I recently heard from a man, whom we’ll call “Jeff,” who wanted to know if the woman he was involved with, “Amanda,” was a sociopath.
It started as a friendly involvement, with Jeff trying to help Amanda out. Amanda, who was from a foreign country, called Jeff her “best friend.” Jeff eventually started to have feelings for her. But then came a series of unsettling experiences:
- Amanda made pornographic videos, which were posted on the Internet.
- Amanda worked as an escort. Jeff offered to pay her rent, so she wouldn’t have to be an escort, and Amanda agreed—and continued being an escort anyway.
- Then Jeff asked Amanda to sign a contract promising that she wouldn’t be an escort. She signed it—and broke the deal again, with absolutely no guilt.
- Amanda claimed to be struggling financially. Although Jeff wasn’t well off, he gave her money—and then discovered that Amanda sent a large sum of money back to her home country.
- Jeff discovered Amanda was having multiple liaisons, often on the same day. One guy was married, one was a “sugar daddy,” and several were her “best friend.”
- Other men were also paying her phone bill and rent.
- Jeff stopped taking her calls, but did communicate via email. They agreed to get together to “talk things over.” Amanda cancelled.
- When they did finally have a conversation, Jeff thought Amanda’s words sounded hollow. He also realized her words were used for manipulation, not for communicating the truth.
- Jeff stopped talking to Amanda. But he knew that if he contacted her again, she would be nice and friendly, as if nothing ever happened.
So is Amanda a sociopath? I think so, and that’s what I told Jeff.
His next question was, “What are the most glaring indications that she is a sociopath?”
And that brings us to the point of this article: The most glaring indication of sociopathy is not any particular trait or behavior, but the overall pattern of traits and behaviors.
Sociopathy is a syndrome. What exactly does that mean? Here’s the Dictionary.com definition:
Pathology, Psychiatry . a group of symptoms that together are characteristic of a specific disorder, disease, or the like.
So, although Amanda is an escort, it doesn’t necessarily make her a sociopath. She took advantage of Jeff, but that doesn’t make her a sociopath. She had multiple sexual relationships, but that doesn’t make her a sociopath. Her words sounded hollow, but that doesn’t make her a sociopath. And, if Jeff and Amanda ever talked again, she would act as if nothing happened, but that doesn’t make her a sociopath.
Amanda is a sociopath because of her overall traits and pattern of behavior, including promiscuity, entitlement, manipulation, exploitation, breaking agreements, lying, shallow emotions and lack of remorse. All of these characteristics, taken together, add up to character disorder.
OxD, I was posting as “Buttons” a long while back – the eldest son is 26 and was the one that had forged military documentation and service awards. He was diagnosed Cluster B…..verrrrrrrrrry dangerous.
The youngest is NOT spath, but perfect victim. He’s still trying to work it out, but he has very strong ties with his spath brother. Of course, those “ties” only exist on HIS side.
When the eldest was living with me, I made every desperate attempt to get SOMEONE to frigging HEAR me about his behaviors. I was in Juvenile Court with him on numerous occasions and the Judge treated ME as if I had been the perpetrator! I tried to speak to the Judge to explain what I had tried to accomplish, and the next case was called.
It’s not only parents in denial, but it’s also a complete Legal System that simply does NOT recognize spathy as being the basis of 99.9% of ALL convicts. They just don’t get it. The Legal System does not recognize spathic behaviors in cases of divorce, either. “No Fault” needs to be abolished and each case should be heard and decided upon based upon behaviors, choices, and documented facts. There is a distinct lack of accountability and recognition, here…..on every level.
And, OxD, I agree that some changes are desperately needed and A Societal Movement started to address this devastating disorder.
My current anger is a result of my divorce issues that will soon be “resolved.” What a crock of sh*t THAT is!!! I’ve posted about nightmares, anxiety, agoraphobic reactions, etc., and I’m angry that these issues are a result of one more sociopathic exposure. Perhaps, being angry is preferable to being “sad?” I dunno at this point.
Hugs
Trtuhspeak/buttons, I remember your name and you posting, thanks for refreshing my memory of your story. It really is difficult to keep them all straight. I’m glad you are back here though.
You are so right the “system” needs to be changed and I agree 110% with you. I’m sorry you didn’t get any more help than you did. Witty is in the same boat as well. There was some poster here who came here with a 12 year old she was afraid of, and she hasn’t posted in a long time. I wonder about some of these people when they “drop off” the board and stop posting….have they given up? what happened to them?
I hope that your younger son can finally come to see what his brother is. My two other sons, my adopted and my biological son, have both finally come to see what Patrick is and have cut ties with him…unfortunately though my biological son is not living up to the standard of honesty that I require in people I deal with so I am essentially NC with him as well. (that was another painful kettle of fish) but I am coming finally to resolution with that as well.
Angry is OK so if that is what floats your boat right now, go for it! It is all part of the process. Keep on reading and learning and venting as necessary. You will get through this one as well! (((hugs))) and God bless.
When my son was pretty young, maybe 6 or 7, we went to an ice cream parlor near us for supper one night.
The place was staffed by teens and they were all consumed with what looked like a really nice kid sitting there very distressed and heartbroken. He was in tears.
His parents had locked him out of the house and he had nowhere to go that night. From what I gathered, the parents were drinking and drugging or something like that.
I was sorely tempted to take him home with me, but I didn’t know the circumstances and with my son being that young, I wasn’t going to risk anything.
I said a lot of prayers for him. I honestly didn’t know what else to do or how to help.
I was temping at a lawfirm at the time. One of our attorneys specialized in CHINS (Children in Need of Services.) I asked him what I could have done. He said that a lot of kids have parents who do that to them.
Those kids are known as “Castaway Kids.” It’s the parents who are screwed up and they think it’s nothing to throw the kids out or lock them out of the house. It’s the parents’ version of “tough love” (ha, ha.)
The attorney said if I ever encounter a situation like that again, to call the police and they would call DYCF. They would have protected the kid from spending the night on the street.
I have never forgotten that poor kid. Every time I drive past the ice cream parlor, I think of him and wonder how things turned out for him. I hope one of the teens working there came up with some sort of solution.
G1S or, he could have been a budding psychopath coming up with a SOB STORY to get his friends to feel sorry for him. That’s the thing, you never know. My son has scammed his friends and their parents into believing that I threw him out for NOOOOOO reason and he needed rescuing…..so you never know. The attorney’s advice was good. That’s the problem with being a “helper type” you get scammed by the psychopaths because you want to help….been there and done that…GOT A CLOSET FULL OF TEE SHIRTS. Give me a sob story and I’m first on the block to volunteer to be their victim, to help them out. and worse yet, to then expect them to fend for themselves and get a job….I’m so unreasonable….but am trying to learn better.
I realized that was a possibility, which is why I didn’t offer to take him home.
In this particular case, he came across as genuinely scared. Terrified would be a closer description. Of course, that could have been due to his parents finally calling him on his stuff.
I thought that there might have been more than just the two options – stay out of it or take him home. I’m glad the attorney gave me a third.
G1S,
When I caught Patrick roaming the streets one night (not a first offense) in the ensuring discussion he karate kicked a couple of my ribs in and took off, I called the cops and reported him as a run away (that saved my bacon in Florida when he stole a motorcycle while on the run) anyway, he convinced one of his friends parents that he was an abused child (he was 5’7″ and muscled up) by his single mother…someone how they got him a ticket to Arkansas and he convinced my egg donor to take him in. she was mad at me for moving to Dallas anyway so against my will she took the little darling in.
I did not speak to him or her for over a year during this time. She put him in a private school, bought him a car, and he used the car to start a “steal it to order” business…when the cops got on to him but didn’t quite have enough evidence to arrest him, he decided he wanted to come home and live with me again. In the meantime I had married my long time friend (20+ years) and we were planning on moving to Florida.
This is just another one of those things that I “pretended never happened” with my egg donor. The last time I brought it up to her she said “Oh, your daddy wanted to give him another chance” (lip quivering here) which I know IS A BALD FACED LIE—it was her, not my step dad. Daddy was “oh to” Patrick long before any of the rest of us were. He didn’t make a big point of it, because he was smart enough to know that there are just some things you have to learn for yourself…and about Patrick was one of those things.
I remember when Daddy was dying, I had begged Patrick to write daddy a letter of apology for a gun he stole from him back when he lived with egg donor and Daddy when he was a teenager, (which he had always DENIED DENIED DENIED) and he wrote this letter that blamed the theft on his friend Steve, but said he SHOULD have told on Steve so he was really at fault and he was sorry….Daddy read the letter and made a SPITTING SOUND as he threw it on the ground. I watched Daddy do this and I wanted to DIE with SHAME that Patrick wouldn’t at least own up to the theft…of course the shame was PATRICK’S NOT MINE, but none-the-less I FELT the shame for my son’s refusal to even tell the truth to his dying grandfather. To this day it makes tears come to my eyes to think about what a piece of shit my son is….how my daddy loved him so much and he repaided him with thieving and lies.
Oxy ~ you know what is astounding to me is that while we know each other’s “main stories”, there are dozens and dozens of these little “side stories” just buried somewhere in our memories, waiting to be told. Oh, yes, there are plenty that, when remembered, still bring tears to our eyes.
My daughter stole from my Dad, also. Sad part is if she had asked, he would have given her anything she wanted. Under oath, in court, she stated the money she stole was an inheritance from her Grandfather. Thing is, he was still alive.
During the 5 years she was NC, my Dad died. I did not notify her because my Dad made me promise I wouldn’t. She was livid when she found out years later. Not to mention he was in a nursing home for 4 out of those 5 years and she never bothered to check to see how he was.
Sad, very sad
Yea, Milo, I know what you are saying…I will never ever forget that SPITTING sound as he flung the letter to the wind…we were sitting on the back porch when he read it. I picked it up and read it and I wanted to DIE on the spot…just have the earth swallow me.
I had begged Patrick to tell him he was sorry…I knew Patrick had stolen the gun, but I told him, “Please, even if it is a lie and you didn’t take the gun, ADMIT IT and say you are sorry, just to give him some peace”—Nah, he couldn’t do that. LOL I realize what I did now was wrong…to tell Patrick to say “sorry’ when we both knew he wouldn’t mean it. LOL But I was so devastated by daddy’s death I jsut wanted him to be at peace about Patrick. Actually, I think he had come to accept what Patrick was many years before that and come to peace with his disappointment.
I love that her testifying it was her inheritance when he was not dead. LOL Under oath yet! LOL ROTFLMAO
Made me think of another one my egg donor pulled on me, back when we were actually on “good terms” and my dad’s sister died. She had been very close to me when I was a kid and actually was the reason I went into nursing…and when her memorial service (family only) was held, egg donor didn’t tell me about it until it was over. She said “well, I didn’t think you’d be interested in coming” and I was livid, and I said to her “well, you could have let ME decide that” I realize now it was just a snipe but at the time I didn’t think she did it “on purpose” but I realize now she did it “on purpose.” Just like she “read my mind” and knew I would “throw a fit” when I found out she loaned the Trojan horse the money to buy a truck so that made it OK to lie to me. LOL
Yea, lots of side stories…endless side stories. But yet, all the same. Lies and more lies to cover up the lies.
I have a few for you.
My P sister stole. When she was a teen, she bragged to me how she’d take a $10 or $20 bill from my mother to buy something, like milk, and “forget” to return the change to my mother.
One exasperating day, this “too nice to tattle on anybody” sister told my mother was the P had said she was doing.
My mother got that Cheshire cat sneering smile on her face and said, “Oh, what’s the big deal? She can keep the change.” This is when $20 was a lot of money and milk cost less than $1. That was a lot of change she was keeping.
However, my mother insisted that I count back every penny of change due her, if I had run an errand for her, saying that’s what her mother did, made her accountable for every cent. (I wonder if my grandmother knew what she was dealing with?) And she would do it in a humiliating manner, making sure that she watched while I put it back in her wallet.
When my P sister attacked us, in part because she found out that my mother had been loaning money to me to help me keep my house and pay for health insurance, she initially told me that I was cutting into her inheritance.
I am sure that they conferred with an attorney on this one, because they changed the loan to I stole the money from my mother or somehow swindled it out of her.
My P sister then told me that was all the money that I would ever get from my mother, “That IS your inheritance.” Even then I knew how preposterous that statement was since it wasn’t her money and my mother still isn’t dead.
Finally, my brother, who also borrowed money from my parents to get his businesses off the ground, was required to pay back everything. I know this because my mother told me how much it amazed him that he kept his word and paid back every cent.
My father had also helped my brother out with one of his businesses by giving him a lead that led to one of the biggest contracts that my brother had ever gotten.
However, my brother treated my father like garbage. Lots of dumb reasons why. I believe the underlying reason, based on things that my brother said, was he was angry that my father didn’t stand up to my mother. He thought my father let my mother walk all over him. My father wasn’t a “real man” in my brother’s eyes.
The last time that I saw my father alive, we got to talking about my brother. He hadn’t been to visit my father even though he lived about an hour away. I, on the other hand, had managed to travel from RI to Florida to see my father. I said something about how I was sad that my brother hadn’t seen my father when he lived so close.
Now here’s a man, bedridden, and barely able to move. I got such a look filled with contempt (probably the only time in my life I ever saw that in my father.) He looked me right in the eye and said, “Don’t worry. I’ll take care of him.” I had no idea what that could mean.
Three or four days before my father died, about two months later, and we knew he could any day, my brother finally shows up to visit my father.
He walks in to see him and wasn’t with him even five minutes when my father’s tube became clogged and needed to be drain. My brother left the room so the nurse could take care of my father. That was the last time they ever saw each other alive.
It’s what happened next that is interesting.
I spoke with the nurse on the day that my father died. I had asked her if any of my siblings had been present. No, they hadn’t.
She told me about my brother and then added, in amazement, “I asked your father if he wanted your brother to go back in to see him after I finished cleaning his tube. Your father shook his head no – fiercely. He didn’t want to see your brother at all. Your brother left.”
I laughed. My father showed my brother all right – on his deathbed.
Change “escort” to “flight attendant” and this could be my x-spath: home made porn videos, multiple liaisons, lack of empathy, acting as if nothing happened…
While I have no direct evidence of his being paid for sex, and he was too old anyway, I do have some indirect evidence he was involved in the “sex industry” at some point.
In addition, there was some indirect evidence he may have been arrested for a sex crime too.