What is the single most powerful signifier of sociopathy?
How about, lack of empathy?
I don’t think so.
As an isolated factor, I don’t think lack of empathy best nails the sociopath.
Many millions of people, after all, lack empathy and aren’t sociopaths. Also, exactly what constitutes empathy is a subject of some disagreement. Some LoveFraud members, in fact, question whether sociopaths even lack empathy (some asserting, to the contrary, that the sociopaths they’ve known have used their capacity for empathy to exploit them).
But the biggest problem with lack of empathy is its weakeness in explaining the single, truly best signifier of sociopathy—the characterological exploitiveness of the sociopath.
It is a high level of exploitiveness that most singularly exposes the sociopath.
Now exploitiveness is also associated with the narcissistic personality. For this reason extremely destructive (“malignant”) narcissists can be hard to distinguish from sociopaths. Still, a high level of exploitiveness is rarely the single best signifier of narcissistic personality disorder, whereas it is, I suggest, the best single indicator of sociopathy.
Why does lack of empathy fail to explain the sociopath’s exploitiveness? It fails because most people who lack empathy are not exploitive. Just consider the autistic spectrum disorders: Lack of empathy is commonly associated with these disorders, but exploitive behavior is not.
Now it is true that empathic individuals will generally be nonexploitive. Why? Because their empathy will prove a deterrent against exploitative impulses or ideas. Empathy, in other words, surely is a powerful deterrent against exploitation.
But in someone nonexploitative (someone, say, with Asperger’s Syndrome), empathy will not be needed for its deterrent effect. However, in someone inclined to exploitation, lack of empathy will be a missing deterrent in a situation where deterrence is urgent.
Effectively, the sociopath’s exploitive nature is undeterred by empathy, which is missing, thus liberating him to exploit. And it is the sociopath’s tendency, or compulsion, to exploit, I propose, that best characterizes his sociopathy.
I’d be remiss not to clarify my working definition of empathy. Empathy, as I use it, is an experience, or appreciation, of another’s experience that, depending on the situation, elicits a thoughtful, respectful, perhaps nurturing, but never exploitive, response.
While some sociopaths may possess an evolved capacity to read others’ vulnerabilities, this doesn’t make them empathic.
It is the particular response to someone’s vulnerability that indicates the presence of empathy, or exploitation. It is the particular response, or pattern of responses, to someone’s vulnerability that separates the empathic individual from the predator.
In this respect, I regard the sociopath as seriously, and given his exploitive personality, dangerously deficient in empathy.
What about his remorselessness? Certainly the sociopath’s remorselessness is quite notable and diagnostically significant. However, I would argue that the sociopath’s remorselessness is a byproduct not of his lack of empathy, but of his exploitive personality.
Many people who lack empathy are remorseful, for instance when informed that an action they took, or something they said, left someone else feeling damaged. They may struggle to relate emotionally (or even intellectually) to the effect their behavior had on the wounded party (their deficient empathy); but they are upset to learn that their action caused damage.
In other words, they feel remorseful even though their empathy is deficient.
However, exploitation and remorselessness go hand in hand. The essence of exploitation is the intentional violation of another’s vulnerability. The exploiter knows, on some level, that his behavior is exploitive.
By definition, the exploiter is grossly indifferent to the damaging effect of his behavior on his victim. All that matters is his perceived gain, his demanded, greedy satisfaction. There is indifference to the loss and damage to others resulting from his self-centered, aggressive behaviors.
This sounds a lot like callousness; and we recognize callousness as another of the sociopath’s telling qualities. But I would suggest, again, that the sociopath’s callousness derives not from his defective empathy, but rather from his characterological exploitiveness. Most people with deficits in empathy are not callous. On the other hand, the exploitive mentality will engender a callous perspective.
I discussed in a prior post the audacity of the sociopath. I suggested a correspondence between audacity and sociopathy. But here, too, we want to get the causality correct: audacity doesn’t make for sociopathy; but the exploitive mentality will make for staggering audacity.
(My use of “he” in this post is for convenience’s sake, not to suggest that men have a patent on sociopathy. This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Janetf,
They can’t or won’t admit the truth because the truth is not in them. The truth of what mine was was so much worse than I ever imagined. So when I told him “I know what you are,” and he replied that I was accusing him of “being some sort of monster,” I only knew a small percentage of what he was.
The truth of him far surpassed my ability to imagine evil. I knew him to be a liar, a con man, a perpetrator of financial frauds. He was all that, and more. He was a child molester. He was (I believe in my heart of hearts) a killer.
They can’t admit what they are for many reasons. There’s the game. The game they love to play. The game that comprises their entire existence. There are the legal consequences of their actions–they will never admit to something that will put them behind bars. There’s the sick thrill they get by your desperate reactions to them. They ENJOY your pain, confusion, and raw need for truth and closure. It gives them POWER and makes them feel superior to you.
They are wrong, of course. They are not superior to you or anything else. But they are sick and evil and the truth is just not in them.
Quest
ALcohol was the self-medication that my Psyco used to Socialize he was not educated and had low self-esteem even though he was Handsom! His mother was the sociopath parent , his father was Missing. Once he started Drinking he could not stop ! he had to drink till all of the alcohol was gone ! In the begining of our anti-relationship there was no violence . At the end of it there was always Violence! LOVE JJ
Right
Like expecting the Dog caught leaving the chicken coop to caugh up the eggs! :)~ LOVE JJ
The only problem with “exploitiveness” as a main identifier is that you often don’t know you have been exploited until after the damage is done. Martha Stout (The Sociopath Next Door) says that the “pity ploy” is probably the best indicator. Also, she mentions the “rule of 3” with regards to lying: One lie could be a misunderstanding. Two could mean a serious problem. Three lies and you should probably start thinking this person’s a sociopath.
As far as how to tell if a S/P is dangerous, I believe they are all dangerous, whether they are violent or not. Any type of exploitation is generally life-destroying. And I would not trust a non-violent P to remain non-violent if violence would benefit them in some way.
My X kept his drinking under control – most of the time. But there was the binge drinking – when he drank too much he became mean and would go into a rage and then get in his car and drive like a mad person – two vehicles he destroyed while with me. I was frightened by him – I can’t explain it but I felt the evil in him – it was like he was possessed by a demon at time’s.He had some kind of control over me that I cannot explain – I felt sorry for him and feared him at the same time – I was always hoping he would be who he said he was – was hoping he would see how much I really cared.. So many of you have commented about never being the same again – after your encounter with them – I feel that way every moment and he has been gone 9 months – I will admit I suffered from low self esteem before him – but something inside me is damaged – therapy and anti depressants have not helped – I have improved by leaps and bounds – but still I am left feeling changed forever. I wont even speak about it to anyone (except here) because I feel like I am the crazy one and he had every reason to leave me in the end because I am so f ed up….
Henry, Henry, Henry … I while back I wrote that we should put together videos of drunk drivers … an eye view of pretending that a drunk is behind the wheel … we see the car smashing into a tree or going over a cliff, down into the ravine … so many possibilities … all the while, Christmas music is playing in the background … so all the drunks can be given the tapes for the holidays … stay home … put the CD in … and watch their destructive behaviors on tape than to actually have to get behind the wheel to destroy everyone, everything in their path.
Peace … you were lucky you survived those drives with that idiot. Believe me … he knew what he was doing, he just didn’t care! They are always making some stupid point of their existence in the world.
They really need to get over themselves.
Dr. Steve,
Thank you so much for this post! What really hit me is your writing that “exploitation and remorselessness go hand in hand. The essence of exploitation is the intentional violation of another’s vulnerability. The exploiter knows, on some level, that his behavior is exploitive.
By definition, the exploiter is grossly indifferent to the damaging effect of his behavior on his victim. All that matters is his perceived gain, his demanded, greedy satisfaction. There is indifference to the loss and damage to others resulting from his self-centered, aggressive behaviors.”
That was so validating. I really suspected that this person “knew at some level” that he was exploiting, though he is so good at telling lies that he even seemed to believe them… that I wasn’t sure he was aware of what he was doing, yet I felt he did know, from some “jokes” he made (while drinking, as mentioned above). And while we can’t always spot the exploitation at the time, a big wake up clue to me was the lack of remorse that you say goes hand in hand with the exploitation. When I told him he needed to apologize and that I needed more than words, that I needed tangible proof of repentance, like paying my therapy bills (as he would for physical therapy had the injuries been physical)…..then he suddenly switched his story and decided oh NO! He had NOT been cruel to me after all, had nothing to apologize for after all! It showed that his “remorse” was one inch thick, especially as he was a Thomas Crowne kind of p with plenty of money.
It is amazing that we need confirmation over and over that they truly are the monster behind the mask and not the mask. I have learned to turn off the audio and listen to actions instead of words!!!
Henry wrote “I feel like I am the crazy one and he had every reason to leave me in the end because I am so f ed up”.” I imagine that is just his projections getting to you. You were fed up because you SHOULD BE fed up, I suspect! I found myself being very angry, very confrontrational, ripping him up one side and down the other……and at first I felt shame, and then I realized NO! That is like feeling shame for telling off Hitler! There are times in our life when we need to be able to stand up to evil, call it what it is, speak truth to “power” (pseudo power in their case), and if we don’t do it with perfect grace, who cares! The important thing is that we did it! AND if you are around insanity, yes, you can become a bit insane trying to adapt and adjust to it as a gracious person does until they are able to realize what is really going on! And then your insanity will lift. I’m at 10 months of NC, getting better! And as far as being changed, as someone quoted somewhere on this site I think, the strongest china has gone through the hottest fire. We are changed forever, a change we could do without if the world didn’t have p’s, but it does, and now we are among the strong.
Gillian, I feel concerned about doing nothing to prevent your ex from abusing other boys/children- as difficult as that may be for you. That is a crime he committed against your child. I am reminded of the quote- something to the effect of….’the greatest evil of all is that good people do nothing about it’ (paraphrasing).
Dear Hopeful,
Quote: “The greatest evil of all is that good people do nothing”
You are so right there.
So many times though, when we do try to do something to “prevent” someone from abusing others, WE are the one who is punished, not the psychopath. In many ways society in general is like a dysfunctioning family that is deeply involved in enabling the “family bad boys” in order not to “rock the boat.”
It amazes me how so many people don’t WANT to “see evil” in someone even though that person has APTLY DEMONSTRATED evil behavior (such as criminal child abuse) and these people are so willing to believe the phony remorse that these people (like OJ in the latest court hearing) put on.