The sociopath’s imperturbability has been widely noted. However, this is a generalization, not true of all sociopaths in all situations.
A sociopath around whom the net is closing, who recognizes that he’s played his last card and finds, alas, that the game is ending and that he faces inescapable consequences—sociopaths in this circumstance may feel forms of perturbability, like anxiety and worry.
But in situations where he perceives his security (however unrealistically) to be relatively unthreatened—especially where his grandiosity and sense of omnipotence remain relatively intact—the sociopath can be curiously imperturbable.
Imperturbable, that is, in the commission of his violating acts, as well as in the subsequent striking sangfroid with which he’ll brazenly perpetuate his deceit even when confronted with his flat guilt.
How do we explain this?
First, I pose a question: Have you ever played a really cruel practical joke or, if not, witnessed one (with enjoyment), that left its victim torturously duped, perhaps even mildly traumatized?
I’d suggest that the mindset involved in conceiving and executing such a prank, even the mindset (as a witness) involved in merely enjoying it, is temporarily rather sociopathic in several ways.
I stress temporarily because nonsociopaths will inhabit this state of mind only briefly and experimentally, and then, on the assumption that any suffering the prank causes its victim will be experienced as relatively fleeting and superficial.
But I use a “practical joke” analogy because I think it describes somewhat accurately the sociopath’s basic perspective in the world. Life, for the sociopath, is something like a big stage on which to perpetrate forms of ongoing deceit to suit his shifting agenda for comfort, convenience, tension discharge, and other gratifications.
After all, at the motivational heart of the “practical joker” is the driving question, Can I pull this off? This is a question, among others—a kind of perpetual carrot, if you will—that compels sociopathically-oriented personalities.
And the socopath’s response to this implicitly posed question is felt, if not implicitly answered, as, “Of course I can pull this off! I can pretty much pull anything off! Watch me do it! Watch me get away with this!”
In other words, the sociopath’s cocky faith in his powers of chicanery nicely captures his inflated grandiosity and sense of omnipotence. To put it even more basically, the sociopath thinks he is good, really good. And in inverse proportion to how smart he thinks he is, he thinks that you are just as stupid.
This is the sociopath’s signature contempt, and let us not underestimate it: You are as stupid as he is smart.
In the end, the sociopath ultimately takes neither you, nor anyone, seriously. And it’s not that he chooses not to respect people. It’s not that he’s unwilling to take others seriously. It’s that he can’t. And make no mistake: his inability to take people seriously, in an authentic way, is a core aspect of his disorder.
Does the nonpsychotic sociopath, intellectually, know right from wrong? This is a frequently posed question, to which the answer is yes. Intellectually, the nonpsychotic sociopath is usually well aware that his behaviors are exploitive and violate legal and interpersonal laws and boundaries.
But the point is, he just doesn’t care. The sociopath just doesn’t take these laws and interpersonal boundaries seriously, because he doesn’t take you, or others, seriously.
And so this is where his imperturbability enters. When you don’t take others seriously; when, on some level, others are a joke to you; when a malignant contempt pervades your view of others, then you can have your way with them, you can use them for whatever purposes suit your immediate agenda. Moreover, you can cause them pain and outrage as you seek your own ends unburdened by normal feelings of responsibility, accountability and guilt, because you don’t just don’t take them seriously.
So you’re caught in a lie? So you’ve been busted? Big deal. So your denials are preposterous? Big deal. Let’s remember, you are slick and smart enough to convince any stupid person to disbelieve the indisputable evidence of your guilt!
And even if you can’t persuade them to give you a pass this time; even if they’ve busted you cold this time, and your normally reliable glibness doesn’t spring you from the present trap, so what? After all, there’s no shame or embarrassment to be busted by someone you don’t take seriously.
And so the sociopath’s imperturbability, in this light, can be seen as a natural byproduct of his malignant disrespect of, and contempt towards, others. It is a pathological imperturbability, not an admirable, enviable one. His is not the imperturbability of a “cool cat,” or an enviably placid temperament, or the imperturbability that can derive from a certain hard-earned wisdom, confidence and perspective.
No, the sociopath’s imperturbability is that of an emotionally, interpersonally sick individual who, at bottom, has no true emotional stake in others.
And so finally, in his relationships with others, what he stands to lose, through his exploitation, is felt to be as superficial, and dismissable, as anything he stands to gain.
(My use of male gender pronouns in this article is for convenience’s sake and not to suggest females aren’t capable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted © 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
It occurred to me when reading Dr. Steves great article . . that the way the sociopath treats us . . i.e., “not taking us seriously” . . is actually “projective identification” . . HIM (the N/S/P) showing US, how to treat HIM. WE SHOULD “NOT” TAKE HIM SERIOUSLY!
We should have all the same thoughts regarding HIM (the N/S/P), that HE has of US.
The N/S/P has actually provided US with a road map of how to think of (and treat) him.
Sarah999, Yes! exactly. They are showingt us their unconscious relationship they have with themselves, through their treatment of us. It is all their own internal mess that they project onto us, and has nothing to do with us. We are ‘merely’ watching their relationship to themselves, that they cannot bring into their conscious awareness. WEIRD!
Oxy,
I so get what you are saying about feeling bad for feeling bad. Oh, we humans can be incredibly convoluted. Keep leaning on those friends and D, and I will keep the fire burning that P is kept where he belongs, behind bars.
Quest,
Just as a magician “distracts” the audience away from what he is really doing, so does the psychopath. AND just as it works with the audience looking at the magician’s right hand, when the REAL things are going on with the left hand, it almost DOES appear to be “magic” By distracting the victim with the “word salad” and “projection” they turn the conversation away from what REALLY happened, and put the victim at the disadvantage of trying to make sense out of the chaotic “cover” they are weaving.l
Even though we KNOW the magician is distracting us while he actually does his tricks, and we know it is a trick, a good magician is good enough that we can never see what he is actually DOING. A good psychopath can do the same thing, but we are not as forewarned that the “show” is NOT real as we are when we buy a ticket to see the magician. We admire the magician for fooling us, but we have a harder time in seeing that we ARE being fooled by the psychopath.
It is difficult to accept that we are being fooled when we WANT to believe in the “magic” of their love, their loyalty, etc. but we need to learn and LISTEN TO that small inner voice that says “something is not what it appears to be here.”
Dear Oxy! I hear you are having a very difficult, exhausting time right now, and maybe it is that you are too harsh on yourself? Are you examining yourself as you are examining everybody else and not trusting yourself unconditionally?? Kind of backing off from yourself as you do not deserve the comfort zone? ARE YOU TRYING TO CONTROL YOURSELF and punishing yourself with bad feelings, trying going NC with yourself when you are not succeeding? Kind of Auto-P-ing yourself? (and maybe I am just projecting all this onto you, as I also feel often this kind of “get over with it old bat”! I can SO relate!)
No matter, try , fail. Try again, fail again. Fail better. (Samuel Beckett; one of my favourites; takes lots of pressure from myself)
Yes, the X/S/N/P try to do magic and tell a slightly different kind of THEIR truth to make one look stupid. But I can tell you, that magic wears off with age too, as more and more people know them.
I was yesterday with my father at a funeral of a cousin, and as she died from Alzheimer’s, my father told the family that we had also had him tested for Alzheimers. An uncle asked “Why?” I said that he started doing dangerous things. Father then said Well they are afraid I am playing with the family money (THAT WAS THE TRUTH!! I was kind of shocked by his guts to tell this, he even started it! By now all his money has gone, and they live from a very meager pension. He lost millions).
The uncle (ex-husband of my father’s sister) then said: “well if that is the reason you should have had him tested for that by the age of 30. I always thought of him as doing dangerous things”, in a very dry matter-of-fact voice. And conversation went on that my father has his brains together, and then my uncle said: “well so you can be hold accountable for your deeds. So watch out!”
And then they went to another topic. No big deal. Imperturbable. No shame, no nothing. (I am sure father wanted me to feel bad about the tests, that proved again that he was just very bright and above us stupids!)
We can stop feeling responsible or ashamed, they shoot in their own feet so to say, and I surely won’t feel anymore inadequate. I had done that for ages, and so have you, dear Oxy, so we can live off the dividend of our fair share.
And please start liking yourself, won’t you, please? You must not feel inadequate (consider the comparator!) You are THE incomparable, unique, wonderful YOU. ((((HUGS))))
Dear sweet Libelle,
((((Hugs))))) Thank you so much! Yes, I am and always have been much more exacting and expecting more of myself than I ever would of someone else! That has been one of my biggest downfalls I think. Since I am never perfect, then I must not be very good at all because if I was good, I would not be so “stoopid!”
I think I should be “smarter” and more able to generalize about the “red flags” and yet I find myself doing the same thing with others that I did with my egg donor and with my P-son, trying to think the BEST about them, and excusing their bad choices, bad behavior, etc. as being influenced by someone else, or some other reason and feeling like I have to fix them or “pretend it didn’t happen” when there is a CLEAR pattern in their past behavior that I have IGNORED or covered up. WHEN AM I GOING TO LEARN THIS ONCE AND FOR ALL? LOL
I know, baby steps, one day at a time, one inch at a time, it didn’t get this way over night and I won’t learn it all over night either or put it iinto practice without some grief at the “losses” I preceive when I set boundaries that others do not respect.
I set a boundary with my egg donor—one more lie and NC, I set a boundary with my P-son, NC, and lately I have set the boundary of NO LIES and my son C VIOLATED THAT boundary and it HURT that he would violate that boundary.
But ANY time you set a boundary, if you are prepared to ENFORCE that boundary, you must be willing to LET GO OF THE RELATIONSHIP IF THE BOUNDARY IS VIOLATED.
Just like my late husband knew that if he ever cheated on me, our relationship would have been over, forever. He knew that and as far as I know, he never violated that boundary, but if he HAD violated that boundary and I had found out, I would have been DEVESTATED, but I would have enforced it because I would have felt betrayed, I would have HURT, cried, grieved, pounded myself on the head, but I would have ENFORCED the boundary. He KNEW the boundary, so knew that if he chose to violate it what the consequences would be.
My son C knew what the consequences of being found out LYING to me were. Yet I only had two choices. Either let him lie to me and “pretend it didn’t happen” or enforce the boundary no matter how much it hurt. It is the SAME two choices any of us have when we set a boundary.
Whether or not the boundary is “reasonable” or not is for EACH of us to decide. Maybe some people would say that a ONE lie boundary is “unreasonable” but to me, in my situation with my son, and him knowing that I cannot tolerate lies, and in fact, he NC’D MY EGG DONOR BECAUSE SHE LIED TO HIM, yet, he some how thought it was OK to lie to me? I don’t think so. Sure, it threw me for a loop because I only saw one little hint of a red flag before it started up the mast and I knew for sure it was a lie.
Yep, it hurt. Yep it was disappointing, but yep, I DID THE RIGHT THING by enforcing the boundary.
Just like with an infection in the flesh, boundaries sometimes require SURGERY to get the infected material out of our systems, and the surgical wound is painful and takes a while to heal, but we can’t go on with the infection in our bodies/minds without it making us sicker.
Yea, it is tough sometimes, but I am working on taking care of me, and while I may be “sore” and in some “pain” both physically and emotionally, by getting the “infected material” out of my mind/body and stop dealing with people who are not “good for ” me, no matter WHO they are in the end, I will be better off than trying to deal with the “sickness” of everyone else. It is like a quarentine I think, keeping us healthy by keeping us away from people who “infect” us with pain.
You are one of my heroes, Libelle, thank you so much for the uplifting post. (((hugs)))) and God bless.
SisterSister,
Just read your post way, way up there and it resonated with me.
I think I understand the direction you’re coming from. You’re a warrior, a fighter. You’ve probably been one your entire life and now you’re stopping dead in your tracks, due to over exposure to psychos, weirdos, and cry babies for many years and plain o’ fatigue.
Yep, I believe you’re just sick and tired and tired and sick of all the bullcrap. I mean, who wouldn’t be? Dealing with horrible humanoids or even whiny, complaining adult-children day in and day out for years has worn you out, sweetie!
Fighting the good fight is one thing. Fighting for justice and fairness. But all those petty, retarded, waste of energy battles with vampires can tire out Hercules, no doubt.
Maybe the thoughts you expressed regarding your life long experiences is helping you with priorities. And with how much you are now willing to tolerate or not tolerate.
Maybe you’ve learned just where to draw the line when engaging with certain people if they act out, act rudely, inappropriately, foolish, cruel, whatever behavior creeps you out.
I’m just thinking and sharing out loud with you as I have been there, done that for too darn long and yeah, I’m pooped.
Remember, there’s going to always be cry babies and predators roaming the streets of our cities and towns. We just gotta learn how to weed them out for our own safety, sanity and welfare.
You’re doing a super job already!!
🙂
Thanks to everyone for confirming that yes, sometimes sociopaths do tell the truth…or at least, their version of it. It makes sense that they would enjoy seeing their victim’s pain that comes with hearing difficult truths. Once again, this allows them to feel control over their victim and allows them to witness how they are capable of sometimes bringing us to our knees and our hurt being “all about them”. Very sick individuals! I can remember that my ex S/N/P presented himself to be the most sensitive man ever…cried over sad songs and movies. However, during times when he witnessed my own hurt and tears, he seemed numb to my feelings. I can recall a couple of times that I found myself crying in his presence without really knowing why…he never even bothered to ask me what was wrong.
Another thing that I’m curious about is if it is classic behavior for the S/N/P to tell us that WE are no longer the person they fell in love with…constantly suggesting that we had changed in some way? I’m not sure if they have a need to feel the constant newness and excitement that comes with a new relationship which I have always considered to be mostly infatuation, or if they’re telling us that we have changed is a tactic they use to control us and mold us into who they want us to be to suit their own needs. Do any of you have any experience with hearing that you had changed, or that you are no longer the same person they fell in love with, as well as how they long to have that person back? And, you honestly did not have a clue as to what changes they were referencing?
Hi Tami:
YES…YES…and YES! This DOES seem to be a theme with these disgusting people who call themselves humans-at least from my own experience.
My ex and I dated for 3.5 years and at about the 6 month marker, he began ‘complaining’ about me ‘changing’. What he meant by this was that I no longer threw him up against the wall when he walked into my house, ripped his clothes off, did you-know-what three times a day, and gooed and gaaaed over him incessantly.
In my RATIONAL attempt at explaining to him how ‘relationships’ work and progress over time, he denied any part of the reality of what was happening-we were bonding and getting closer…moving out of the infatuation stage into the bonding stage of love. In his distorted mind though, he believed we should ALWAYS have that passion…meaning EVERY TIME he came over, our encounter should be that intense, with that much sex, that much desire and that much superficial interaction.
This was an ongoing battle we fought as he CONTINUALLY searched for those ‘all consuming sparks’…and continually was disappointed in me for not ‘wanting’ him or ‘desiring’ him like I did when we first met. To type that even sounds idiotic…
He wasnt ABLE to attach himself to me emotionally which is where the disconnect came in. He searched and searched for that physical attraction that goes hand and hand with infacuation…mistaking it for love-or should I say MASKING it as love…and when we moved into the more advanced stages of a REAL relationship, he wasn’t able to move laterally-thus, assuming I CHANGED because I acted ‘differently’ towards him…
…yeah, ya asshole! I WAS IN A RELATIONSHIP THAT I THOUGHT WAS BUILT ON RESPECT, MATURITY, AND TRUST…while he was in a 16 years old relationship that he thought was based on sex and being ‘wanted’.
To this day I struggle with a few things about what happened way back when with my ex.
I came to the conclusion that YES – I DID CHANGE – in a way that was not to his liking. Why? Because perhaps I finally had the courage to speak up and say ” Hey babe where were you all day today? Your phone was off? Off course his answer would then be – my battery died….and the lies would go on from there… but the “change” they refer to is that it was likely in the very early stages we are on our best/sweetest/all accepting behavior (I LEARNED THAT NEEDED TO STOP IN MY FUTURE RELATIONSHIPS) but yes when I look back there were things he did, or didnt do, or stuff that didnt sit well or match up 100percent – and I didnt rock the boat – so he was free-riding, sailing away the first few months – doing his thing – and getting my BEST – I was in love – I was happy to see him – happy when we got together — loved being with him and made him feel so loved — you betcha I changed when the novelty wore off — and the lustdust settled — I started getting real — seeing the reality — and questioning much more. I was putting a kink in his chain by calling him out on the inconsistencies, the no-shows, the lies, the oddities. I either stay the same as I was in the beginning and keep my mouth closed or I change and speak up and protect myself.
So what I took from that experience was ” FROM THE BEGINNING OF A NEW RELATIONSHIP — LOOK FOR THE RED FLAGS — LOOK AT THE REALITY OF HOW HE IS/WHAT HE DOES – ACTIONS VS. WORDS — INSTEAD OF OVERLOOKING THEM. AND DONT BEGIN THE RELATIONSHIP SEXUALLY FIRST — PERHAPS HALF THE S WILL DISAPPEAR IF THEY REALIZE THIS IS GOING TO BE A RELATIONSHIP BUILT ON TRUST AND HONESTY AND OPENNESS AND LOVE AND HAVING TO BE ACCOUNTABLE FOR THINGS THEY DO– AND THEN DEVELOP AND GROW INTO A SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP — THEY WILL BE OUT THE DOOR SO FAST!!!
This is one of those areas where I hold myself a bit responsible for not being the real me in the beginning of the relationship. I thought well its the beginning and I really dont know him well enough to ask this or that or why this (BS!!!!!) See he didnt REALLY change his ways — he just became more comfortable in doing the secretative deceitful things he had been doing since saying hello to me — I just eventually spoke up about it/questioned it and so it looked liked I changed!!!! If something is bothering you about him in the beginning imagine it will never go away and only get worse and get out!
There was a strong physical attraction. I let that take precedent in the beginning over the other more important and valuable aspects of a relationship – respect, truth, trust, openness maturity – REALNESS.
This is one area where I am unfortunately willing to say what was part my responsibility in protecting myself — I didnt quite do it right out of the gate. I changed…I did! And I changed for the better – and he definitely did NOT like that! 🙂