Donna Andersen was recently interviewed for an article on “The Stir,” part of Cafemom.com. They include:
- Your gut is telling you something’s wrong
- He disappears or travels a lot
- He has unreasonable boundaries
- He lies and keeps secrets
The author, Kiri Blakeley, did a great job.You’ll want to read the story:
10 scary signs your man is living a secret life, on TheStir.Cafemom.com.
Out of the pain of a failed relationship some good may come
She covered it quite well. Thank you for doing these interviews, Donna. I find that there are increasing stories of these experiences, but what is surprising to me is that STILL so many people don’t understand the impact and self questioning. In the aftermath, I am getting better, re-establishing my beliefs, taking step-by-step roads to handle the financial devastation left to me…but what I find “missing” is femininity – the softness that used to be me.
You have done a very good thing with your site and the ripples in the media. I am happy and grateful that I located you.
I think the missing “feminity” is vulnerability. Having gained strength to deal with all that happened, we are afraid to be vulnerable. This is especially true if we perceive that being weak led us into the situation in the first place, or allowed us to stay there longer or ask fewer questions than we should have. It is scary to open up and soften towards the strong masculine again.
In a new and caring relationship, I find it hard to relinquish my independence even in minor ways, just for this reason. I’m working on it.
Becky, I found your comment so timely for something I’m going through as well. After I left my ex I quit wearing make-up, fixing my hair, dressing nicely. I didn’t actually know why but it made me uncomfortable to be anything but “natural”. I felt wearing make-up or coloring my greys was wrong, or “fake” somehow. I don’t really understand it but I’ve recently just realized I’ve become this way and wondering why, but your comment about missing your femininity struck a chord. I just realized that it’s not just about not being comfortable with a feminine appearance, but femininity in general. Maybe like Escape said it is a fear of being vulnerable? Something I need to think about…
When I began to find out more and more about my ex’s other victims, I framed it to people this way: it’s like finding out you were married to a serial killer when the police show up and find the bodies in the basement. Thus, why the title of my forthcoming book is Bodies in the Basement!
LisaH
I can relate to that analogy so thanks for sharing 🙂
I have not posted to this site for several years but follow it constantly and had to respond to this article. My ex was all the above signs but #7 “He blurts out the truth” really hit home. One night he and I sat on the couch watching a show on Anna Nicole Smith and the billionaire she married and while looking straight at the tv he said to me that was the way to do it – marry a rich widow (he did not say widower). So I asked you could be with someone just for money and his answer was yes. I also asked what if the person was ugly and he said ugly women need love too. He also said he had no problems being a kept man – he would become anything she needed. He also said that a widow is better than a divorced woman since they miss their mate. In addition, he said he needed to do something to secure his retirement since he knew I was not going to support him.
Well he found this rich widow and they married last year. His family knows of what he did to his ex wife and several other people but they did not warn this lady – and she fell for him hook line and sinker (he became everything she needed). Now he drives the luxury car, wears the fancy watches, goes on vacations (First Class)and he does not work, she still does.
When he told me this I knew that was probably the only time he was actually telling me the truth…..
Looking at my daughter’s former married life—I would say that at least 7 out of 10 of these signs were exhibited.
Unfortunately, it is very difficult for some women to believe even when it is staring them in the face.
We can see it clearly now—but as they say—hindsight is twenty-twenty.
the only one you rly need…u think he is.
if u think he is, he is.
i cud expound on why for this, but im not.
get the heck away from him as soon as you discover this by ur instinct saying he is.
n never look back except to work out custody issues. none of ur possesions have any worth compared to ur sanity.
I relied heavily on the investigation training I received as a HR professional from John Reid and Associates, a premier law enforcement investigation training organization. You can access Rieid Investigation tips at: http://www.reid.com/educational_info/r_tips.html.
The most important thing I learned – – “When a person changes his story, it means one thing, he is lying.” The suggestion to “trust your gut” is most important. For years, my ‘gut’ told me my now-ex had another ‘life.’ After discovering porn on his work laptop, I began to dig much deeper. As I slowly and cautiously continued to confront him with more ‘evidence,’ he unintentionally confessed to things I knew nothing about. I let his confessions go right by me – – because I knew he was never going to tell me the truth. I may still be married to this psychopath had I not employed savvy investigation techniques including monitoring his internet activity, his cell phone calls (which he began hiding shortly after I discovered the porn), documenting his daily mileage (a great method to prove someone is not where they claim to be), and getting a printout of his debit and credit card transactions from our credit union. The financials were the proverbial nail in the coffin. Moreover, by using the techniques I learned in my Reid investigation training, I was able to detect ‘tells’ from his choice and/or omission of words, (leaving out pronouns such as “I, me”), his tendency to change the topic being discussed, and providing irrelevant details when answering simple questions such as, “Where were you?” LOL. Check it out.