I recently heard from a man, whom we’ll call “Jeff,” who wanted to know if the woman he was involved with, “Amanda,” was a sociopath.
It started as a friendly involvement, with Jeff trying to help Amanda out. Amanda, who was from a foreign country, called Jeff her “best friend.” Jeff eventually started to have feelings for her. But then came a series of unsettling experiences:
- Amanda made pornographic videos, which were posted on the Internet.
- Amanda worked as an escort. Jeff offered to pay her rent, so she wouldn’t have to be an escort, and Amanda agreed—and continued being an escort anyway.
- Then Jeff asked Amanda to sign a contract promising that she wouldn’t be an escort. She signed it—and broke the deal again, with absolutely no guilt.
- Amanda claimed to be struggling financially. Although Jeff wasn’t well off, he gave her money—and then discovered that Amanda sent a large sum of money back to her home country.
- Jeff discovered Amanda was having multiple liaisons, often on the same day. One guy was married, one was a “sugar daddy,” and several were her “best friend.”
- Other men were also paying her phone bill and rent.
- Jeff stopped taking her calls, but did communicate via email. They agreed to get together to “talk things over.” Amanda cancelled.
- When they did finally have a conversation, Jeff thought Amanda’s words sounded hollow. He also realized her words were used for manipulation, not for communicating the truth.
- Jeff stopped talking to Amanda. But he knew that if he contacted her again, she would be nice and friendly, as if nothing ever happened.
So is Amanda a sociopath? I think so, and that’s what I told Jeff.
His next question was, “What are the most glaring indications that she is a sociopath?”
And that brings us to the point of this article: The most glaring indication of sociopathy is not any particular trait or behavior, but the overall pattern of traits and behaviors.
Sociopathy is a syndrome. What exactly does that mean? Here’s the Dictionary.com definition:
Pathology, Psychiatry . a group of symptoms that together are characteristic of a specific disorder, disease, or the like.
So, although Amanda is an escort, it doesn’t necessarily make her a sociopath. She took advantage of Jeff, but that doesn’t make her a sociopath. She had multiple sexual relationships, but that doesn’t make her a sociopath. Her words sounded hollow, but that doesn’t make her a sociopath. And, if Jeff and Amanda ever talked again, she would act as if nothing happened, but that doesn’t make her a sociopath.
Amanda is a sociopath because of her overall traits and pattern of behavior, including promiscuity, entitlement, manipulation, exploitation, breaking agreements, lying, shallow emotions and lack of remorse. All of these characteristics, taken together, add up to character disorder.
You know, I’ve been givign some THOUGHT to the concept of financially “responsible” psychopaths. My husband used to be the private pilot for several (not at the same time) very famous and very wealthy men…several of these men, I would qualify as VERY high in psychopathic traits…but they ran their businesses well and were wealthy. They cheated on their wives, drank like fish, cheated in business if they could get by with it..etc.they might not have been Charlie Manson but they were more like “Bernie Madoff” They were “trailer trash with money” actually. Several of them were movie star/singers and others were business moguls. And one was Richard Nixon. (I guess I can mention him by name since he got outed and left office)LOL
Dear Divorced from Gaslighter,
In answer to your question about sociopaths being able to save, yes they can.
Mine was an executive and we saved and didn’t spend more than our means. So we had a good amount of savings when we divorced.
When I met him, his house was in foreclosure and he had lost a business. I think it was something shady. Anyway, I believe he can’t manage money, I did the bill paying, but he didn’t spend extravagantly.
This didn’t make him any less dangerous, by the way. He liked the cover of being ‘every man’. That way he seemed so humble. He didn’t have outward grandiously. He was crazy smart and sneaky as hell. Every thing he did was controlled, he didn’t even burp or pass gas because he had to be in control at all times.
The only slip of his mask was a small smirk when he pulled the wool over someones eyes or manipulated someone. My therapist called the control thing and smirk, convertly aggressive and sociopathic behavior.
So yes, they can save money and make money. But they do get outed at some point by the people they’ve abused and that usually means loss of their executive position. They will manipulate until the day they die and as long as someone buys into their crap, they think they’re a winner.
After all the crap mine has pulled, he asked me out for coffee tomorrow, like nothing happened. “Hi, hope all is well with you Hopeforjoy, do you want to visit over coffee?”
Let’s see, you tried to institutionalize me, sexually abused our daughter, I have PTSD from emotional abuse and fearing for my life, I’m still not sure if he is abusing our son, and you want to have a freaking cup of coffee?
Dense idiots. They’re like the village idiot emotionally.
I digress, sociopaths run the gambit when it comes to being savers, most are moochers though.
Oxy,
Some do make and save money, but I don’t think it lasts. They all seem to have a downward slide at some point and never fully recover. In my humble opinion.
On a side note, I saw a bumper sticker last week that said “TOWANDA!” There was a guy driving the car, go figure. It was really neat to see that sticker and made me smile.
WOW, Hope4, if I find a bumper sticker like that I will buy it and proudly put it on my truck. I have one now that says “My border collie is smarter than your honor student” LOL I miss my doggies.
Last summer when son d brought home the little “house hound dog” I really didn’t want another dog, especially in the house, but it would be terrible around here now without her since Bud is gone. she is so funny.
How are you doing girlfriend? Have missed you!!!
Oxy,
I miss you too! I’m doing so well. I am grateful for all the good things in my life and I’m trying to get more involved with life and activities.
Son broke down sobbing on Sunday night, a lot of things came out when he was upset and I’m glad he finally started feeling instead of avoiding. He said that he couldn’t believe his dad would hurt anyone, he was crying so much when he said it.
This is a good sign actually, he probably knows that there is something wrong with dad but can’t get himself beyond that point. Cognitive dissonance.
Daughter is accepted to the college she wanted to go to and half of it is paid because she got an honor scholarship. I’m so proud of her!
She thinks she may be gay and I wonder if it’s because she doesn’t trust heterosexual men anymore. She knows herself and I have faith that she will find her way no matter what path she takes.
I am so glad to have the bad man out of my life. He asked me to coffee tomorrow, what an ignorant jerk.
The struggles seem manageable and I’ve been seeing a therapist who actually gets it. Gosh it’s nice.
How are things with you? You seem very peaceful and content. Your posts are so wise and I love your contributions.
I would love to visit with you when daughter goes to college, have a girls weekend sort of thing:)
I hope that you post here as long as you are able because your advice in invaluable.
Hopeforjoy: My ex was capable of MAKING money, and he always paid bills on time and was very proud of his stellar credit rating. (If you have a wallet full of credit cards, charge stuff all the time, but make every monthly payment in full and on time, your credit rating will be MUCH higher than that of a person who has one credit card and uses it infrequently and then pays the bill off in full within a month.)
His problem was that he refused any kind of budget. He was of the opinion that the solution to big bills was to increase your income, NOT to try to scrimp and save. His refusal to budget had the practical result that my wages were sucked into the credit card payments, either directly or indirectly. I was free to save money in a savings account, and watch my savings grow, but at some point there would be an “emergency” and he would withdraw the money without telling me, and use it to pay down some of his credit cards.
Nobody who knew him would have guessed that his personal finances were as out of control as they were. That’s why I wondered if other people on this board had had experiences with people who were full-blown sociopaths BUT had a genuine ability to manage money carefully OVER THE LONG TERM.
The classic sociopathic pattern seems to be that of always seeking something for nothing. My ex told me over and over that my goals of financial stability, good schools for the kids, and a nice house were going to be met, but FIRST we had to reach his personal goal of X, Y, or Z. My goals were always postponed, his goals were always the goals that were actually being achieved.
Even after our divorce, he was making a ton of money, and paying almost nothing for child support, yet he accumulated nothing.
Hopeforjoy: I did the weight loss program online (free) at settingcaptivesfree.com, and the same website has other free programs for people trying to quit smoking, or give up pornography or alcohol, and there is at least one program there that is for people struggling with sexual issues. It is very definitely a Christian program, so if your daughter is not open to that, then just ignore this suggestion, but the weight loss program did help me with some food issues.
How old is your son?
Divorced from GL,
My son is 16 years old. My daughter is 18. She wouldn’t be open to that because she isn’t Christian. She is a good soul though and I know she’ll find her way. She went through a lot with her unhealthy father and has no contact with him now.
Divorced from GL.
I was watching Dr. Drew tonight and he talked a little about food issues and childhood trauma. He wished more was talked about the trauma that so many experience as children.
Hopeforjoy:
I loved your post at 10:24PM, May 1.