We’ve discussed many of the sociopath’s traits, such as his missing empathy and compassion; his tendency to remorseless interpersonal exploitation; and proclivity to audacious acts of lying, deception and sundry other violating behaviors.
Now, I’m tempted to add to the mix what I call the sociopath’s tendency to “irrational optimism.”
By “irrational optimism,” I mean the sociopath’s irrationally optimistic belief, if not conviction, that he’ll either evade or, somehow, otherwise prevail over, the real, probable consequences of his actions.
Consider this brief, hypothetical interaction between a sociopath and his partner, who learns with certainty that he, the sociopath, has been cheating on her with three different women simultaneously:
Partner: How could you do that?
Sociopath: Do what?
Partner: Sleep with three different women behind my back. Are you f*cking demented?
Sociopath: First of all, that’s abusive. So stop right there and don’t abuse me. Second, I didn’t sleep with f*cking anybody. Not that I haven’t been tempted, given how lame our sex life is.
Partner: Why are you lying? I know who these women are, and I can prove you’ve been sleeping with them. Do you think I’m that f*cking stupid?
Sociopath: Let me ask you something. Why the hell would I sleep with three women and risk getting some f*cking STD? Think about it. You know me”¦or maybe you don’t? Does that make any sense?
The sociopath here is (or was) irrationally optimistic on two levels—first, that he’d be able to perpetrate this caper, undetected, indefinitely; and second that, once busted (as, now, he is) he’ll be able to squirm his way out of accountability.
We could address many aspects of this interaction, but I’d like to emphasize his last argument: “Let me ask you something. Why the hell would I sleep with three women and risk getting some f*cking STD? Think about it. You know me”¦or do you? Does that make any sense?”
This argument captures, I think, the sociopath’s “irrational optimism” beautifully. In offering the glibly insulting invitation to “think about it,” he makes a spectacle of his audacity and contempt: he really expects, and believes his partner should, accept his invitation [to think about it].
But even more than expecting her to “think about it,” which is outrageous enough, he expects her, in his irrational optimism, actually to be persuaded by his argument. In his irrational optimism, he is hopeful, if not confident, that she’ll choose to disbelieve the evidence she holds indisputably in her hands in favor of accepting his insulting logic.
How classically sociopathic is this?
More importantly, what contributes to the sociopath’s irrational optimism?
We might begin with his malignant sense of entitlement—that is, the sociopath’s belief that he is entitled to obtain the gratifications he wants. One of the most dangerous aspects of the attitude of entitlement is how it renders impotent—denudes of power—rule, limits and laws.
When you feel entitled to something, if it’s not accomodatingly forthcoming, you feel entitled to take it. You’ve laid, in your entitlement, a kind of psychic possession of what it is you want, so that now it becomes, in your mind, yours—specifically, your right to have.
And so if someone (or something) obstructs your seizing what now, in your mind, is your right to possess, then you are free to take it—to take, in fact, whatever is yours—by any means necessary.
Conferring this entitled status upon oneself encourages the irrationally optimistic view that, one way or another, accomodation looms”¦it must!
Closely related to this is the sociopath’s grandiosity: he believes he can and should succeed at his high-wire machinations because he’s that good, that clever and—it can’t be stressed enough—that entitled.
His grandiosity may take the form of thoughts like, “Sure, normal guys couldn’t pull this shit off, but I’m not your normal guy.”
And so, when you feel like you can do things that others can’t—especially things unsupported by “reality—”this is grandiosity. And grandiosity feeds, I believe, very directly, the sociopath’s tendency to irrational optimism.
Then there is the sociopath’s contempt, so inseparable from his grandiosity. As we discussed, the sociopath, in the example above, expects his insulting argument to succeed, either because he’s convinced he’s smart, clever and persuasive enough to be found so convincing, or else he’s convinced that his partner is dumb, naïve and/or desperate enough to believe him. (Or both!)
As a consequence, the sociopath’s contempt leaves him at constant risk of underestimating others, and overestimating himself. In his irrational optimism, fed by his contempt, he fails to appreciate how close he is always is—perhaps just one more reckless risk away—from being busted.
What else feeds the sociopath’s irrational optimism? How about his stupidity?
This may sound provocative, but let me explain. I suggest that blind faith supports a perspective of irrational optimism, and the sociopath operates with a kind of blind faith. That is, he operates in the blind faith that, somehow or other, he’ll escape accountability for his latest transgression.
Where does his blind faith come from? Two good sources, I’d suggest, are his grandiosity and arrogance—they blind him, I contend, to certain realities, effectively making him stupid on some level.
And his stupidity reinforces his irrational optimism.
Quite obviously, I’m not talking I.Q. stupidity, but rather judgement-level stupidity. The sociopath’s personality pathology mars his capacity to make wise, intelligent judgements in many circumstances.
(My use of “he” in this article is a convenience, not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed. This article is copyrighted © 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW).
Yes, I get that is how the STORY method evolved. When I was a little girl, about 8 years old, it occured to me that I could lie to anyone very convincingly if I actually BELIEVED MY STORY. I had to have all the details worked out in my mind, and then it became true to me and everyone else. But at 8 years old, I also realized that ONE slip up. ONE detail that didn’t pan out would make me out into a liar FOREVER in the eyes of society. The p’s either don’t realize this or don’t care. My xP told me that he had checked out whether I had paid my electric bill or not. He said I had not. In FACT I did pay itl So now I have (further) evidence of his lies. FRAME CONTROL can go wrong with just one little slip. btw, his lies FELT VERY REAL. very very real, but the facts were different.
Again, can you give me some idea of how I can add this to my book, “all I’ve ever wanted to know I’ve learned from my sociopath’?
This sociopath never did anything he didn’t like. He was so successful he had millionaires and billionaires giving him money and respect. His “jobs” were playtime. But still he seemed addicted to telling bigger and more audacious lies. He indulged in his need to manipulate. Reality got further and further away from him.
Where is that line? How does a sociopath determine when his soul has been traded away?
what soul?
Goodness! These posts are SO good and right on!
Allow me to back up and finish the Biddy thing first…when I said I felt it was time to let her hit rock bottom…n/c is EXACTLY what I meant! Sorry, if I did not make myself clear. I’m tired of dealing with her and whoever said I couldn’t save her, you are SO correct! For her, there’s just too many dynamics involved. I’ve felt for quite some time that my communicating to her what I KNOW about my ex…her husband…has only served to assist him in improving his S behavior. He’s learned through what I’ve told her what his “weaknesses” were and has worked to perfect them. The LAST thing in the world I want to do is to HELP a S get better at what they do! I’ve planted the seeds in her head, referred her to LF, asked her to do her own research and expressed sincere concern for her wellbeing…that’s all I can do.
The classic behavior of the S will NEVER cease to amaze me. They believe themselves to be SO unique as individuals yet they’re all basically just alike! As I read the last posts of this thread, it took me back again. I can SO relate to everything that is being said. The always having to be the good guy. I, personally, referred to my own S as always appearing to be Mr. Nice Guy and anytime a situation called for what he perceived as “dirty work” although quite justified…he always made ME be the bad one! I later learned that he blamed EVERYTHING on me and used me as an excuse to serve his own purposes. Once, when he asked for a raise in wages, he told the boss that his wife (me) wouldn’t let him work for the wages he was being paid! LOL! Actually, he didn’t want to work to begin with so he was looking for an excuse to quit! He also used to asked me to call the somewhat stubborn members of his band to INSIST that they’d better show up for pratice! My adult stepson from a previous marriage once told me that he liked him but he said there’s something “not right” about him. He pondered his thoughts for a few moments and told me that he knew what it was. When I asked “what?”. He said, “he’s just too damn NICE…nobody is THAT nice!” My stepson had him pegged. Silly me, I just laughed it off and thought “lucky me! I’ve got the nicest husband in the world!”
BEAUTIFUL!!!! I heard how beautiful I was until I wanted to puke! And, no, he NEVER called me by name! It was always by a pet name. I remember that after he told me that he was leaving but yet continued to live at my house for 3 weeks after, he started to call me by my name IMMEDIATELY. And he said it with an icy coldness. He never slipped and called me “honey” or “baby” not even ONCE out of habit. That struck me as SO very odd. I think we all screw up and do that even when we’re going through breakups or divorces just out of sheer habit. But, not HIM!
Isn’t it so weird how they can turn their “sugary sweet love” that someone mentioned into pure hatred in a matter of seconds? But like Matt said about my former S, he was GOOD. Not once, in 8 years, did he slip with the love thing. He kept it up right up to the very instant that he decided he was DONE. I literally woke up one morning to the same old sugary sweet love talk from a man with a sparkle in his eyes who, in a matter of seconds, turned into an ice cold monster with totally dead eyes! It was like someone had flipped a switch off or possibly ON in him! Biddy flippantly says she’s seen that look. LOL! Oh no she HASN’T or she’d be gone! I’m almost 50 years old and I’ve seen a lot of strange things in my lifetime but witnessing his transformation was like a scene from a horror flick!
I really hate to admit it and by no means am I bragging (lol) but I honestly believe that I had one of the best sociopaths walking the face of the earth. I read somewhere that the S uses one of two things to control their victims…LOVE or FEAR. Mine used the total love thing with me. He KNEW the fear factor wouldn’t fly with me because I had told of my experience of being married to a violent alcoholic for nearly 15 years and how I would NEVER allow anyone to abuse me like that again. With Biddy, he goes from one extreme to another. She’s young and mouthy. I wasn’t…I detest arguing. She pushes him until he explodes on her…has flung her to the ground and choked her until she couldn’t breath…also smashed her windshield. He wouldn’t have DARED do any of these things to me simply because he knew that I would then be DONE and he wasn’t yet. She is filled with jealousy and perceives it as love. So, he plays the part well by displaying over dramatic jealous outbursts on her. He tried that a time or two with me and when I protested, that was the end of it because he saw it served no purpose for HIM.
I think for those of you who are still in the early stages of your healing, the BEST thing that you can do is to continue to be an active member of LF and research, research, research BEFORE you even consider entering another relationship. LF and my private counselor was my eye opener. Although I knew there was something terribly bizarre about my ex, I would have never figured out that he was a full blown S on my own. I don’t think as average people that we’re programmed to consider that any person we meet stands to be a sociopath! Our mommas didn’t teach us this and we didn’t learn it in school or in church! The general public seems to associate serial rapists and killers with the word “sociopath”. And, the sociopaths who don’t go that far are often referred to as players, losers, womanizers, ladies’ men, etc. I use the word MEN simply because I am a woman. I know their are women sociopaths amongst us, too.
The Anthony girl, for instance! Yes! I have always believed that she killed her little girl to spite her mother, too. And, I’d like to shake her mother or boink her in the head. Right away, I perceived Casey’s mother to be an extremely controlling woman and I believe that Casey feared her and hated her. I believe that the mother played a huge role in contributing to Casey’s S tendencies. However, I have no pity for Casey…only little Kaylee. I feel the reason Casey’s mother APPEARS to be in total denial when it comes to her daughter is because she KNOWS that she, herself, created a monster! I might even go as far to say that Casey witnessed her own mother giving the grandchild what seemed to be the love and attention that she herself needed as a child. I think the grandmother is every bit as twisted as Casey is! That’s just my honest opinion and the conclusion I reached when following the story. I feel that there is sometimes a genetic link where the S is concerned. I witnessed a lot of S behavior out of my ex’s mother and believe she played a huge role in his becoming one. And, NO, I don’t believe everything is ALWAYS the fault of the mother but in these two cases…YES!
Another thing regarding future relationships. I had to re-adjust myself to being loved by a NORMAL man. After 8 years of perceiving that I was on a pedastal and the most intelligent and beautiful woman in the world, and being showered with affection and sugary love talk, it felt as though the next man (my current husband) didn’t pay enough attention to me nor compliment me enough to REALLY love me! How twisted is that? The S can really mess with our minds. I found myself doubting that he loved me because he wasn’t all over me all the time or constantly feeding me candy. Thank goodness, I got a grip on things and started to observe his actions. He is a wonderful provider and totally responsible. He expresses a genuine concern for my wellbeing. He supports me in my interests as I do him. Everything is about US…and not all about HIM. I feel very fortunate to have escaped the hold of my ex S, and later find my true knight in shining armour. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and if we’re careful and use the knowledge that we learn here on LF, our next relationship will be our greatest reward for the suffering we endured at the hands of the S in our past. I hope that each and everyone of you find the happiness that I have found.
Okay…I’ve rambled on enough here…do I hear snoring? I’ve been having sleeping problems for months now and awake at 3:00 AM every morning so I get a little carried away when the rest of you are most likely still sleeping!
Ok, Sky, so your NOT EC. But you seem to “get off,”-like you get “high’ on playing silly mind games with these people. Its been said before, its like an alcoholic turning up drunk at an AA meeting. For most of us here on this site, NC has to be the only way forward, -the alternative is to be constantly sucked back in to the Ps lives,- their lies, pity parties, con tricks,”gaslighting”, most o ff us KNOW that this will throw us mentally and emotionally off balance, and back we go, on the same old merry -go -round.So, as hard as it is, we KNOW that NC works, and it enables us to have time and space and PEACE to lick our wounds, and to heal from these awful people.Engaging with them, thinking we are “winning” with them, trying to keep tabs on them, its all futile, as they NEVER CHANGE.Newbies to this site are going to be confused by whether or not NC isa GIVEN, and for most of us, it IS.
Why do you want to go on engaging with your P ex, and with this EC,{if in fact he isa troll or a P?Maybe he isnt.} But you seem to know a lot about him . How so?All that mental energy you are using trying to play “one up” with your horrible ex,could be better used in healing yourself, and offering a helping hand up to the poor bewidered and traumatised people on this site. I can hear from your posts that you are very clever and articulate person. But I think your misguided, thats all. And Ill go on giving people kisses, as theyre better than blows! Love, Gem.and {{HUGS}}}
geminigirl, please stop judging me. I have never judged you. Why do you continue to do that to me?
Many people here are in contact with their xP’s in order to protect property or children. Mine left me with loads of debt and I want him to pay it – it’s a matter of survival. I’m not going to court with it or paying any attorneys because he would just hide his assets and become more vindictive. With my new method, I even got him to pay one of the bills he left me with.
Learning about how they think and what to expect is the only way I’ve managed as much as I have. He has stopped demanding money from me and now gives me little bits at a time when I demand it. I’ve learned that showing fear or hostility to the P’s doesn’t work. Those are the emotions that feed them. Instead, I make him feel good about himself and I make him laugh. That calms his hatred of me, stops him from plotting attacks and makes him want to prove how great he is. It’s very difficult to do this since he is in the depths of paranoia, but he has actually paid one bill and agreed to pay another very small one.
I have wondered what he poisoned me with and worried that it might have long term affects on my health. Finding out what he was using was important to me. Although I’m not positive, I think I’m getting closer to the truth. They like to brag and project, so the truth slips out once in a while.
He doesn’t trigger my emotions like your daughter does for you. I see him as so disordered and out of touch with reality, that it would be crazy for me react emotionally to him. He is simply a person that I deal with, like I would a customer, employee, teacher, boss or whatever. The disordered characters are everywhere, each one has to be dealt with a little differently, but fear and attacks are not EVER the most effective ways.
Geminigirl, If you feel that you cannot even look at your daughters facebook page without being triggered then NC is best for you because of your emotional reaction. You don’t need her to give you anything so it’s best for you to not see her. I commend you for that.
I don’t know anything about EC, I was only bantering with him the same as I do with Henry or Star or Kim. He was never rude and never attacked me and I never attacked him.
So you can go on giving people kisses, but I feel like you ARE giving me blows. Please stop.
Nassaugirl,
Yours and mine sound similar.
His last emails were rambling and weird.. and he was always talking about praying for me and love love love.. and when I would bring up reality .. he would say something like I didn’t really understand or I wasn’t looking at it correctly…
or that I have a vivid imagination.. and don’t trust or am negative.. and he just can’t be around negativity..
When all I was doing was pointing out the facts, the truth, the reality…
I was busting his dream bubble..
He was smoke and mirrors… and turned it back onto me..
He was so trying to set me up and I didn’t let him…
YaHA!
SKYLAR
Thank you! I appreciate your response. I can be a bit narsacistic sometime and I often have to check myself because ironically, yes as much as I HATE to admit,….I have alot of his traits!
Maybe that’s why I find myself attracted to people like him. Can you believe, he’s actually the SECOND psychopath I have had a relationship with!
Based on my research, my previous boyfriend was a SECONDARY PSYCHOPATH, and the one I just left is a
CHARISMATIC PSYCHOPATH
CHARISMATIC PSYCHOPATHS — in one word, liars. They are irresistible, charming, believe their own lies, extremely persuasive, talented, and also have the ability to manipulate well. In fact, many leaders of doomsday cults (cults that drive their followers to their deaths, such as the Heaven’s Gate cult) were these types of psychopaths.
SECONDARY PSYCHOPATH, who may feel slight emotions of worry or guilt. These are avid risk-takers, exposing themselves to more stress and danger than the average person, who play by their own rules.
The other two types are:
DISTEMPERED psychopaths, who are the most prone to sudden outbursts of rage, with frenzy and rage resembling an epileptic fit. They have immensely strong sex drives, obsessing with sexual urges during their lives. They have also huge cravings, such as kleptomania or sadistic pedophilia, doing this almost solely for the “rush.”
and
PRIMARY psychopaths, who should be called emotional masochists. They won’t respond to stress, punishment, or disapproval. Another strong trait is that they don’t understand the meaning of words well, a condition called semantic aphasia. They have no life plan and are just breathing machines with no emotion, good or bad.
I know he’s going to see RED when he reads my last email …where I told him to RELAX. I suppose that was pretty stupid, but its done and I won’t do it again…:>)
NASSAGIRL
I think my ex falls into the primary psychopath ggroup. He does not in anyway, respond to stress, disapproval or punishment. He is irrationally optimistic.
He once admittted to observing my actions, to see how long it would take me to pick up a cup i had left on the counter, because he didnt believe that i made enough effort to keep the house clean. HE OBSERVED ME LIKE A SUBJECT IN A LAB.
But he is also charming, persuasive, very smart, too.
What bothered me so much, was that he could me a promise, then break that promise, and say he never said it, then i would get upset and yell at him. He would show no emotion whatsoever, jusy call me defensive and accuse me of attcking him for no good reason. He just accused me of trying to turn him into a patsy, in his last letter.
the only thing I wanted was for him to see….what he was doing to everyone who loved him. ITS USELESS!!! You could talk til you were blue in the face, and he couldntcomprehend.
NOTAGAIN,
I was actually FASINATED when I looked at the different types of sociopath and was able to put both my ex’s in two of the categories.
The one who was a SECONDARY psychopath is TRULY a classic!! He actually comes close to someone with a conscience, but he is TRULY an AVID risk-taker, he often got people to do stuff for him or give him contracts to do jobs that he was ill prepared to handle. … and has squandered thousands of dollars of his own money as well as other people’s money on business ventures and deals that all fell through. And he would never ever learn from his mistakes. He just kept making them over and over again!
He also had a very unrealistic goals. His business is failing, he has no money, but to this day, the guy is almost 50 yrs old, with 6 kids to take care of, the last one is only 5 and he’s still talking about retiring RICH in a few years.
Of course at his age his symptoms would have started to become reduce according to most text books….so he’s not as “distructive” as he used to be.
What I found interesting about him, is that he is EXTREMELY protective of his children and of the people that he “loves”… Everyone else could go to hell!! He deals with his kids like a mother hen, but while he’s doing that he can turn around in the same breath and beat the hell out of someone with a piece of wood if they just looked at him the wrong way. I assume he must see his kids and partners as his POSSESSIONS??
I guess the different types of sociopaths must cross over because I was fasinated when I read that PRIMARY PSYCHOPATHS has a strong trait in that that they don’t understand the meaning of words well, a condition called semantic aphasia. My ex displayed the symptoms of SECONDARY Psychopathy but he used to always ask me the meanings of SIMPLE words, which is a symptom of PRIMARY Psychopaths! I always wondered what the hell was that about……now I know!