We’ve discussed many of the sociopath’s traits, such as his missing empathy and compassion; his tendency to remorseless interpersonal exploitation; and proclivity to audacious acts of lying, deception and sundry other violating behaviors.
Now, I’m tempted to add to the mix what I call the sociopath’s tendency to “irrational optimism.”
By “irrational optimism,” I mean the sociopath’s irrationally optimistic belief, if not conviction, that he’ll either evade or, somehow, otherwise prevail over, the real, probable consequences of his actions.
Consider this brief, hypothetical interaction between a sociopath and his partner, who learns with certainty that he, the sociopath, has been cheating on her with three different women simultaneously:
Partner: How could you do that?
Sociopath: Do what?
Partner: Sleep with three different women behind my back. Are you f*cking demented?
Sociopath: First of all, that’s abusive. So stop right there and don’t abuse me. Second, I didn’t sleep with f*cking anybody. Not that I haven’t been tempted, given how lame our sex life is.
Partner: Why are you lying? I know who these women are, and I can prove you’ve been sleeping with them. Do you think I’m that f*cking stupid?
Sociopath: Let me ask you something. Why the hell would I sleep with three women and risk getting some f*cking STD? Think about it. You know me”¦or maybe you don’t? Does that make any sense?
The sociopath here is (or was) irrationally optimistic on two levels—first, that he’d be able to perpetrate this caper, undetected, indefinitely; and second that, once busted (as, now, he is) he’ll be able to squirm his way out of accountability.
We could address many aspects of this interaction, but I’d like to emphasize his last argument: “Let me ask you something. Why the hell would I sleep with three women and risk getting some f*cking STD? Think about it. You know me”¦or do you? Does that make any sense?”
This argument captures, I think, the sociopath’s “irrational optimism” beautifully. In offering the glibly insulting invitation to “think about it,” he makes a spectacle of his audacity and contempt: he really expects, and believes his partner should, accept his invitation [to think about it].
But even more than expecting her to “think about it,” which is outrageous enough, he expects her, in his irrational optimism, actually to be persuaded by his argument. In his irrational optimism, he is hopeful, if not confident, that she’ll choose to disbelieve the evidence she holds indisputably in her hands in favor of accepting his insulting logic.
How classically sociopathic is this?
More importantly, what contributes to the sociopath’s irrational optimism?
We might begin with his malignant sense of entitlement—that is, the sociopath’s belief that he is entitled to obtain the gratifications he wants. One of the most dangerous aspects of the attitude of entitlement is how it renders impotent—denudes of power—rule, limits and laws.
When you feel entitled to something, if it’s not accomodatingly forthcoming, you feel entitled to take it. You’ve laid, in your entitlement, a kind of psychic possession of what it is you want, so that now it becomes, in your mind, yours—specifically, your right to have.
And so if someone (or something) obstructs your seizing what now, in your mind, is your right to possess, then you are free to take it—to take, in fact, whatever is yours—by any means necessary.
Conferring this entitled status upon oneself encourages the irrationally optimistic view that, one way or another, accomodation looms”¦it must!
Closely related to this is the sociopath’s grandiosity: he believes he can and should succeed at his high-wire machinations because he’s that good, that clever and—it can’t be stressed enough—that entitled.
His grandiosity may take the form of thoughts like, “Sure, normal guys couldn’t pull this shit off, but I’m not your normal guy.”
And so, when you feel like you can do things that others can’t—especially things unsupported by “reality—”this is grandiosity. And grandiosity feeds, I believe, very directly, the sociopath’s tendency to irrational optimism.
Then there is the sociopath’s contempt, so inseparable from his grandiosity. As we discussed, the sociopath, in the example above, expects his insulting argument to succeed, either because he’s convinced he’s smart, clever and persuasive enough to be found so convincing, or else he’s convinced that his partner is dumb, naïve and/or desperate enough to believe him. (Or both!)
As a consequence, the sociopath’s contempt leaves him at constant risk of underestimating others, and overestimating himself. In his irrational optimism, fed by his contempt, he fails to appreciate how close he is always is—perhaps just one more reckless risk away—from being busted.
What else feeds the sociopath’s irrational optimism? How about his stupidity?
This may sound provocative, but let me explain. I suggest that blind faith supports a perspective of irrational optimism, and the sociopath operates with a kind of blind faith. That is, he operates in the blind faith that, somehow or other, he’ll escape accountability for his latest transgression.
Where does his blind faith come from? Two good sources, I’d suggest, are his grandiosity and arrogance—they blind him, I contend, to certain realities, effectively making him stupid on some level.
And his stupidity reinforces his irrational optimism.
Quite obviously, I’m not talking I.Q. stupidity, but rather judgement-level stupidity. The sociopath’s personality pathology mars his capacity to make wise, intelligent judgements in many circumstances.
(My use of “he” in this article is a convenience, not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed. This article is copyrighted © 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW).
yep I know what you mean – here on the blog I can be myself – but if i met you all in person i would morf into that other person that i dont like…
Uggghhh….I’m pretty sure I have swine flu. I’ve had a 103 fever for two days, horrible headaches, chills, awful cough…I just feel terrible.
My sister saw the EX last night and that’s not making me feel any better. He’s such an asshole. She said they made eye contact and he waved. And she turned around to ignore him and he went out of his way to avoid her the rest of the night. Classic move. He’s the best at avoidance. Guess he brought the new victim out. And for some reason today, I can’t stop thinking about him, and being with her, and it really sucks. I’ve been doing so well and I feel like this is setting me back. I long for the day that thoughts of him won’t bring me down so much.
And I’m with the rest of you about the hype around the holidays. I used to love them, but I really can’t wait for them to be over this year. I have too many bad memories from last year. This was the time of year where the begining of the end started with him.
Ohhhh…I just hate being so down right now. Thanks for letting me rant. Hope you’re all well.
Amber Sound like the flu too me.. dont worry about that x spath of yours now – you take care of yourself…
Amber:
Feel better ……
Wehn we are vulnerable….it all can crash down….
KEEP IN MIND……
IT”S NOT YOU anymore!!!
Try to divert your thoughts with a crazy movie….something totally non romantic or triggering…like startrek!!! 🙂
Drink lots and rest….your mind too! 🙂
XXOO
EB
Thanks Henry and EB. I’m trying not to worry about him, but this time of year is just hard for me not to. And being stuck home alone with the flu isn’t helping. My sister said, just be glad he’s not your burden anymore. And I’m glad that he’s not, but I can’t stand the thought of him being able to still enjoy life because he doesn’t derserve it. But I have to remind myself that I KNOW the TRUTH. I know what a miserable, rotten waste of space he is. His clock is ticking and eventually his world will come crashing down. Well, I can hope!! hehe.
I was speaking with a friend recently and she had been in a relationship that was similar and she gave me the greatest anaolgy. She reminded me that he is toxic and the longer I keep him around the more sick he will make me. She said, it’s like when you buy yourself a big, expensive, juicy steak that you plan on cooking that night but something comes up so you throw it in the fridge. Then the next night comes along and something else comes up, so the steak sits in the fridge. Then 2 nights later, you’re too busy to cook it and you don’t want it to go to waste so you throw it in the freezer with hopes that it’s still good. Then a few months go by and you take it out and thaw it, and then something else comes up and you can’t cook it. So after a few days, you realize you can’t cook it and you throw it back in the freezer. So the next time you take it out, it’s slimey and smells bad, and is rainbow colored. You don’t want to waste it but you KNOW that meat is bad, spoiled, you KNOW that it’s going to make you sick, so WOULD YOU REALLY EAT IT?!?!?!?! So if I know the same thing about this man, that he is bad and will make me sick, then why would I want to keep him around. I’m trying to keep my chin up and keep my mind off him.
And startrek won’t work..lol..it’s the last movie we saw together…HAHAHAHA. Thanks for the suggestion though. I’m just snuggled on the couch with my puppy and watching wheel of forture!! LOL..good old Friday night. Oh well, things WILL GET BETTER!! I know it. Thanks guys. HUGS.
My duagher got a call yesterday from the S’s step mother…
During the divorce, she was a info feeder to me and after she switched teams out of guilt….I never trusted her, nevr had any reason to…..but this call was VERY interesting.
These people have never been a part of the kids life, so the my daughter was questioning how she got her cell….
DUhhhhh!
The S spoke to his brother and I’m sure cried about not knowing what the kids were up to and put step mom up to calling….daughter spoke with her for 1 minute and said….hey….my moms right here ya wanna talk to her….and passed the phone to me rolling her eyes”.CLASSIC!!!!
I was as happy as a pig in shit”..and played her with my counter control”..she NEVER asked how I was, how my health was or the kids”..I kept the talk going about how she must be so happy to be helping others with her mission (she’s mormon and on a mission) and how rewarding it was”..
She said daughter sounded so happy”..I said, yes, the kids are doing wonderful and they are really thriving and happy. We are with my boyfriend and family (lie HA) (he’s been telling people”EB has someone serious in her life???WHAT???), so I played along—..basically, she was calling to see if we were holed up eating bread and water”..and hoping that was the report she could make back.
It was such a manipulation, not shocking, but humorous to me”..how SHE thinks she can play me”..All during the divorce, I could tell she was being manipulative, but when her hubby was dying and the S was laying his abuse on her thick, she would call me”.I’d tell her”..welcome to my world! I just played along at the right times”..Counter control”..she knows what she raised, so she can live out eternity with him”.NOT ME!!!!
I told her I LOVE YOU”.and take good care, life is so good and so many blessings”..
And Happy Thanksgiving, I had to get back to my party—
This is the same peeps that tried to transfer my investment property over to the S AFTER the divorce—UH, yes”..they don’t know I was aware of that! Yeah MAH”..Love ya! (Hey I learned that one from your son!) Kick you in the head and follow it up with a Love You!
This is just one example of how we must remain aware”..always”.know who will be out to manipulate and why and NEVER fall prey to the ’covert’ concern for us or our kids”..
Sorry lady”.me and kids ain’t puddy anymore!
LOVE YA!
Hang in there, Amber. I always regard a cold or a flu as a “healing” crisis. It forces you to just stay in bed and rest. This is generally a good thing, to let your body rest and recover. I’m sorry you had a minor setback. You will get through it. (((hug)))
Amber,
Hope you feel better soon….It sucks to be sick. However it is good time for R&R and sometimes that is the only way our bodies actually can get enough of this is when we are sick.
The holidays are hard. They tend to remind us (as if we don’t have ENOUGH reminders) of our aloneness.
But I think as we become further along in our journey, and start feeling better about ourselves, we can appreciate that being alone is being in “good” company…..
For anyone wanting to go see a good movie, I highly recommend the Blind Side. Very good movie.
thanx for the heads up on the movie wit… Amber I like the steak analogy – but in my case when i look under rocks for love i always find slime..