The sociopath’s imperturbability has been widely noted. However, this is a generalization, not true of all sociopaths in all situations.
A sociopath around whom the net is closing, who recognizes that he’s played his last card and finds, alas, that the game is ending and that he faces inescapable consequences—sociopaths in this circumstance may feel forms of perturbability, like anxiety and worry.
But in situations where he perceives his security (however unrealistically) to be relatively unthreatened—especially where his grandiosity and sense of omnipotence remain relatively intact—the sociopath can be curiously imperturbable.
Imperturbable, that is, in the commission of his violating acts, as well as in the subsequent striking sangfroid with which he’ll brazenly perpetuate his deceit even when confronted with his flat guilt.
How do we explain this?
First, I pose a question: Have you ever played a really cruel practical joke or, if not, witnessed one (with enjoyment), that left its victim torturously duped, perhaps even mildly traumatized?
I’d suggest that the mindset involved in conceiving and executing such a prank, even the mindset (as a witness) involved in merely enjoying it, is temporarily rather sociopathic in several ways.
I stress temporarily because nonsociopaths will inhabit this state of mind only briefly and experimentally, and then, on the assumption that any suffering the prank causes its victim will be experienced as relatively fleeting and superficial.
But I use a “practical joke” analogy because I think it describes somewhat accurately the sociopath’s basic perspective in the world. Life, for the sociopath, is something like a big stage on which to perpetrate forms of ongoing deceit to suit his shifting agenda for comfort, convenience, tension discharge, and other gratifications.
After all, at the motivational heart of the “practical joker” is the driving question, Can I pull this off? This is a question, among others—a kind of perpetual carrot, if you will—that compels sociopathically-oriented personalities.
And the socopath’s response to this implicitly posed question is felt, if not implicitly answered, as, “Of course I can pull this off! I can pretty much pull anything off! Watch me do it! Watch me get away with this!”
In other words, the sociopath’s cocky faith in his powers of chicanery nicely captures his inflated grandiosity and sense of omnipotence. To put it even more basically, the sociopath thinks he is good, really good. And in inverse proportion to how smart he thinks he is, he thinks that you are just as stupid.
This is the sociopath’s signature contempt, and let us not underestimate it: You are as stupid as he is smart.
In the end, the sociopath ultimately takes neither you, nor anyone, seriously. And it’s not that he chooses not to respect people. It’s not that he’s unwilling to take others seriously. It’s that he can’t. And make no mistake: his inability to take people seriously, in an authentic way, is a core aspect of his disorder.
Does the nonpsychotic sociopath, intellectually, know right from wrong? This is a frequently posed question, to which the answer is yes. Intellectually, the nonpsychotic sociopath is usually well aware that his behaviors are exploitive and violate legal and interpersonal laws and boundaries.
But the point is, he just doesn’t care. The sociopath just doesn’t take these laws and interpersonal boundaries seriously, because he doesn’t take you, or others, seriously.
And so this is where his imperturbability enters. When you don’t take others seriously; when, on some level, others are a joke to you; when a malignant contempt pervades your view of others, then you can have your way with them, you can use them for whatever purposes suit your immediate agenda. Moreover, you can cause them pain and outrage as you seek your own ends unburdened by normal feelings of responsibility, accountability and guilt, because you don’t just don’t take them seriously.
So you’re caught in a lie? So you’ve been busted? Big deal. So your denials are preposterous? Big deal. Let’s remember, you are slick and smart enough to convince any stupid person to disbelieve the indisputable evidence of your guilt!
And even if you can’t persuade them to give you a pass this time; even if they’ve busted you cold this time, and your normally reliable glibness doesn’t spring you from the present trap, so what? After all, there’s no shame or embarrassment to be busted by someone you don’t take seriously.
And so the sociopath’s imperturbability, in this light, can be seen as a natural byproduct of his malignant disrespect of, and contempt towards, others. It is a pathological imperturbability, not an admirable, enviable one. His is not the imperturbability of a “cool cat,” or an enviably placid temperament, or the imperturbability that can derive from a certain hard-earned wisdom, confidence and perspective.
No, the sociopath’s imperturbability is that of an emotionally, interpersonally sick individual who, at bottom, has no true emotional stake in others.
And so finally, in his relationships with others, what he stands to lose, through his exploitation, is felt to be as superficial, and dismissable, as anything he stands to gain.
(My use of male gender pronouns in this article is for convenience’s sake and not to suggest females aren’t capable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted © 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Matt:
I wish I could take you out to your favorite restaurant for a really great meal, to take your mind off of this “one-year anniversary”.
And, I’m not a sociopath, so when I say I would take you……that means I would actually pay….with my own $$$.
Blueskies:
“kiss eye make-up”
Not the eye make-up!!! Anything but the eye make-up!!
The eye make-up is hard to fix. I feel your frustration…..darn snow.
(learnthelesson says:
Mike said
“Lieing, betrayal, disrespect that’s not things people that love you do” ”“ Agreed. But it made me think further”
Is that something that people who DONT love themselves do? Is it something within people who havent learned to love themselves AND who havent bonded, connected with others choose to do? Is there something that these people DONT have in them that enables them to do it? )
be so this not Mike answering he be so ask of mineself. be some of us answer. be so they be some been born into themselves like this, be so some were created into thus direction, be so some have chosen to be thus empty, be so how they come about be so irrelevency to ourselves. be so what they are now that be issue. the actions and intentions be all that is in the here and the now. all we see separate from their yesterdaylands which be but another story altogether and will have naught to do with todays story. they naught cry for our pity or our compassion as we not have it to give to nothingness, thus they will always move on to you…
they seek not healing, they seek not to change, they seek not a cure. we naught listen to their lies but look into their souls, that we come up empty is all that matters. some perhaps be born without, some be so the soul vacated at some point, some be so the soul not attached itself so firmly. be so none of that matters when we look. if there be nothing there, there be nothing there. we be not in the interest of feeding delusions.
(Learningthelesson:Like we DONT have in us to do what they do?)
Everyday peoples DO have in themselves to do what pretender breeds do, be so all that is in ourselves is also in the everyday breed, be so all that is in the pretenders also sparks in everyday peoples. many chose not to, while many chose to, some do in certain situations, some do not in other episodes. be so dependant on the season of that everyday soul, which way they will turn. never we can say for surety which way for certain an everyday breed will turn. like a flip of a coin in everyday breeds it can go either way. unpredictable be so everyday breeds. With such fascination we watch you.
be so while pretenders be simple creatures that there be only one way they always go.
naught we waste our thoughts on pretenders when everyday peoples much more interest to us in their ambivelence. everyday peoples state of “in between” states. sometimes they can be selfish, sometimes they can be charitable, sometimes cruel, sometimes kind, sometimes, weak, sometimes strong.
There be in everyday peoples their ‘sometimes’ in pretender mode and their ‘sometimes’ in true form. everyday peoples fickleness is not much understood. be so you a particular inbetween breed. be so sometimes much a noble creature of grace, be so sometimes just as ugly as the pretender.
we know where we stand with pretender, be so they be predictable in their nature to us. Half a thought is all it takes to understand them. be so not an interest we have to overthink and create more than what is. there simply isn’t much to nothingness.
(Learningthe lesson: Is it so cut and dry that these people are intentionally dishonest, disloyal and disrespectful?)
Yes.
(learningthelesson: Im in no way APATHETIC to these souls, )
Souls? be so since when pretenders be souls? they be pretenders. they be so just the pretence of souls, they be so choked their souls out of those bodies some time ago by the choices they made. they be the pretence of love. there be nothing but pretence because they have naught souls, so pretence be all they have to give for nothingness which be their true form. Some child peoples are salvageable from this abyss, some are not. everyday peoples are always redeemable. pretender breeds are wasted effort.
perhaps be so some have a longago memory of a soul in the memories of created ones, but the memory of having a soul once, be not not enough to carry that emptiness around. souls naught rest easy in some and in inner conflict long ago and then they be gone. be so a mother may mourn for a child that long ago died, but naught having no peace she be having because the physical shell still walks the earth.
(learningthelesson: and I am in no way looking for excuses for them- Im strictly wondering, the formation of them ”“ we just say the reasons they do what they do is because they can —)
No, not because they can, be so because of what they be, or have chosen to be, and thus they can.
(learningthelesson: thats not enough for me ” so I ask and ask and ask”once I get past the shock and pain and hurt and disgust is it something people do who dont love themselves? And therefore have absolutely no problem doing it to others)
be so some naught love themselves, be so some love the freedom of the emptiness of themselves either way either version will do that and more (if allowed) to you, yours and others. be so the only reason many do not outright kill be but no more than it be not in their best interest to be so confined if caught. they be only destroying what they can because of the fear of your total physical destruction would mean to them. but rest assured if this not be a punishing society, many would have left a carnage of bodies in their fold. be so your spirit be nothing more than the next best thing to some, and to others be so one physical killing be sudden and final, spirit killing be so a continuous sport.
Des
Des –
Wow. Powerful strong comments. Reading your answers made a lot of sense, a way I never really viewed so black and white and only one way to view them and be able to accept it and that be that.
I am trying to understand how come we dont say this about mentally ill people or autistic people or OCD people (who were born differently) but when given an opportunity to be on medication or therapy they go in a different direction in life. I know there is presently no cure or therapy or treatment – and I am not spending wasteful time overthinking or creating more than what is by giving this thought – just my minds curiosity of why are they exempt from having a reason/a birth defect/a disability and so many other diagnoses do.
Why is it I want to believe not ALL of them are so cut and dry?
Why is it I dont want to believe that ?
When I try to compute it so all encumbering as you put it – I have a wrongful feeling in my soul — or fearful feeling — if what you are saying is true for ALL OF THEM. Maybe I fear the truth?? Or maybe I feel there is more to it in terms of whats missing in them and WHY.
Did some choose to be mentally ill or choose to be autistic or choose to be OCD or as you say choose to be a Sociopath?? Or was there something different in the “creation” of all the above. Also, yes it does not matter from an everyday point of you – they are what they are — but I do wonder how everyone came to be and why some, with proper help and treatment – can be given the choice to become the best they can be.
What you say, explain makes perfect sense. I may just need time to digest it and accept it or agree with most of it, but not ALL of it.
Thank you Des. Very informative. Very raw and real answers
be so learning the lesson,
we can not see no other way, be so not wanting to. be so like the pretender breed we feel no need to change. they be what they be as we be what we be. and we not get much in each others way.
be so we not consider evil an illness. nor illness evil. sometimes the soul seems to only sing for some only while in madness state. one can be ill and still their soul sings healthy and strong.
be so there be some pretenders be much, by a defect in the way they be born, but we lose no sight of the fact that if given that ‘magic’ pill most will choose not to take it.
the exception being those incarcerated that will chose to take the magic pill simply as an act of self interest, (wanting out of jail) but most will not. those you seek be so far and few between we not give it much thought…
be so in most there be a choice, freedom of will takes a great part of what is their reality. be so there be the one point in times where the will and choice to fight the inclination and a will and choice to give into the inclination took place. be so we content this be the most of the many we be seen.
many not strong enough to fight the inclinations and have naught proper support from the society which disposed them until their conditions and thus be so lost. but that still be a choice.
be so many everyday peoples be souls that happen to have the challenges of bipolar, schizophrenia, autism, and other such issues. but at the core they be souls. alive still. singing inside. still there to touch, why they be haveing these struggles we know not. sometime they know and sing and strive in spite of all.
the pretender breed be such we have seen that we not know what be the cure for evil. we know not what be the cure for a shell that be so like walking death. what be the cure of a body holding nothingness. we be not given the answers ‘why’ to this. just the means to recognize evil and recognize walking death and recognize nothingness.
be so it would be good for some of you to pray for these, as we do not. our compassion is much conditional.
des
Des says –
“be so in most there be a choice, freedom of will takes a great part of what is their reality. be so there be the one point in times where the will and choice to fight the inclination and a will and choice to give into the inclination took place. be so we content this be the most of the many we be seen.
many not strong enough to fight the inclinations and have naught proper support from the society which disposed them until their conditions and thus be so lost. but that still be a choice.”
You make much sense Des.
I lost compassion for them long ago. Understanding them or wanting to – is self-driven on my part. Not in a distracting way – just in how they fit in the world of so many personality disorders and that there is no treatment. I guess the question remains are they all without souls or are their souls damaged, suppressed/shut down by circumstance or choice. Again it does not matter – as the final outcome – is always destruction and evil ways.
It only matters in terms of whether or not early intervention, if any at all would make a difference on their choices and ways in life… such as is the protocol for so many personality disorders or diagnoses in this world.
Is there a way to teach compassion?
Is there a way to teach caring about others?
Is there a way to teach morals?
Is there a way to teach love?
Is there a way to teach healthy choices?
Is there a way to teach trust so as to understand what it is to be trustworthy?
I guess yes, but only to those who choose to want that. How do we know that ALL of them dont want to be taught or be given proper support or that they dont yearn to learn about how to fill ones soul and bring ones soul alive again or for the first time?
Im sure the answers are very simple. But I dont mind sharing that I struggle with the answers – either because of fearing them – The answers – being Evil lurking all around us – or shells so like walking death of bodies holding nothingness surrounding us – and there is no way to help them in the world – just step around them and let them hurt others who are unaware.
i know not. i have had feardom in me for some days. much warned i be so mine nurses daughter. be so her husband dangerous pretender. be so i tell her come here. mine aunt be killed by pretender. be so i smells this particular breed. no one listens to mad crazy autistics. always ignored. be so i say to her not to go to him. be so i smells the stench of the evil workings. what be the point? what be the point? why be so god allow mineself to come here if naught i can do naught to change anything?
be so last night mine nurses daughter be so killed. it would be on the news tonite. she was but 23 years old. and had a 22 month old daughter. be so he not come to mine space but i could not protect mine everyday peoples.
i could never protect mine everyday peoples.
i could never protect mine everyday peoples.
be so destroy them all. be so i plead god’s hand of judgement strike them all down. destroy them all. leave nothing behind. may any everyday people crying in their defense go with them. may the hand of god come down already.
i see things and can do nothing.
i hear things and can do nothing.
i know things and can do nothing.
i can never protect mine everyday peoples.
Des,
Im so sorry. That is so very sad and awful. Yes there are extreme violent and murderous dysfunctional criminal ones in this world.
You can protect yourself. Your children. Your husband and those that have the ability to listen to you and hear you and understand you.
You can enlighten others who CHOOSE to listen.
We can all bring awareness – and those who choose to protect themselves can and will.
You are here for a reason. Thank you for talking with me and giving me insight through your perspective and with your wisdom and gift of protecting me just a little bit more tonight.
-Learning The Lesson
Des, years ago when I was doing hands-on healing work, my teacher said to me, you cannot force someone to heal. You can add energy, but they will do what they will do. We can’t know what is best for them.
You do what you do, with this great gift you have. You say what you know.
But it is not you who cannot protect them. It is they who are on their on paths.
This is hard, but it’s true.
Being gifted is a sometimes an awful burden. To see what you see can be a wonderful thing, when you can share the information and be heard, and it helps. But when you have to hold it alone, and watch a bad thing happen that could have been avoided, if they had listened, that is a terribly hard thing.
I’m sorry for what you must be feeling. Sorry for your nurse too. And the child. We grieve with you and send love.
We are all working on this. Together we will make a difference. I believe this.
Kathy
http://www.wsvn.com/news/articles/local/MI143346/
they be so looking for him. mike and the others be so go to the morgue to identify the body.
i have no words.
autisticsouls,
Des, so much of what you say is so very thought provoking for me to read. Tears streamed down my face when I read your first post to learnthelesson.
Much of what you have said was very cut and dried and very, very powerful. I am still trying to take much of it in. To absorb it. But it is very, very painful for me to absorb…….Because I am looking at this from a mothers perspective. I am still in a place where I have so many questions of this disorder.
It is one thing to experience the disorder in an adult and it is quite another to experience it in an adolescent.
And so, I ask myself many, many questions. I still struggle with the hows and the whys?
When it is your own flesh and blood you can’t help yourself.
One of the most profound things I have had to accept is that not only does my son not seem able to give love, he seems
unable to RECIEVE it. He doesn’t feel it when someone loves him. To me, that is very, very sad. Is that by choice? Or is it just “it is what it is.” Like alcoholism, or bipolar, or any number of things.
My son doesn’t live in reality. He has his own perception of his reality. He lies and he believes his own lies. He has grandious ideas and a grandious sence of himself and he believes that he IS what he percieves himself to be.
The thing is Del, he DOES believe HIS perception to be real and true. And he believes everyone elses perception is off.
Sometimes he will say something that actually scares me to death. Its not that what he says is threatening, I don’t mean that. (although he has said some threatening things)
But the things that really have scared me the most, its not so much what he actually said but the fact that he believes what he is saying.
And what I struggle with is the fact that his perception is what he percieves it to be. And although it is so way off, and so far from what IS real and true, he does live in this reality.
But I’m not sure if his reality is a choice or if it is all he has.
I am not making excuses for my son or anyone else with this disorder. Because everything that is “missing” in a person with this disorder they can create so much pain w/o ever blinking an eye. And much of what they do to create this pain seems to be by their own free will. So it is hard to feel compassion for this.
But I still can’t help but ask myself if it is because they can’t give something they don’t HAVE?
It does seem that they are very empty inside themselves with many of the things that we take for granted. The ability to love and feel compassion and empathy and make good choices.
But I have a hard time thinking that it is a choice to be this way. Any more than it is a choice to have any mental illness.
He is my son and I love him. But I also can not overlook what seems to be missing in him, the things that I wished he had. I also can’t overlook what I do see in him. The disturbing traits and the reality of what I do see.
And as his mother I can’t protect him or change him or help him. I can only accept this to the best of my ability. And I am trying to detatach from him in a way that a mother shouldn’t have to. Because this is a very painful road to travel.
I don’t so much try and understand it, as much as I used to. But some of it I have to try and understand, to be able to co exist with it, and grieve for my son. Because alot of grief is involved in the acceptance of this.
Del, I do believe that you are a gifted human being. And that is not an easy road to travel either. I wish that you knew my son and you could tell me what you see in him.