The sociopath’s imperturbability has been widely noted. However, this is a generalization, not true of all sociopaths in all situations.
A sociopath around whom the net is closing, who recognizes that he’s played his last card and finds, alas, that the game is ending and that he faces inescapable consequences—sociopaths in this circumstance may feel forms of perturbability, like anxiety and worry.
But in situations where he perceives his security (however unrealistically) to be relatively unthreatened—especially where his grandiosity and sense of omnipotence remain relatively intact—the sociopath can be curiously imperturbable.
Imperturbable, that is, in the commission of his violating acts, as well as in the subsequent striking sangfroid with which he’ll brazenly perpetuate his deceit even when confronted with his flat guilt.
How do we explain this?
First, I pose a question: Have you ever played a really cruel practical joke or, if not, witnessed one (with enjoyment), that left its victim torturously duped, perhaps even mildly traumatized?
I’d suggest that the mindset involved in conceiving and executing such a prank, even the mindset (as a witness) involved in merely enjoying it, is temporarily rather sociopathic in several ways.
I stress temporarily because nonsociopaths will inhabit this state of mind only briefly and experimentally, and then, on the assumption that any suffering the prank causes its victim will be experienced as relatively fleeting and superficial.
But I use a “practical joke” analogy because I think it describes somewhat accurately the sociopath’s basic perspective in the world. Life, for the sociopath, is something like a big stage on which to perpetrate forms of ongoing deceit to suit his shifting agenda for comfort, convenience, tension discharge, and other gratifications.
After all, at the motivational heart of the “practical joker” is the driving question, Can I pull this off? This is a question, among others—a kind of perpetual carrot, if you will—that compels sociopathically-oriented personalities.
And the socopath’s response to this implicitly posed question is felt, if not implicitly answered, as, “Of course I can pull this off! I can pretty much pull anything off! Watch me do it! Watch me get away with this!”
In other words, the sociopath’s cocky faith in his powers of chicanery nicely captures his inflated grandiosity and sense of omnipotence. To put it even more basically, the sociopath thinks he is good, really good. And in inverse proportion to how smart he thinks he is, he thinks that you are just as stupid.
This is the sociopath’s signature contempt, and let us not underestimate it: You are as stupid as he is smart.
In the end, the sociopath ultimately takes neither you, nor anyone, seriously. And it’s not that he chooses not to respect people. It’s not that he’s unwilling to take others seriously. It’s that he can’t. And make no mistake: his inability to take people seriously, in an authentic way, is a core aspect of his disorder.
Does the nonpsychotic sociopath, intellectually, know right from wrong? This is a frequently posed question, to which the answer is yes. Intellectually, the nonpsychotic sociopath is usually well aware that his behaviors are exploitive and violate legal and interpersonal laws and boundaries.
But the point is, he just doesn’t care. The sociopath just doesn’t take these laws and interpersonal boundaries seriously, because he doesn’t take you, or others, seriously.
And so this is where his imperturbability enters. When you don’t take others seriously; when, on some level, others are a joke to you; when a malignant contempt pervades your view of others, then you can have your way with them, you can use them for whatever purposes suit your immediate agenda. Moreover, you can cause them pain and outrage as you seek your own ends unburdened by normal feelings of responsibility, accountability and guilt, because you don’t just don’t take them seriously.
So you’re caught in a lie? So you’ve been busted? Big deal. So your denials are preposterous? Big deal. Let’s remember, you are slick and smart enough to convince any stupid person to disbelieve the indisputable evidence of your guilt!
And even if you can’t persuade them to give you a pass this time; even if they’ve busted you cold this time, and your normally reliable glibness doesn’t spring you from the present trap, so what? After all, there’s no shame or embarrassment to be busted by someone you don’t take seriously.
And so the sociopath’s imperturbability, in this light, can be seen as a natural byproduct of his malignant disrespect of, and contempt towards, others. It is a pathological imperturbability, not an admirable, enviable one. His is not the imperturbability of a “cool cat,” or an enviably placid temperament, or the imperturbability that can derive from a certain hard-earned wisdom, confidence and perspective.
No, the sociopath’s imperturbability is that of an emotionally, interpersonally sick individual who, at bottom, has no true emotional stake in others.
And so finally, in his relationships with others, what he stands to lose, through his exploitation, is felt to be as superficial, and dismissable, as anything he stands to gain.
(My use of male gender pronouns in this article is for convenience’s sake and not to suggest females aren’t capable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted © 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Thanks Oxy – I have tried several meds and they worked as they should have ie numbed the pain. I find though that this just prolongs it and recognise that this reaction to what has happened is NORMAL 🙂 Human beings shouldn’t be betrayed by those who purport to love them – that is abnormal. And repeated betrayal is just devastating – it ruins your faith in humankind.
I was just looking at some books on PTSD and one looked like an intelligent take on it – it outlined that there were three causes of trauma in main – deliberate man caused trauma, accidental man caused trauma and natural disaster. It said that the worst to recover from is deliberate man caused (human caused it meant) trauma as this is the one that causes victims to lose faith in the basic goodness of the world and trust in their fellow humans. I agree with that take. It had a table that outlined various types of trauma and I was delighted to see that emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse were included for once as well as the usual surgery, accident and earthquake.
So my brain is going over and over something it can’t quite reconcile in an effort to understand it – that’s my take on it. I remember the same thing when I was grieving for my lost one – I would sit up till three in the morning reading online night after night after night – it was an obsession. I wish there was a weekend workshop to help us heal from this – some kind of ritualised way to kick start the healing process.
You are dead right about cutting unworthy people out of our lives. I have done the same and it has helped me quite a bit. My life is a bit lonely but I would rather have few friends than friends that use and cause drama – that would be like the whole situation repeating all over again. I couldn’t handle it this time. I don’t have time for it.
Being around good people I recognise as healing. I remember reading somewhere a research proposal for propolanol (wrong spelling I am sure) combined with travel for survivors – the drug stops the intrusive memories and thoughts and the travel forces the brain to carve out new networks rather than relying on the old ones that contain the triggers. I would love to do that but have great fear about leaving the familiar behind – probably this is to do with the anxiety as well. I haven’t been good to myself – putting everyone else ahead of myself is what got me into this mess so I need to start nurturing me for a change.
I will have a think about the therapy and look into who is available in my city – from memory nobody has specialist knowledge in this area nor in the area of abuse. I am definitely sure I don’t want to take meds though. I am wondering whether taking something natural might help with calming down the system – I might look into herbal remedies for anxiety. That might be the way to go.
Thanks for sharing your experience Oxy – half the battle is knowing it is normal in these situations. And hearing from other people helps immensely in that respect. I hope you are continuing to nurture yourself after the big hurt you went through recently – very glad you had a special friend you could just go and ‘be’ with – it makes life so much more bearable!
SisterSister,
Hello! Again you have written profound words that seem to echo my exact thoughts and situation in life.
I will also confess to feeling a bit lonely lately. Me, a decided, enthuastic introvert is lonely. It bothers me to feel like this. It goes entirely against my life philosophy and faith, my inner strength and independence to feel like I’m missing something germaine in my life.
Also, compared to the harrowing ordeals the LF members discuss, it seems so silly to complain about not having a loving, giving and caring mate in my life. I know I’m super blessed and I never take it for granted. Yet…well, you understand.
But as you wrote with crystal clarity…”but I’ve come to observe that I have lost a kind of intimacy I should have had.” BINGO! Once you have researched, studied your brain off regarding predators aka cluster Bs, their traits and performances, their evil machinations in a decided effort to educate yourself, there is no more room for illusions.
You don’t rip off those rose colored glasses that gave the world a false fairy tale glamour; they fall of their own will and crumble to dust.
But I will never regret learning the truth, the reality of who and what walks the world with us. Ever. And I also will never regret discovering who I am, flaws and all. I love me though not IN love with me. And the consequences of liking/loving oneself is an intolerance for any more bullchit. Plus, I’m spending the finite energy I do have on nurturing myself than screwing around with drama addicted fiends.
And, sweetheart, you’re too real, too candid to ever be a narcissist. Ain’t gonna happen. You see the world in all it’s horror but don’t forget about the balance. There is so much glory and beauty and love and kindness and generosity that dispells the evil. Kills it in it’s tracks.
You only need to look and see with newly innocent, yet wise ole eyes, heart, mind and spirit to witness it.
I do. Every day. In a myriad of ways. Countless sources of goodness and beauty revealing themselves before me.
Life is good. No, life is GREAT. All’s you gotta do is touch it, reach out for the good, the light, and it will be there.
Peace, Love and Joy to you, SisterSister…
🙂
Thanks Kathy – you are spot on that I understand it intellectually but not emotionally – it is still dissonant with my whole being. I can understand the WHY and the HOW but not the WHY ME and WHY DIDN”T I GET OUT. So my teaching to others is a brief overview of what I know at the moment about abuse and abusers and targets- it’s not designed to be the be all and end all but rather a springboard for anyone who has been there or is there to find some more information based on what vocabularly I give them. Part of the problem is not knowing the words to google!
I don’t include much about recovery because I don’t know much about recovery – I do highlight the importance of journalling and having support though. It’s such a complex field and like every other area of knowledge every theory is contested by another. At the moment my understanding is rudimentary – that this phenomenon afterwards is both emotional and bodily stored and experienced, it has to do with stress hormones and chemicals as well as bad memories and it is complex to recover from.
I have been through this obsession once before that I can recall. I am trying to remember how long it took me to get through it the first time and my heart is plunging as I remember it took YEARS not months. I wouldn’t say I am totally out of the first one and some of it in fact is colouring this one – because now I see the first trauma in context – in the middle of the larger abuse trauma and I am angry all over that there was no point to either of them but his convenience and his entertainment.
So writing about resentments – and just resentments – that’s probably the one area I haven’t written much about yet. I have written about the factual accounts of what happened and how I felt about it – well what I can recall anyway. I have big holes in my memory and what stands out when I look back are the dramas as punctuation marks in an otherwise perhaps unremarkable relationship. But it always was remarkable – there was always the undercurrent of the abuse – unacknowledged and denied. I guess I just don’t want to write about the same thing happening day after day – there was really never any change to the pattern.
It does feel like a big deal and yes I have people – lots of them telling me I should be over it by now. I just can’t though and you’re right – it feels so horrible to be here after taking the brave move of ending it and resolving that life would be much better. It’s insult to injury and very hard to take. It makes me feel as I did then = abnormal as though I have a horrid secret that nobody else could possibly understand = as though this experience sets me apart from the rest of humankind. I don’t relate to people the same and have to force myself to socialise.
So ok I am going to take your nudge and try the resentment idea – before even doing it I have a nasty feeling the resentments are going to be identical to those suffered in childhood …
(((midlife))): you didn’t deserve this treatment and pain, either in childhood or now. not ever. never.
nope.
could you use the format of the other weekend retreat you did to write an outline for yourself?
you know- we have no choice, and only opportunity in taking this long healing road. for me the word commitment keeps going through my mind in the last few weeks. I too lack some of the resources I need, inside me and outside of me. sometimes i don’t know how i will get committed (nooo joke intended) to this process. some days i am in the dark. but the days that i am not, i seize it. i suck up every good impression i can. we need that. there has been too much messy and ugly and just plain shit.
today’s bad joke: I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any. 🙂
hugs,
one step
sistersister, I see myself in everything you write. Even the advice to eat more alkaline foods. I keep a big bottle of Tri-Boron on my desk, and I’m waiting on my first shipment of maca to see how that works on my hormones and my mood.
You were talking about light at the end of the tunnel. With love, intimacy and acceptance. I had to go through a big grieving process about being attractive to men, after I got out of this relationship and discovered (under the auburn dye that covered a little streak of grey on my forehead five years before) that half my head white, my skin had aged a decade, and oh yeah, I was 55 and lost in grief. So I was suddenly at the end of a 30-year marathon of serial monogamy without the slightest preparation.
And then, of course, I had to learn all this stuff about taking care of myself and let go of being everyone’s perfect Barbie. And not having the foggiest idea of how to relate to a man if I wasn’t fluttering my eyelashes and signaling surrender. (Oh this is all so embarrassing to admit.)
Eventually I figured out that authenticity brought me into conversations with a whole new class of people. Really interesting people, but still no “juice.” And the truth is that I really don’t know how to do the slow-build, gradual trust relationships that I know are the right thing. There’s a part of me that still wants instant intimacy.
But here’s the light at the end of my tunnel, at least where I am now. I’m discovering that there are all kinds of incremental high points along the way. Last night I had a unbelievably great conversation with someone who is in the midst of changing his own life. This guy is in no shape to be getting involved with anyone right now. And I’m probably not either. But we connected, and it was amazing.
I walked away, thinking with a sigh that it was too bad he was so self-involved. Then I laughed at myself. I’m so self-involved these days that whatever I say to anyone else, I figure out the next day that I was saying it to myself. I don’t think there’s room in the room for me and anyone else right now.
I think (I hope) that at some point we just get over ourselves, and start getting more interested in the rest of the world. And that’s when things will start getting really interesting. Because we’ll be open again. Because we won’t make everything about me, me, me. But after going through all this, we also will be really int touch with our feelings, so we don’t have to suffer for for years or weeks or even minutes before we realize something isn’t good for us, and move on.
So, I think we’re getting there. And in the meantime, there are those great conversations with other people who are changing their lives.
Kathy
midlife, sometimes we talk about a period of obsessing over things. My take on it is that we’re getting ready for getting angry. A lot of us don’t do that naturally, so we have to pick at it for a while to try to figure out how we should be responding to it.
I had a pretty long time in the beginning of just feeling battered by painful feelings and snapshot memories and sometime feeling like he was actually in the room, haunting my life. And all I wanted was a nice, neat “story” I could tell people and tell myself about what happened. But try as I might, I couldn’t boil it down to anything less than a litany of confusion and aggrievedness about how mean he was to me.
And then finally, I got into this weird little thing about talking to myself about whether he was a “bad guy.” Because I don’t like to judge people, and this was a pretty extreme judgement. But if he were a bad guy, then I didn’t have to care anymore about trying to keep my thoughts about him in the “nice” range. And then, after spending God knows how long figuring out the official criteria for bad guys, and then figuring out if he matched it, I finally gave myself permission to stop trying not to judge him. And then, at last, I started to get mad.
And by that time, having matched him to the official bad guy criteria, I had a lot to get mad about. I think I make things more complicated than they need to be sometimes. But I never gave myself permission to get mad at someone before, not like that, so it took a little doing.
You know how I’m always talking about the angry phase (and the people who are in the angry phase are always getting mad at me for talking about it)? It’s something you have to go through. It’s really important for a lot of reasons.
But for you, right now, one of the best things is that it does change your brain chemicals. Gets you out of the dark and swampy victim mindset into a whole new, blazingly well-lit point of view. It’s part of a larger process, and you won’t be angry forever, but you’ll be surprised at how much you like it when you get there.
And you deserve it. You have every right to be angry. You were screwed over and treated as though you had no value and your life had no meaning, except what that person could use you for. That’s a terrible thing to have to live through.
A big hug —
Kathy
LTL,
Just catching up on this thread and read one of your posts ‘way up there’, where you talked about getting sexual very quickly. I totally agree with you that one way of weeding out LOTS, but not all of these twerps, is to keep our clothes on! This would have sent the last one packing for sure.
Midlife, i can’t really begin to know what you and so many others are going or have gone through. i can only recognize somthing that i myself experienced to compare it too.
The closest thing to it is how i was bullied as a child. i was really tended to and sheltered by my parents and family. i thought since my parents and relatives and family friends loved and accepted me that everyone would too. then i went to mainstream school with regular kids and found that wasn’t true. for the longest time i had no real knowing of the concept of cruelty. i knew the word and the definition but had no real understanding of what it actually was or meant until i experienced it myself as a child being alone and bullied.
The Temple Grandin movie hit me hard in this aspect reliving how people have treated us. i am so aware of my child and while she is perfection to me. it’s the rest of the world i’m worried about and her place in it. I fear how much of the world would be very unfriendly to them if i allow them out of the safe haven i have built for them both.
i wish i was like my wife who can hear someone refer to her as a walking vegetable and not blink an eye even though she understands every word. i flinch for her. the words bite me to the core. But she moves on without feeling it, never really internalizing the cruelty of the world around her.
our doctor stated once there was something psychopathic about it, i flinched from his remarks not liking his association at all. but he explained about how some things don’t get to them both. they don’t feel the same things others feel. they seem to be always detached from it, which was why he said it was called autistic psychopathy once. there have been tests made, autism running in families is studied extensively, some genes have been looked over, brain scans and the such, some areas of the brains seem affected in the same places, looking remarkabley similar with just very subtle differences. high threshold for pain, and some other similar issues presented.
But my wife and child are highly moral creatures. no one knows where they got it from, it wasn’t something that was taught to them, my child non verbal while the simplest concepts are so difficult to her, she taps a YES and NO button to answer questions and was seen to be a highly moral child before she could get anyone else to teach her anything else, it was like highly ingrained inside of her before she was even fully aware of the world around her.
it was a different sense of morality, a simplestic one, standing up against every social pressure, unflinching, unbending and pure. they can hurt you some if you are not careful, they are sensitive to a person’s soul, but not their egos. they’s always keep your soul and spirit safe, egos are something else altogether, they’ll trample on that as they are unaware of it.
how do i keep them safe from this ugly, cruel world built on so much lies? i want society to value them as i do but i can’t force that to happen. i broke when people laughed at me, not understanding why, i fill with rage when people laugh at them, wanting to protect them from it, even as they move around without a sound or a care. there’s something stronger than ten men altogether in them both. unnerved and unbending, unflinching and brutal. they are not gentle though they are true. they are not kind though they are just. they are merciful to your soul but they will never cater to anyone’s egos. I nearly fear they don’t belong here in this world that just isn’t prepared for the likes of them.
i’m reading a book now by Jodee Blanco Please stop laughing at me”, http://www.jodeeblanco.com/ as i come to terms with old wounds that have not healed yet. Kathy’s posts about adult issues coming from childhood issues brought me back to when i suffered for the first time cruelty by others. The world turned out to be a completely different place than what my parents raised and prepared me for. like being just, decent and unselfish all these things, what does it all mean when those things didn’t seem to mean anything in the REAL world?
Lieing, betrayal, disrespect that’s not things people that love you do. that’s cruelty. and no one deserves cruelty. it happens, it’s around us everday, we watch it on the news, but it doesn’t mean we deserve it or have to accept or ever get used to it. it’s never going to feel ‘right’ because it isn’t ‘right’…
there are way too many bad people in the world that do very bad things to us, and too many others apathetic to it all. But that is not the way the world should be. and it’s hard to get to a place where the world should be. this isn’t some accidental thing, some environmental issue, some act of nature. cruelty isn’t natural. we should not tolerate malice.
i used to feel like i was some genetic mistake, some freak of nature, some pod person from the invasion of the body snatchers left on the wrong planet. but the world as it stands is a poor reflection of what it should be. and we do break because of it. because what IS isn’t natural. What IS shouldn’t be…
Oxy says “NO LIES is number one on my list. Not 2 or 3 lies then out, but ONE lie and OUT! I don’t need anyone like that in my life.
NO dishonesty of any kind with anyone. No criminal record, no DWIs, no infidellity with your first wife, no stealing from your employer, no cheating on your taxes, no cheating of any kind and no excessive drinking, drug use, etc. If that sounds too harsh, too bad…”
it’s not too harsh, if my wife lied to me i could not be with her any longer, because she would no longer be the person i thought she was. there are many other issues that makes living with her strenuous at times. but some of it is just harmless stuff that she can’t help, like me coming home to homeless people that she has brought home for dinner or they insisting on wearing mismatched shoes. but those things are some of the things i love about them. idiosynchronicities that i’ve had to get used to sharing my life with other people that i love and respect. some discomforts you just get used to being around people you love, like in the Temple Grandin movie where Temple couldn’t tolerate being touched but got used to having her blind friend attached to her arm. Some discomforts you tolerate when it’s someone you love.
lieing betrayal and being hurtful and disrespectful, having a poor moral character, that’s not just some discomfort a person should tolerate because we love them. They are intolerances… it should be automatic but when one is taught these things as a child, it has to be readdressed, because people grow up into adults and relive it it’s never going to feel ‘right’ no matter how many times it repeats itself…
Well my night thoughts today. so much powerful stuff that people are going through. so much people have to recover from. will we all get there? or do we wait until we get to that place my wife and child spend their time in? That reality where things are really as they should be. the place where every prayer has been answered and every dream has come true…
Mike
Dear Mike,
I think it is a FACT of life that people who are “different’ or don’t fit the stereotypical “everyman”—whether it is because they are “fat” or “short” or “tall” or “dumb” or Stutter or whatever makes them stand out from the “norm” suffer abuse from some other children.
Schools are working on this with the “anti bullying” policies, yet still there can be more subtle forms of this devaluation that cut to the core of the child’s self esteem.
I’m glad that you agree with me on the “no tolerance” policy of tolerating dishonesty in others within our “inner circle.” I realize that my entire life I have tolerated some pretty nasty treatment from those who “loved” me and couldn’t figure out why being “nice” to them didn’t get me “nice” in return. I realized much of my “toleration” of this devaluation of myself from those I “loved” was because I was taught this as a child as part of my “family responsibility.” NO more!
I’m looking forward to seeing the movie on Temple, my friend is taping it off HBO since I don’t have cable. She watched it and said it is WONDERFUL. She has always been one of my heros, and I use a livestock handling facility that is designed by her for humane treatment of livestock. She has revolutionized the handling of livestock all over the world. Great woman!
Wow, I have not gone back and read all the recent posts, but came on LF tonite to vent in my safe place about how the bullies always win. And then thought, lets read a little bit of the thread first……….
So I will vent a bit. My bully is about to win. Unless I am prepared to put everything into it, and risk bankruptcy if the courts award him costs, unless I can find and prove and so on, despite the picture I have painted, of a man that can’t even tell the truth on his DRIVERS license, that don’t matter. I can prove he took, and that’s all. So I am going to lose. And what I have been soul searching about is how much of this is pride?
How much of this is hanging on to some vestige of something that no longer matters?
Yes, the minute, and I mean the MINUTE I sign on the dotted line, he literally, and figuratively sails off into the sunset. And I do not.
So my question to y’all is , is this about justice? And does it matter? Should I fight this fight, on principal? Not out of blind vindictiveness, can’t let go, I’ll show the bastard, but cool calm steady relentless quest for justice? And, having done so, so far should I now give in?
It will not be pretty. I am still in his movie. This is NOT N/C.
And then you realize how the bullies always win. They get off Scott free and win awards and prizes and accolades. And us empaths are left to tend the fires and save the seeds and offer a touch of sentiment, for the ones that run the show.
What keeps me going are new heroes that I find, in music and speech and all kinds of places. And I feel we are witnessing a period of history where the groundswell of empaths will defeat the small minority of S’paths, truelly, an epic event is looming.
It can be a holocaust or a renaissance, and the feeling I get is that the bulk of the world is ready on every level for a rennaissance. A beautiful awakening, a stepping back from the madness.
The question to me is how will I do my part? On how many levels. And does my own personal S’path count?
I know the awnswer is no..but still…
P.S. Oxy, Kathleen, LTL and many many more…love you and your courage..