The sociopath’s imperturbability has been widely noted. However, this is a generalization, not true of all sociopaths in all situations.
A sociopath around whom the net is closing, who recognizes that he’s played his last card and finds, alas, that the game is ending and that he faces inescapable consequences—sociopaths in this circumstance may feel forms of perturbability, like anxiety and worry.
But in situations where he perceives his security (however unrealistically) to be relatively unthreatened—especially where his grandiosity and sense of omnipotence remain relatively intact—the sociopath can be curiously imperturbable.
Imperturbable, that is, in the commission of his violating acts, as well as in the subsequent striking sangfroid with which he’ll brazenly perpetuate his deceit even when confronted with his flat guilt.
How do we explain this?
First, I pose a question: Have you ever played a really cruel practical joke or, if not, witnessed one (with enjoyment), that left its victim torturously duped, perhaps even mildly traumatized?
I’d suggest that the mindset involved in conceiving and executing such a prank, even the mindset (as a witness) involved in merely enjoying it, is temporarily rather sociopathic in several ways.
I stress temporarily because nonsociopaths will inhabit this state of mind only briefly and experimentally, and then, on the assumption that any suffering the prank causes its victim will be experienced as relatively fleeting and superficial.
But I use a “practical joke” analogy because I think it describes somewhat accurately the sociopath’s basic perspective in the world. Life, for the sociopath, is something like a big stage on which to perpetrate forms of ongoing deceit to suit his shifting agenda for comfort, convenience, tension discharge, and other gratifications.
After all, at the motivational heart of the “practical joker” is the driving question, Can I pull this off? This is a question, among others—a kind of perpetual carrot, if you will—that compels sociopathically-oriented personalities.
And the socopath’s response to this implicitly posed question is felt, if not implicitly answered, as, “Of course I can pull this off! I can pretty much pull anything off! Watch me do it! Watch me get away with this!”
In other words, the sociopath’s cocky faith in his powers of chicanery nicely captures his inflated grandiosity and sense of omnipotence. To put it even more basically, the sociopath thinks he is good, really good. And in inverse proportion to how smart he thinks he is, he thinks that you are just as stupid.
This is the sociopath’s signature contempt, and let us not underestimate it: You are as stupid as he is smart.
In the end, the sociopath ultimately takes neither you, nor anyone, seriously. And it’s not that he chooses not to respect people. It’s not that he’s unwilling to take others seriously. It’s that he can’t. And make no mistake: his inability to take people seriously, in an authentic way, is a core aspect of his disorder.
Does the nonpsychotic sociopath, intellectually, know right from wrong? This is a frequently posed question, to which the answer is yes. Intellectually, the nonpsychotic sociopath is usually well aware that his behaviors are exploitive and violate legal and interpersonal laws and boundaries.
But the point is, he just doesn’t care. The sociopath just doesn’t take these laws and interpersonal boundaries seriously, because he doesn’t take you, or others, seriously.
And so this is where his imperturbability enters. When you don’t take others seriously; when, on some level, others are a joke to you; when a malignant contempt pervades your view of others, then you can have your way with them, you can use them for whatever purposes suit your immediate agenda. Moreover, you can cause them pain and outrage as you seek your own ends unburdened by normal feelings of responsibility, accountability and guilt, because you don’t just don’t take them seriously.
So you’re caught in a lie? So you’ve been busted? Big deal. So your denials are preposterous? Big deal. Let’s remember, you are slick and smart enough to convince any stupid person to disbelieve the indisputable evidence of your guilt!
And even if you can’t persuade them to give you a pass this time; even if they’ve busted you cold this time, and your normally reliable glibness doesn’t spring you from the present trap, so what? After all, there’s no shame or embarrassment to be busted by someone you don’t take seriously.
And so the sociopath’s imperturbability, in this light, can be seen as a natural byproduct of his malignant disrespect of, and contempt towards, others. It is a pathological imperturbability, not an admirable, enviable one. His is not the imperturbability of a “cool cat,” or an enviably placid temperament, or the imperturbability that can derive from a certain hard-earned wisdom, confidence and perspective.
No, the sociopath’s imperturbability is that of an emotionally, interpersonally sick individual who, at bottom, has no true emotional stake in others.
And so finally, in his relationships with others, what he stands to lose, through his exploitation, is felt to be as superficial, and dismissable, as anything he stands to gain.
(My use of male gender pronouns in this article is for convenience’s sake and not to suggest females aren’t capable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted © 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
One Step you make perfect sense all the time!
“The imperturbable aspect of the P/S/N/’s can, when done well, really resemble stoicism, strength, cool, unflappable”and I think that they get a huge amount of mileage from that—
True again!
My ex S woman can sleep like a baby all of the time. Although she needs Ambien and she sleep walks and night binges on food! The big cow is probably big as a house right now. But she is so comfortable living her existence while almost ruining mine 3 different times in my life. It’s business as usual with these clowns. Nothing bothers them. But I look at this imperturbable aspect as part of the cycle they go through. it’s what makes them go into the Bored part of their cycle I think. When said S woman gets this way I can almost see her hovering over a bug and playing with it until she loses interests, then flicks the thing across the room and goes about her merry way. That Bug is me of course. And every other single person who was in my role in her life.
renewedhope –
it’s really painful, isn’t it.
it’s like a time of inoculation – wherein we badmouth the hot burner, so that we get-it-through-our-thick-skulls-not-to-touch-it-again.
Right on one step et all, And perhaps one of the most frustrating displays of imperturbability, is when they are completely flat, emotionless, and impenetrable, when confronted with an absolute bold faced lie, or a huge and obvious failure on their part.
When they refuse even a glimmer of remorse or contrition. Makes you crazy. And in time, if you keep harping on it, you do look like the crazy one. They have :let it go” they like to “think positive” they like to “move forward” etc etc.
My first big crack in the fairy tail (after having ignored countless little fissures) was a major betrayal that I won;t go into- suffice it to say it involved moving the family from our entire support base when my kids were young. Took me years to finally find out the move was not because of whatever reason he had pushed, but to flee a huge debt.
Well the betrayal and rage I felt at having been manipulated like that, of him usurping my rights to be part of the decision based on an honest account of the situation etc. was almost unbearable. I desperately wanted to leave, but of course he had me convinced we were “broke”, my kids were still in high school etc etc. So I dragged him to therapy. Where he was also unflappable.
And sure enough , two different therapists suggested I “move on” forgive and forget etc etc. Stop dwelling in the past, that is over now.? OVER? You totally disrespect me and lie to me for TEN YEARS on thousands of occasions to keep up the lie??? and I should move on?
In the hands of a good spath, therapists too can be dangerous. The one that I really liked saw me first, then agreed to see us both ( at my stupid request) then HE decided he needed to see her. Clever way to steal my shrink, and I believe TOTALLY unethical on her part. He dropped her within weeks, but of course she was no longer available for me. It boggles the mind that they actually think this stuff strough just to weaken us. Blech….
Anyhow, it took me eight more years to get out, and still I had to walk away with nothing.
Another great article in in the LF archives is about the Spath and their game of cat and mouse. Toying with their victim. Sounds like we have all been there.
Peace to all,
Dear Ox,
You hit on something that really resonated with me when you brought up the fact that yes, they DO tell the truth only to get PITY. It’s an interesting phenomenon to watch. My ex would do that and act as though the world should feel SOOOO sorry for him because after all, he has a drub problem and his youth was lousy and so and so on…. It had me grinding my teeth at times because I could see so clearly through this and KNOW he was just doing this to manipulate family members and friends. Underneath it all, he was still just as evil as evil can be. I’m glad you pointed this out because for me, it was such a trigger. I wanted to bring out the bat and doing some serious damage. Today, of course, he’s not around, but seeing and knowing these things ahead of time is a good way of heading off the garbage before it gets to me, recognizing another red flag. Thanks!
anitasee…
i hear you loud and clear. i couldn’t just walk away either. after 20+ years, i wanted REVENGE! and when i finally had the choice of throwing him out or … literally … dying, i chose my life. you can never ‘win’ with a spath.
and 18 months NC later, i am sometimes still so incredibly sad that i was used and spit out, that none of the glorious feelings of connectedness were real, that he lived and total lie (and by association) i too lived a lie, that i was left broken, worn to a thread, and penniless when i thought my hard work, love and generosity would pull us through.
i was just a ‘practical joke’ that he ‘pulled off.’
how touching.
i will never forgive nor forget. i hope he burns alive … slowly. fitting for a demonic creature.
Dear Cat and Robxy,
Glad my little comment resonated with you. Yes, they will give us the “cold shoulder” to punish us and it can go so far as being NC with us, but they are NOT done with us, just “punishing” us. It is part of the game with many of them although there are the con-people who WILL “move on” and not turn up for months or years or ever, but it is just another part of their game.
My egg donor used to do this “not speaking to you” deal for months, to punish me, and eventually we would “pretend none of this happened” and go back to being “best friends” but now, the shoe is on the other foot and it is not part of a “game” on my part, I do NOT “miss” the games, and I realize what is going on, what has always gone on, and it is all about CONTROL—her controlling me or punishing me if I don’t do what and how she wants. Of course, her POWER over me is gone and that is frustrating to her so now she has a “cause” and that is protecting my P-son from his “mean mommie” who will fight to keep him in prison. Make sure that he has money now and after she dies, so he won’t be broke when (if) he gets out of prison. She has a CAUSE and I am the “bad guy.”
The bottom line with all dysfunctional and psychopathic relationships is all about CONTROL and playing their games. Pity is one “card” that they use to trump good sense, and my egg donor is soooo good at this one, but we have to keep our focus and realize what is going on. It is difficult for me to NOT see those I love through rose colored glasses, I have played the games so long and trivalized their bad behavior and enabled them for so long that it seems “natural” and “normal” and so keeping on a HEALTHY footing is difficult and is a CONTINUING TASK. I’ve about come to the conclusion that it will be a FIGHT for the rest of my life to maintain healthy relationships. A fight to distinguish being a friend from being a patsy, to distinguish between giving legitimate help or sharing and being an enabler.
Over the past six weeks, I have had to do some serious thinking about not only my son C, but about myself—and the thinking about myself and MY attitudes and actions, my OWN poor choices, my own fantasies, etc. and I realize I can’t change anyone else, no matter how much I love them, or trivalize what choices they have made, ALL OVER AGAIN. It is like I can do it with Person A, but have to start from scratch on Person B, C, D, E etc. I feel like an ox walking in circles around a mill; grinding, grinding, with never an end in sight, just more round and round until I drop from exhaustion or old age. When will I finally stop having to relearn the same lesson?
I feel this article, and many of the comments posted, will aid me in my conviction to protect myself. Because it clarifies that these kinds of people are void of any ability to NOT reject, and will always hold ALL others’ in contempt.
It is, in the truest sense, NOT personal. There actually is no rejection, because there is no ability on their part to SEE who and what we are. No connection whatsoever. The stupidity they subscribe to us is all a mental and emotional malfunction that has nothing at all to do with anything other than what is stewing inside them.
They do not reject ‘us’. They reject. Period.
Their inperturbability is NOT a direct reflection of how insignificant each of us are. It has nothing to do with us.
Our personal strengths and weaknesses had no bearing on their pattern of relating. And no one else’s will either. That is freeing for me to really let sink in.
Oxy,
I hear your exhaustion in that last paragraph, and I send you love and support as you continue to learn your way. You have had SO much to handle in this lifetime, and you do it, at least from where I sit in cyberspace, with so much determination and authenticity. I hope my love and respect will buoy you just a bit.
Slim
Dear Slim,
THANK YOU so very much. You can’t know just how much your best wishes mean to me. Yes, it is fatigue and exhaustion, and sometimes it feels overpowering, like it will never end, and yet,, I AM so blessed and I KNOW that, but when I do feel down or “inadequate” or “ashamed,” I feel bad about feeling that way! LOL Catch 22! I DO have friends, GOOD friends, and my son D, and I AM LEARNING and though it is all slower than I wish it was, I AM making progress on the parole hearing documents and presentation, so it will come together. My son D and I are also coming up with a “fall back” plan in case my P son does get out (we should have 6 months or more warning) so “win, lose or draw” D and I WILL be OK no matter what happens. I am just tired of waiting for the other shoe to fall so we can make concrete plans–but heck, who knows what “tomorrow brings” in reality…I just have to trust that God will take care of what I can’t. Work like it all depends on me, and pray like it all depends on God. (((hugs))))
one of the missions of a psychopath , I believe, is to shut their victim down mentally and emotionally as in so that the person can no longer think for themselves . They have many methods of doing this and one of them is to attack the victims logical thinking processes . This explains all the non stop chatter that tends not to make sense especially if you are having an argument with them . By saying things that do not really make sense causes the logical mind to shut down . These conversations have a way of making a kind of sense at the moment but when looking at the big picture one soon realises that it was all nonsense . The big thing is to realise that everything that the psychopath does or says is done for a reason and on purpose . Just as there are smart and stupid normal people there are also smart and stupid psychopaths . If you are unfortunate enough to run into a smart one any normal person is going to be in big trouble . The female psychopath that I was with had what seemed like a photographic memory for past conversations . She could repeat word for word things that I had said 3 or 4 weeks ago .What had me totally confused was that she would say I had said other things that I had not said . Kind of like she would acuse me of saying something that I was sure I did not say , then she would appear to back it up by repeating something that I did say . ” yeh you remember when we were discussing such and such ” which was true then she would tell me that at the same time I had said something that I was sure I did not say . At the time she also accused me of going senile and for a while I thought I was . Her ability to twist any argument arround so that it appeared to be my fault was absolutely uncanny . I now have a saying that I tell people when I suspect they may be dealing with a psychopath . If it does not make sense it is probably nonsense and if its nonsense then you are probably dealing with a psychopath . It is amazing how they can make totall nonsense sound almost logical . Ones best defense is to at least be aware that most of what is being said is rubbish . If one fails to realise this then you are in trouble . When talking to a suspected psychopath one must listen very carefully to make sure that the conversation is at least logical . If it is not be on guard or run .