We’ve discussed many of the sociopath’s traits, such as his missing empathy and compassion; his tendency to remorseless interpersonal exploitation; and proclivity to audacious acts of lying, deception and sundry other violating behaviors.
Now, I’m tempted to add to the mix what I call the sociopath’s tendency to “irrational optimism.”
By “irrational optimism,” I mean the sociopath’s irrationally optimistic belief, if not conviction, that he’ll either evade or, somehow, otherwise prevail over, the real, probable consequences of his actions.
Consider this brief, hypothetical interaction between a sociopath and his partner, who learns with certainty that he, the sociopath, has been cheating on her with three different women simultaneously:
Partner: How could you do that?
Sociopath: Do what?
Partner: Sleep with three different women behind my back. Are you f*cking demented?
Sociopath: First of all, that’s abusive. So stop right there and don’t abuse me. Second, I didn’t sleep with f*cking anybody. Not that I haven’t been tempted, given how lame our sex life is.
Partner: Why are you lying? I know who these women are, and I can prove you’ve been sleeping with them. Do you think I’m that f*cking stupid?
Sociopath: Let me ask you something. Why the hell would I sleep with three women and risk getting some f*cking STD? Think about it. You know me”¦or maybe you don’t? Does that make any sense?
The sociopath here is (or was) irrationally optimistic on two levels—first, that he’d be able to perpetrate this caper, undetected, indefinitely; and second that, once busted (as, now, he is) he’ll be able to squirm his way out of accountability.
We could address many aspects of this interaction, but I’d like to emphasize his last argument: “Let me ask you something. Why the hell would I sleep with three women and risk getting some f*cking STD? Think about it. You know me”¦or do you? Does that make any sense?”
This argument captures, I think, the sociopath’s “irrational optimism” beautifully. In offering the glibly insulting invitation to “think about it,” he makes a spectacle of his audacity and contempt: he really expects, and believes his partner should, accept his invitation [to think about it].
But even more than expecting her to “think about it,” which is outrageous enough, he expects her, in his irrational optimism, actually to be persuaded by his argument. In his irrational optimism, he is hopeful, if not confident, that she’ll choose to disbelieve the evidence she holds indisputably in her hands in favor of accepting his insulting logic.
How classically sociopathic is this?
More importantly, what contributes to the sociopath’s irrational optimism?
We might begin with his malignant sense of entitlement—that is, the sociopath’s belief that he is entitled to obtain the gratifications he wants. One of the most dangerous aspects of the attitude of entitlement is how it renders impotent—denudes of power—rule, limits and laws.
When you feel entitled to something, if it’s not accomodatingly forthcoming, you feel entitled to take it. You’ve laid, in your entitlement, a kind of psychic possession of what it is you want, so that now it becomes, in your mind, yours—specifically, your right to have.
And so if someone (or something) obstructs your seizing what now, in your mind, is your right to possess, then you are free to take it—to take, in fact, whatever is yours—by any means necessary.
Conferring this entitled status upon oneself encourages the irrationally optimistic view that, one way or another, accomodation looms”¦it must!
Closely related to this is the sociopath’s grandiosity: he believes he can and should succeed at his high-wire machinations because he’s that good, that clever and—it can’t be stressed enough—that entitled.
His grandiosity may take the form of thoughts like, “Sure, normal guys couldn’t pull this shit off, but I’m not your normal guy.”
And so, when you feel like you can do things that others can’t—especially things unsupported by “reality—”this is grandiosity. And grandiosity feeds, I believe, very directly, the sociopath’s tendency to irrational optimism.
Then there is the sociopath’s contempt, so inseparable from his grandiosity. As we discussed, the sociopath, in the example above, expects his insulting argument to succeed, either because he’s convinced he’s smart, clever and persuasive enough to be found so convincing, or else he’s convinced that his partner is dumb, naïve and/or desperate enough to believe him. (Or both!)
As a consequence, the sociopath’s contempt leaves him at constant risk of underestimating others, and overestimating himself. In his irrational optimism, fed by his contempt, he fails to appreciate how close he is always is—perhaps just one more reckless risk away—from being busted.
What else feeds the sociopath’s irrational optimism? How about his stupidity?
This may sound provocative, but let me explain. I suggest that blind faith supports a perspective of irrational optimism, and the sociopath operates with a kind of blind faith. That is, he operates in the blind faith that, somehow or other, he’ll escape accountability for his latest transgression.
Where does his blind faith come from? Two good sources, I’d suggest, are his grandiosity and arrogance—they blind him, I contend, to certain realities, effectively making him stupid on some level.
And his stupidity reinforces his irrational optimism.
Quite obviously, I’m not talking I.Q. stupidity, but rather judgement-level stupidity. The sociopath’s personality pathology mars his capacity to make wise, intelligent judgements in many circumstances.
(My use of “he” in this article is a convenience, not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed. This article is copyrighted © 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW).
Nassaugirl,
Thank you so much for the links. I’d like to point out that there is much disagreement in the mental health field about identifying and defining a sociopath. This is unfortunate. Because the professionals don’t agree about these issues, it is extremely difficult to educate the public. And that is one reason why so many people are clueless about this disorder, and why it takes us so long to figure out what we are dealing with when one of these predators plows into our lives. If the professionals can’t figure it out, what are we supposed to do?
Personally, I wouldn’t put much store in the types of sociopaths identified in those links. But, I have been privy to the next book by Dr. Liane Leedom, who I believe has a far better grasp about what sociopaths are all about than some of those other researchers. And, I’ve also heard the stories of more than 1600 victims who have contacted me about the sociopaths in their lives – as well as the stories posted by you and other Lovefraud readers. Quite frankly, there are many researchers who simply don’t get it.
Keensight –
thanks for the mention of the book.
I know this was posted earlier this week, but I’ve just read it now. I couldn’t begin to count the number of times I’ve had conversations like the one outlined in your article. I though I was totally mad. Thank you for a wonderful article. I know today I’m not the insane one.
Conversations with a P: How can you not love me when I know that you do and even your family agrees that for the sake of our child we should be under the same roof. It’s important he grows up with both of us in his life and IF you force me out, then I’ll file for custody and your family will support me in this endeavor. See, it’s really much better if you just come to face the fact that you love me for the sake of that little boy? How could you DO that to him? I remember when you let your love show. Why can’t you do that now? Even your sister says you have problems in this area. No one understands you anymore.
NOTICE he cannot say anything without bringing someone else into the conversation. This was an ongoing problem.
THIS from a man who can’t hold a job, just got out of jail AGAIN, claims all kinds of physical disabilities and has already cost me thousands of dollars.
Ox, I love what you did with Skylar’s. Doesn’t the above sound familiar? I would laugh, but he is just so pathetic.
Have I made a mistake? haven’t seen him for several weeks, but he continues with cards, e-mails, letters, phone messages about how he just wants to SEE me. So I sent him a message saying I was going to a movie tomorrow and if he wants to see me, he can see me there. Is that absolutely idiotic? I’m beginning to think it is. . . .
LG, I don’t know your story, but if he’s a P/S/N, yes. You’ve made a mistake. If you think you’ve gotten here by mistake, then it might be okay. But, if you think that the reason you find yourself at LF and identifying with so much you read here, is because He’s really, really one of them, and if your experience with him has always been NO GOOD for you, then, Yes…..You’ve made a mistake. We all do it, have done it, etc. On the average it takes seven break-ups to get it… but why put yourself through it, if you don’t have to? Only you can decide for yourself if and when it’s time to throw in the towel. No matter what you decide, keep coming here and reading. If you decide to give it another go, and it doesn’t work out, come back. We’ll be here. Either way, Good Luck.
Thanks, Kim. . . .I’ve been seeing a counselor who identifies his traits as S, as I have, but I can’t say all my experience with him has been NO GOOD. There has been good — I have begun to realize though that the good came at a price —
I’m struggling. It’s hard to be caught in a web concocted by someone else, and it’s even harder when the primary adhesive is the love that I gave to him. . . again, thanks to all for just being here. This blog actually makes me feel like I”m not losing my mind.
There is so much here that is just endless, when it comes to detailing my ex P.
It has only been about 1 month and a half now, but I am started to feel better and better. Getting my self back. After feeling HOOVERED over, in so many little ways, that built up to make me feel suffocated.
I think my P had my strengths picked out, and it was my strengths he attacked continuously on a psychological level. It was my weaknesses that he used, to keep getting his foot back in the door, when I left him. AND it did take a minimum of leaving him of SEVEN times.
WOW, that does boggle my mind! Thats about the same amount of time that it takes to get out of a domestic violence relationship. I wonder what percentage of batterers are also sociopaths?
But anyway, everyone was mentioning different books. I had read this one excellent book, not really about psychopaths in general, but all criminals and con artist. Its called “THE GIFT OF FEAR” by Gevin de Becker. Excellent book! I would recommend it. It basically teaches you how to not ever ignore those little subtle signals, that tell us, danger is around the corner, in many different context. He teaches that we have been taught out of our instinctual ways of knowing, and thats why you will hear on the news someone saying “I had no idea? He was so quiet and gentle,” after someone has been slayed next door. He teaches that on a subconscious level, we see the inconsistencies, which may be very very subtle, but take into the context of the situation, and the “gut instinct” that something is not quite right, and you may possibly be in danger. The subconscious gut feelings may never be explained in the moment by our logic, but if we stopped to analyze the situation, we may find that we are being conned.
One of my sociology professors said that “one in every twenty people are sociopaths.” WOOAHH!!!! How does this happen?
I also learned that it is the intellectually gifted ones, or charismatic ones, who make it to many positions of leadership, including high places in government, which is scary. (Think Adolph hitler!) I think about all the corruption in our government, and in corporations, wall street, and think about how they get away with some of the things that they do!
So anyway, I am going on, but I have been thinking alot about the WHY’S!
Why does it take so long to get away from the sociopath in the first place? My first thought now, is not because they love you so much, but because they are losing control, when you break it off, and they NEED to win. A normal guy/girl might be upset about a break up, but he will RESPECT your wishes, and not try to get his foot back in the door. Since P’s study people like objects, they know their weaknesses and strengths. They use the weaknesses to break the person down, and do exactly that….work on you, until you take them back.
Mine would give me a week or two, until I wasent too angry anymore, because I was getting myself back together, and then play on my feelings of compassion, or play up how he is now ready to BE WHAT I NEED HIM TO BE. he would say “you make me want to be a better man.” Flattery to say the least, while he was out for the last week partying it up, and blowing all the money he didn’t use for bills here.
He also new that it killed me to see him in bad shape. Sad, broken, despairing…this played on my empathy, and I felt I needed to SAVE him, and show him his worth as a human being.
He would also use exhaustion, by calling all hours of the night, up to probably fifty times in a one night period one time. I USUALLY WOULD TAKE THE PHONE OFF THE HOOK OR CHANGE MY PHONE NUMBER, BUT AFTER READING THE GIFT OF FEAR, HE ADVICED AGAINST THAT. tHE SOCIOPATH WILL JUST COME OVER INSTEAD.
And he did pop up at weird hours sometimes. His sincerety did clash with his behavior though. He once texted me a message that read ” It is now my turn to be mean.” I didn’t know what he meant bby that, but it wasent long after that, that I thought someone was in my back yard, and not an hour later, he showed up on my door step. There had been no cars that pulled in or drove by. I wondered how long he had been out there, in my back yard. I live out in the country in an isolated area, and when he showed up on the door, I have a glass door, he literally looked like a freaking stalker/killer, with his hands in his pocket. he didn’t do anything, and I had sent him home, he just came by and played on my pitty. He hitchhiked out of here, and had been dropped off by someone at some earlier point in time.
But anyway, I know he is not done playing with me, and my emotions, its just a matter of time. It was only a few days ago he was just looking for a hint, that I still love him, e-mailing me to tell me he would come back and make it work in a second, if only I “REALLY MEANT IT.” I basically told him I met someone else who didnt put me through what he did. I didnt really hook up with someone else, but I made a friend who makes me feel good inside. More so than the relationship with him ever did…..so I am going to keep surrounding my self with healthy genuine grounded people. Things had gotten pretty isolated for me the past three years. I also told him, that he basically screwed it up. He accuse me of exaggerating everything, and I realized that he MINIMIZES everything he has done. Including leaving me with out oil, in the middle of winter, while I was pregnant with his baby. He was out partying. He thinks that getting upset about things like this is exaggerating the situation out of context and proportion. 🙁 I should have a 9 month baby right about now…..but I decided I couldn’t have the baby in the conditions I was being left in…..I was getting deathly sick and LOOSING weight, couldn’t eat, or function, from the stress. That is another clue! How they treat you when you are pregnant with their flesh and blood. Well he new I didn’t belive in having abortions for myself, and took full advantage of the fact, that I couldn’t leave him in. Or so he thought. He really thought he had me where I was trapped….and couldn’t leave no matter how he treated me, so he really went to town…he let the mask fall right off. While I was here without heat to keep my home warm, he went out on a binger, coming home drunk, everynight…though he was supposed to be looking for work. When I got upset about that, he just didn’t come home when he was drunk at all. Nice way to celebrate a new child that is supposed to be coming into the world. Hungry, cold and alone. the prick!
And how he got his foot back in the door after that, I’ll never really understand. He forgave me, for having the abortion, and made me out to be the bad guy at the saemt time, again, saying I blew his behavior out of context.
Well, now he is gone! Thank GOd!!!! I am getting my mind back together and my health back, knowing HE IS OUT OF STATE FOR THE WINTER, which is really gicing that needed time for the no PHYSICAL CONTACT. I can see him more clearly in his e-mails, becasue everything he says is in print, and he cant take back a word he said in them, can’t deny them, or what he meant.
In one e-mail he wrote, he both said he could never hurt me, and tore me apart, in the same letter. He ended with, Love Chris. It makes me sick.
The only thing that keeps me even opening his e-mails is the hope that he will have the money he owes me. It was my money to make it throught this winter.
But anyway, I still at the same time, realize that I feel better when i do not have contact with him. I just get angry, everytime he tries to open that door again. Its like a test, to assess where I am at with him, but I am holding my ground. Its just a matter of time, before I give up on even seeing my money. I’m glad he can survive, now that he has made a business out of my money….he says he is going to make every one proud of him….lol. How can he be proud, to take money from a single mother, leave his own two kids without even saying goodbye, and go half way across the country…with the business, THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MINE TOO???
ANYWAY, HAVE A GREAT DAY EVERYONE!!!! i’M GLAD THAT OTHER PEOPLE UNDERSTAND, OR I WOULD HAVE CONTINUED TO FEEL LOST and would have only kept questioning my own sanity.
Donna,
The sociopath thinks you ruined HIS life? Wow. I don’t even know what to say. They may not believe in karma, but it gets them in the end anyway.
Nassaugirl, I don’t know your entire story about your sociopath, but I have dated guys who are 20 years younger. There is definitely an element of immaturity that can make even normal ones behave sociopathically too. Like you, I never dated guys my own age when I was in my 20’s, so I made up for lost time in my 40’s. They are just so immature in their 20’s. If you happen to get one who’s also a sociopath, that’s a double whammy IMO. The sociopath I dated was 10 years younger and very attractive as well. These days I haven’t found anyone my own age (49) who gets my attention. It’s a strange dating realm to be in.
Dear notagain,
You brought up an interesting question when you asked:
I wonder what percentage of batterers are also sociopaths?
Lundy Bancroft, in his book The Batterer: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, sheds some light on your question
and is well worth the read for any of those in a custody fight
or who’ve been raised in a family where the dynamics of domestic violence and abuse were prevalent.
Lundy has guided many women through the legal system’s maze while they were seeking to gain full custody of their children as well as to begin the healing or separation process from their abusive partners.
He has the unique perspective of having assisted these women who were being victimized by their abusive partners
as well as by a legal system that is, at times, indifferent to or
even plays the role of revictimizing these women. His perspective is unique in that he deals with these men in group
settings that are either court mandated or voluntarily come in for counseling to change their abusive ways of interacting.
He’s counseled hundreds of these men and guided distraught
women through the legal process of disentanglement or the possible salvaging of what could be a relationship worth saving, if both partners are willing to understand the roles they play in allowing the cycle of abuse to continue.
Now, as to your question about percentages, I’m sure he provides some statisitics about those who will fail to reunite and those who succeed. The important message that his book
conveys about the link to sociopathy is that these men do NOT
have an ANGER problem. They have a problem with their
THINKING and their sense of ENTITLEMENT to batter their partners verbally, emotionally, psychologically and physically.
How that links to sociopathy is in his DESCRIPTION of how they can drop down into an affectively cold rage in a microsecond, essentially shattering the equilibrium of their partner, leaving her reeling and in terror. It’s a very effective sociopathic stratetgy for gaining and maintaining CONTROL. If that’s not sociopathic, I don’t know what is.
This is highly demonstrable in domestic violence calls where,
by the time the police arrive, he looks like MR. FRIENDLY and
his partner looks certifiable. He can turn it on and off like a light switch. Sound sociopathic to you notagain?
I won’t say more about the book. It is well worth the read.
Having grown up in a home where the cycle of violence took place, I understand the dynamics of it, regrettably, too well.
There’s always a build up period of tension, the explosion of
violence ( take your pick of the type), the relief and calm honeymoon phase, and then the whole nasty cycle starts all over again.
Notagain, you said something troubling to me about your partner showing up unannounced at your rural home that you felt was akin to stalking. Should you ever decide to go completely NC with an ex who is showing signs of stalking, one of the least advisable things you can tell them to dissuade their intrusions is that you’ve found someone new.
The reason for this is that they will go after that person and possibly seek to harm or kill them, justifiying it by saying that
THAT person is the reason their partner no longer wants them.
As an illustration of this, there was a very high profile cold case that was solved in the news recently of a female police
officer who killed her ex-lover’s new wife out of rage that he left her and married the other woman. The dead wife’s parents
pointed the finger at her for years, but the police refused to
reopen the case. Thanks to the DNA evidence collected at the time of the crime and the persistence of those who wanted justice to be done, the case was solved. None of her colleagues wanted to believe she was capable of such a horrendous crime. Her outer persona was the polar opposite
of what she actually did.
The other case involving this type of stalking involves that
of the astronaut Lisa Nowak, I believe is her name.
The thing to remember about stalking is that males and females have an equal propensity to engage in this.
Please be careful and have a safety plan in place should you find his activities escalating as you attempt to detach.
Reading on this site and after what I have experinced with men, make me never want to be with one again. Reading on this site has helped me to understand more what occurred with this last man and to put it into some kind of perspective.. but it has also made me so aware of how sick and twisted so many men are. I have high morals and standards and would never give money to a man nor would I even go out with someone that I knew did drugs etc.. So for me, I can’t imagine there will ever be a man worthy of me. This last one was ‘spiritual’ and appeared a ‘good’ man and while he didn’t do drugs, drink or cheat.. he was had little resources and had tons of responsiblities that he wanted me to jump right in and help with. And when I didn’t and told him that I wasn’t interested in doing so,, he turned on me.. while when I first met him, I told him over and over that I didn’t want to get married and I sure didn’t want to play mother to kids.. He thought that he could coerced me. Mine was a charismatic, manipulating, holier than thou type but compared to most that I have read about on here… he was not that bad.. and from me and my behavior he knew that I was not that malleable. I have standards that I will not lower for anyone. I consdier myself a class act and a prize for a man to be with. And if they don’t treat me that way, I am gone. And this man did treat me well on certian levels.. but I did not have trust for him.. and I would never comingle my property with a man ever .. I had a bad marriage that taught me that. So, I expect to be alone.. and just date occasionally… I don’t even meet met that I think at worthy of a kiss…
And he told me that I almost destroyed his family.. which makes no sense.. I only met one of them and she was an emotional basket case and made me know that I REALLY didn’t wnat to engage with these people. I think that they just try to blame so that they don’t have the responsibilty of their own miserable life. As they go about looking for their next victim and blaming whomever that they left..
With this going on .. how can there be a healthy man out in the world… looking and available for real love in a relationship.. there just isn’t..