and depression, and he will never know true love. But there will always be someone to kiss his ass, including his kids, who will be thinking of the will.
does anyone known if in can recover a comment i just wrote and accidentally deleted? been working on it for hours i am soooooo bummed. hard for me to get to the core of my issue’s and i finally feel like i did it and while making corrections, it deleted. agh!!!!!!!! i have a mac anyone know if i can recover it somehow???????
thanks 🙁
awakening:
That is the great wish in life on this website.
Dear Justabout healed,
I never answered your comment from January (sorry)–but yes, those that are rich or powerful (or relatively so) BUY the asskissing with money and favors. My egg donor tried to buy me with money (“gifts” I turned down) but my DIL took the gifts so gratiously, but she didn’t realize that these “gifts” came with STRINGS which included ASS KISSING, JUMPING WHEN CALLED FOR FAVORS, etc etc and she was NOT inclined to show “gratitude” for the “gifts,” which in fact, were DOWNPAYMENTS ON CONTROL. LOL
I, on the other hand, had learned a LONG TIME AGO that “gifts” like this were down payments on control and compliance. “After all I have done for you, after all I have given you, you don’t _________(fill in the blank) for me!” ROTFLMAO Yea, “gifts” NOT!!!!!
my ex was the master of taking my vulnerabilities and purposely orchestrating situations that would exploit theit got the more needy i became and less able to leave. i starting asking my family to help me get a restraining order in september 08. i tried and got swindled out of thousands from an attorney that i had to take to the bar to get her to stop billing me, for nothing.
i was broke and needed support but ””here is the core issue”’ my family offered treatment therapy all of the stuff to fix me but no support that protected me from the bad guy. to this day not a word to him or his family only interventions to fix me. i know i am sick but how would you feel if you were broke because you loved a man and trusted him and he stole, lied. cheated, threatened, sexually abused., emotionally abused, bullied, you etc. and you rich and powerful dad, mom and sister, simply suggest getting a good shrink?
actually the first really really bad reaction i had 8/8/08. he was seeing that other girl, lying, sleeping with me accepting my help then “silent treatment” over and over. then i was so broken, devastated, on the floor crying i could no longer take it. that was the first time he coaxed me into offing myself but making sure to drive me to the bank first to drain my savings of the little that was left. the next day, ( i checked into a hotel under a different name so my family didn’t know where i was) i didn’t do it, he was gone as was the cash, and my phone was off so my family was worried. their response…….” go get help or we can no longer talk to you”.
i feel like i could be gang raped and he would say “what are you doing you really need to pull yourself together. lets get you some therapy.”
here are a few of my ex’s techniques in using my trust and openness with him against me;
1) honesty—–“please just tell me if you want to be friends and see other people that’s fine just don’t mislead me”. “of course not . please, i would never. i love you.” 16 other women and men. he set me up to believe we were about to make love, get me naked, get me totally vulnerable, then either suddenly leave me there naked alone and say he has coming right back and ignore me. also he tape recorded me at times so who knows what other sick stuff he did. i have gross photos on my computer no idea where they came from.
2) please don’t suddenly discard me without saying goodbye. it triggers something inside me and i have a literal breakdown. so please just a text anything just don’t see me calling and ignore me. “please i would never. i promise.” well 2x a week since 6/01/08 he would make love to me profess to love me, then just like that gone. i know i should have left but at that point i couldn’t breathe much less be strong. he would show others (another ex at that time) my texts saying “poor—– i am really worried about her. no we don’t see each other we are just friends but i am afraid she is using drugs or loosing her mind.” then he would come over tell me i am crazy that he was not with other women and not ignoring me and that i need help. i am crazy. OMG his phone bill showed he called her 84x in 3 weeks. and yet he still denied it
3) he likes to stay up for days and i do not and i need to sleep overnight. i asked to simply respect that and even offered that he stay up all night just please inform me at a decent hour and then just stay at a friends (guy so i thought) until the morning so i don’t have to worry. my son was living with me then and i couldn’t have him roaming around all hours of the night. so, naturally he said sure and purposely did things to keep me up night after night.
there is so much more but the most pain comes from knowing i shared intimate parts of myself with this man thinking it would be cherished, respected, and kept between us (like i did for him although all i got were lies) when in fact he used each one to calculate a way to hurt me.
I love my dad but there stems my issues. and i know it is me not him. i am not a child i decide what i do and who i let into my life and i forgave them for our childhood but yet i can’t make whatever it is in my head about men stop destroying me.
i know i put to much importance or give too much of myself in a relationship because of some unsolved daddy issue or simply wanting to break free from him being the man in my life and yet that’s is exactly what sabotages it.
i know that i am a lady and i should not be paying for the man to live. i know money doesn’t buy love or happiness if anything y relationships with men.
my sex issues well, hopeless. i have shame from the catholic thing and my ex is the only one i trusted enough to “you know” then he exploited me, brought over homeless prostitutes, watched porn, degraded me, left my bed for an others and my money paid for it. agh!!! i can accept no more men or sex, but i still want to know how to take the power away from the negative messages i got as a kid and now????
i am grown woman but please i was caught in the cycle of abuse and my millionaire dad won’t help me accept for a shrink. i out right said “dad please i need you. you have credibility and power and you could scare him off or at least restore my credibility a little bit of you just called —and explained about the airline tickets.(03/08) no one believes me and it hurt s me and isn’t right and besides if my own father doesn’t have any reaction what so ever to my being robbed, abused, harassed, scared, murdering ex how do you think that will affect how anyone views the situation?” how can i get a restraining order if i can’t even convince my own father that i could be in danger???
i think maybe i am nuts. please know i know i am an adult and i can’t blame anyone but me for letting this go on for so long. i know i promise i know but is there any validity to my feelings or really what i need is please tell me how to stop letting these men control how i feel about myself??????????????????????????
thank you and so sorry so long. 🙂
man no idea it was that long…..just skip it. so sorry agh!!!!!!@.......@!
awakening:
Your feelings are valid. When I read your first couple of paragraphs I thought “I’m a gay man, but she just described my relationship with S to a “t”.” All of us on this site would make the same statement, because even though there are variations, we all pretty much experienced exactly what you survived.
While I understand looking to your family for support — I did and I got none, the sad reality is at the end of the day only you and you alone can go NC and stop the madness. Another sad reality is that unless somebody has gone through having their life canibalized by a sociopath, they just can’t understand it. That’s why we’re all here on this site.
I don’t know if you are seeing a theraist yet. It can help — but you’ve got to find one who knows what sociopathy is all about. There’s an article in the archives about questions to ask a therapist to determine this. I urge you to read it.
thank you so much matt. i am embarrassed that i wrote so much. i feel selfish, pathetic, like just os sick of being sick. i want that fun, laughing, happy bubbly girl to come back.
i really appreciate you saying that you relate it helps so much especially since it was way too long and i so don’t want to seem like i blame my dad. thank god i found you!!! i am sad for you that you all had to endure this crap but thankful that we have each other!!
yes i was seeing someone 2x a week when i was at my parents from nov – march. now i am back here, just moved, and still trying to figure out what’s next? i blew off calling the attorney and i don’t know anyone out here who understands. is there a place i can look for shrinks in my area who get it?
i really want to move forward and stop dwelling on myself and him and my other issues. at times i feel like to “live” is my best solution.. who knows?( i know to be save it means to create a life without looking for a man or sex. then maybe i can do the rest)
you are a great person to help so many with their legal questions and to answer a long winded clueless new member.
thank you. sending you a big hug and i hope some good laughs this weekend!!!!!!
awakening:
Have you read the book “The Betrayal Bond”? It really helped me understand why I kept getting involved in exploitive relationships.
As for finding a good therapist, there is a referral list on this site. Other than that, read that article on what questions to ask a potential therapist.