We’ve discussed many of the sociopath’s traits, such as his missing empathy and compassion; his tendency to remorseless interpersonal exploitation; and proclivity to audacious acts of lying, deception and sundry other violating behaviors.
Now, I’m tempted to add to the mix what I call the sociopath’s tendency to “irrational optimism.”
By “irrational optimism,” I mean the sociopath’s irrationally optimistic belief, if not conviction, that he’ll either evade or, somehow, otherwise prevail over, the real, probable consequences of his actions.
Consider this brief, hypothetical interaction between a sociopath and his partner, who learns with certainty that he, the sociopath, has been cheating on her with three different women simultaneously:
Partner: How could you do that?
Sociopath: Do what?
Partner: Sleep with three different women behind my back. Are you f*cking demented?
Sociopath: First of all, that’s abusive. So stop right there and don’t abuse me. Second, I didn’t sleep with f*cking anybody. Not that I haven’t been tempted, given how lame our sex life is.
Partner: Why are you lying? I know who these women are, and I can prove you’ve been sleeping with them. Do you think I’m that f*cking stupid?
Sociopath: Let me ask you something. Why the hell would I sleep with three women and risk getting some f*cking STD? Think about it. You know me”¦or maybe you don’t? Does that make any sense?
The sociopath here is (or was) irrationally optimistic on two levels—first, that he’d be able to perpetrate this caper, undetected, indefinitely; and second that, once busted (as, now, he is) he’ll be able to squirm his way out of accountability.
We could address many aspects of this interaction, but I’d like to emphasize his last argument: “Let me ask you something. Why the hell would I sleep with three women and risk getting some f*cking STD? Think about it. You know me”¦or do you? Does that make any sense?”
This argument captures, I think, the sociopath’s “irrational optimism” beautifully. In offering the glibly insulting invitation to “think about it,” he makes a spectacle of his audacity and contempt: he really expects, and believes his partner should, accept his invitation [to think about it].
But even more than expecting her to “think about it,” which is outrageous enough, he expects her, in his irrational optimism, actually to be persuaded by his argument. In his irrational optimism, he is hopeful, if not confident, that she’ll choose to disbelieve the evidence she holds indisputably in her hands in favor of accepting his insulting logic.
How classically sociopathic is this?
More importantly, what contributes to the sociopath’s irrational optimism?
We might begin with his malignant sense of entitlement—that is, the sociopath’s belief that he is entitled to obtain the gratifications he wants. One of the most dangerous aspects of the attitude of entitlement is how it renders impotent—denudes of power—rule, limits and laws.
When you feel entitled to something, if it’s not accomodatingly forthcoming, you feel entitled to take it. You’ve laid, in your entitlement, a kind of psychic possession of what it is you want, so that now it becomes, in your mind, yours—specifically, your right to have.
And so if someone (or something) obstructs your seizing what now, in your mind, is your right to possess, then you are free to take it—to take, in fact, whatever is yours—by any means necessary.
Conferring this entitled status upon oneself encourages the irrationally optimistic view that, one way or another, accomodation looms”¦it must!
Closely related to this is the sociopath’s grandiosity: he believes he can and should succeed at his high-wire machinations because he’s that good, that clever and—it can’t be stressed enough—that entitled.
His grandiosity may take the form of thoughts like, “Sure, normal guys couldn’t pull this shit off, but I’m not your normal guy.”
And so, when you feel like you can do things that others can’t—especially things unsupported by “reality—”this is grandiosity. And grandiosity feeds, I believe, very directly, the sociopath’s tendency to irrational optimism.
Then there is the sociopath’s contempt, so inseparable from his grandiosity. As we discussed, the sociopath, in the example above, expects his insulting argument to succeed, either because he’s convinced he’s smart, clever and persuasive enough to be found so convincing, or else he’s convinced that his partner is dumb, naïve and/or desperate enough to believe him. (Or both!)
As a consequence, the sociopath’s contempt leaves him at constant risk of underestimating others, and overestimating himself. In his irrational optimism, fed by his contempt, he fails to appreciate how close he is always is—perhaps just one more reckless risk away—from being busted.
What else feeds the sociopath’s irrational optimism? How about his stupidity?
This may sound provocative, but let me explain. I suggest that blind faith supports a perspective of irrational optimism, and the sociopath operates with a kind of blind faith. That is, he operates in the blind faith that, somehow or other, he’ll escape accountability for his latest transgression.
Where does his blind faith come from? Two good sources, I’d suggest, are his grandiosity and arrogance—they blind him, I contend, to certain realities, effectively making him stupid on some level.
And his stupidity reinforces his irrational optimism.
Quite obviously, I’m not talking I.Q. stupidity, but rather judgement-level stupidity. The sociopath’s personality pathology mars his capacity to make wise, intelligent judgements in many circumstances.
(My use of “he” in this article is a convenience, not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed. This article is copyrighted © 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW).
To ALL of my Lf fellow survivors……
Let this be a lesson on how we take things personally! It is representative of the world and all the variables involved.
Also a lesson on Balance and our own awareness.
We are online buds….Donna has created a ‘safe’ place to share our feelings and we all contribute to Donna’s ‘baby’ by participating in one way or another.
I think our responses are a fabulous way for us to explore ourselves, our emotions and our ‘WHY’ questions, when we feel blindsided. It’s a safe place to do this, because we can step away from the computer and no one see’s.
As much as I enjoy this site and all he members here…..I would not allow my ups or downs to be dictated by my online buds…..I will give no one that power over me now.
I learned that from the S.
This doesn’t minimize the importance of any of you, your input into my questions, or things I choose to share……
When the discernment starts here…..there is nothing here I haven’t heard in ‘real life’.
I see the psychology of it unfolding and I understand there are some that get a lift from the power, some attempt to feed a need, some smooth over, some acuse, some defend, some ignore and some step away.
This is life and we have all seen it and all the reactions towards us and our pain…..from family, friends, neighbors etc…
We are all bringing something to this LF table…..whether we agree or disagree….sometimes it is not obvious, and sometimes it hits us later.
There are lessons about ourselves in everything…..
Bottom line…..we can only depend on ourselves!
Why I came back to this thread was because I was going to add another comment, which has now become a point which is moot for me. I saw all of the comments that had come up in those few minutes, read the comment that made me feel attacked and changed my mind. You see, I haven’t been on this site in a month, so I was just catching up. Skylar has helped me a lot in th past and I consider her a friend, so I just posted in support to her. I did so before I read her dramatic goodbye to us. My statement of support still holds to her and I’m capable of my own dramatics and I understand her feeling like she wanted to leave or say goodbye. I also had not read the big comment that everyone thought was abusive and I think I’m still missing a lot, but it’s not my drama or my business, so I’ll butt out.
I will still add the comment I was going to when I came back on this thread, before getting side-tracked by something that caught me off guard and hurt my feelings. I’m sensitive at this stage in my life, myself. I think many of us are. I can admit this and own it and work on it.
I WAS going to comment on some of the above comments about feeling like the board is a clique or that there are leaders who discount some posters or some posters’ opinions. I think this is a valid opinion that we shouldn’t all shoot down, but that’s just my opinion about it. People can and will do what they want to. That’s the beauty of how this board AND humanity works. We are different and disagree, like Oxy said. I think it is a valid OPINION only. I’m not saying it’s truth. I used to have this opinion, but I realize I was dealing with things in my life that made it so other things appeared differently than they were. I believe I can see what I want to or what I’m looking for in life.
I decided to make a decision about returning to this site. I asked myself some questions: What did this board offer me? Did it help me make positive changes? Why do I come to this board? Can it help me more in the future? When I am triggered here, what is the trigger and what can I learn about this trigger in my road to recovery? Can I offer anything to individuals or the community that will help? I did some soul searching and decided that when I’m feeling weak or at all vulnerable, this isn’t the best place for me to come. That is just what I decided for myself. Others might feel that this is the perfect place to come when they’re in this state. I need to get strong on my own first. My purpose for being here is to learn, become more educated, get coping ideas from other people, vent and I hope to be able to maybe touch someone else’s life or help them through what I’ve been through, through my posts, at some point. I think it is good and healthy for me, but like all things in life, I need to do “self checks” and keep monitoring myself. Just because I do not have a lump in my breast one day when I do a self-exam does not mean that I do not need to do one again and make sure I’m still healthy. That’s what I compare it to and how I think of it. Maybe, for those of you who are considering leaving the board completely, maybe this will help you not be so black-and-white, all or nothing about it and you still might consider coming back. I miss you and hope you all don’t leave. In the end though, I hope people do what is right for them and maybe the board is not right for EVERYONE.
I get my feelings hurt on here. I just did! And I was in a terrific mood and was on the way out the door to a party I planned with my son. I just did a quick stop-over while he was finishing his nap up before we left. I still got triggered and hurt and I haven’t felt triggered since I was last here a month ago. I should consider this fact as I’m doing my continual “self-exam” and I will. It gives me something to think about, but for now I still stand by my opinion that this is a healthy place for me to be, during certain times. I’m not going to “throw the baby out with the bath water”. I’m reassessing and I will come back when I feel healthy and happy again. For me, this is what works.
Although I can see some merit to those who feel this might have aspects of a clique, I don’t feel that anymore. If there are people who I feel are encouraging “group think” a bit too strongly, I ignore it. I know enough about myself and about how much I don’t want to let someone exert control over me and tell me how to act or thinnk enough to NOT do what they say. I also don’t need to make a big thing of it because while I might recognize this attribute to be a poor one of the person who is being enabling or controlling, that is just my opinion at the end of the day. Why would I want to offer an opinion that would hurt someone’s feelings? How would that help that person? How would it help me? If it’s just that person’s nature, wouldn’t it be kind of mean on me to pick on that quality? Do I like it when people notice my bad and worst qualities and bring it up in from of many other people? My P did that to me enough, so I don’t want to do it to others now that I know how it feels. Just my two cents. Also, who’s to say that the behavior is “bad” because who made me the judge? Maybe it is bad for me or would be bad for me, but it works for the other person and how they live their life. Other people might respond well to it and it might work for THEIR relationsihp. And if someone IS being controlled, that’s not my business, but is there’s.
I’m still going to take another little break from the board because I don’t think I’m ready and my skin isn’t thick enough yet. But, I’m working on it, so I’ll be back. Maybe those who are leaving “for good” might consider this approach. Then again, they might not because I am me and they are they and that is a good thing, at the end of the day. Peace, all.
P.S. I still have not read the comments above that were directed at me because I’m not up to it right now. I will when I return to the board when I can “take it”. I care about you all and appreciate this community though. I can tell you that. Please, everyone take care of yourselves. I will do the same. See you soon.
jillsmith,
It was good to hear from you (I read your post on another thread) and to hear that you have been doing so much better!
That is WONDERFUL news…..When I read that you kind of just had this “enlightenment” one day, I had to chuckle.
When I go through something like this I relate it to being (for myself)…..That I am just TIRED of being sick and tired.
I wake up every day and just feel so down and depressed. (sick & tired) AND then after awile I just can’t take it anymore.
And this is my AH-HA moment.
Good for you 🙂 …I have always felt that the really “hard” stuff we do alone. We can have a support system (thank God) or friends that pick us up when we fall…..But the hard emotional stuff that we deal with, we have to be ready to take it on.
Please don’t feel that you need to go away. Just so happens that alot of us are going through some stuff right now and that is of course why we are all here….To go through our “stuff”. Own our feelings and heal.
xxx
Skylar:
You and I both need to get over ourselves…this isn’t at this point about
either of us. I did/do/always will accept that apology of yours and appreciate it, I was only trying to explain to JillSmith and I was hurt at the time that no one seemed worried about my feelings being hurt (before and after your apology). So that was probably childish, I’m human, you’re human, end of story. I’m glad you have come back, let’s just go back to a clean slate.
Jillsmith – if you got caught in the crossfire and it sounds like you did –
I’m sorry for that. Nothing I said was meant to hurt you personally –
this is an example of how miscommunication can escalate and we’re
doing what the sociopaths do, noogle every last nuance till it’s absolutely
absurd and we feel crazy!
Glad you responded to everyone, Erin. I’m going back to maintaining
my own equilibrium for myself, thought I was doing pretty good.
Hey everybody. I’m not going anywhere. I got my pantys out of my a– crack. I just needed 24 hours. Thanks to all who thought of me.
Jill Smith, I hope you stick around. You have so much to offer. And you, too Persephone. Each and everyoneofus adds something important.
Well, apparently I’m missed quite a bit the last couple days. I would just like to say that I have been helped tremendously by each and every one of your stories. I hope that everyone sticks around and learns from this experience too. That’s what it’s all about…learning and applying it to life to better ourselves. We’re all here for our own personal reasons. And in the words of Rodney Kind…”Can’t we all just get along?” I love all of you for your continued love, support and wisdom. Hope you all have a great day. 🙂
Dear skylar,
To answer your questions, if you will go to the last post of mine on the other thread…I said I did not think you or any one else had abused anyone. I do not think you abused anyone. I don’t believe you did and I said I didn’t believe you did.
As for Jill apologizing to me, if you will read my response to her you will see that I told her that apologizing to me was not appropriate. I told her and anyone else who wanted to read that I was not a monitor and it is not my blog, Donna owns it. I have opinions, and everyone else here has opinions and everyones opinions are theirs. Mine is mine.
I dont’ want to get into an argument with or about you, Skylar. I said I hoped you came back, I also said that I had no problem with you being angry (whether you were “right or wrong” had no bearing on your feelings.) I also said I did not feel guilty about you leaving or accept any blame for your choice. You are a free agent, Skylar…an adult free to make your own decisions based on your opinion of truth and fact.
I said and I restate, I think we should move on to something else as the arguments and discussion are upsetting to others and we all need to focus on our own healing and put this to rest.
PEACE.
I find it IRONIC that Rosa would point her finger at skylar and call her abusive, but she won’t point her finger at her SIL who is abusing a child, oh no, Rosa is smarter than the sociopath, so that’s ok. This situation has bothered me for a long time and I should have said something earlier, I didn’t want to ruffle any feathers, so I just stepped out of my comfort zone this moment for the child.
Just a suggestion.
“I am triggered” is a wonderful thing to say.
“I am triggered by something you did or said” is more specific.
“I am triggered by something you did or said, because this kind of thing reminds me of X, or because I really need things to be a certain way to be comfortable” is even better.
To the extent we can clearly take responsibility for our own feelings, we are more likely to be able to express ourselves without triggering other people. These are my feelings. They reflect my reactions to something that is going on. I have this reaction because I have certain needs or issues. Yes, you may have triggered it, but it’s really about me.
It is still no guarantee that we’re not going to trigger someone. There may be people here who just cannot bear my being triggered, because it reminds them of a dangerous situation in their own past, or because they need to have everyone be happy to feel safe.
That’s just a risk of interacting. Sometimes we’re going to trigger other people, no matter how good we are at communicating or how sensitive we are to known triggers with another person.
As an example (I hope this doesn’t bother you, Skylar), Skylar has reported that she was triggered by a lot of people asking her questions or offering her advice about her choices in what we interpreted as an NC issue. She felt like she wasn’t being heard, and it linked up to previous feelings of not being heard. And she reacted with anger and boundary building.
This is information about Skylar, given to us by Skylar (thank you , Skylar for being so clear), so now we know what happened.
If this triggers us, it’s about us, not Skylar.
As I keep repeating, in this environment we have a lot of people dealing with PSTD issues, which means that we’re hyper-vulnerable to being triggered. Domino effects can and do start, and we get into these very confusing mishmashes.
If we can say “I got triggered” about something, we can relate to each other without having to get into blaming. “Hey, I got triggered too. What’s that about?” This kind of thinking and talking is really good for us. It keeps the focus on us and our processes, rather than giving a lot of energy to our perceived perpetrators.
Everything, and I mean everything, that happens in our lives is fodder for getting well, if we’re on that path. We can use our experiences to perpetrate our pain, or we can use them to figure out its real causes and resolve them. The difference is what we focus on, ourselves and our feelings, or what other people are doing that trigger them.
I vote for talking about myself. My own reactions. Owning them, and trying to figure out what inside of me is getting triggered.
Kathy
I don’t want anyone to be hurt and upset. I don’t want anyone to be hurt and upset by my post either, but I want to show you guys what I saw…I hope it helps every one to start healing from these last couple of days!
(from “regrets, we all have them”)
Skylar says:
LIG,
Thank you so much for posting that.
That young woman is amazing. Her words and facial expressions were powerful.
I think youth has a certain wisdom and resiliency that we (speaking for myself) lose if we are under the spell of the P for too many years into adulthood.
In a way, she is lucky that he hit her early enough into the relationshit and that it was exposed in the media. It provided her with the feedback she needed to get out.
I wish my P had hit me, just once. Without that physical beating, I was clueless.
(Report abusive comment)
Saturday, 7 November 2009 @....... 2:51pm
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(my words)
NOW PAY ATTENTION, TRY IT FROM ERINS POINT OF VIEW AND TRY IT FROM SKYLARS POINT OF VIEW
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ErinBrock says:
Skylar:
The S started the physical abuse almost right off the bat with me—it sure didn’t stop anything”..as I grew older I hated the abuse, buy I thought I loved the man”.If he could ONLY see how he hurts me”..
He used to tell me, early on”.If a woman acts like a man, she deserves to be treated like one—.this was his justicication.
With me”..the physical came to a transition”.it stopped”.but the emotional and cruelty upped substantially. I remember him specifically saying to me—I WILL NEVER HIT YOU AGAIN—and he didn’t”..for years”..
With our first child, he pushed me down the stairs, he was angry I was going thru with the pregnancy”..he threatened to leave me”.I cried and begged”.I was terrified of being a single mother”.
Then he started getting his physical out on our first child—in disguise of being a strict parent—spankings”..but they became more and more”.and then several times a day”..always a lash out—he would get mad at me, saying i was coddeling the child”I needed to spank him more”..
My view on spanking was a last resort”..not a release of my uncontrollable emotions on the child for control.
He would leave hand prints on the child—I begged do NOT do this”.I lived in fear of CPS—someone reporting it—but it wasn’t enough fear to get out”..I kept hoping it would change, I could protect us all—.
The physical I hated”.the emotional I hated”..It was all a mind FUCK—and it all hurt! My family knew it, tried to help”..I went back”.It was exposed”.I made classic excuses”..
I don’t believe one can “monday morning quarterback’ and think you can gain insight from afar and relive our pasts and decisions”..
I was hit”.in the beginning”..I sayed for 28 years!!!
Go figure!
The ONLY reason this woman CHOSE to leave was she had the strength. She became enlightened and made a CHOICE.
She wasn’t willing to lie to herself about it”..regardless of what her fans said and her family and other celebs”..she very easliy (like in the beginning) could have made excuses and defended and taken responsiblity for HIS actions—.
SHE DID NOT!!!!
She is awesome!!!!!! She has stepped away and defelected any ownership of HIS ACTIONS—.
I, on the other hand”accepted ownership of what he did”.and why I deserved it and buried in deep and held the ‘secret’.
skylar”.I’m sorry, but—
I find this statement disturbing, as if this would have changed anything—.
“I wish my P had hit me, just once. Without that physical beating, I was clueless. ”
Change the abuse avenue. Currently you are fully aware, he tried to poison you and you fear him for lot’s of reasons”..
AND STILL, YOU REMAIN IN TOUCH, thinking you can control your destiny this way.
In a sense, you give the same excuses a battered woman does to others why you remain in touch”..
Your not married.
You don’t share assets
You don’t have kids
You are not reliant on him financially
You are not living together”..
SO WHY?
(Report abusive comment)
Saturday, 7 November 2009 @....... 3:41pm
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(My words again)
At this point I believe a couple of people jump on the nc topic.
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skylar says:
EB, if he had hit me, I would have left. I remember how many times I thought it over 25 years: “please hit me mo-fo, because that’ll be the end.” He knew the exact position of my boundaries and he never raised a hand.
But I did leave him for not paying back my $5000 in 1989 and I came back when he paid it. after that it was always a pity ploy about why we couldn’t seem to make ends meet and my money got funnelled more stealthily. At the end, my first wake up was when I realized he was conning me about homeland security in order to take the business out of my name. Again, money raised a red flag while emotional abuse flew under the radar. My p-parents DID teach me the value of money because it’s the only thing THEY value.
But I need to get to the heart of the matter here.
HE HAS NO CONTROL OVER MY EMOTIONS ANYMORE. I FEEL NOTHING FOR HIM. I’VE REMOVED THE BUTTONS. ANY CONTACT I HAVE WITH HIM SERVES TO FRUSTRATE HIM AND IT REMOVES THE MEMORY OF REWARD-FEEDBACK CYCLE. all my responses are so unpredictable that he keeps asking me if I’m: a witch, bi-polar, multiple personality, under the control of a guru”etc”
HE CANNOT HURT ME EMOTIONALLY and having NC will not change whether he can hurt me physically because he has never touched me. He is dangerous because his methods are slander, sabotage and poison. He will work in stealth he has never and will never hit me. EVERYTHING HE DOES IS STEALTH.
The only ones who can hurt me emotionally are YOU guys here at LF. AND YOU HAVE. AND I’M DONE. YOU CLAIM TO BE SO EMPATHIC BUT I’VE PUT UP WITH IT LONG ENOUGH, I’VE BEEN GOOD-NATURED AND I’VE LAUGHED AT YOUR SKILLET BOINKING.
I ASKED YOU TO STOP JUDGING ME AND MY METHODS FOR SURVIVAL. THEY ARE MY METHODS BASED ON MY EXPERIENCE WITH THIS PARTICULAR SOCIOPATH.
AND I’M DONE. I’M GOING NC. WITH YOU.
Sorry to say good bye to those of you who weren’t guilty of this crap, but you all know the rules which Kathleen laid out:
#3 Reduce your pain tolerance to zero in voluntary interpersonal relationshits.
I can’t go NC with LF boinkers without losing the whole gang. bye.
(Report abusive comment)
Saturday, 7 November 2009 @....... 5:40pm
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(my words)
Skylar stated an opinion. Erin was triggered (I think she says with “I find this statement to be disturbing”), understandable as it may be.
Now skylar comes back clearly triggered. This is understandable too.
I will apologize because I can see that you are or were upset and hurt.
I’m sorry Erin, that you stayed in an abusive situation and suffered soooo much pain. I think we all did in one way or another. I’m happy you came out strong!
I’m sorry Skylar, that you can’t find a lot of understanding about non-nc. (sometimes an understanding person is all we need) I will respect the fact that you don’t want to be confronted about this topic. Understandable. I’m sorry your situation may call for some contact in order to ensure a safer future. I don’t know because I’m not there but I hear you loud and clear!
I love you ALL
Love, huge hugs, and prayers, heavenbound