I recently heard from a man, whom we’ll call “Jeff,” who wanted to know if the woman he was involved with, “Amanda,” was a sociopath.
It started as a friendly involvement, with Jeff trying to help Amanda out. Amanda, who was from a foreign country, called Jeff her “best friend.” Jeff eventually started to have feelings for her. But then came a series of unsettling experiences:
- Amanda made pornographic videos, which were posted on the Internet.
- Amanda worked as an escort. Jeff offered to pay her rent, so she wouldn’t have to be an escort, and Amanda agreed—and continued being an escort anyway.
- Then Jeff asked Amanda to sign a contract promising that she wouldn’t be an escort. She signed it—and broke the deal again, with absolutely no guilt.
- Amanda claimed to be struggling financially. Although Jeff wasn’t well off, he gave her money—and then discovered that Amanda sent a large sum of money back to her home country.
- Jeff discovered Amanda was having multiple liaisons, often on the same day. One guy was married, one was a “sugar daddy,” and several were her “best friend.”
- Other men were also paying her phone bill and rent.
- Jeff stopped taking her calls, but did communicate via email. They agreed to get together to “talk things over.” Amanda cancelled.
- When they did finally have a conversation, Jeff thought Amanda’s words sounded hollow. He also realized her words were used for manipulation, not for communicating the truth.
- Jeff stopped talking to Amanda. But he knew that if he contacted her again, she would be nice and friendly, as if nothing ever happened.
So is Amanda a sociopath? I think so, and that’s what I told Jeff.
His next question was, “What are the most glaring indications that she is a sociopath?”
And that brings us to the point of this article: The most glaring indication of sociopathy is not any particular trait or behavior, but the overall pattern of traits and behaviors.
Sociopathy is a syndrome. What exactly does that mean? Here’s the Dictionary.com definition:
Pathology, Psychiatry . a group of symptoms that together are characteristic of a specific disorder, disease, or the like.
So, although Amanda is an escort, it doesn’t necessarily make her a sociopath. She took advantage of Jeff, but that doesn’t make her a sociopath. She had multiple sexual relationships, but that doesn’t make her a sociopath. Her words sounded hollow, but that doesn’t make her a sociopath. And, if Jeff and Amanda ever talked again, she would act as if nothing happened, but that doesn’t make her a sociopath.
Amanda is a sociopath because of her overall traits and pattern of behavior, including promiscuity, entitlement, manipulation, exploitation, breaking agreements, lying, shallow emotions and lack of remorse. All of these characteristics, taken together, add up to character disorder.
if sociopathy is a syndrom, a disease, and despite all difficulties around the subject (dealing with this people and everything that comes with that), what shud a mother do? look at her son or daughter and go away forever, am fed up, or look at this with compassion, kowing itss a disease?
Donna, thank you so much for this harrowing article! I had a former “friend” who was very promiscuous with married men and would often accept gifts of jewelry and money. Her overall behaviors fit the profile, as well. Since there’s no blood test or urine analysis that can conclusively confirm that someone’s a sociopath, their patterns of behavior are what clearly points to the Truth. And, there’s no disputing their patterns of behavior because each and every sociopath follows the same basic pattern.
Annad, sociopathy is NOT a “disease.” It cannot be medicated. It cannot be surgically removed. It cannot be resolved through counseling therapy or psychotropic medications. Sociopathy is a CHOICE IN BEHAVIORS, period. Whether it’s genetic or environmental, sociopaths choose their actions whether their choices will harm someone else or not. And, if someone else IS harmed, they do not feel any remorse.
There is NO ROOM for “compassion” for a sociopath. It is a “normal” person’s compassion that they use to their advantage. Pity? Yes – a mild degree of pity is appropriate because it must be a horrible and hollow Universe that they have created for themselves. They shout out into that Sociopath Universe, and all they hear is the echo of their own voices. Fine by them – they tend to be their own best friends.
Brightest blessings.
Annad – Sociopathy is a personality disorder. Although it is a medical condition, it is not a disease. That is why, once a sociopath is an adult, there is no therapy or medication that has been proven to cure it.
Many Lovefraud readers have had to make a heartbreaking decision to have No Contact with their own children who turned out to be disordered. It is unbelievably painful.
Sociopaths exploit everyone in their lives, especially their family members. You could feel compassion, but it’s best to do it from a distance.
Doesn’t this raise the question, though, how much has to happen before somebody sees the proverbial handwriting on the wall?
What difference does it make, really, if this woman is a sociopath or not? Her behavior is reprehensible and over the top.
How much unacceptable behavior needs to occur before it stops being the predator’s fault?
Aren’t we, as individuals, responsible for the people we associate with and the kinds of behaviors that we will tolerate or excuse?
It’s one thing to be lied to and deceived, but to know all these things and then still wonder if the person is “nice” sounds like the person is not being a victim, but a volunteer.
Donna, I agree with your assessment of this woman’s behavior, the overall pattern of using other people, the dishonesty, the lack of responsibility for supporting herself with an honest way of making a living, the sense of entitlement, the breaking agreements.
As for jeff’s behavior if you compare his behavior to what I listed as the RED FLAGS OF DYSFUNCTION in my recent article
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2012/04/27/the-red-flags-of-dysfunction/ he pretty much violated each of those things in dealing with the woman.
The woman was dishonest…that right there is enough for me to say that she was “toxic” whether she was a psychopath or not. When we associate with dishonest people we end up being used.
I agree with G1S that we are responsible when we see the REPEATED signs of dishonest behavior to extricate ourselves from relationships with these people.
There comes a point when we know about the dishonesty that we cease being victims and become volunters.
Dear Annad,
I am sorry that you are having problems with a child who shows signs of psychopathy. I have a son who is a psychopath, and is in prison. There are others here who also have children who are psychopaths and have attacked them in various ways or used them over and over.
It is very heart breaking to break contact with a child because we want to hold on to hope that the child will reform. Unfortunately that hope is many times misplaced. It hurts to cut contact with them but it is the only way to survive. God bless you.
G1S, there are people who go to their graves in denail of what they have not only witnessed, but experienced with their spath children. It is probably the saddest and most gutwrenching thing imaginable.
OxD, you know better than anyone how painful it is to separate the child from the adult spath. Your kind words of support and encouragement will be appreciated, I’m sure.
Annad, I will apologize if my response to your post came across as angry. I AM angry, but it has nothing to do with you. No excuse, but I’m very raw at this moment and I will encourage you to keep reading the articles, the responses, and post your own experiences and feelings. This is a “safe” place and strictly monitored so that people who are seeking and giving help aren’t trolled.
For myself, I cannot see an answer to how to approach obviously sociopathic children. What options does a parent really have? Since sociopathy isn’t a mental disorder, a parent can’t (and, likely wouldn’t) institutionalize their child. One can’t abandon their child, can they? This is where the horrible quandary occurs: what are the options?
My very sincere healing blessings to you, Annad.
Actually, Truthspeak, in my state a child can be legally declared a “wayward child” and turned over to the state.
Here is my state’s legal definition:
WAYWARD CHILD ~ Any child who is truant, disobedient, a
runaway or who who seems unable to change such behaviors.
This is from the state’s website, directed at teens.
YOUTH IN STATE CARE
WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE IN STATE CUSTODY?
~ The State can take you into custody by one of two ways:
* Voluntary – Parents agree, without court order, to let DCYF take care of you.
* Court Placement – Court grants custody to DCYF because you were being either abused, neglected or are otherwise a dependent child.
~ When in state custody, the state has temporary care and supervision over you.
~ While in state custody, you will have a case plan written for you.
* A case plan is a document that specifies what you and your family need to do to resolve the problems that got you removed out of your home.
* The plan describes the long-term goals for your welfare, type of foster care or placement and a statement of why certain services are appropriate for you and your family.
G1S, I imagine that all States probably have something similar in place. I can only imagine what a torture it is for any parent who has to come to such a point with their child or children.
And, having case plans is a grand idea, but what if the parents are unable or unwilling to follow through? I’ve seen the parental denial to the point where their own child who was 100% proven guilty of a violent crime sit there and defend their offspring’s actions as somehow “provoked.”
Pretty scary, all around.
Truthspeak,
How old is your child? witsend’s child was 16 at the time she first came here. she was DESPERATE to find a way to help her child (who had also been diagnosed as bi-polar but would not take his medication) and she was trying to get the school to help her. He would go to school but would sleep in class. He would not cooperate at home and finally Witty was actually afraid of him. I think at one point he threatened to burn the house if she did something or other.
He called the cops and told them she was abusing him. The cops basically said “we’re not going to do anything” she was totally powerless.
I don’t know what your state has available, but I do know in my state, as in G1S’s there is a way to get the state to help you with a child you cannot control. I suggest that if this child of yours is under age 18 that you call a mental health facility and speak to someone there. You may be able to find some help. It isn’t much is my guess but it might at least give you a break and let you get a night’s sleep for once. If your child is truly psychopathic there will come a point where if you are wise you will cut contact with them, but if the child is under age 18 you may be able to find some help from the state, or get some help for your child if they are not totally psychopathic. sometimes it is difficult to tell the “out of control teenager” versus the psychopath. Keep trying to see what is going on, and get some help, FIND some help! The squeeky wheel gets some grease. God bless.