The sociopath’s imperturbability has been widely noted. However, this is a generalization, not true of all sociopaths in all situations.
A sociopath around whom the net is closing, who recognizes that he’s played his last card and finds, alas, that the game is ending and that he faces inescapable consequences—sociopaths in this circumstance may feel forms of perturbability, like anxiety and worry.
But in situations where he perceives his security (however unrealistically) to be relatively unthreatened—especially where his grandiosity and sense of omnipotence remain relatively intact—the sociopath can be curiously imperturbable.
Imperturbable, that is, in the commission of his violating acts, as well as in the subsequent striking sangfroid with which he’ll brazenly perpetuate his deceit even when confronted with his flat guilt.
How do we explain this?
First, I pose a question: Have you ever played a really cruel practical joke or, if not, witnessed one (with enjoyment), that left its victim torturously duped, perhaps even mildly traumatized?
I’d suggest that the mindset involved in conceiving and executing such a prank, even the mindset (as a witness) involved in merely enjoying it, is temporarily rather sociopathic in several ways.
I stress temporarily because nonsociopaths will inhabit this state of mind only briefly and experimentally, and then, on the assumption that any suffering the prank causes its victim will be experienced as relatively fleeting and superficial.
But I use a “practical joke” analogy because I think it describes somewhat accurately the sociopath’s basic perspective in the world. Life, for the sociopath, is something like a big stage on which to perpetrate forms of ongoing deceit to suit his shifting agenda for comfort, convenience, tension discharge, and other gratifications.
After all, at the motivational heart of the “practical joker” is the driving question, Can I pull this off? This is a question, among others—a kind of perpetual carrot, if you will—that compels sociopathically-oriented personalities.
And the socopath’s response to this implicitly posed question is felt, if not implicitly answered, as, “Of course I can pull this off! I can pretty much pull anything off! Watch me do it! Watch me get away with this!”
In other words, the sociopath’s cocky faith in his powers of chicanery nicely captures his inflated grandiosity and sense of omnipotence. To put it even more basically, the sociopath thinks he is good, really good. And in inverse proportion to how smart he thinks he is, he thinks that you are just as stupid.
This is the sociopath’s signature contempt, and let us not underestimate it: You are as stupid as he is smart.
In the end, the sociopath ultimately takes neither you, nor anyone, seriously. And it’s not that he chooses not to respect people. It’s not that he’s unwilling to take others seriously. It’s that he can’t. And make no mistake: his inability to take people seriously, in an authentic way, is a core aspect of his disorder.
Does the nonpsychotic sociopath, intellectually, know right from wrong? This is a frequently posed question, to which the answer is yes. Intellectually, the nonpsychotic sociopath is usually well aware that his behaviors are exploitive and violate legal and interpersonal laws and boundaries.
But the point is, he just doesn’t care. The sociopath just doesn’t take these laws and interpersonal boundaries seriously, because he doesn’t take you, or others, seriously.
And so this is where his imperturbability enters. When you don’t take others seriously; when, on some level, others are a joke to you; when a malignant contempt pervades your view of others, then you can have your way with them, you can use them for whatever purposes suit your immediate agenda. Moreover, you can cause them pain and outrage as you seek your own ends unburdened by normal feelings of responsibility, accountability and guilt, because you don’t just don’t take them seriously.
So you’re caught in a lie? So you’ve been busted? Big deal. So your denials are preposterous? Big deal. Let’s remember, you are slick and smart enough to convince any stupid person to disbelieve the indisputable evidence of your guilt!
And even if you can’t persuade them to give you a pass this time; even if they’ve busted you cold this time, and your normally reliable glibness doesn’t spring you from the present trap, so what? After all, there’s no shame or embarrassment to be busted by someone you don’t take seriously.
And so the sociopath’s imperturbability, in this light, can be seen as a natural byproduct of his malignant disrespect of, and contempt towards, others. It is a pathological imperturbability, not an admirable, enviable one. His is not the imperturbability of a “cool cat,” or an enviably placid temperament, or the imperturbability that can derive from a certain hard-earned wisdom, confidence and perspective.
No, the sociopath’s imperturbability is that of an emotionally, interpersonally sick individual who, at bottom, has no true emotional stake in others.
And so finally, in his relationships with others, what he stands to lose, through his exploitation, is felt to be as superficial, and dismissable, as anything he stands to gain.
(My use of male gender pronouns in this article is for convenience’s sake and not to suggest females aren’t capable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted © 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
One Step….
Take a Deeeeep Breath. Release. Again….That is the same thing we do with anger. It arises and we release it. We let it out.
There might come a time when you do decide to “out” her. But right at THIS moment you need to direct your energy for yourself. Because it will take alot of energy and time to formulate a plan, if that is what you decide to do.
First WIN yourself back. A bigger and better, and healthier, One Step.
Think of THAT as getting one over her. Remember one step at a time….First things first. You come first.
Onestep,
I am amazed at your capacity to connect with this anger and outrage. And I believe it is a really good thing. And I hear how much you want to DO something, direct and clear, with this anger.
I have been there. And I have taken covert, but none-the-less clear and direct action myself. I took the opportunity to deliver a wounding blow. And it did have an impact. As far as I know, and as much as I am willing to ‘track’ this individual to protect my heart/life.
But given that, what I did MORE of with my disgust and outrage, was exercise, walk, dance, sweat, pound, lift weights. MOVE the energy OUT. If you are so motivated and able I found movement was extremely helpful in processing anger and angst. So that it had less effect on my sleep, my overall health.
If you ever want to know what I chose to do by way of sabotage, and warning others’, ask Donna for my email, and we can talk off site.
Slim
slim – i am and i will.
witty – i thank you for your care and wisdom.
and witty – i have been formulating a plan for months. i used my obsessive thinking time to hone it.
Steve: This article has spoken to me more loudly than any other on lf – do you have any plans to expand on it?
best,
one step
Hello everyone just catching up to posts, I’m so far behind, this is Mike
Kathy thank you so much for helping me through this week. i really felt you here along with us. Des has been a little shut off and i guess i can understand that. thank you erin and cat and ltl, somehow something good must come of this, if anything can.
there will be no chance of parole and in florida they are seeking the death penalty…
i don’t know how i feel about that since i’m morally against capital punishment, two wrongs don’t make a right. Murder is wrong and planning on someone to die is premeditated murder in my book. i just can’t reconcile the whole of it. considering that throughout this des is going all old testament on me on this topic. (we’re jews, but i always liked jesus, and we aren’t really religious although we follow the traditions somewhat) Des, in great contrast to me, seems more inclined to an old fashioned stoning. i would hope she would be joking, but she doesn’t joke, so she’s not.
the investigators told us all that they would be seeking the death penalty which left me uneasy. i mean just lock him away from life never to live amongst society ever again, but death penalty? i asked Des you really okay with that? to which she answered “be so i’ll bring the popcorn.” which threw me off some because she wasn’t kidding on that either.
i guess it’s harder for her. she is not so accessable to people, she has a limited number of folks she cares deeply about and allows within reach and they seem to drop like flies around her lately. which is an exageration but having two caregivers brought down by murder I guess it is difficult to not be affected. not to mention we need a new nurse for a bit. so our routine is all off. Autistics and their routine. it’s near sacred.
but i’m fooling myself though, des has always had a extreme outlook on them (pretenders), murders or not. things were always black and white to her, all or nothing. right and wrong, good and evil.. very little grey areas. she did not enjoy tv programs like Lost or Battlestar Galactica because of how the characters would be seen in different lights, everyone has done things they are not proud of, or have given into frialties, at some point or another or have risen to the occasion to somehow redeem themselves… it’s the whole human experience…
not that this situation is anything more than simply horrific, the murder was planned, the room decorated as in a early Valentines gift filled with flowers and wine and candles made up like a funeral… a St. Valentine’s funeral. ‘O’ knew she would die in that room, he had psychologically tortured her this way as well as physically tortured her, and yet if we have the means to lock such a person away for life, where the rest of society will be safe and his freedom taken away for life… isn’t that enough?
i can not reconcile the death penalty concept, i feel i can not be responsible for another human’s life to be taken. des reminds me of the story of amalek (talk about getting all old testament on me, i wasn’t kidding)
The story goes about the nation of Amalek, Amalek, the tribe that attacked the Israelites from the back as they traveled across the desert. Amalek is considered to be the paradigm of evil, the archenemy of the Jewish people… That the nation of Israel is commanded to eradicate in Deut. 25:17-19… Amalek’s entire existence is based on the non-existent. Therefore, we are to treat Amalek as they believe: we treat them as if they are a freak of nature, an anomaly never intended to exist, and therefore, under the laws of nature, subject to destruction, relegated to the realm of nothingness. That not even the memory of the nation of Amalek should exist…
Which is really extreme to me. but i wonder if des really feels that way and if so to how much of an extent? is she talking out of pain? or do i need to hire a body guard to keep her in line? is it me taking things too asperger syndrome literal?
It was some time after her aunt was killed by some pretender that another pretender was brought to our home by Des’s sister, her boyfriend. he didn’t do anything. Okay, so it turned out that he wasn’t who he said he was, and we later found out he was guilty of mortgage fraud and was recently arrested for loan modification fraud, and perhaps other stuff he was into that he didn’t want to be hashed out so he never pressed charges… But Des just went at him, if i didn’t get in the way i don’t know what would have happened to him. she still got to him though with such ferocity i can’t even describe now. it spooked him/me something awful.
Now no one is allowed into our home until she meets them first outside and checks them out with a thorough sniff down. no kidding.. think bloodhound sniffing up your butt. she does this. except with her sister’s ex and that domestic violence Killer guy it was a quick reaction, best described as like ‘hate’ at first sight, she went off the deep end, eye’s wild, growling and hissing. that Killer guy wasn’t in her territory so she never had a go at him. she’d known he was dangerous. knew it but he moved away from her and she stepped back from him, breathing heavy, nostrils flaring. but each eyeing each other warily like any moment they were going to throwdown. i had to tug at her and shove her into the car because any sudden move he made and i knew she wouldn’t hold back. Our nurse was so spooked, eyes wide and shaken by Des’s reaction to him, she had backed up from him staring at him like she was seeing him for the first time. I apologized for Des but she said no, she was okay with Des.
He hadn’t been afraid of her really just seemed undecided to either challenge her outright or to back off. you could have cut the tension and hatred between them with a knife the air was so thick. he stopped playing at being friendly then. and just changed his demeanor completely towards everyone…
i have to wonder though, and am having her go to a therapist to talk to her about stuff because it’s like i’m wondering how safe is she going to be if she truly feels the nation of amalek must be destroyed? i don’t take the bible literally and just wonder whether she does now?
I’m just hoping she moves past this. thinks of us as a family that needs her. and comes back to us. Leave Amalek to G-d to deal with. i just need my wife and our child needs her mother. we’ll be safe. she can keep US safe. she knows them. that is certain. she can smell them out. but she mustn’t go after them. let the florida justice system take care of him/them. show me which children carry the trait so we can work vigilantly to turn it around and save them from that inclination. let’s live and bring good to the world. don’t let them taint us. Don’t let them make us ugly. Don’t proclaim war on them. we can’t win that way.
As a precaution i put signs out on our door, “forget the dog, worry about the owner.” “no trespassing”. and “tresspasser’s will be shot” (although we have no arms) and a hand written one stating by des, “No pretenders allowed. Seek not to enter here, Be so you suffer the dire consequences if you so overlook this rule…”
i just think (and hope) that it’s been a horrific week and it will take time to get back to ‘our’ normal…
Mike
Onestep, Looking forward to connecting with you….Slim
Mike:
“i asked Des you really okay with that? to which she answered “be so i’ll bring the popcorn.”
As sad as it is to admit…..I laughed out loud with her bluntness! I’m sorry Mike…but I’m with Des on this one.
When it comes to murder and crimes against children…..let me at em!
I understand peoples quandry about the death penalty, and this isn’t the forum to get too deep with it….
I look at it two fold….and I am not religious, so that is out of the equation.
1. financially. WHY do we have to pay to keep them in medical care, housed and fed along with cable tv and internet and all the perks they get in prison? (So many on the ‘outside’ are not afforded these luxuries)
2. If criminals knew ‘we’ meant business…..they may think twice about commiting the crimes…..if not…they know they are going to die.
I also think our death penalty should be ‘updated’…..like in Iraq…..when convicted….get rid of em quick.
I say….shoot em dead when they are seen commiting the crimes….right there, boom! No costly trial, the families can move on in thier grief and not be subjected to their loved one being TORN apart in the trial etc…
So…..yeah….my views are harsh…..but look at the crimes we all live around every single day!!!
Keep it together Mike….my heart is with you. Your a brick!
Slim – have emailed Donna.
one step