We’ve discussed many of the sociopath’s traits, such as his missing empathy and compassion; his tendency to remorseless interpersonal exploitation; and proclivity to audacious acts of lying, deception and sundry other violating behaviors.
Now, I’m tempted to add to the mix what I call the sociopath’s tendency to “irrational optimism.”
By “irrational optimism,” I mean the sociopath’s irrationally optimistic belief, if not conviction, that he’ll either evade or, somehow, otherwise prevail over, the real, probable consequences of his actions.
Consider this brief, hypothetical interaction between a sociopath and his partner, who learns with certainty that he, the sociopath, has been cheating on her with three different women simultaneously:
Partner: How could you do that?
Sociopath: Do what?
Partner: Sleep with three different women behind my back. Are you f*cking demented?
Sociopath: First of all, that’s abusive. So stop right there and don’t abuse me. Second, I didn’t sleep with f*cking anybody. Not that I haven’t been tempted, given how lame our sex life is.
Partner: Why are you lying? I know who these women are, and I can prove you’ve been sleeping with them. Do you think I’m that f*cking stupid?
Sociopath: Let me ask you something. Why the hell would I sleep with three women and risk getting some f*cking STD? Think about it. You know me”¦or maybe you don’t? Does that make any sense?
The sociopath here is (or was) irrationally optimistic on two levels—first, that he’d be able to perpetrate this caper, undetected, indefinitely; and second that, once busted (as, now, he is) he’ll be able to squirm his way out of accountability.
We could address many aspects of this interaction, but I’d like to emphasize his last argument: “Let me ask you something. Why the hell would I sleep with three women and risk getting some f*cking STD? Think about it. You know me”¦or do you? Does that make any sense?”
This argument captures, I think, the sociopath’s “irrational optimism” beautifully. In offering the glibly insulting invitation to “think about it,” he makes a spectacle of his audacity and contempt: he really expects, and believes his partner should, accept his invitation [to think about it].
But even more than expecting her to “think about it,” which is outrageous enough, he expects her, in his irrational optimism, actually to be persuaded by his argument. In his irrational optimism, he is hopeful, if not confident, that she’ll choose to disbelieve the evidence she holds indisputably in her hands in favor of accepting his insulting logic.
How classically sociopathic is this?
More importantly, what contributes to the sociopath’s irrational optimism?
We might begin with his malignant sense of entitlement—that is, the sociopath’s belief that he is entitled to obtain the gratifications he wants. One of the most dangerous aspects of the attitude of entitlement is how it renders impotent—denudes of power—rule, limits and laws.
When you feel entitled to something, if it’s not accomodatingly forthcoming, you feel entitled to take it. You’ve laid, in your entitlement, a kind of psychic possession of what it is you want, so that now it becomes, in your mind, yours—specifically, your right to have.
And so if someone (or something) obstructs your seizing what now, in your mind, is your right to possess, then you are free to take it—to take, in fact, whatever is yours—by any means necessary.
Conferring this entitled status upon oneself encourages the irrationally optimistic view that, one way or another, accomodation looms”¦it must!
Closely related to this is the sociopath’s grandiosity: he believes he can and should succeed at his high-wire machinations because he’s that good, that clever and—it can’t be stressed enough—that entitled.
His grandiosity may take the form of thoughts like, “Sure, normal guys couldn’t pull this shit off, but I’m not your normal guy.”
And so, when you feel like you can do things that others can’t—especially things unsupported by “reality—”this is grandiosity. And grandiosity feeds, I believe, very directly, the sociopath’s tendency to irrational optimism.
Then there is the sociopath’s contempt, so inseparable from his grandiosity. As we discussed, the sociopath, in the example above, expects his insulting argument to succeed, either because he’s convinced he’s smart, clever and persuasive enough to be found so convincing, or else he’s convinced that his partner is dumb, naïve and/or desperate enough to believe him. (Or both!)
As a consequence, the sociopath’s contempt leaves him at constant risk of underestimating others, and overestimating himself. In his irrational optimism, fed by his contempt, he fails to appreciate how close he is always is—perhaps just one more reckless risk away—from being busted.
What else feeds the sociopath’s irrational optimism? How about his stupidity?
This may sound provocative, but let me explain. I suggest that blind faith supports a perspective of irrational optimism, and the sociopath operates with a kind of blind faith. That is, he operates in the blind faith that, somehow or other, he’ll escape accountability for his latest transgression.
Where does his blind faith come from? Two good sources, I’d suggest, are his grandiosity and arrogance—they blind him, I contend, to certain realities, effectively making him stupid on some level.
And his stupidity reinforces his irrational optimism.
Quite obviously, I’m not talking I.Q. stupidity, but rather judgement-level stupidity. The sociopath’s personality pathology mars his capacity to make wise, intelligent judgements in many circumstances.
(My use of “he” in this article is a convenience, not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed. This article is copyrighted © 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW).
Keensight,
I have learned what I have learned the hard way. I was co-dependant and enabling with my first husband, because he was a substance abuser and BOTH of his parents were serious alcoholics. I was only 19 when I met him. We both went to the same college. He was a good student who graduated before I did and was planning to be a teacher. I thought that was admirable, but something happened during his student teaching
that derailed him – I will never know what. He became very passive and stopped trying. I kept trying to fix a situation that was not fixable, to the point that probably ruined my health.
Your crayon analogy absolutely desribes me –
“Then, many of us went home, and were taught implicitly and
explicitly, that identifying and naming our primary emotions is
unacceptable and that expressing them is even more sinful,
unacceptable and shameful.”
Growing up, if I ever asked for anything I would get rage and
helplessness from my mother, especially after my father died (when I was seven) and she was widowed with three small children. I now have a pretty good relationship with her, which was not possible until she opened up and told me her life experiences, and I was able to come to terms with understanding her behavior. I hold her responsible for her
behavior, but I also have compassion for what she went through with my father’s physical abuse. We both have put those things in the past and
she still has her faults (as do I!), but I know she will be HONEST and understanding with me, which means a lot!
At quite a few times in my marriage there were strange situations that I called him on, but I was so emotionally enmeshed with him I could not let him go. People now ask me “Why did you put up with that lazy-ass surfer who wouldn’t support himself!” and I realized that an emotionally healthy person would have said ENOUGH a whole lot sooner in the relationship. I just felt a whole lot of shame and abandonment
and felt I did not deserve any better. I truly felt that I could not
exist without this person! Now I know better!
After I left him I had a physical and emotional breakdown. We went to bankruptcy court on my 30th birthday! I kept seeing him after I left him because I needed the physical and emotional fix. Then a whole series of health problems led to having to quit my job and moving back in with my mother. I hit the bottom so hard I did not even bounce! It was then that I read the book “Adult Children of Alcoholics,” which not only described him, the underachiever, but also described me, the
perfectionist overachiever. I later joined an ACOA group in town that was so helpful to me and I gained so much understanding from – it was truly there that I started the journey to healing.
Keensight – I have observed (and experienced) this to be true!
——————————-
“Diplomatic inquisitiveness with regard to someone’s apparently
confusing behavior is like sprinkling Holy Water on a vampire.
——————————-
When I started to get better, I had a 3-month relationship with a narcissistic sociopath who went into spectacular rages – he asked me to go to court and testify in his favor about a speeding ticket he got when we were both in the car. I said “I am not going to court and lying for you!” and it was then that he got very scary, but that was not enough for me to quit this relationship. When it graduated to physical abuse I left. I knew that my father had been physically abusive to my mother, and I would never put up with that.
I would go on to have another relationship with a raging sociopath – I lived with him for a year, he went into a rage and shook me up and hit me, and I left. It was very traumatic to me, because I went to the cops and got a warrant for his arrest, only to have his family members call me trying to minimize his behavior and drop the charges. He was not even arrested until TWO WEEKS after the incident, which brought me to realize that the system is a JOKE! I don’t even know if he was really a danger to me after I left him, or not. The fallout was me having panic attacks and not feeling safe.
Then this idiot wanted his revenge, and filed a lawsuit against me for half of his expenses during the year we lived together! It was something to see – every transaction and receipt down to the last PENNY! I had to hire a lawyer to fight this, which cost me about $700, (cheap I know compared to some of the stories here!) The real problem was having to show up in court twice, because it triggered very bad full-scale panic attacks for me to even think about being in the same room with him. Holy cow! I am short of breath thinking about it now and it was 20 years ago!
I told my lawyer that I had made more money than he did during this year, and also that he wanted his money back for taking me out to dinner on my birthday – itemized down to the penny! When we had the hearing before the judge, she still ruled for him, but not as much as he wanted. I was lucky to have a girlfriend who was a lawyer who acted as the go-between for us so I could maintain NC while paying him back.
I didn’t know it was “NC,” but just the thought of ANY contact with him – phone calls, letters, whatever, would engender a panic attack!
And regarding the judge in this case (who happened to be a woman) – What about all the expenses I had establishing a new household after he hit me and I had to leave him!!! And the fact that the whole point of his lawsuit was to punish me for having the gall to have him arrested after he hit me. We had just moved into a nicer apartment two weeks prior to this, and of course lost the deposit. I was away from family, and my co-workers were wonderfully helpful and supportive, thank goodness. I moved in with one for a month until I found a new place to live, and purchased a used car from another.
I see a lot of the stories on this site and I truly identify with been here done that! You have to UNDERSTAND what the negative behavior is before you can call them on it. Now I know what I should expect and deserve – honesty, emotional intimacy, and commitment. People who do not give you these things do not deserve your loyalty.
Keensight, I have just seen this happen in my recent dating episode:
—————————-
“If asking for verification about something you just observed
happening that appears weird is met with anger and disdain, chances are you are probably onto something you don’t want to brush aside.”
—————————-
On my visit to him we were running all over the place and I had gotten absolutely no sleep the night before because he had already begun to act strangely and my body knew it already. I told him that I was exhausted and would not be up for a whole lot that day, and that’s when I got the anger and disdain. He was good at not showing the anger, hence my confusion. I had been very up-front with him about my disabliity and he had had no issues with it – which was part of the reason I got sucked in! He appeared to be very accepting of whatever I told him – until it was inconvenient for him!!
That sounds pretty typical now after seeing what’s on this blog!
I just want to comment on the level of discourse found on this blog community – please remember I am the child who will shout “nekked!” at the emperor.
This blog is a great way to communicate, but there will always be things that or not clear or are misunderstood because there is no body language or facial expressions or tone of voice. What I do like seeing is people dealing with these things by asking for and making those clarifications. Calling out what seems unclear or judgemental or over the line. That is the healthy thing to do, and I am glad to see that actually happening here.
Another issue I see (and feel) I guess is pretty obvious – there are a lot of emotions going on, because we feel that this is a safe place, and because we are dealing with hurt and sadness and loss and betrayal and anger and – you name it!
People being triggered and ranting, people being triggered by others, people with strongly-held opinions will express them – it is good to see that we will be asked to clarify those things too. What may be the best thing for yourself may not be for everybody else. We are here to learn and heal, and to TAKE NOTHING FOR GRANTED.
People who have been victimized tend to take too many things for granted, which is why the bad ones get away with what they do. People here tend to want to take care of or help others, which is another trait that bad people take advantage of. Everyone has their own experiences, how it has affected them, and how they choose to deal with that in their own lives.
For example, I told my story about finding a very good relationship through a personal ad, a very bad relationship through an internet dating site, and in the above posts, relationships with two abusive sociopaths – one I met through a very good friend, and one I met in a church group. And living for years with a sociopathic stepfather and my alcoholic wife-beating father. I would hope the message people take from that is THERE IS NO SAFE PLACE. No place where you can suspend your own judgement or your hard-earned common sense. How you choose to deal with that is up to you.
You may decide that you are done with relationships – which is exactly what my mother did, because she was so burned and was afraid of that happening to her again. That is her choice, but not mine. You may decide that you do – in which case I would tell you it doesn’t matter HOW or WHERE you try to find it. Predators are everywhere. If you know how to protect yourself you will NOT pursue a relationship with someone who is evil and abusive. And predators are not only in romantic relationships – they can be friends, caretakers, or relatives. So that is why I joked earlier about not leaving my house ever again!
Your experience will be yours, and you will choose what you choose. You can tell me that, but it will not necessarily be what I choose. I see opinions, but I have my own. I can not tell another person what to choose, even if it is to keep them safe.
I will certainly NOT expect to make decisions about what type of birth control to use or what way of meeting people is SAFE or NOT based on an internet blog. I would express to people please think for yourself, and that this site is not meant to tell you how to live your life. If you make decisions this way, you most certainly will be victimized again. And that usually means we have other issues to recover from if we want to go down the road to making our own life better – not because we suspend belief and let others tell us what to do, but because we learn how to think for ourselves. There is no place that is all good or all bad. If the Internet is bad, then this blog would illustrate that it is also good. Stay out of the bad part of town. And know that predators can have respectable addresses!
PEOPLE PLEASE ALWAYS THINK FOR YOURSELVES. LEARN FROM THE EXPERIENCES OF OTHERS, AND MAKE YOUR OWN CHOICES.
This is my opinion!
Dear Keen insight,
Please call me Oxy”—I again apologize to you if I seem to have been “man bashing”—again those that know me know that I am NOT a man hater by any stretch of the imagination. I do not mean t represent (in any way) that I am. Frankly, I am probably one of the most liberal people in many ways on this blog.
I do tend to use the “He” when referring to Ps and I of all people KNOW that there are plenty of female Ps and “cluster B’s”
The only excuse that I can give is that I sort of use “short hand” (believe that or not on my long posts) on some of the articles I write and on comments as well, but I am NOT a man basher. I apologize profusely if I presented as such. We do have a few men on here (besides yourself, and frankly I wasn’t even aware (or cared) whether you were male or female.) To me a victim is a victim and an abuser is an abuser regardless of race, color, creed, national origin, sexual preference, planet or philosophy or religous preferences. I hate them all! Philippe just happened to be one that I had a BIG HATE ON FOR because of what he did to those women (and others) deliberately.
If you will look under the titles “female Ps” you will also see some of my scathing comments about female Ps and the things they have done. I am an opinionated old biddy, and my anger and disgust is VERY narrowly pointed at the perpetrators of pain and abuse.
I will try to be more aware of how my posts might sound to those who do not know me. I hope you will hang around and get to know me, I’m not really all that bad a person, just have ZERO tolerance for abuse—“trust me.” LOL
Dear Miss Drover – I wouldn’t have replied to you if I thought you were not a decent and caring person. I have a great deal of respect for how you survived what you have gone through. I just wanted to bring attention to the way you’ve come across at times that I think goes against what I believe you are invested in. That being assisting women and men on this site achieve healing from the negative effects of sociopaths.
I’ll call you Oxy if you’ll call me by the name I’ve chosen which is Keensight. That’s not how you’ve been addressing me. I’ll tell you why I want my request to be honored as you do yours.
Long before I decided to post here on this site, I read what I could bear to read. I was fortunate to find this site during an incredibly painful time of loss for me. I had to set firm boundaries with people in my life who chose to disrespect my right to be free from abusive treatment and language with respect to my sexual orientation. That’s right, I said ORIENTATION, not preference. Preference implies that one has a choice about the sex/gender of the people they have an affinity toward in the area of physical and spiritual attraction. If it were a choice, as you stated, I would still have a family and I’d be affirmed for who I am and just plain loved without having to jump through hoops for approval.
After many long years of that kind of marginalization and rejection, I said enough is enough. I decided to let go of the hope of ever being an accepted member of my family. As a result of bringing the truth out into the open to some extended family members who were led to believe otherwise about me, I was told by my father, “We don’t want what you are in our family, the best thing you can do is stay away.”
As punishment for my transgression of being honest about who I am, I was kept from seeing my Mom, who was dying of Alzheimer’s disease. I live very close to them and was never even allowed to see her at a distance for over three years. The culmination of all this was touching and holding her in an emergency room as she took her final breaths after three long years of not seeing her.
While the devalue and discard were incredibly painful to absorb ( I was a good and loving son and brother),
I had to watch every precious moment I had to spend with her slip away and know there was nothing I could do about it. The grief was tremendously painful for me. I loved her very much. We were good friends. It was so difficult to say a long goodbye in stages. The finality of her loss and how much time was wasted by his punishment of my transgression of truthfulness is still unfolding. She died just months ago.
As I started to read this site and thought about posting here, I wanted to choose a name that reflects what this site means to me and how I define my experience of the people here and this site’s function.
The verb KEEN, means to lament, mourn, or complain loudly. The etymology of the word is the Irish caoinim: meaning – I lament, weep.
The noun KEEN, means a lamentation for the dead uttered in a loud wailing voice or sometimes a wordless cry.
The adjective KEEN, whose etymology is English (kene) means brave or sharp.
It also means showing a quick and ardent responsiveness of emotion or feeling, and extremely sensitive perception and several other meanings as well.
I’ve experienced all these facets of the word keen through this site and through the people who come here to express their grief at their losses as well as the insights gleaned from having survived them. It really is quite a wonderful place to come and get some objectivity about what are truly shared experiences for those of us who have had to face difficult losses, and to do so with the goal of healing, and ultimately growing as people from our experiences of betrayal, deception and loss.
I’ll honor your request to be called Oxy if you’ll honor mine to be called Keensight. All of the different meanings of the word keen apply to my feelings about this site and the insights I’ve derived from it.
I know how much you care about the people here Oxy, please don’t think otherwise.
Take care.
keensight
Dear keensight,
Sorry for the missreading of your name, please forgive an old BLIND woman (without my 3+ dopler reading glasses) LOL Or maybe it was a “Freudian slip” (sight-insight?)
I think maybe I triggered you, but please understand, I am not anti-gay, Matt and Henry, here on this blog are two of my “bestest friends” so please don’t think I am prejudiced in that way at all. the only gay people I despise are the same people I would despise if they were straight! People who hurt other people with callous disreguard for their safety and their feelings. Personally, I don’t care if someone screws monkeys as long as they tell the monkey they are HIV positive, having sex with the elephant down the road, or whatever their pleasure is.
As far as “sexual preference” vs “sexual orientation” I am not prepared to debate the “gay nature or nurture” issue because I don’t really have an opinon on it, and it really doesn’t matter to me. I am able to accept people as they ARE—period.
I am sorry that your parent and family did that to you, supposedly because you are gay. My step-granddaughter is gay and her mother has a difficult time with it. I just love her for the wonderful person she is. I didn’t like her last partner, frankly, because I thought the woman was Borderline Personality disorder and highly dysfunctional, but fortunately my GD got tired of teh drama and kicked her to the curb. In fact, I didn’t even express my “opinon” of this woman BPD because at the time my GD was “under her spell”—I learned with my son C that when someone is under the “spell” of the disordered person all you can do is to stay involved and keep your mouth shut. A difficult thing for me sometimes.
Except for my two remaining sons, I don’t have much left in the way of family either, so I definitely can relate. My egg donor has poisoned the well as much as she can in both the extended family and the community by smearing me to all who will listen to her. I’m almost to the point that I don’t let it bother me much now. I’m learning to validate myself and who I am and what I THINK about what I have done and why.
That is a hard road to get to I think, it sure was for me. Especially when I was trained that “what the neighbors think” is the most important thing in the world.
I am sure it must have hurt not to see your mother, but in a way, when the memory goes, so does much of the emotional pain I am sure she would have felt if she had truly known what was being done to you. I know this may sound trite, but remember her the way she was before the losses of the disease. For several years I worked with altzheimer patients and then off and on in various other capacities in the fammily clinics. I had onoe wonderful little patient and she lived with her daughter, she had some sort of organic brain problem, I’m not sure what, but she became hostile and cursed a blue streak, she never would have said chit before, but she would curse her daughter and I kept telling the daughter who was very hurt, that “the lights are on, but your mother is NOT home.” that is NOT her saying those things. I told her “Your mother loved you,” and she did, but the brain is an organ like any other that can go “wrong.” Just treasure those memories of her when she was herself.
I was fortunate that my lovely step father kept his mind til the day he passed away. I treasure those memories with him, but with my egg donor, just like my P son, they are GONE—I treasure memories when I thought things were wonderful, but those days are gone, they are dead to me emotionally.
They say you can’t quit loving your kid or your parents, but if anyone has, I have. Just like I quit loving the P X BF when I saw what he was.
I know you were/are hurt by this terrible betrayal of who you ARE…and it is a fact that very few people really do give UNconditional love to us. Accept us for what and who we are without trying to put their own spin on things. I’ve spent a life time trying to BE someone my egg donor would be proud of, and in the end, she discards me for a 3 x convicted pedophile sex offender and a P-gold digging piece of trash my son C was conned into being a meal ticket for. then, when they robbed her and tried to kill her grandson, C., she wanted me to come back and “let’s pretend none of this happened.” LOL
When she said that, I knew I could never go back, never pretend any more. It was OVER. I was going to be me. Not play act that we were a “nice normal family” any more.
It is a painful journey toward healing, but I am glad that you are here, this is a very good and supportive place. God bless your journey.
Dear Miss Drover – Put your bi-focals on you old bat~! I love this respectful banter between you and Keensight – And Keensight I am already in love with you after reading your few post. I am just a country bumpkin with a high school education. I often feel totally out of place with so many well spoken, educated, eloquent people. I think I have healed as much as I can but still refuse to leave this place, I just love it….
Hey nassau girl –
I think standing up for what is right is not the same thing as revenge, and I would never feel guilty about doing it for someone who is a liar and a psychopath. Whatever promises you might have made to him are null and void the second he lies to you about anything. You have already stood up for yourself and others by e-publishing about him, so don’t falter now!
I think he may have told you this as a pity ploy so you would feel protective of him (like the 2 of you “against the world”), and also possibly to manipulate you into a marriage that might become a necessity to him if he really ever was threatened with deportation – or led you to “think” that he was being threatened with deportation.
I think a lot of sociopaths develop a “crisis” situation to get you to do something in a hurry that you would not have done if you had more time to think about it. It’s a technique that all salesmen use!
He may have told other people that he was legal in order to hold down a job. Plenty of ways for him to fake the documents he needs at least well enough to avoid scrutiny. If he is from Haiti he might have a gang, criminal and/ or military background no one knows about. If you fear his accomplices, that sounds pretty scary to me! Any gangs down there in the Bahamas?
Something else to consider – will the authorities be able to tell you the truth about his status? Can you get a restraining order against him? You should if you fear he (or his accomplices -shiver!) might be vengeful, or perhaps he might break into your home to take “what belongs to him.” I sure hope you changed your locks already! Him returning an extra key to you is not enough – he could have made an extra you don’t know about. He may have documents regarding your credit or personal business – make sure you replace all banking or credit cards with new account numbers. Change your PIN/access codes! Do what you would do if your wallet was lost or stolen. Sheesh I am sounding more & more like a movie on the Lifetime channel!
Wow – his “letter” to you was sickening and showed his true colors! You might even have a civil suit against him for all the money he owes you. The sociopath I lived with for a year sued me! There were no debts, no contracts or legal bindings of any kind, but he still got the judge to make me pay him money based on our time together. He had kept and itemized every receipt, and I had not. I think the law in that state may have assumed a common-law marriage after one year of living together, and/or community property. Frankly I don’t even remember WHY he was able to do this, because I was so upset about the whole thing.
I would cover my ass 10 different ways, because you know he will. I would turn him in AFTER I got a restraining order against
him. It establishes a precedent that will make the government more likely to throw his ass out of the country. OOps – I see that you reported him already – well if you want to backpedal on that, don’t. I would advise you to go see a lawyer and get the facts about what you can do, and should do. If the lawyer looks into his status then technically it isn’t you being the “bad guy” – sounds like HIS way of thinking, doesn’t it?
Only sick people make you keep illegal secrets. It’s how people who want to abuse others operate.
Mister Henry,
At least I am not from Oklahoma! If I was, I sure wouldn’t admit it in mixed company! LOL
I dont’ use them high dollar bi-focals, I go to the Dollar Tree and buy them $1 a piece specks cause I lose them all the time (CRS) so I try to keep 15-20 pair, one on every flat surface in my house, barn and hangar! And when I sit on them and break them I don’t scream too loud! LOL
And BTW just cause I call myself an opinonated old bat or biddy doesn’t mean you can get away with it! LOL You better be careful and show some respect to your elders, if not your betters, or I’ll open the oven door and give you a good whop up side the haid. Thats MS. Bat to YOU!
How have you been doing? This old bat took her crippled body to the doctor and got a shot of cortisone in her shoulder, so couldn[‘t also get my flu shot (hope I don’t end up with the flu) doc thinks I’ve probably got a torn rotator cuff so if the shot doesn’t help appreciably in a few days I have to get an ortho appointment and see if they need to cut it open.
Medical personnel are the worst patients–my cute little Doc said “Yea, I’m the same way, I will probably let my kids die of something before I will take them to the pediatrician.” She is such a doll though, and takes good care of my falling apart pre-corpse.
But after the rocky mountain spotted fever a couple of summers ago and the episode last summer, I am putting my money where my mouth is and I am taking better care of myself! Going to the doctor (well, it has only been hurting three months) in a reasonable and timely manner. Actually doing what she says for me to do (letting that young whipper snapper order me around—they say you are getting old when doctors and cops look like KIDS–are you there yet, henry?) LOL
Exercising, eating better (and less) stopping smoking, wearing sun screen, gosh, I’m gonna actually go back to age 61 on my birthday next month instead of 63!!! Heck in only a few years I’ll be middle aged again.
They say “life begins at 40” but I have news for you, Henry, it begins when you take your own happiness in your own hands, and don’t let anyone, and I mean ANYONE, destroy your sense of self. It’s way past time for us old coots to take back our POWER and to take care of ourselves and quit trying to convince someone who isn’t worth the powder to blow the wax out of their ears that they love us.
Gem, that goes for you too! (((((Hugs))))))
Hey nassau girl –
I think standing up for what is right is not the same thing as revenge, and I would never feel guilty about doing it for someone who is a liar and a psychopath. Whatever promises you might have made to him are null and void the second he lies to you about anything. You have already stood up for yourself and others by e-publishing about him, so don’t falter now!
I think he may have told you this as a pity ploy so you would feel protective of him (like the 2 of you “against the world”), and also possibly to manipulate you into a marriage that might become a necessity to him if he really ever was threatened with deportation – or led you to “think” that he was being threatened with deportation.
I think a lot of sociopaths develop a “crisis” situation to get you to do something in a hurry that you would not have done if you had more time to think about it. It’s a technique that all salesmen use!
He may have told other people that he was legal in order to hold down a job. Plenty of ways for him to fake the documents he needs at least well enough to avoid scrutiny. If he is from Haiti he might have a gang, criminal and/ or military background no one knows about. If you fear his accomplices, that sounds pretty scary to me! Any gangs down there in the Bahamas?
Something else to consider – will the authorities be able to tell you the truth about his status? Can you get a restraining order against him? You should if you fear he (or his accomplices -shiver!) might be vengeful, or perhaps he might break into your home to take “what belongs to him.” I sure hope you changed your locks already! Him returning an extra key to you is not enough – he could have made an extra you don’t know about. He may have documents regarding your credit or personal business – make sure you replace all banking or credit cards with new account numbers. Change your PIN/access codes! Do what you would do if your wallet was lost or stolen. Sheesh I am sounding more & more like a movie on the Lifetime channel!
Wow – his “letter” to you was sickening and showed his true colors! You might even have a civil suit against him for all the money he owes you. The sociopath I lived with for a year sued me – after he hit me and I had him arrested! There were no debts, no contracts or legal bindings of any kind, but he still got the judge to make me pay him money based on our time together. He had kept and itemized every receipt, and I had not. I think the law in that state may have assumed a common-law marriage after one year of living together, and/or community property. Frankly I don’t even remember WHY he was able to do this, because I was so upset about the whole thing.
I would cover my ass 10 different ways, because you know he will. I would turn him in AFTER I got a restraining order against
him. It establishes a precedent that will make the government more likely to throw his ass out of the country. OOps – I see that you reported him already – well if you want to backpedal on that, don’t. I would advise you to go see a lawyer and get the facts about what you can do, and should do. If the lawyer looks into his status then technically it isn’t you being the “bad guy” – sounds like HIS way of thinking, doesn’t it?
Only sick people make you keep illegal secrets. It’s how people who want to abuse others operate.
Miss Drover – i can call you Oxy – don’t ever forget that I am the one that gave you that name. And never forget the skillet was never mentioned until I showed up here. You became very frustrated with me because I wanted closure. You told be to pull up my big boy britches and get some back bone. You also broke off our engagement when some younger thang came along. But I still adore you – now tell this keensight I am a good catch even if I am an okie from muskogie…