We’ve discussed many of the sociopath’s traits, such as his missing empathy and compassion; his tendency to remorseless interpersonal exploitation; and proclivity to audacious acts of lying, deception and sundry other violating behaviors.
Now, I’m tempted to add to the mix what I call the sociopath’s tendency to “irrational optimism.”
By “irrational optimism,” I mean the sociopath’s irrationally optimistic belief, if not conviction, that he’ll either evade or, somehow, otherwise prevail over, the real, probable consequences of his actions.
Consider this brief, hypothetical interaction between a sociopath and his partner, who learns with certainty that he, the sociopath, has been cheating on her with three different women simultaneously:
Partner: How could you do that?
Sociopath: Do what?
Partner: Sleep with three different women behind my back. Are you f*cking demented?
Sociopath: First of all, that’s abusive. So stop right there and don’t abuse me. Second, I didn’t sleep with f*cking anybody. Not that I haven’t been tempted, given how lame our sex life is.
Partner: Why are you lying? I know who these women are, and I can prove you’ve been sleeping with them. Do you think I’m that f*cking stupid?
Sociopath: Let me ask you something. Why the hell would I sleep with three women and risk getting some f*cking STD? Think about it. You know me”¦or maybe you don’t? Does that make any sense?
The sociopath here is (or was) irrationally optimistic on two levels—first, that he’d be able to perpetrate this caper, undetected, indefinitely; and second that, once busted (as, now, he is) he’ll be able to squirm his way out of accountability.
We could address many aspects of this interaction, but I’d like to emphasize his last argument: “Let me ask you something. Why the hell would I sleep with three women and risk getting some f*cking STD? Think about it. You know me”¦or do you? Does that make any sense?”
This argument captures, I think, the sociopath’s “irrational optimism” beautifully. In offering the glibly insulting invitation to “think about it,” he makes a spectacle of his audacity and contempt: he really expects, and believes his partner should, accept his invitation [to think about it].
But even more than expecting her to “think about it,” which is outrageous enough, he expects her, in his irrational optimism, actually to be persuaded by his argument. In his irrational optimism, he is hopeful, if not confident, that she’ll choose to disbelieve the evidence she holds indisputably in her hands in favor of accepting his insulting logic.
How classically sociopathic is this?
More importantly, what contributes to the sociopath’s irrational optimism?
We might begin with his malignant sense of entitlement—that is, the sociopath’s belief that he is entitled to obtain the gratifications he wants. One of the most dangerous aspects of the attitude of entitlement is how it renders impotent—denudes of power—rule, limits and laws.
When you feel entitled to something, if it’s not accomodatingly forthcoming, you feel entitled to take it. You’ve laid, in your entitlement, a kind of psychic possession of what it is you want, so that now it becomes, in your mind, yours—specifically, your right to have.
And so if someone (or something) obstructs your seizing what now, in your mind, is your right to possess, then you are free to take it—to take, in fact, whatever is yours—by any means necessary.
Conferring this entitled status upon oneself encourages the irrationally optimistic view that, one way or another, accomodation looms”¦it must!
Closely related to this is the sociopath’s grandiosity: he believes he can and should succeed at his high-wire machinations because he’s that good, that clever and—it can’t be stressed enough—that entitled.
His grandiosity may take the form of thoughts like, “Sure, normal guys couldn’t pull this shit off, but I’m not your normal guy.”
And so, when you feel like you can do things that others can’t—especially things unsupported by “reality—”this is grandiosity. And grandiosity feeds, I believe, very directly, the sociopath’s tendency to irrational optimism.
Then there is the sociopath’s contempt, so inseparable from his grandiosity. As we discussed, the sociopath, in the example above, expects his insulting argument to succeed, either because he’s convinced he’s smart, clever and persuasive enough to be found so convincing, or else he’s convinced that his partner is dumb, naïve and/or desperate enough to believe him. (Or both!)
As a consequence, the sociopath’s contempt leaves him at constant risk of underestimating others, and overestimating himself. In his irrational optimism, fed by his contempt, he fails to appreciate how close he is always is—perhaps just one more reckless risk away—from being busted.
What else feeds the sociopath’s irrational optimism? How about his stupidity?
This may sound provocative, but let me explain. I suggest that blind faith supports a perspective of irrational optimism, and the sociopath operates with a kind of blind faith. That is, he operates in the blind faith that, somehow or other, he’ll escape accountability for his latest transgression.
Where does his blind faith come from? Two good sources, I’d suggest, are his grandiosity and arrogance—they blind him, I contend, to certain realities, effectively making him stupid on some level.
And his stupidity reinforces his irrational optimism.
Quite obviously, I’m not talking I.Q. stupidity, but rather judgement-level stupidity. The sociopath’s personality pathology mars his capacity to make wise, intelligent judgements in many circumstances.
(My use of “he” in this article is a convenience, not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed. This article is copyrighted © 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW).
Hi nassaugirl
I don’t post that often, but read a lot of the comments. I was also following tami’s post, and you are so right, DON’T get in to a discussion.
After gaining strength from this site I asked my ex to leave in March. I then got the tears, the pity plays, the I will change, marry me, I want to grow old with you etc ect. but I was getting stronger and stronger so stuck it out. He then had a really bad bike crash (I even thought he might have done it on purpose!) and of course, I felt sorry.
Once you start talking again they are right back in there.
Tami’s comment about ‘no gas in the car’ really struck home. This man has not paid a bill or for food in five years. I think I got a meal on about three occasions, and I paid for the holidays, fuel, even his grandchildren’s presents. When his daughter visited, I paid for her also even though I found an email where she was saying he should find a rich old lady. She had £1000 off him (me) for her phone bill and never paid it back. When I found emails and he was getting calls from a woman in Holland, I contacted the woman and found out that she had asked him to leave and lent him £12,000, which she never got back. So many things the list really is too long, like many on here I suspect.
Now, like all of you, I am not a stupid woman. I have a degree, (not that it means you’re bright i know lol), have my own business, have been published, and even though from our first date when he said he’d been in the Royal Navy (true) but hinted that he was in special services, (bollocks I think) I kept taking him back, just like tami’s friend.
But – there is a point where something clicks and you are ready, and some of us come to it before others. I still haven’t gone NC but he is not back in my home even though I am getting the tears etc. The latest thing is he is going to kill himself and his mother and sisters are very worrid about him.
Over the years I have been told by him that I am crazy and should see someone, all the usual things. It was actually when the violence and abuse stopped and he got sneaky that he was really to be looked out for. One thing I don’t see mentioned here much but I’m sure it happens to others, is that he almost controlled me with sex.
I think tami you will have to support your friend until she gets that feeling, when she looks at him and she knows, that’s it. Then like nassaugirl said, just tell her, try not to get in to discussions. It’s not worth it, and she could end up like me, fighting him off all over again. By the way, he is 54 so so much for growing out of it. When he was in his 40’s he was taken to court for stalking, and he bugged the girl’s flat although they didn’t know that.
Oh – my favourite thing he comes out with is that I ‘drag the past around with me’ and that we should move on. Anyone else heard that one? lol.
When I first started reading this blog, I thought you had taken my story and printed it here. Then I realized, it wasn’t mine, but a common thread that runs through the lives of those who deal with sociopaths.
The sad thing is, there is a reason that the sociopath is optimistic. They are experts and finding, and taking advantage of, kind, forgiving, and GULLIBLE women. The kind that WANT to believe in someone… WANT to believe the best about someone, instead of the worse.
Two years I gave to my Sociopath, J.R. Two years, and all along I’d find little things that didn’t ring quite right. But instead of believing myself, I chose to believe in him. While I was having my nervous break down over the one girlfriend he had 3000 miles away in Florida, he watched me closely to make sure I didn’t catch onto the three other women he was sleeping with right under my nose, both in the club we belonged to and at our work place.
One of the most painful things about the experience that I still have to deal with is the fact that all the people who used to be my friends, are just like I USED to be… kind, gullible, and want to believe in GOOD not the bad in someone. Because of that trait, they believe HIM, and his lies. He has told them that we were just friends. and that we were not intimate at all. I had half of one closet in his house for MY CLOTHES, because I spent close to a third of my life and nights with him. Yet every one would rather believe that I imagined the abuse since after all I had a nervous break down, than to believe this person they have known for years is the lowest kind of scum the earth has ever known.
He knows that people will believe what they want. That’s why he likes to hang around jobs, and groups where people expect the best of others…. He doesn’t give it to them, but he knows if he doesn’t confess to his sins, they will forget, and believe the best of him. Because those around him refuse to believe me, or his ex-wife, they have created a breading ground where he can hunt for his next victim in peace. His “GIRLFRIEND” he was sleeping with while we were a couple, while he had a mistress/girlfriend in florida, and while he had at least three other woman at my work he was sleeping with on and off. All the people I used to call my friends, do not want to HEAR the truth. They want to believe that he cares for the ONE that they actually know about. They don’t want to believe that he is using her like he has used every other woman including his highschool sweet heart.
They want to believe it was Cori’s fault, or my fault, or the Florida woman’s fault. To think that the one person he is with now, is being victimized as they stand by and watch, is beyond their comprehension. And at work where he does much of his HUNTING, I have been threatened with being fired if I tell ANY ONE the truth of how dangerous he is. He caught the “gift that keeps on giving” from the Florida Girlfriend, by her own admittance, and yet when his ex-wife had to have her insides cut out because of the desease he in turn gave to her, he blamed HER for it… and swore he didn’t have herpies.
Even when he broke out with it just before we broke up, he swore he didn’t have any STD’s! After all, why would he feel guilty about giving women a disease that could potentially kill them, when he ruins life after life without blinking an eye.
all of this he does right under the noses of those who WANT to believe the best of him, and thus they actually add to his level of danger. I actually interviewed all of my friends at work before I got involved with him… all who said how loving and kind he was, and what a monster his ex was. Well, I guess we’d all turn into a little bit of a monster if we found out our husband’s had started chasing his mistress a week after our wedding! But kind people don’t want to hear it… Christians, Mason’s, those who spend their lives serving others do not want to HEAR that the person working along side them is there just for fresh meat to feed on. No, it’s easier to believe the lie.
And so, the innocent, and gullible are pulled into a world they didn’t really believe was real. The world where the one person you trust the most in the world, is the one person who is most likely to cause your death.
Sociopaths are optimists, because they know how to find people who WANT to believe their lies.
notagain.
So true, ‘don’t confuse pity or guilt with love.’
NEWSTARTGIRL,
Yes, I heard that too. that I drag the past on. how can you not, when they keep repeating the same behaviors from the past?
Nassaugirl, my Sociopath, “Jeff”, would get mad at me when I’d say anything that let others know we were together. He’d say I talked too much and that he was a gentleman and it was no one’s business that we slept together, and I’d say… “But I’m proud of you!” What I didn’t know was that he was telling my boss, my friends, his mother, his brother, and the other women that he was sleeping with right under my nose, that we were JUST FRIENDS, and that them knowing we were intimate would not only ruin the three LOCAL affairs, but could end his long term long distance affair. Oh, lets not forget, might cause problems at work since he uses his job and his position as lead worker, to manipulate women into his bed on the tax payers nickle!.
notagain, you are right, how can we NOT bring the past up, when it has so totally ruined our future!
When I was foolish enough to trust my sociopath “Jeff”, I was happily married. I was the queen of the world, and had no plans of ever leaving my husband. I was simply trying to find out more about him to see if he was worth setting up with my girlfriend. Then came all the mind control and lies…. the planting of seeds of discontent that ultimately ended a very HAPPY marriage.
Sociopaths can smell someone vulnerable, and when they can’t smell it, they know what seeds to plant to make sure they have fertile ground for their head games in the future.
I lost my husband. I lost a life where I was so happy, I woke up every day excited to be alive. I lost my lifetime hobby of showing horses. My ex husband remarried someone who was almost a stranger just a few months on the rebound. I lost my retirement plan. And I lost about $100,000 of equity in my home.
The most important thing I lost was not financial though. I lost my faith in man, and even myself. I lost my faith in God… I no longer believe in a creator who actually cares about me or any one else in this world. I lost my hope and my dreams… my dream now is to make it till tomorrow, and not be too disappointed about it.
I used to love my life, love my husband, and love the future I saw inside my head. Now I like my fiance but don’t really believe in love. I hate my life. And as for the future???? I try not to think about it any more, because the picture I see in my head isn’t worth sticking around for.
Bitter? That’s what I’ve been called by some. I didn’t just lose 2 yrs of my life, I lost myself. I will believe there is a god when all sociopath’s who hobby is ruining others lives, simultaneously die of some painful and horrible disease. Until then, I may very well believe there is SOME sort of god, but he doesn’t give a rip for me or any of the other victims of these men/women.
tami:
I’m assuming you’re the former “tami newman” poster. I think it’s incredibly generous of you to actually entertain the LF blogger known as “biddy”‘s questions. Lord knows, she needs somebody who understands. However, I can’t help but comment on the craziness of your situation with her — that the S’s current wife is reaching out to the S’s former wife and trying to convince the former that the S really is “trying” to change. Doesn’t that whole situation just speak volumes about the crazy-making behavior of an S?
Yep, Matt, that’s me. It had been so long since I posted that I had to re-register…forgot my login info! LOL!
Yes, it IS quite crazy. She says she writes me because I’m “the only one who understands” yet she just doesn’t get it. She has finally concluded that he is probably a sociopath but he has her convinced that she can change him by giving him her unconditional love. I’m old enough to be her mother and any feelings I had for him died when he took his mask off and I realized that the 8 years I spent with him weren’t REAL. I might as well have been in love with Mickey Mouse! I also knew the girl before my husband started having an affair with her. I’ve never blamed her…she just got targeted when he realized that I was too close to seeing him for what he really was and had given him the ultimatum that if one more questionable incident occured, he’d have to go. She’s young and very vulnerable. Maybe one day she’ll get it and hopefully it will be while she’s still young enough to pick up the pieces and move on. I’m very happily remarried but my heart goes out to anyone involved with a sociopath–especially the woman who ended up with the one I once called mine! I’m try to be a very understanding and compassionate person. I have no hard feelings toward her…I pity her.
tami:
I seem to recall that you live in a more rural area. I saw a bumper sticker that would be most appropriate in your case:
“I still miss my ex…But my aim is getting better.”
Matt, don’t be so surprised. I am friends with my ex Sociopaths Ex wife, and at least on civil terms with his ex mistress in Florida. I have thought about making us a FORMAL group called, “sisters of misery!” However, the two of them will never talk to each other.
We were all lied to, we were all used, and he has slandered each one of us to the other at some point. Still, even knowing that he’s just a spider, and doesn’t care for any one, just catches anyone, and every one he can in his web.
STILL get into this weird competition thing at times. It is really sad for two women who were lied to at the same time about the OTHER woman would feel the need to compete with WHO he actually cared for more, even AFTER they realize there were a half dozen OTHER women on top of the one they knew about! It’s just sad, but that’s what sociopaths do to your head. Get you totally screwed up!
His ex tried to warn me… she knew he was a carrier… she knew he still had the Florida girlfriend… and I defended him no matter what. In the middle of a crowd of people, I told her that we would just have to agree to disagree, because I believed him, and believed IN HIM… His own mother warned me. But he had been very careful to brain wash me to make sure I would not falter when I met someone who would tell me the truth.
The only thing that his current wife will understand is when she walks in, and catches him red handed with someone… possibly multiple times, with an excuse for every one. Once you have totally given yourself to believe in someone, you don’t want to even believe your own eyes.
His ex wife is kind, that is all. Cori has finally broken free from the anger from her ex. He can’t hurt her any more, even though she went under the knife because of his womanizing and promiscuity. She still belongs to an organization where she sees this man who almost KILLED HER, on a regular basis. She tried to warn me, and I didn’t appreciate it, nor will any of the women she may warn in the future.
Just like I could lose my job when I get stuck moving back into the office where he works if I tell ANY ONE that he uses his position to rack up notches on his belt… or even that he is a lifetime carrier of an STD! According to them, I am the problem, not him, since he keeps his GAME PLAYING with others lives hidden in the shadows. On the other hand I would be making an unhealthy work place for all those poor little woman who would be frightened if they found out he was a sociopath!
The only think I learned in those two years was, “Life sucks, and then you die.”