We’ve discussed many of the sociopath’s traits, such as his missing empathy and compassion; his tendency to remorseless interpersonal exploitation; and proclivity to audacious acts of lying, deception and sundry other violating behaviors.
Now, I’m tempted to add to the mix what I call the sociopath’s tendency to “irrational optimism.”
By “irrational optimism,” I mean the sociopath’s irrationally optimistic belief, if not conviction, that he’ll either evade or, somehow, otherwise prevail over, the real, probable consequences of his actions.
Consider this brief, hypothetical interaction between a sociopath and his partner, who learns with certainty that he, the sociopath, has been cheating on her with three different women simultaneously:
Partner: How could you do that?
Sociopath: Do what?
Partner: Sleep with three different women behind my back. Are you f*cking demented?
Sociopath: First of all, that’s abusive. So stop right there and don’t abuse me. Second, I didn’t sleep with f*cking anybody. Not that I haven’t been tempted, given how lame our sex life is.
Partner: Why are you lying? I know who these women are, and I can prove you’ve been sleeping with them. Do you think I’m that f*cking stupid?
Sociopath: Let me ask you something. Why the hell would I sleep with three women and risk getting some f*cking STD? Think about it. You know me”¦or maybe you don’t? Does that make any sense?
The sociopath here is (or was) irrationally optimistic on two levels—first, that he’d be able to perpetrate this caper, undetected, indefinitely; and second that, once busted (as, now, he is) he’ll be able to squirm his way out of accountability.
We could address many aspects of this interaction, but I’d like to emphasize his last argument: “Let me ask you something. Why the hell would I sleep with three women and risk getting some f*cking STD? Think about it. You know me”¦or do you? Does that make any sense?”
This argument captures, I think, the sociopath’s “irrational optimism” beautifully. In offering the glibly insulting invitation to “think about it,” he makes a spectacle of his audacity and contempt: he really expects, and believes his partner should, accept his invitation [to think about it].
But even more than expecting her to “think about it,” which is outrageous enough, he expects her, in his irrational optimism, actually to be persuaded by his argument. In his irrational optimism, he is hopeful, if not confident, that she’ll choose to disbelieve the evidence she holds indisputably in her hands in favor of accepting his insulting logic.
How classically sociopathic is this?
More importantly, what contributes to the sociopath’s irrational optimism?
We might begin with his malignant sense of entitlement—that is, the sociopath’s belief that he is entitled to obtain the gratifications he wants. One of the most dangerous aspects of the attitude of entitlement is how it renders impotent—denudes of power—rule, limits and laws.
When you feel entitled to something, if it’s not accomodatingly forthcoming, you feel entitled to take it. You’ve laid, in your entitlement, a kind of psychic possession of what it is you want, so that now it becomes, in your mind, yours—specifically, your right to have.
And so if someone (or something) obstructs your seizing what now, in your mind, is your right to possess, then you are free to take it—to take, in fact, whatever is yours—by any means necessary.
Conferring this entitled status upon oneself encourages the irrationally optimistic view that, one way or another, accomodation looms”¦it must!
Closely related to this is the sociopath’s grandiosity: he believes he can and should succeed at his high-wire machinations because he’s that good, that clever and—it can’t be stressed enough—that entitled.
His grandiosity may take the form of thoughts like, “Sure, normal guys couldn’t pull this shit off, but I’m not your normal guy.”
And so, when you feel like you can do things that others can’t—especially things unsupported by “reality—”this is grandiosity. And grandiosity feeds, I believe, very directly, the sociopath’s tendency to irrational optimism.
Then there is the sociopath’s contempt, so inseparable from his grandiosity. As we discussed, the sociopath, in the example above, expects his insulting argument to succeed, either because he’s convinced he’s smart, clever and persuasive enough to be found so convincing, or else he’s convinced that his partner is dumb, naïve and/or desperate enough to believe him. (Or both!)
As a consequence, the sociopath’s contempt leaves him at constant risk of underestimating others, and overestimating himself. In his irrational optimism, fed by his contempt, he fails to appreciate how close he is always is—perhaps just one more reckless risk away—from being busted.
What else feeds the sociopath’s irrational optimism? How about his stupidity?
This may sound provocative, but let me explain. I suggest that blind faith supports a perspective of irrational optimism, and the sociopath operates with a kind of blind faith. That is, he operates in the blind faith that, somehow or other, he’ll escape accountability for his latest transgression.
Where does his blind faith come from? Two good sources, I’d suggest, are his grandiosity and arrogance—they blind him, I contend, to certain realities, effectively making him stupid on some level.
And his stupidity reinforces his irrational optimism.
Quite obviously, I’m not talking I.Q. stupidity, but rather judgement-level stupidity. The sociopath’s personality pathology mars his capacity to make wise, intelligent judgements in many circumstances.
(My use of “he” in this article is a convenience, not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed. This article is copyrighted © 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW).
It’s Important to Remember that some people are Just @.......$$ Holes!
How many Heterosexual – Promiscuous people ever Think about their HIV/aids Status? That is what makes it Ironic! Anyone who has Sex is at risk! HIV does not discriminate!
I know the psyco I was exposed to would have and could have ! He even said so with His forked tonge! For him It would be like a Business card!
Keensight,
OxDrover was referring to the case of Philippe Padeau, which you can read here:
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/09/28/disturbing-cases-of-atypical-abusers/
Padeau also appeared to be an upstanding individual, but he was HIV positive, knew he was HIV positive, and purposely slept with as many women as he could, infecting at least 6 of them – maybe more. He was convicted and sentenced to 45 years in jail. This guy, at least, was certainly a predator.
7steptoheaven: Thanks for sharing your story. Some of them ARE very good at being deceptive. Like you, I now listen to my body. My body was shouting at me and I was not listening.
Good for you getting out so soon! You sound very together to me. It can happen to anyone. But again, congrats on getting out as soon as the veneer dropped. I think you did not let yourself get wrapped up in a dream that you were unwilling to let go of. Good! I think my problem with getting out sooner was it took a lot of veneer dropping for me to let go of the dream of what I thought could be and who I thought he was. And because of my upbringing, it takes a lot for me to give up hope of a person changing. Or I should say it USED to take a lot. Not anymore. You are right, we have to be vigilant..
My opinion is that under stress, a pathetic humanoid robot CAN become murderous. All the more reason to avoid them.
Thanks again for your post.
Justabouthealed,
I think that this is a very valid point that you made.
You said:
My opinion is that under stress, a pathetic humanoid robot CAN become murderous. All the more reason to avoid them.
Many times those of us that live and have loved those with this disorder, we think we can predict what they are going to do. And I believe very often that we can.
Because in many areas they are VERY predictable.
But I think that sometimes we forget that just like any other human being. Every one has a breaking point.
When you are dealing with a person W/O conscience, or empathy, it is important to remember that this can lead to a very dangerous situation.
Henry – Everything you said about having to sit or step back and take stock of your life after your involvement with the disordered, exploitive guy applied to myself in the experience I went through as well. The worst part about it for me was the fact that I could say nothing to anyone about it, not just because of the embarrassment and humiliation, but because of the ramifications it involved for other innocent people besides myself that stood to be hurt by that knowledge.
As far as making my opinions known about the friends I’ve lost to AIDS, normally I wouldn’t go there, as it’s a very private and painful loss. One particular friend came to mind when reading Miss Drover’s post that followed mine though. He was very brave and fought the illness with a dignity and grace that went well beyond that which you might expect from someone only twenty eight years old facing a terminal illness. This was early on in the genesis of HIV knowledge and treatment, with few meds and a great deal more stigmatization than exists today.
I spoke up in honor of his fight to live, his bravery while doing so, and for all those who have or will come to know its touch personally or through someone they like or love.
We need to be very careful about making blanket judgments about others when we have absolutely no experience personally of what it is that we are expressing our opinions about. The saying about walking a mile in another’s shoes comes to mind in this instance. I tried to express that in as gentle and respectful a way as I could. I may have failed in that, however, it’s always useful to remind others as Easy so succinctly did following my post, that the virus doesn’t discriminate and that it’s crucial for straight and gay people alike to remain aware of the ramifications of unprotected sex, because not knowing who does or doesn’t have it places partners at risk for it.
It’s very important to remind people of the fact that stigmatization about being gay is alive and well today. There are many men out there who live straight lives out of fear of losing their families and livelihoods and will take chances on their own as well their partner’s health and safety. There are truly straight men out there who are very promiscuous, taking chances with their own and their spouses lives. The same applies to women who are unfaithful partners as well. It’s just too dangerous to make blanket judgments about this and to equate a lack of knowledge and plain reckless behavior with those who are knowingly being predacious.
The essential thing that AIDS brought, and hopefully will teach, is that we all need to be responsible for our own health when being sexually intimate and that by demonstrating the capacity to talk about our sexual health honestly with our partners, we are demonstrating our ability to be intimate both emotionally and in our capacity to demonstrate our utmost regard for our partners’ well being.
7stepstoheaven – Thank you for sharing your story. You brought up some incredibly important things to keep in mind when meeting and getting to know someone new. One of the most important things that you shared is that when someone new behaves in a starkly confusing way, the best thing to do is a reality check and ASK them just “what the hell they meant by that” maybe not in those precise words!
Many people are too reluctant to just call people on their bullshit when first getting to know them, not wanting to appear too forthright, thinking that it casts them in a negative light. Your spirit is the kind that every Love Fraud reader can take a positive example from. Diplomatic inquisitiveness with regard to someone’s apparently confusing behavior is like sprinkling Holy Water on a vampire.
If asking for verification about something you just observed happening that appears weird is met with anger and disdain, chances are you are probably onto something you don’t want to brush aside. It gets tricky when suggesting to others how they should proceed.
What I learned from my initial experience with this and over time is to trust my gut. It’s a good barometer of my own internal climate in situations like that. It’s at that point that healthy self regard has to override any nagging concerns you may have about blowing an opportunity to be with Mr./Miss Perfect. As a litmus test of another’s true intentions, being able to communicate back to you in response to your need for a reality check should be no big deal. If it is”well, you haven’t lost anything and you’ve learned a great deal early on about what you are getting into.
Many people don’t have a baseline like you did to compare what appears confusing to you with, say, an example of what’s healthy, as opposed to what’s not. When someone stays with you through the hard times and stays loyal, when they can communicate with you honestly and want to give back as much as they are getting and are really trying to do so”you know. You don’t forget people like that and you appreciate how they’ve touched your life in wonderful ways when confronted by the bullshitters that have no ability to go there, let alone desire to do so.
Honesty with one’s self comes first. It affords the ability to be honest with others. Emotional awareness and depth arise out of self awareness, making that honesty something one can express to another more naturally.
We were handed a box of crayola crayons as kindergartners and taught what the primary colors are at school. We learned the names of the colors and how to color within the lines in our coloring books at school.
Then, many of us went home, and were taught implicitly and explicitly, that identifying and naming our primary emotions is unacceptable and that expressing them is even more sinful ,unacceptable and shameful.
Is it any wonder so many of us are blindsided by those who know how to recognize this deficiency in us and capitalize on it at our expense?
7stepstoheaven, thank you for sharing your story. You are truly a beautiful and self aware person. You’re story provided me with insight and verification about my own situation. I’d venture to say others have a great deal to learn from it as well.
Donna – Thanks for the clarification about what Miss Drover
meant in her post. I agree, at the very least, HE, is a predator.
This wonderful site is on the internet as well and it isn’t a
“cesspool” as she characterized it.
Many people can’t go to bars, don’t drink and aren’t interested
in wasting time in such places looking for a partner.
Psychopaths are everywhere. Knowledge and caution are essential as 7stepsheaven’s attests.
I appreciate your clarification.
Alert!! Thursday Nov 19 at 8:00 central on the Lifetime Network is a based on a real life story of a sociopath. It is called EVERYTHING THAT SHE ALWAYS WANTED… It is excellent. I watched it this weekend and it showed me so much about how they behave and helped me understand and recognize the man that I left a year ago..If you all are able watch it.
Dear Keen inisght,First let me say, I in no way intended to offend you with my rabid opinion of the dangers of internet dating. Or to indicate that there are not many people who have HIV without knowing it.
I AM rabidly against people who harm others knowingly. Philippe (I shoud have put his name in there as I should have known that not everyone read that story or saw it on TV–and I did over state the number of people he for sure infected)
There are so many Ps on the internet dating sites. I read one statistic that said that 40% of the males are married—the internet is a great place for a con wo/man to find victims.
My own son married a cyber-bride who ultimately tried to kill him (she went to jail for 8 months) so I am a bit paranoid about initernet dating. That plus the 100s of stories of people I actually know + the news of more women (primarily women) who are scammed by interenet daters—many women of LF have met their P on the internet as well.
Having what is portrayed as “exclusive” sex with someone and being deceptive about it is like sexual roulette and puts people’s lives at risk. People who cheat on their spouse or other partner and then bring home diseases particularly make me rabid! And, yes, I am an opinionated old bat, but not one who condemns anyone on a moral basis, just on a basis of DECEPTION in a situation that can cost someone their health and their life.
I used to teach serx ed to college kids in my role as the director of student health at a libral arts college. One of the lines I used to get their attention was “What do you call people who use condoms as birth control?” The answer is of course, PARENTS! Condoms don’t protect against pregnancy very well, and they protect against STDS even less well, as there are some diseases they don’t protect against at all.
I appreciate Donna clarifying the man I was talking about, and I hope you read the article about this monster, that thankfully has been taken off the street, adn the courageous women who did it.
I would have posted this yesterday but was having server problems here and couldn’t get backk on the blog.
Dear Miss Drover – Thanks for your clarification about your intent not to offend with “your rabid opinion of the dangers of internet dating” and for restating what you meant about being rabidly against people who harm others. I know your intent is well meant. There is something to be said about raising the level of discourse to what is civil though.
I took the time to address your post because of your appropriation of the word “exclusive” from the post I made just prior to yours in which you are addressing 7stepstoheaven, to drive home your point about predators and how women need to be careful. I got the impression and the twinge in my gut, that again, you were speaking only to the female members of this site’s following.
Everyday, women and men alike, make disastrous decisions regarding involvements with others with little understanding of just what they are getting into. This site is a wonderful resource for those who have already gone through the tempest and are attempting to put their lives back together again. My perception of your place on this site is that of a group leader. You have an immense amount knowledge to convey that is helpful to the site’s following.
I just wonder, though, if you realize the impact your attitude about men is conveying to the hurt women who are listening to you. The good thing that you are doing is acknowledging and validating their pain, which is immensely helpful, especially in light of your own vast personal experience. They know it’s coming from an authentic place, however, going overboard into bashing men and encouraging your own attitudes of suspicion about them to the point the way forward, is an impediment to any future, healthy relationship with a man who isn’t a predator. Do you realize that you come across this way?
As a man reading the commentary on the site, I have at times felt the hostility after I made a post and even remember one that stated something about not having the qualifications to express my understanding of whatever the topic was. Internally, I was taking a step back and saying”ok. If the object of the site is enlightenment about the subject of sociopaths and sharing our experiences about the same, where do attacks like that fit into the picture? If it’s because I’m a man and somehow don’t understand the feelings of deception and betrayal, then I misunderstand what I thought the true mission of the site is, namely those of education and HEALING from the effects of sociopaths, male and female.
If healing is part of the mission of the site, then it implies the ability to move forward to resolution of pain and the ability pick up the thread of trust in others again with a new strand in place as well, that being newly discovered understanding. I’d venture to say many of the people following the articles still have hopes of establishing a healthy and loving relationship someday with a non-predator. All of the rabidity in your posts might be interpreted as an impediment to that as a goal. While being cautious is good, do you really believe
that fomenting and instilling fear and bitterness in people encourages the kind of self awareness and strength it will take to pick up those threads of trust and understanding and start anew with the goal of a healthy, loving relationship in mind?
I wasn’t going to share my story here, but did so to make the point of how men as well as women are affected, and that through some of the personal details within my story, all could see how the effects of the sociopath’s behavior ripple outward and affect everyone close to the target/victim, male and female alike.
You “pounced” on my use of the word “exclusive” in my post and interpreted it to mean SEXUAL EXCLUSIVITY because that is the filter through which YOU are interpreting and viewing. Any of you who go back and read my post will see that while exclusivity does include that aspect, my meaning of it was the one that involved establishing a deeper level of intimacy and the expression of a desire to do so through agreement and sexual exclusivity as well. Later in my post I expressed relief that I didn’t allow myself to get too close sexually. You missed the meaning of exclusivity entirely within the context that I used it. It may mean different things to different people, but to me it means opening the door to a level of getting to know one another that involves SHOWING someone WHO YOU ARE and demonstrating the TRUST in that person to do so safely.
I don’t wish to come across harshly toward you Miss Drover. You serve as a role model for those here who are in a weakened state of being because of what they’ve been put through. Please remain cognizant of the effect that your own personal opinions are having on others.
As to your opinion about condoms and your background as a sex education instructor for college students, I disagree with your statement about them entirely. You are doing a grave disservice to people by stating what you did about the efficacy of condoms. If there is ANY means by which to limit the spread of STDS and HIV as well, condoms are the means. Dissuading the usage of them, by implying that they don’t work so well, is suggestive of the message that it’s just better to abstain from having sex. I think as a woman of sixty some years of age, you should know better than that. That you choose to trumpet your value system to your readers instead of encouraging them to TAKE ANY AND EVERY PRECAUTION available to them is gravely irresponsible. I hope you rethink that view, but I doubt that you will.